imanotherone - please post how you confronted your spouse. That was classic.

BUMP

Basically, I noticed a call late one night on his cell phone from a woman, whose name I did not recognize. I looked up into my brain and thought for a minute...and said, "nyahhhh!" But the seed was planted. Over the course of a few weeks, little drops of water kept hitting that seed of doubt. Couple more late calls, noticing H was on the computer late at night, and spending more time on his apprearance. Nothing that could make more than a circumstantial case. Rather than get in his face about it, I waited. More and more little things happened until I couldn't wait alone anymore. I googled "infidelity" figuring there would be one of those "Cosmo-style" questionaires: If you score over a 50, better pack your bags, 40-50: hire a P.I., etc. Instead, I stumbled into Marriage Builders. I read enough to know the answer, but still couldn't face it. I posted a survey on this blog, actually under "just found out" asking who thought he was having an A. Wonderings suggested I investigate more before confronting, which was a good idea. I also took a snapshot of all of our finances, in case WH decided to go nutz and take the $$ and run. (Remember, we're not dealing with a rational situation, here, right?) Once I had all the data, including audio recordings, and all the paperwork, I went to our MC, and showed him. He was stunned. I told him I planned to reveal to H on 9/1. Asked if I could make an appointment in anticipation of the fallout for the next day. Having that appt. made it easier on me, since I knew we could have a ref if we needed one. Next morning, after the kids were at school and preschool, I asked H to come in the living room for a chat. Said we needed to talk about "K." (OW) I didn't know much about her at the time, but I knew her first and last name. When I said her full name to H, he kind of lost all the color in his face, but still said, "What about her?" or something like that. I took a deep breath, and said something probably more vulgar than necessary, but I certainly laid it out that I had the whole picture. Before he could say any more lies, I said, "I know where you were for your birthday, I know where you were for last month's conference, I know you were with her when you flew home from the West Coast, I KNOW EVERYTHING. I let that sink in for a minute, and from there, H knew there was no sense in trying to defend himself. He also had no idea how deep my knowledge went, so he probably assumed I knew more than I really did in some areas. Also, since my evidence was so overwhelming, I didn't have to face the, "I can't believe you would spy on me!" argument as much as someone without a full folder of evidence. He tried it once, only once. That was when the folder came out, and I said, "You're GD'd right I'm spying on you...and you've been a complete jerk." However, I must say, things did go better after that, because I was able to also show him a print out of Patriot's Toolkit for WS's. I told him to go off by himself and read it, then come out, and we'll talk. From there, I guess we've just been putting one foot in front of the other. Some days go well, others, not so much progress, but the framework to decide about recovery was in place. For anyone thinking about confronting a WS, though, I'll always say it's a lot easier to "spy" on them when they aren't expecting it. Don't give away your position.

That's the very best example of first exposure I've ever read here.

Bar none.

And I've read a few.

Excellent. Very excellent.

Thanks a lot. You did a GREAT job. I wish I had waited until I had a folder of evidence. I confronted him a bit at a time, as I uncovered things. What it did was make him more careful, and make me angrier and angrier. He kept denying things.

Wow. That was getting it all together if I have ever seen it!
I didn't have to deal with this, as WH moved out before I had a clue, and admitted the affair to me later.

But darn that was GOOOOOD! Amazing, really!

This is the part I love from your other post -

"It took me three he!!ish months, including snooping through his stuff, checking cell phone records, checking his computer, and even putting a voice-activated recorder in his private area. Sounds kinda crazy, but think about it this way--if he's innocent, you'll know without a doubt. Even with the mountain of evidence I collected, when I finally decided to have the big "D-day chat" with him, it went something like this...Me: We need to talk about you and "K." Him: Who?
Me: You know, the woman you've been having an A with. Him: Uhhhmmmm...I don't know what you're talking about....
Well, I slammed down over two inches of evidence, and said, "let's just skip that part, and start talking about where we go from here."

I think I am going to link to this thread from one I have going on JFO about Plan A ....

[color:"red"]WONDERFUL [/color]

I'm not going to say it was easy, but again, I was fortunate to find this site BEFORE the big blow-up. Everyone here keeps you very well grounded. WH still asks me sometimes why I "sat" on the evidence while he was slowly hanging himself. I remind him that even when I had the evidence, he still had that, "Uhhhm, who?" type response. I asked him, "You know I would have eventually gotten it out of you, even without the evidence, but isn't it better to wait, take a deep breath, and rip that band aid off all at once?"
While the waiting was a good idea, I will tell anyone planning to do it that there are downsides. First, you are seething mad ALL THE TIME, but you have to smile demurely and "Plan A." That has caused a lot of resentment. Second, since you KNOW the truth, it makes all the stupid, stupid sh_t that comes out of his mouth even more infuriating. At the time, I had resolved to back off so much that I didn't call him in the evenings when he was traveling, and didn't ask his schedule. He came back after about a month of this and said something like, "You know, I'm really feeling happy these days! I'm finally doing more for myself, and I'm doing so much better." I had to sit there and smile, while in the background, I was thinking, sure, you're having the TIME OF YOUR LIFE, YOU CAKE-EATER!!! So be warned, there is a downside. Still, I'm glad it happened this way just the same. Lucky I had you guys to sound off to during the whole process!!

Well, mine was dragged out over months and months. I was suspicious and found things, but he explained them away. Then he knew I was suspicious, and just changed his tactics. It went on and on and on.

The result was I was resentful and angry, and soon didn't care about not LB'ing. Also there were months when I thought I was crazy. It was horrible.

I know it is difficult not to confront them early on, but I think it really saves a lot of time, and allows them to get sloppy and hang themselves.

Pep - Good idea. Maybe we can warn folks BEFORE they make the mistake I did.

I have confronted by WW in telling her that I know what is going on because of telephone calls but have not laid everything out on the table yet. I know more than most since i've copied every email between the two of them (some of them would make a baboon's a## blush). I also have put a recorder in my bedroom and lets just say if that if it was me on the tapes I wouldn't want it to get out!

I know this will be the end of our marriage when these are exposed so i'm waiting a little while to see if SH suggested path will work. Otherwise this tired cowboy is going to bring out the six shooters with both barrels ablazing!

imanotherone, I can attest that holding back is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

Imanotherone do you have a link to "Patriot's Toolkit for WS's"?

Here it is, QB.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=6#2697750

BBWWWAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

"Hanging time" is inevitable. It's right away or later. You did him a HUGE favor noosing him early. Otherwise he might be "hanging" around OW right now.

Did he kobe up an offering?

WAT

I agree, there's ALOT to be said for not having to face the lies and the doubt upon initial confrontation.

Similar to Imanotherone...I laid my folder down in front of my husband. It was irrefutable. I had only spent a couple of weeks agonizing in suspicion though, so I can't imagine how horribly difficult that must've been for her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I was able to hack his computer, see an attorney, and confront my WH...all in one day. And because I hadn't found MB yet, I think I was just lucky that it all came together so well.

Confronting with all the evidence in hand, and all the possible options available to you legally is the best way if you ask me. It was like a creating a sudden atmosphere of 'shock and awe'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Initially, I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted a divorce and that I had EVERY intention of getting one too. It hadn't even occurred to me at that point to try and reconcile the relationship. But I found myself unexpectedly in 'the driver's seat'. My husband had caved like a house of cards. His life had spun out of control in emotional terms and he was willing to lay his future in my hands.

And you know, aside from the 'shock and awe' tactic, I have to also wonder if there wasn't a spiritual presence at work that day. I somehow found my heart softened to the extent I was able to take another look at my previous decision regarding divorce, and I would have sworn upon 'going in' that my resolve was beyond influence. Looking back, it does seem like something miraculous happened... because we both were acting outside the parameters of our normal and predictable personalities.

In any event, we ended the old marriage that day...and started a new and better one. There were bumps in the road for the first couple of months, but today I can honestly say that after 25 years together...we're doing better than ever before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is by far my favorite part of IMA's story. <snicker>



Just how did you manage that. I don't remember seeing anything on MB about that tactic; but, I like it. I bet a whole lot of men just got a bit more nervous.

Mr. Wondering <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Like Mr. Wondering, that particular 'tactic' got to my curiosity as well!

I was given the I love you but not in love with you and I want a divorce speech in June 2005.

Intuitively, I knew he must have fallen for another woman to come to this conclusion.

So, I spent a two months watching, waiting, and finally confronting him on the phone coversations, text-messages he was sending and receiving from the ow.

The actual confrontation occured after I happened to see that the OW had called our house phone at 11:30 P.M. on the night that I was out of town visiting with my sisters.

This was August 20, 2005.

I went ballistic, and called the OW who explained that she was glad I had called and that she didn't know what to do because my husband would not stop calling her or contacting her and it was becoming a problem for her.

I turned around and called my husband on his cell phone and told him word for word with the OW said and that he needed to come home.

That day was liberating for me. He had me believing that I was crazy, and imagining things, when asking if he was having an affair prior to DD.

And the rest is history..............

It wasn't the best confrontation, but it worked.

I read that your recovery is stalled. Is this because of you and your inability to forgive?

How is your husband doing? Is he showing remorse and working to right his wrongs?