Hello,

I'm new and could use a little help if there is any.

Quick background story....

Woman and I are together for 2 years. Pattern of you leave, no, you leave. Violations across the board of lovebusters, on both parts, probably a little more intense from my direction.

2 months ago decides to move back to her mothers, 200 miles away. Says we will work things out.

It seems as if everything has become my fault, and if I want to see her, I have to "behave". Further I have to make the trip to see her. No exceptions.

I am tired. I am clearly working on myself daily, and trying to restore trust, and love, and it is like beating myself in the head.

Is it time to throw in the towel? Is this a sign that this woman and I should not be together? It would be easier to start new, and find what I am looking for, and concentrate my efforts on someone who isn't checking her list of prior offenses, to make sure I am not committing new ones.

Would be nice to have an opportunity to just be myself.

BTW I have talked to the current woman about this, and she gets mad, and blames me again. I have no idea how to even approach any issues with her. The fear of losing her is quickly being replaced by the strength in who I am becoming.

Thanks in advance



PS We are not married

Before you decide, have you read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley? Could you commit to reading that one and Boundaries in Dating by Cloud and Townsend?

You're working on you...finding your LBs, where the permissions come from...and you have a belief in destiny...that there are signs to follow, instead of your choices.

Before you move on and recreate something that looks nothing like this and turns out to be just this, take some time and learn about respect, your own boundaries for you and about you...and then make a decision.

I believe in getting all your lessons...consider why you chose to live together before marriage...why you believe relationships have blame in them at all...and how you operate, create resentment and its payoff.

You're half of a pattern, and you take that with you.

In your corner,

LA

Thank you so much for your reply. I truly appreciate the insight you have given. I had to take a day to absorb what you were saying.

In the meanwhile, I have given up. We talked yesterday, and when I asked point blank what she was willing to do to work this out, it came with too many unrealistic limitations. Limitations that truly prevent any real reconciliation.

I am not saying that I blame her, or find fault, I am relating where I am, and where she is.

Since that conversation with her yesterday, I went into desperation mode and tried to woo her back. Thankfully, it was on her voicemail, so there is no need of worry over anything. She hasn't returned my call, and truthfully, at this point, I don't know what to tell her or say, if she did.

I am deep in prayer over my life right now, and looking for the tools to accomplish greater things, and break this pattern in my life, and make better choices in relationships. It is sad, that I have lost someone that meant so much to me. Half at least of the responsibility for that lies squarely on my shoulders.

I have faith that in time, and through tireless efforts on my part, that I will be able to look back at this time, and see it as a needed part of my growth, and someone in my future including me, will benefit from it.

I am going to the store today to find those books, and begin my learning. I will also stay around here, and glean these boards, and website for information, and instruction.

I am so thankful for finding this place. I am thankful for you too, for taking time to write a response that was needed.

Please keep me in your prayers.

You're in my prayers...and I saw your post in Other Topics.

And Needed Prayers.

When you were hurt and angry, filled with violation, a few days ago, look at what you didn't mention...

her children

for two years were part of your life as well as she was...your GF/SO...whom you called Woman...

Now, you've expressed your emotions, caught the signals, and they have awakened in you what is your part...

Were you angry from abandonment? Anger is a secondary emotion...what was the primary one you felt from this leave, no, you leave dance?

In anger, our focus remains on the other person...not ourselves.

Seems like you yanked your focus back.

What if...you betrayed yourself? By focusing on her and what she demanded of you, you were telling yourself you were worthless? Not worth having or enforcing healthy boundaries...and your altercation...was you beating her up with withheld words, which were mostly about yourself?

Awareness comes...from God. Now is your time, LM. This isn't a long dark night...this is the dawn of a lot about you, your real power, knowing your real self, and working out what hasn't been before.

Once you get to a calm place, a loving detachment, then carefully and in a limited way, look at why you chose to love her, her children...and what you feared most. Find out what appealed to you from her life...not her characteristics...and find out what the payoff was in the role you put her in...

Then hold those answers and sit with them...you see yourself in others...your dog and your cat.

I'm glad you're here, meowing.

LA

I have so many questions, and my mind wants all the answers right now. I know I know, it doesn't work like that. I know I have to be thankful for progression.

I suppose you understand where I am, and how a person can be overly excited about having something new like the MB in their life.

I am trying very hard to be honest with myself, as I discuss these things. Sometimes that is hard for me. I have deluded my thinking for so long, that at times, what seems real to me isn't. So please bear with me. And whoever you are, thank you so much for taking this time to read my writings, and offer help. You are truly a Godsend for a man who wants the help more than anything.

I'm trying to find all your threads...this is me, not being good at multiple threads...not you.

I asked:
"By focusing on her and what she demanded of you, you were telling yourself you were worthless?"

And you answered: "I didn't need to focus on her to tell myself I am worthless, I have made a lifetime event out of thinking that way. She was probably my biggest supporter of me being a good man," Here is a payoff which confused you. You relied on someone else to define you, tell you who you were rather than know yourself. So many of us have done that throughout our lives. Comes from being mirrored by our parents and as we aged, not breaking that mirror but replacing it with others to mirror us.

God's design is that no one can define you--only you have that control, that right. Why? Because you are his creation...when we put our selves, our image, in other hands, we are making them our god...and in human hands, our selves are destroyed and rebuilt again and again, aren't they? Part of the fear of abandonment is just this--that when others leave, they take our selves with them...it is where we put our selves for safekeeping, like hiding a quarter in our sister's piggybank...and it comes from that belief, early on, even when we are adults.

"I had been in this worthless point for so long about me though, I couldn't seem to find my way out of it. That is stopped, and I am working daily on things to improve my self worth, and the ability to see me as a valuable person."

Along with knowing you are God's creation, whole and complete (a belief that you wanted to replace the old one), also respect that she is who she is, also...do not define her, choose to believe or accept her definitions of you. Respect she is separate and equal to you...because she lived through you, also...defining each other only works when we like the definitions...and falls apart, gets crushed when those definitions are what we don't want to be.

Did you find my "Owning All Your Villagers" thread?

You said:
"I have no idea what a healthy boundary is??"

You're not alone. When we live in mirrors, we have no idea of our separate selves, of our boundaries, and usually are with others who have no idea of what a boundary is, either.

"Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend (they have a whole series, including Boundaries in Dating, for Parents, and Boundaries by itself)...talks about everything I do...ownership not blame, being complete...all biblically based...and you're already working on the first part...because you are getting to know yourself and how you abandoned you a long time ago...reclaiming you is essential; boundaries aid us in defining ourselves and our lives after we've done so.

I said:
"Once you get to a calm place, a loving detachment, then carefully and in a limited way, look at why you chose to love her, her children...and what you feared most. Find out what appealed to you from her life...not her characteristics...and find out what the payoff was in the role you put her in..."

You asked:
"Can you please put this in different terms, I don't understand what you mean? What appealed to me are her characteristics??"

Can you see how her willingness to define you in a positive way was part of why you loved her? When this stops, from the respect injection...then you might feel lost, detached from, rejected...at first. Essentially, I was asking you to look in her for what you wanted to be, how you wanted to be seen, and where your fear of only being you and her being her was driving you?

This is a big question, for further down the road, maybe...you'll have little lights go off when doing and thinking of something entirely different...goes to knowing your intent at all times. Identifying and accepting it.

As for the leave dance...when our relationships get to that point where one has threatened or done the unthinkable...well, it's no longer unthinkable...so we use it all the time...like our only weapon. Laying down weapons, knowing they weren't needed at all, is the first step to breaking the leave dance.

Please lay down the judgment...calling yourself overly excited...that's someone else in your head...you feel relieved, delighted, accepted and thrilled...no overly/underly about it. Just you. And yes, I remember. I rejoice with your joy for you being here.

My privilege.

LA