Ami, when you speak to him about all this, I would tell him you won't be available to be his baby sitter if he insists on going to the desert to get laid.

Move forward on exposure, Ami!

How about this for a start on an exposure letter? I think I would send it to his direct chain of command -- which would be his corporal and Seargent (who work with him every day, so they know him well, but do not know about the A), the Lieutenant, who knows him and is very impressed with him and always gives him special assignments, but doesn't have regular contact with him, and the Captain, who knows of him, and one of H's special assignments is the Captain's pet project, but who rarely has any contact with H at all.

I would also send copies to HR and Internal Affairs, plus to her supervisor. (My friend last night indicated that OW's supervisor already knows, so I'm not sure what effect that will have, except that they will see that copies went to every level of H's command, too.)

Anyway ... here's what I have written so far:

Dear (Position) (Name),

I am writing this letter to request your assistance with a delicate personal matter. I am the wife of one of your employees, (H). We have been married for 5 years, and have two children. I love my husband and our family very much.

Recently, (H) has admitted that he has been having an affair with (OW), who is a dispatcher. He ended the relationship and we have been working on putting our marriage and family back together. I love my husband and want to make our marriage work. However, it will be impossible for us to reconcile while he still has contact with this OW. Right now he regualry works the same shift as OW and therefore has to have professional contact withher, but very often that contact crosses the line beyond just being professional. In order for us to be able to save our marriage and family, we have to find a way for him to have absolutely NO contact, professional or otherwise, with OW.

I’m asking for your help and guidance. (H) indicates that it is impossible for him to avoid any contact with OW, that it is required by his job. He has tried to set up accountability partners and avoid contact with her in general, but it has not worked. He loves his job and this agency, and is an outstanding performer here. We would both hate for him to have to leave this agency in order to prevent any contact with OW. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this problem?

This is a GREAT LETTER, but the affair HAS NOT ENDED! Don't tell them it has, Ami. It has not. Take out this sentence: "ended the relationship and we have been working on putting our marriage and family back together."

Take out this: "Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this problem? "

and replace with "what do you intend on doing about this problem?"

Let them know that you expect them to do something about it. AND that is a good idea to send it to OW's supervisor. Can you go higher than that?

What about "he agreed to end the relationship" ?

I guess I wanted something in there indicating that I wasn't just a scorned wife, but that he was into saving the marriage, too ... does that make sense?

Definitely like your suggestion for the last sentence!

Thanks!

You are not a scorned wife, you are a W who is seeking a SOLUTION. If you falsely present the state of the affair, they will be less inclined to help you because if there is no active affair, there is no sense of urgency.

Ami, he is NOT into saving the marriage, he is HAVING AN AFFAIR. Just say it like that, ok? There is no benefit to stating that it is over or that he has agreed to work on your marriage. What he SAYS is absolutely irrelevent, because he LIES. Rather, what he DOES is the issue.

<<sigh>>
You're right, as usual.

H is going to E-X-P-L-O-D-E!!!!! He won't get physical, he never would, but he will be absolutely furious. I'm buckling in for that ride right now. Ugh.

Here is the version that I just put in the mail, addressed to the Captain, and cc'ed to everyone else already mentioned earlier, PLUS x-boss and OW. It took all I had to not include a nasty little extra note on her copy, I would have loved to work in something about being the village bicycle ... I just love that phrase.


Dear (Position) (Name),

I am writing this letter to request your assistance with a delicate personal matter. I am the wife of one of your employees, (H). We have been married for 5 years, and have two children. I love my husband and our family very much.

Recently, (H) has admitted that he has been having an affair with (OW), who is a dispatcher. We are in counseling now and trying to put our marriage and family back together. However, it will be impossible for us to reconcile while he still has contact with (OW). Right now he regualry works the same shift as (OW) and therefore has frequent contact with her, both in person and over cell phone and radio. But very often that contact crosses the line beyond just being professional. In order for us to be able to save our marriage and family, we have to find a way for him to have absolutely NO contact, professional or otherwise, with (OW).

I’m asking for your help and guidance. (H) indicates that it is impossible for him to avoid any contact with (OW), that it is required by his job. He has tried to set up accountability partners and avoid contact with her in general, but it has not worked. He loves his job and this agency, and is an outstanding performer here. We would both hate for him to have to leave this agency in order to prevent any contact with (OW).

What is your policy for handling situations like this? What do you intend to do about this problem? As this is obviously a very serious situation that continues to dramatically impact our family life, I would like a response from you as soon as possible. You may contact me at: ..... You may also contact H at work, via his Nextel, or off-duty by ....

Thank you for your attention, I will wait for your response.

Sincerely,
......

Ugh .... my stomach is in knots. I can't believe that I just actually mailed that. Now here comes the panic....

H is going to totally fly off the wall.

I need some reinfrocement here .... remind me again how this is going to HELP us???? He's going to be SOOOO furious with me!!!!!!! His career is probably the very most vulnerable possible place where I could attack him, and I've just done it. If that's not the ultimate LB, I don't know what is. So much for building a SAFE and HAPPY home. Tel me again that this really does fit in Plan A....???? UGH!!!!

How do I stop shaking???

Mail is fast here, they will all get it today or tomorrow, probably have read it at least by Thursday. H works Wednesday and Thursday nights, so the S#!t will probably hit the fan then. Unless he does end up taking his "me time" vacation those two nights ... it was looking questionable about him being able to get those days off.

UGH!!!!!!

Ami, just expect that he will be furious and you won't be disappointed. When he explodes you simply tell him you love him and you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Dont try to reason with him and don't imagine for a minute that there is anything you can say that will make him like it. So don't even try.

Just know that his anger will die down. Your marriage can survive his anger, it CANNOT survive an affair.

Remember, it is not WRONG to expose an affair, it is wrong to HAVE AN AFFAIR. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING.

So, don't let him make you feel guilty and don't allow him to bait you into a fight.

We will be here to hold your hand when he finds out. You will be fine!

Here is a thread for you to read: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2744183

OK..

Deep breaths and let's get some perspective.

Your H is having SEX with another woman and LYING about it.

You are worried that he's going to be MAD?

Are you? Really? Is conflict avoidance a tendancy of yours?

Now..before I come off as too harsh..that was just a little reality injection.

It is almost a universal response..by every BS..to fear the consequence of betraying their spouses secrets.

Bear in mind..he doesn't HAVE THE RIGHT to be doing what he is doing..if he is angry [and he will be] that you exposed him..you be sure to let him know that you understand how he feels..having been repeatedly betrayed yourself.

Your tag line is.."I will do everything within my power..to bring about the end of this affair and begin to recover my marriage."

Which means..look out, I make you no promises and will not ask your permission to do whatever I see fit to protect my own interests and enforce the boundaries and sanctity of my marriage and my home.

When he needs your permission to drop his pants..you may consider asking his to expose him for doing so.

Feel better?

Don't take childish tempertantrums at having lost control [which he had..an iron grip..just look at how much poop you've openned wide and swallowed already] over the consequences of his own actions..frighten or intimidate you into inaction.

He's mad..great..he should be mad..he should be in TERRIBLE conflict about what he is doing. The more uncomfortable he is..the more reality is clearing out his nice comfy fog.

So plan your response..practice in the bathroom mirror if you need to. Write yourself a sang froid script and go get an oscar for it.

Don't try to sooth or pacify him..don't try to make him OK with what you have done..just LET HIM RAGE ABOUT IT and ignor it.

Good post, noodle. Ami, like noodle suggested, practice your lines in the mirror. Here are your talking points:

.."I will do everything within my power..to bring about the end of this affair and begin to recover my marriage."

"I am so disappointed that I was put in this position by your actions."

Keep in mind that it is not YOU who has done anything wrong here. You ARE NOT obliged to keep his dirty little secret for him. He IS OBLIGED to be faithful to you!

PS..

When I exposed my H at his work..I asked his CO to speak on the porch rather than in the office so that I could have the benefit of fresh air..wasn't sure whether I was gonna faint or puke or both..the shakes..the knots..I get it. I know where you are coming from.

You are doing the right thing..even if it feels scary and awful..you are making a CHOICE to take a well advised and well considerred ACTION to begin to break up an affair in hopes of restorring health to your marriage and home.

I expect that most of the letters will get delivered today. Certainly OW's, and the others may get stuck in limbo in the inter-office mail for a few hours or may not make it out of someone's in-box until tomorrow, at max, but they are usualy pretty fast. So I expect that the s#!t will start hitting the fan this afternoon.

We have a MC appointment at 11:15 ... do I tell him what I've done? By that time, he won't be able to stop it or spin it or get to anyone first.

Also, I haven't yet been able to confront him about that phone call. I have a problem in general with confrontation, and I'm not sure how to do it calmly and gently and within the Plan A guidelines. I need a script to practice. I have lots of things to practice in the mirror today....

I'm so stinking scared right now. Shaking, gagging, heart racing, sweating, UGH. The next few days are going to really, really suck. I thought it couldn't get worse than it already had, but it's about to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

YES!!!

He WILL be absolutely FURIOUS...but what *have* you done??
You are just the messager. It is WH and OW's actions that are being exposed. If there was nothing to exposed, this wouldn't be an issue.

What you will have thrown at you will be guilt and shame and secrecy. You are bursting their A bubble. They were relishing in the secrecy, and now their secret is OUT. They can no longer hide behind the shadows.

What they will be mad about is that people will look at them and KNOW what they are capable of.

You have taken a VERY important step in recovery. Having the A out in the open will actually do YOU and WH a favor. Once recovery begins he doesn't have to hide the A, doesn't have to lie about it any longer, who else should know about it? It will be easier to talk about in the future...

I would suggest not saying anything JUST yet... There's really nothing for you to say or to explain. He will ask "Why", and there is really no need to answer that...you can just throw it back at him..."Why?"
He won't listen to why you have done this, not in the fog, perhaps when recovery begins you can explain...

Ami,

LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE, THIS SITUATION IS SO TEXTBOOK, its very similar to mine and many others on this site going down the same road. I also found calls on my H's cell to OW after "supposedly no contact had begun". I didn't know about MB then and just couldn't keep my mouth shut, looking back if I had the wisdom of this site, it would have saved me from more heartache.

My recovery continues, but I will not fail to listen to these posters as situations unfold. It is "animalistic" how all the WS act & talk. My H said he thought he needed to go live under a bridge for a while, in retrospect he probably should have.

Another thing, we all have/had friends like yours, with advice of what you should do or what they would do. You can't even attempt to offer qualified advice until you've been in the same situation. They mean well, but pay no attention, just smile (try to) and say thanks. You will do what you can & will do when the time comes.

Hang in there, you can do this!!! You have support! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Our counseling apointment is in half an hour ... can someone please give me specific advice about how and if I confront him about the call? I'm sure there have been others that he got deleted out of the history before I saw them.

I really need specific words.

"It hurts me that you're continuing to have contact with her..."?

Thank you. It really does help to know that other people have been in the same situation, and that MB principals have worked for them. Sometimes it seems SOOOO hard.

When you say you couldn't keep your mouth shut -- do you mean that I shouldn't confront him about the phone call?



Yeah, I've gotten plenty of terrible advice from friends and family. I do try to sort out the people who are just talking out of their rear-ends, but am not always very successful.


Thanks, I really, really need it!

Ami, c'mon. Just say it, you don't need a script. "I see you are still in contact with OW as I see these calls on your phone." SILENCE

Then you will get lies and excuses and denials.

Some of the things to expect out of his mouth (and don't believe a word of it...)

I WAS going to work on things until you did this, now I'm not...

This is YOUR fault....

You've ruined everything.....

You're the cause of me losing my job....

And there are many more variations of the same crap. Just keep your mind in the right place -- YOU are the betrayed one, he has brought this on HIMSELF by his own actions, YOU have done nothing wrong!

Be prepared, don't let his words hurt you.