At 17 I married a much older man with whom I was very much in love, perhaps in large part because of a strong physical attraction. I have been married to him now for over 10 years. We don't have children, although I want to at some point in the next 3-5 years, and I'm not sure having them with him is a good choice. I still love him but am not feeling the physical connection anymore and lately haven't wanted him to touch me. The last time we made love I cried the entire time and he never noticed.

We've had a number of problems throughout the marriage. He has been physically abusive, and verbally/emotionally abusive. I am NOT currently afraid for my safety but I do believe that if I were to continue an argument or discussion once I see him start to get angry that he would be willing and able to physically hurt me. I have essentially learned to suppress my feelings and concerns in order to avoid this, but there are still occasional flare-ups, just much less frequent.

When I married him I knew he had a criminal record; just this past year I learned he had continued shoplifting and he had to serve a short jail sentence. He also continues to use "lower level" drugs. Both of these activities could seriously affect my career and are completely against my values. He says he has stopped shoplifting but his reason for stopping is to avoid getting caught, not because it is wrong.

We seem to have very different expectations for what we want out of marriage. He can be very considerate/affectionate during sex but generally not otherwise unless he is trying to keep me from leaving. We have grown apart, spending less and less time together. As I have gone further and further with my education we seem less able to relate to one another and he is uninterested in what I do at work or things I talk about with friends. He has shown me time and time again that i cannot trust him to treat my feelings with respect (I don't expect him to agree but he often uses my feelings to humiliate or hurt me in current/future arguments) and for that reason I have learned to not express things I would like to be able to share.

We recently got a puppy and I have seen him abuse the puppy on several occasions. I stood up for the puppy which got me thinking to myself - why do I let him do that to me when I don't let him do it to the dog? Finally a few weeks ago I told him I wanted a divorce.

He is asking me to give him a chance to show me he doesn't have to be abusive. He admitted he abused me but claims it was "for a purpose" (ie to get his way) which supposedly makes it OK. He still feels I am largely responsible for causing the abusive behavior. He is willing to go to MC which he was never willing to do before. He has been relatively nice to me these past few weeks but I still feel he has not shown any responsibility around the house (I currently work to support us and he does not, but he does few chores around the house and before I said I wanted a D he often was angry that I didn't do more housework). I still have a stomachache most of the time when I am home that hurts bad enough to keep me from eating at home.

It is very hard for me to try to separate from him; he's all I've known. I am very afraid of being on my own and of being lonely. However I have several good friends who at least are supportive. I had worked myself up to deciding to leave but was so caught off guard by his sudden desire to change that I needed a few weeks to see how I felt about that. I am a christian and do not believe in divorce as an easy way out but do believe that sometimes it's the healthiest option. I can't imagine myself having children with this man and i think if I did it would either force me to leave or tear us apart because he cannot tolerate a disorganized house. I also don't believe I can have the type of trusting, honest, happy relationship I want. But I feel guilty about leaving while he wants to work things out. And while I know he has mistreated me I also still love him and feel sorry for him since he is disabled and would be on his own, and it hurts a lot to try to let go. I thought about going to MC but I honestly feel that his willingness to change is temporary and that even if he wanted to accept responsibility for his abusive behavior it would take years to work through some of these issues, years I'm not sure I am willing to put in. I've suffered severe health problems the last few years due to the stress of the relationship and I just don't want to keep going through this. And I'm very afraid based on past times we've tried to "make it work" that I'll try to open up and trust him again, and IF I am able to do that, I'll just end up getting hurt and having to distance myself again which was really hard to do. And I'm not sure I can trust him again. Part of me is constantly wondering when he will threaten me again, how long this will last, and what mood he will be in and whether I can talk or eat or do anything at all at home without making him upset or angry.

What should I do?

I have some words of advice from somebody who has been there. LEAVE NOW AND DON'T GO BACK. You are in a classic abuse relationship and you are scared to leave but you WILL be ok when you do and even better when you are out completely. I know this is a marriage builders website but if what you say is true he has a severe problem and you need to be out. Thank God you don't have children yet. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone deserving of YOU. I just filed for divorce and yes my husband had an affair and I wanted to reconcile at first, however through counseling and separation from him, I was able to see how emotionally abusive he was to me. Abusive men don't change unless they really want to and get specific help. I would highly recommend a book called "Why Does He Do That?" I was in tears after the first chapter and by the time I finished the book I could see how I had been drawn in by him. He also constantly threatened to take the kids if I tried to divorce him. The fact that he abuses the dog tells you that your children would likely to be next. Please make plans for yourself and find a safe place to go. Call an abuse hotline in your town and talk to a counselor. Read the book...anything....you do not ever need to tolerate this kind of relationship.

(((L2H)))

I have to agree with forgive. I have similarities to your situation within mine, except I do have children. It makes the situation so much more complicated.

I think if you reread your post you will know what you need to do. You are in the classic cycle of abuse. Now things are ok, but you know it is like a ticking time bomb and the littlest event will set him off. He will say anything and everything to get you to stay in this abusive relationship. That's what they do. This period of calm is only temporary and you know it because you have been down this road time and time again. Empty promises and lies. I bet he cries and tells you how sorry he is and doesn't want to lose you. That he'll do anything. It's all talk.
This situation will only get worse, especially if kids are brought into the mix. Don't do it.

No marriage is worth your health, your self-respect, and your emotional well being. He will only continue to bring you down. You say you feel guilty for possibly leaving him alone. DON'T. He doesn't feel one bit guilty for all the pain and suffering he has caused you and will continue to cause you. Heck, he blames YOU for abusing you. How messed up is that!

You sound very broken. Your self-esteem is not what it should be. I would really suggest counseling for yourself. You need to rebuild yourself and get strong again and LEAVE. Take your puppy and get the heck out of there.

I am seeking counseling because I want out now. The thing that keeps me up at night is the thought of my son growing up to be just like his dad. Is he the role model you want for your future children? The cycle continues. My H became what he is because of how his father was.

Hope this helps.

Last night my H and I talked and he finally said for the first time ever that maybe he does have an "anger problem." This was after I clarified that I'm not telling him he doesn't have reasons that make him feel angry, I'm saying when he is angry he doesn't handle it appropriately. He now says he is willing to go to MC, although I get the impression he still doesn't think it will be necessary/helpful. I suggested an anger program and he said no, he doesn't need one, but I said if the MC tells you to go will you do it and he said yes.

I had been really sure I wanted out and now I'm hesitant again. I'm really not sure whether I want him to change and I stay in the relationship or whether I'm just done. I have so much anger and hurt and pain of my own from all the years of this and now that I'm facing it I just don't feel like I have enough left in me to commit to making things work. And I think that if we're going to go to MC and try to make it work we both have to want that. But part of me wonders if I go to MC and he starts to make progress will I get that back? Right now I hurt so bad to think of being alone but I also don't enjoy talking to him and am overly sensitive and sharp with him out of impatience from all the years of abuse and I have to close my eyes when we make love to keep from seeing his face because even though it's great sex I just don't want it to be with him. But I believe in working things out if it can be done. But on the other hand I don't think he's going to make big changes any time soon, maybe gradually he could... can anybody help me figure out what to do? Should I be trying to get those feelings back if he's willing to get help? Or should I stick with my original decision to leave even though we still love each other and it will hurt us both at least at first?

OK, first I will acknowledge that there are likely lovable traits in your H or you wouldn't have married him in the first place, and you wouldn't be struggling with your decision to leave. You don't want to hear anyone say "He's so aweful, how could he love you and do that?" or the like. Because you know there is good parts of him that make you want to stay with him for life, but there is this VERY bad part. And this one VERY bad part puts your emotional health, physical health and future livelyhood in jeopordy.

The reason he abuses is because he can not regulate his own feelings of low self-worth. Unfortunately most books, marriage councelors, phychotherapy and anger managements aren't going to work that. I've been through three councelors with my H with only negative results. He was his normal good side in counceling (the side I love), and only accomplished getting more amunition to use against me later. You know that what he says doesn't have to be true or even make sence for him to use it against you, and you know it still hurts to be treated that way.

Anger management gave my H suggestions on how to "deal" with his anger, not to understand and eliminate it's real cause. It's real cause is not YOU by the way. You know that regardless of what you do, how well you do it, how you apologize for your misteak it doesn't prevent the abuse. He will find something else entirely anyway. It's in him and there is NOTHING YOU can do about it, nothing YOU can do to help him stop.

My H has admitted dozens of time to his "anger problem". Like I mentioned we've gone to three marriage councelors. I wanted to help him stop verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wanted to get me to "shape up" and stop doing things that "pushed his buttons". You can not MAKE him angry, that is all his doing. You are just you and the dog is just the dog.

It's a whole tangled web that causes him to do what he does and unfortunately there is very little effective help out there at this point. And then only a % that go through the effective help treatments actually ALLOW it to help them.

At one point my H fessed up to "anger Problem" and agreed to go to Anger Management. Great for us, yeh! Problem was the classes (offered through local hospital last yr) didn't work. Now I've already used that card and my H isn't willing anymore. See, they blame to avoid their own hurt. This has gone on so long in my situation, he TRULY believes his lies that I cause all his pain and am fully to blame.

I have found the key though a book by Steven Stosny (recommened to me at this website back in Feb '06ish). The book is 'You Don't Have To Take It Anymore'. It's not a book that says how bad of a person your H is (cuz he's not all bad and you know that), or lists what are examples of abuse (you already know it's not right), or what you can do to stop it (you can't, the power isn't in you on this one). It is a book to heal you and the damage that has been done to you by learning why this has happened.

The second half of the book is for him. To help him understand why he does this and the steps he needs to take to eliminate (eliminate, not "manage") his anger impulses. I read both parts and found the second half to be a great life lesson for anyone.

Get it, read it, give it to him. If he doesn't read it and do all the exercizes involved, leave. The abuse will keep escalating because he is addicted to it as a "quick fix" to his pain. The book will explain much further everything I am saying.

In my relationship it has primarily been verbal and emotional abuse. The anger management got the name calling reduced but the emotional abuse was still there. I found this even more painful because you can't quite get your finger on what's going on. Physical and verbal abuse are so much easier to "see".

Anyway, my H won't do anymore work. It's sad, but it is a fact I have to live with. I'm not willing to spend my life being treated this way and letting my children see how people treat/are treated, so I have to go. I don't particularily want to, but I HAVE to.

Since your situation is more physical you may concider asking him to allow for a temporary physical separation while he works this issue. If he is TRULY seeing his part and is TRULY remorseful and TRULY intends to change his behavior, I can't see why he wouldn't respect your desire for this. I would seriously question if he didn't.

Plus it would be healthy for your marriage if you did get back together to "establish" yourself as an individual person and "heal" yourself from the damage that you've incurred. This last part is critical if your marriage will ever work or if you can be sucessful in another relationship in the future. You have been effected emotionally by this, that doesn't make you any less of a person, but it is a fact you will need to address. There were reasons in you that you fell in love with this type of person and why you allowed this to go on. You need to work through them all and find every last one of them, understand them and replace them. You may need a separation from him to do this just as he may need a separation from you to stop blaming you for all his pain.

Steven Stosny's program is court ordered in many states for "anger" issues. The website is Compassionpower.com. There is also a three day bootcamp for the abusor if it's in your budget and he is willing to go. But he says that if your H reads through the bootcamp section of the book (second half) and does all the excercises he shouldn't need to go.

I always feel so bad for the poor souls that are in our situation but don't have the resources like reading and internet available to them. We do, so please take advantage as best you can. Heal yourself, and hope he heals too. If he doesn't, you can leave the marriage with "clarity".

Good Luck!

learning2, you have just received excellent advice and information from jwoman.

You are waking up. You've been in a sort of dream-state but are coming out of it. Please don't drift back to sleep again.

The man you married will not make a good father if you have children. The children will become his tools to hurt you. Please don't allow that.

Get a plan together to leave, without letting him know. He is smart enough to pick up on things that are unspoken, and if he senses you pulling away he will be able to draw you back by acting as if he is changing. He will give enough to keep you where you are.

On a pragmatic level, why would he want you to go? You support the both of you. You are a lot younger than him, and at 27 you still have the beauty of youth. He has all his creature comforts met by you. Plus, when you are out together people see an old buck married to a young babe. You contribute to his image of being a hot stud, virile despite his age.

17 is still a child. How long were you dating before you married? I have a 17 year old son. By no means is a 17 year old capable of understanding a life choice such as the one you made. In 10 years you have grown up and are seeing clearly that there is no solid foundation in your marriage.

He has engaged in shoplifting. He uses "low level" drugs. Basically dishonest behavior. BTW, who is subsidizing his drug use? You? Because you are the only one working to support the marriage?

He has abused the puppy. You stood up for the animal. It gave you insight into why remaining with him is not good. Who cares for the puppy while you're at work - him? If you had children, who would care for the children while you worked? (because somebody has to be the breadwinner, and now it is you.) Would you want him to be watching your child?

Please stay awake, don't go back to sleep. And don't let on your plans if you decide to leave. The time you leave is the most dangerous and the time you are more likely to be injured or murdered (statistically speaking) than at any other time.

Statistically speaking again, pregnant women are in the greatest danger while carrying the baby than at any other time. If abuse hasn't been physical up until pregnancy, it becomes physical then. If physical abuse has been "mild" before pregnancy, it accelerates then.

Dr. Laura says that the three As are reasons to end a marriage: Abuse, Affairs, and Addictions. He uses low level drugs, and you can skirt around that by calling them "low level" but it IS addiction. If he drinks, that comes under Addictions. You don't know whether he has cheated, but he has been abusive to you without a doubt. Your body is hurting, it's telling your mind and your heart to wake up and leave. Your heart is hurting, you know you are special and unique and you need a break.

Abusers don't stop. They shift their ways.

My girlfriend's husband left marks on her throat and on her eye. She got photos taken at the police station the first time that happened. She took photos of the huge black and blues on her children's buttocks to report him to Children's Services. What did he do? He switched tactics. He has destroyed her credit, forged his name onto the deed of her home (which she bought as a single woman) and alienated the children from her. He has contacted her friends and the friends of the children and threatened them to not help her (I got a nasty letter from him as well).

But this is your story, not mine or my friend's.

If you were my daughter, I'd be telling you to leave.

Please listen to the advice you are being given here. I know it's hard but he's sucking you back in. It's part of the abuse cycle. The book I recommended to you in my last post addresses specifically how traditional counseling and MC will worsen your problems. There are specific programs for abusers.

Please get your hands on this book if you really want to stay in the marriage. Only you can decide that. My husband was never physically violent with my children and was only violent with me in minor ways-poking not slapping but still it's NOT ok. Your husband has already shown extreme danger signs of severe violence headed your way. If you really want to try and stay...LEAVING is the first course of action so that he gets the message that you won't tolerate it. PLEASE go and get help so you understand what is going on... I feel very worried for your safety. There are people who care and who will help you.