Hmmm, I thought I had posted about the calls last week, but guess not. Basically, OW was trying to get H to talk to her and was not letting his calls go through to where he needed to because he wouldn't talk to her. He had to get his boss andhis trainee to make calls for him that night.

With his nights off and hers after that, they didn't work the same shift again until last night. She started messing with his calls again, not letting him get through, cutting in when he was talking to other people, hanging up on him whenhe wouldn't agree to "come talk" to her, telling him how lonely she is and she didn't understand why he was being so harsh, and she thought that they were still going to be friends, but now he won't even look at her and doesn't come up to see them anymore, blah blah blah blah whine. You would think she'd be smarter than this, since she knows the calls are recorded and that I can listen to them, and her boss DOES listen to them. But I guess the OP alien has completely rotted her brain.

Well, her messing around caused a problem for H getting information on a call. It took him 45 minutes when it should have been less than a minute. Fortunately, his boss was right there the whole time and heard it all -- heard her refusing to put him through and give him information, and one of her rants.

boss exploded and called his and H's BIG boss, and OW's BIG boss -- both at home, asleep, in the middle of the night. Thank goodness for all the phone calls being recorded. Her boss erases them after about a week or so, but H's boss has kept them ever since this all started. The BIG bosses came in to the office, and they had a lovely little "conference" at 1:30 this morning, listened to the tapes with OW and H both sitting there. And they fired her, right on the spot. Didn't even let her go back to her office to get her things, they are having someone pack them up for her. They also put a reprimand letter in H's file, but the tapes proved that he had done everything he could to be professional and not speak to her, so that's the extent of any discipline for him.

So -- OW is GONE. And H is SOOOOOOO ticked off at her for putting him through all of that. He was still furious about it this morning at the MC's ofice .... practically SPIT out the story. Totally disgusted by her and was railing about it for at least half of the MC session. Then, out of the blue, he looked at me and said "well, now you'll be sure of me never having contact with her again ... so does that mean we're fixed?"

It was kind of cute the way he said it ... he really thought that was all there was to it. I told him there was probably quite a bit of healing, etc. to do and things that we needed to work on and he just said "ok". Like a kid.


So now what do we do? Does this mean we can start Recovery? What, exactly, does that entail? Are there specific steps to follow, a plan? What things happen now?

Thanks!!

my, I have spoken to you before... just be careful. This woman could seek revenge for her losses (perceived losses). She is obviously mentally unstable and I would suggest that you and your H take the work eveidence and get a stay away order against this woman.
As far as what to do... let the healing begin without the distraction that htis b!tch has caused.
Best of luck to you.

yippee!! Ami,this makes things much easier, except now he has to be prepared, as MEDC pointed out, for her to try and mess with him outside of work. I would have a plan in place and get his agreement to NOT EVER ANSWER her calls and to tell you when she tries to call.

This is great news!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, MEDC.

You were a huge help when I was trying to gather info on OW. I can't tell you how much I still appreciate that!!

I agree that this most recent round of calls kind of calls her stability into question. They did warn her last night to stay away from all of us. They told her theywould bring criminal and civil charges against her, as well as supporting us in any charges if we wanted to press them, if she ever attempted to make any contact with H, me or our kids ever again.

It probably wouldn't hurt to get that on paper, though. I will ask H's boss about it -- I'm supposed to go meet with him this afternoon.

Thanks again for your help!

-Ami.

Thanks, Mel!

You know, it took me so long to finally expose to his work, you had to clock me a few good ones before I'd listen to you.

Don't know why I ever had any question -- you're a real pro, and I should have listened from the start -- might have gotten here a little bit sooner! Anyway, I appreciate your patience with me and your help -- even when I didn't want to listen. :-)

Great point about him not even taking her calls. They told her last night that they would still be recording calls to his phone, and he told her that we also record calls to our home. But there would be nothing to have to record if he/we never even pick up the phone or answer the calls. I will talk to him about that tonight.

Thanks again for all your help!

-Ami.

Met with H's big, big boss this afternoon. He said he was sure that H had told me about the meeting last night, but then told me all about it from his POV, too.

He told me about the meeting, asked if I'd been listening to the recordings and checking the records and said he would keep that available to me for as long as I wanted, but that I could obviously expect a big drop off in the number of calls since she wouldn't be working there anymore.

I asked him about a protective order or keep away order. He gave me the number of one of the District Attorneys and said to talk to him about it because boss didn't think that any of the recordings we had were really enough -- that she was unprofessional, but not threatening in any way. But he said that they would help if we decided to try to get an order, and that he'd told the DA to help us with it if we wanted. He also said there definitely was not a harassment case yet, but that she'd been warned she was right on the edge, and that they would help us prosecute if there were any more problems.

So -- I'm feeling pretty good. I think OW might really, finally be history. A big, bright ray of hope that just hit -- it feels really nice!

I think I might get to change my sig line now....?

WOW!..I mean...just..WOW!

What a good day for you Ami..congrats!

>still doing snoopy dance<

I may be at this awhile..check in later.

LOL!! Thanks, Noodle!!
I think I will join you in doing the snoopy dance!

You hung in there with me through all of this and helped get me here, too. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-Ami.

Great news, Ami...what a wonderful company your FWH works for...many take no action...they dodge and cover up...

I think that reflects on the bosses and the big bosses and the big big bosses...great people make a great company.

LA

Thanks, LA.

I just had to tell you, my H was complaining to me yesterday (before all these events) about a trainee he had who was a "yes man". H was talking about how it was aggrivating because you never know where you stand with a person like that, they aren't genuine, and you don't know if they're just agreeing because they have to or because they really mean it.

Then he said "and what's with you not doing that anymore all of a sudden?" He started teasing me about taking testosterone ... said he liked it, but if I start "growing REAL balls" we'd have a problem because he doesn't swing that way. ;-)

It was funny. But it also made me feel a little proud. This whole being authentic and speakingmy mind thing is not easy, but I think I'm making some strides if he's already noticing.

So thanks for helping me with that -- that's a HUGE thing that I think will totally change our relationship, all of my relationships, for the much, much better.

Thanks!
-Ami.

So, now real NC is finally in place, and H is totally disgusted by OW and her recent antics.

Will he still need to go through more withdrawl, even though he's so furious with her? We haven't had a chance to talk since MC yesterday, so I don't have much to gauge on yet other than his "are we fixed now" question from yesterday.

Do we start recovery? I am liking all the things I've been doing in Plan A, so I think I will keep that all up. And I'm working hard on being transparent and authentic -- which is a huge change for me. What steps do we take together? H seemed very open to whatever steps are next. I think a big one will be finding a more effective MC, who can give us more specific guidance, other than just letting us lead the conversation.

What are the things we need to do right now?

Thanks, everyone, for all your help. I SO appreciate this site!!!

-Ami.

Thank you for sharing how you took Plan A and enhanced your life...freed yourself, didn't ya?

For recovery plans...I suggest continuing on this new open and honest policy to include communication exercises (twice a week) and a play date at least once a week...along with MC (try asking MC to do more of what you want rather than changing...or to stop doing whatever it is you don't like...this is part of the O&H policy which really boosted my self-respect when I opened my mouth and asked for what I wanted from such an authority figure to me)...

Continue that new self-care...give yourself kudos and encouragement...

Did you do the LB and EN questionnaires already?

The fantasy bit your WH...I would think this doesn't matter as much because withdrawal is about not going to the fantasy to escape stress and pain...not a real person. OW helped blow the fantasy, yet I don't see how that affects WH's routine of using it to self-soothe.

You're safe to share with, so I imagine, listening and repeating, continuing on in your authentic commitment, you'll hear more and know more in time...

LA

Thanks, LA.

He agreed to work on the EN and LB questionnaires, we're doing them on Monday. Maybe ask the MC for communication exercises? We're trying to get play dates in, but schedules have been rough recently. I'm taking a couple of days off this week to try to get some time in with him.

Thanks so much for all your help. I have a lot of growing to do, but every little baby step feels really good.

Thanks.

AmiWalsh,

I am very encouraged by your story. Baby steps towards recovery are marvelous. Good for you for the exposure! Good luck!

So tonight I was taking my H some workout clothes -- he works out after his shift and half of the time forgets his clothes. Usually, I like getting to take them down there because it's just one more excuse to get to see him, even if it's just for a minute. I like doing it.

But tonight, it just kept bringing up memories of how he'd tell me he was going to work out when he was really going to HER house. Waiting up all night for him to come home from a workout, and calling all over the place at 2 am looking for him. The night he went out with his friend and I figured out what was going on and called him on it ... the way the friend lied to me to cover for him, the way H had kissed me on his way out the door to meet her ...

This happens every once in a while. I try to push the thoughts back, think of other things, put on loud music, tell myself to stop it ... but I can't get them out of my head.

We've had a really good week so far, no reappearances of OW, getting along great, nothing that should cause this ... it just comes like a tidal wave sometimes.

What do you do about these things? Is it going to always be this way?

Thanks.
-Ami.

Thanks r2w.

I fought against exposure pretty hard. I think MelodyLane just about gave up on me a couple of times because I didn't want to do it. But I really think that the exposure is what finally broke the camel's back for the OW.

My H had reported already to his supervisors, then I went and made a big stink, sent letters to everyone in his line of bosses and hers, all the way to the very top. Most of those people already knew, or acted like they didn't care at first, but it was the pressure on OW at work that finally made her "crack".

I can't tell you enough how valuable a tool I think it is. I wish I had listened to people on here and done it much earlier.

You know, I actually let myself believe that we were in for smooth sailing now that OW is out of the picture.

I have learned my lesson about thinking that!

First -- I've still been fighting all the "flashbacks", and they are getting more frequent. H works out in the middle of the night, after work. I have proof of where he is, but it still sends me right back to thinking about all the nights he SAID he was working out and was with her instead. There are about 15 other things that have suddenly become triggers and bring things flooding back, too. I'm not sure how to fight off these waves.

Then -- today at MC, H said that he feels "forced" to show me affection because it's my top EN (we did the EN questionnaire). He doesn't want to "have to bother" with it "all the time" and would rather I "get out of his way". Affection is my highest EN, and he's telling me it's a miserable chore. Touch is my primary "love language", and he said today that he doesn't like to have to touch me, because it's "expected". He has no problem with me giving him foot rubs and backrubs, etc. He just doesn't want to "have" to touch me! I can't even begin to explain how deeply that sliced through my heart. I was trying SO hard not to cry, because I want him to be honest, even when it's hard, but how do you not cry when that honesty hurts like he11???

So the MC said that I need to let him initiate ALL affection for the next two weeks. I'm not supposed to touch him or go hug him or kiss him or ask for a hug or hold his hand or tell him I love him or anything. I'm supposed to let him initiate all affection, and all I can do is reciprotcate. I am only allowed to smile or wink at him or say Hi on my own initiative -- everything else has to start with him.

I HATE this plan. I told them both that it doesn't feel good to me at all. But I agreed to it for one week. I am fearful about this because I'm assuming that he will not give me affection without me pushing for it ... which is probably a DJ, but it's based on past history. But on the other hand, I don't want "forced" affection, either. I suppose that's probably worse, to think that he only hugs me because he feels like he "has" to.

I don't like this at all. Am I supposed to swallow my own feelings so that he can decide how to express his? How is any of this authentic if I need affection but am not allowed to ask for it, or give it unless I get permission?


And I hate, hate, HATE that I cry so much during conversations like this. I'm ok with sharing what hurts and how I feel (that's new!), but the breaking down into sobs stuff is ridiculous and not very good reenforcement if I want him to be open and honest with me.

Ugggghhhhh. Does it ever start getting easier, better, than this???

Geez sorry you are going through so much.

I hear you on the triggers and they will eventually get less frequent and less hurful.

Are you fullfilling his EN's?

One question for you what are his most important EN's and are you allowed to decide when you are going to "initiate" them?

I agree that if you think he feels forced it will not benefit you.

Maybe it is a good plan but I would think that all things being equal you should not have to fill his then for that same two weeks.

Maybe if SF is one of his most important which it usually is for men (I am one and it is) you can decide not to fullfill it until you feel like you have gotten the affection you want.

I am not suggesting you play games but don't give into something he wants when you are not getting what you want and need.

Now he starts withdrawl for real.

Read up on withdrawl..this is not a time when he will be pulling his load..he will be resentfull..angry..you name it..it's ugly.

He will not be meeting your ENs..he will probably not allow you to meet his.

In short..he is going to be an ugly selfish little twerp for a while.

So become very wise and big enough for the situation as you have done in all of the others.