Haven't been here in ages...at least a six months.
Husband was WH, had an emotional affair that was unreciprocated. He persued, she ran.
He moved out for 6 months then back in for two. Then I moved out since he stuck to his guns saying he wanted out of
a marriage he hadn't been happy in for years. (News to me)
Anyhow.....we are still living apart, he has not filed papers but continues to say he wants a divorce. Won't go to counseling....isn't seeing anyone that I am aware of but does go out with his single buddies. Sharing the girls every other week. I even signed a joint petition over a month ago and it still sits on his nightstand.

Anytime I bring up trying to work on our marriage, he says "why bother"...last week he said he didn't trust himself not to have an affair. He won't give me the opportunity to meet his needs or show him that I can. Just flat out refuses to work on anything.

Should say that we have continued to have SF here and there. Mostly at times when I think he is coming around to reconciliation, then after he goes back to being the cold-mean spirited man he has been for the last 2 years.

I still love him but at this point I wonder if hanging in there is really worth it with all of the BIG NEON signs he has been waving in my face. Guess my question is for the FWH's.....why won't he file if he says he wants out, and is there any way I can get him to at least come to the table?

I try to get him to focus on the good parts of our marriage and he will respond that he can't think of any...ever. I know that is BS, but it hurts none the less.

Is there a reason you haven't gone to Plan B?

Ok Homer,

I totally agree with Believer, PLAN B big time...what else you got left?

I love your by-line...but...I think you are getting dragged....and I think you know it.

I think in a twisted way your H is reveling in his drama, and you provide the SF when the need arises.

Totally dark plan B. He should fish or get off the pot!

k

Believer, If I remember right, Plan B is basically no contact until the A is over right? He isn't having a relatioship with anyone. How would plan B work in my sich?

To tell you the truth I think he would be perfectly OK with a Plan B....it would be like a divorce without the paperwork and financial hassle.

I think Plan B still needs to be done before you think about divorce. Let him get a taste of how his life would be without you meeting any of his needs.

Plan B is can still be about his behavior...

look at what he does...

he's the chronic victim...

I was a victim in our marriage
I was soooo unhappy in our marriage

whaa waaah whaaa whaaa whaaa

you have to throw a stone to get the pool to ripple..otherwise you are just condoning his pathetic vicitimization...

boo hooo boooo hooo...

this man sounds like he has major depression with enough baggage to drag anyone down....

free yourself...

you have been right where he's wanted you...time to cut the apron strings...
and say..

you're so unhappy...
then I free you from the blaming weight you love to hug and hold on to

plan B
ARK

In most way I know that is what I need to do, but sadly it makes me confront the fact that he doesn't care what I do.

He doesn't want the responsibility of marriage including fidelity. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he want, with whoever he wants. Plan B will give him exactly that. Won't this just allow him to emotionally disconnect more than he already has?

I should say we have only had SF once since the New Year, so it is more unusual than not. He asks me to dog sit when he is out of town, so I should say No, Correct? I did finally stop working for him...even though he felt I should continue to do so for the money. Contact should not even include emails or calls about the DD's?

I need to reread the Plan B.

Bottom line is I am afraid that if I pull the plug...he will say "Toodles"

justcall..

SO WHAT what he wants..

what he says he wants...and what he will really get are so far removed from reality....

he moves through this world with NO honor...
with DISRESPECT visited directly to the doorstep of his WIFE and CHILDREN...

what he thinks is out there waiting for him is empty pathetic apathetic avarice....

he's a shell of a person...and he choices to be this...

he chooses to be victim
he chooses to be the poor poor me one...

Chooses day after day to do wrong by his own children....

give him exactly what he thinks he want...and you move to fill your life with love and light....

I am concerned about your willingness to take upon your shoulders the consequences of his choices....

I never believed much in cliches till hanging round these boards...but I do these days...

to your husband...I'd say..

be very wary of what you wish for....

ARK

Ark,

Does this mean file for divorce? I have moved out, stopped working for him, got my own $$ accounts, have been looking at buying a house, stopped the SF except for one time of weakness <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...I agree he has major issues, most of which he will not claim. I have told him a million times that I love him enough to let him go, and that if he wants out then go.
I signed the joint petition and gave it to him.

I don't know how else to reclaim my life and let him have his misery without actually filing for the divorce myself.

I still stand by my convictions that unless there is physical abuse in a marriage...anything can be worked out.
And I know it takes two....but as Dido says "there will be no white flag upon my door, I'm in love and always will be"

As weird as it sounds...I think he some integrity in that he hasn't gone out and had an affair even though we have been apart for 20 months. He wants to but can't "permit" himself that because he is still married...and "my God, what would people say"...Ok I am putting words into his mouth....personally I don't know what the man is thinking.
Maybe he is afraid of being rejected again like the last woman he persued.

It just makes me sad, sad, sad.....

no it means write an official plan B letter....

your husband is in my (humble) and (uniformed) opinion CHOOSING a life of depression and victimship...

a martyr...of the most vile kind...

horrible wife
horrible marriage..all of which he is victim to...

poor poor man....

don't file for divorce that isn't what you want..

but why in Gods name NOT plan B...where you remove yourself totally from his chaos...

crap he always knows you are there...
why be there...

I think that psychological abuse, cowardice and his playing victim is abusive...

and i know that if given the choice to one good slap to the head vs years of psychological hits...I might choose the one time physical hit...lot less damaging...

he should fear rejection..for he is easily rejectable..
no honor
no value in truth
abandons woman and children...
pretty sucky resume in my opinion....

so tell me about what really scares YOU of plan B...
not about him..

tell me about YOU and plan B

what would it look like
what would it feel like....

cause his plan is to force you to move to divorce..so he can be the victim to your lawyer..

ARK

What would Plan B look like to me and beyond what I have already done?


Not calling when trivial things come up about the DD's. Taking care of those little things on my own when DD's are with me, and not worrying about him falling on his face when they are with him. My fear is that the DD's will suffer becaue of his lack of responsibility. They already complain that they are constantly tardy at school because of him, and then he blames them. I am afraid that the homework won't get done and their grades will suffer. I know I can't control how he behaves when they are there. And I need to just reinforce to the DD's that I am here for them and they can call me anytime...although he sometimes tells them no.

I need to stop all emails completely. I need to tell him that he needs to find someone else to take care of the dog when he is out of town.

Is there anything else?

I will think about what to say in the Plan B letter and post it later. In your experience how many WH's take the Plan B letter as a free pass to go play?

I am afraid of Plan B...I think he will take the bait and as I said close the door for good. I keep feeling that if I continue to show him love that he will "melt" and realize what a good life he has and that he is about to throw it away. The reality of it is that losing my marriage the way it currently is...wouldn't be such an awful thing, the problem is that I continue to hang on to hope that probably isn't very realistic.