Hi All-
I havent posted for a long while.. I have some questions.
Its been 9 months now and my husband and Vanessa have been living together since he left me. Update:
she is losing her home due to non payment and no job. They will have to vacate by 3rd week this month. He told me this and i did see she filed it under the bankruptcy- but didnt pay the chapt 13- so its foreclosed on. She and her daughter are moving i guess with relatives. My husband told our daughter hes moving with his mom. He said he has to get his self together.
I asked him is this temp and they are still together he said no. He didnt help her pay for the house or anything because his family is first. Hes still paying our mortgage and supporting the kids.
He tells me you dont know the ****** im living in. It is not what you think and that i think its romance and flowers and its not. and i know i have to get myself together before I can work on us. I need you to stop being depressed. He says he finally has relized why he left. He grew away from me. I asked him why didnt you take my hand and say something so we wouldnt be in this mess? We could have talked and worked on the issues or problems.. He said he didnt think... that im looking for things that say its my fault but its never been you it's me. Your not the blame. He said his biggest regrets are:
1. when he said he didnt love me - it was a lie he does and always had loved me.
2. when i caught them at her house that night- he said the look on my face was so hurt he knew right then that I did love him- he thought i would not have cared or loved him.
3. That he moved in with Vanessa after- he didnt think , the oportunity presented itself and he should have either moved by himself or worked on us.
This was the first time i ever saw tears from him when he said the regrets.
So what now? Is this saga ending or is this the beginning ?

bump up please

Were you in Plan B?

Did you have a legal separation?

Has he written a NC letter?

WAT

Well, the time frame seems about right for the affair to be ending. I would have thought your WH would chip in some money to save OW's house if he wanted to remain in the relationship.

Take all of this slowly. DO NOT invite him home right away. You need to see if the affair is completely over and he is ready to work on the marriage.

My advice would be for you to follow the advice from the various Marriage Builder books regarding recovering from an affair. I'd suggest taking a very careful step by step approach. Basing your reaction on feelings and emotions might just end up exposing you to more heartbreak and problems. Real lasting change requires acountability and the willingness to make those changes over a long period of time. I'm not saying your husband is lying, but it is kind of convenient that he has decided now is the right time for him to start working on his problems after everything else has fallen apart.

Just be careful and play it smart. If your husband is sincere he'll understand your need to take this slowly and to protect yourself.

No - i had done plan a. I had started B but its very hard when kids are involved and you are trying to keep it civil and loving for them. He hasnt written nc letter this just all evolved this week and last night.
Believer: Well, the time frame seems about right for the affair to be ending. I would have thought your WH would chip in some money to save OW's house if he wanted to remain in the relationship.
So you think this all was coming to an end soon anyway? How long does it normallty take?
Your right for so long i wanted for this to hurry up and end or come right on home.
This has been the longest journey of my life. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Broom: I didnt believe him at first either- but i pulled the bankruptcy papers on my own- they dismissed the bankruptcy because she is in arrers of 4500.00 and the payment was due 3/16. She hadnt paid in 3 months. (36 month term she made 9 payments).
So what do you think is next?? or what do i look out for?

Before letting him come home, I recommend you ask him to

1. write a NC letter

2. commit to counseling

Did you have a legal separation? If so, as part of resolving that, consider a post nup agreement. See the thread about POST NUPTIALs from last week. If you didn't have a legal separation, consider a post nup anyway.

WAT

Yes we have a legal seperation in place and yes he is keeping to it.
So you think he is trying to really come home ? soon?
I said about the counseling- he was yes and i need to go back to church. If things are that bad over there now because of the impending move- what is he waiting for?

I did say to him well how does she know its over- he said when i move and she moves she knowsit's done- if it wasnt i would still be there and paying her bills and helping her not you. That if i was paying her bills and cared - i would have cut off a long time ago.

"he said when i move and she moves she knowsit's done-"

Wrong answer. Please don't consider taking him back until he has no contact with her, and has sent a no contact letter, agreed to become an open book to you, and agrees on counseling.

ok

post nup?

If he ever cheats again (or if you cheat), the BS has the option of divorcing and the WS gives up ALL rights to any marital assets and property.

If he's sincere, he won't bat an eye at this.

WAT

Winter----NC has to be in place, he can't have a fall back option, cause believe me he will consider it. It does appear as if he is at bottom or close too it. I guess one question is that you are now a different person thorugh out this whole ordeal and where do you want to go from here.It will still be work.

Am glad that you seem to be well,good to hear fromyou again.