So if you're one of the ones on here that didn't have his/her marriage stay intact, these are for you. Or for anyone who might have any input. Really, i just want to toss around some questions.

1. What kind of boundaries post-divorce did you set up?
2. Can you really ever be friends again if the marriage ended because of infidelity?
3. Civility aside, does there ever come a point where you can be around the exspouse and not think about the infidelity?
4. How long does it take to be able to handle their presence and essentially it be somewhat normal?
5.And the OP? If they marry, how do youinteract with OP? Assuming the only reason you would have to is because of the kids.


I keep thinking that one day will this be a thing of the past? Will my heart always hurt over this betrayal and death of sorts? I keep on top of myself in my actions and dealings with my stbxh (sounds so crazy to type that), always making sure I am civil and actually make sure I deal with him with as much grace as I can. But that elephant is always there.

Maybe when there is a real apology? Maybe when I know he understands this decision to marry OP and leave us? maybe when he stops blaming me?

I don't know. Would just like some feedback. I thought about postingthis on the Divorcing board, but I have come to know the names over here and know several recovered "people" and not marriages people on this forum that post, and was hoping they would pipe in.
Thanks guys.

And one more thing.

OW and WH went to church together last week. As I was telling a friend about this, she said that it's bascially over (just waiting for a court date) and that it really is okay for them to do whatever they want.

But will it EVER be okay? When all is said and done and this is final, is it OKAY then that they are together? I am supposed to not care? Or not see it as wrong, still, since we will be divorced then?

I know I am asking lots of questions, but I am just trying to "accept" mentally what is about to happen, and want to know how you think other people will view their relationship.

Yeah, one day it will be ok.

One day.

Maybe not any time soon.

My marriage did not end because of physical infidelity.....however, he had multiple emotional affairs over the course of our 17 year marriage. And we were separated 3.5 years before the divorce.

He did marry again - a woman who had no role in the death of our marriage - about 5 years ago - after 3 years or so of singlehood.

Bear in mind one of the emotional affairs was with my sister. I think I knew in the back of my mind that there was a 1-way attraction toward her. It was confirmed by my sister after he left me. She had not accepted his overtures - at least she never admitted it and he said they were rebuffed. I forgave her - although I remain disappointed that neither she nor my mother ever told me about this until I was going through the separation and the divorce.

The secretary in his office told me about the rumors at their office about x and another woman. Not that anything had 'happened' but that there were eyebrows being raised about why he was having conversations with her when this would not have been a normal part of their employment in different divisions of the company. He admitted this woman was part of the reason he wanted out - although I believe she did not accept his overtures (after the separation, the counselor who was working w/ us told me privately that he had asked her out and she declined.)

Today, after 10 years of separateness - almost 11 years since he left - we have a better relationship that we have had in 18 or more years. I've worked really hard on myself. And, for some reason, he is treating me better than he ever has - probably because we ended up in family counseling due to some things that happened to our daughter. Children are doing better. His wife and I have an outstanding relationship.

Tex - don't stress. Hard to do, I know. Just do the best you can. Promote his relationship w/ the children as much as is reasonably possible. Don't badmouth him to the children. Vent when and where appropriate. But not in front of them or where they can overhear.

It takes time.......lots of time.

Lots of healing.

Lots.

Especially for those who are devastated by the disintegration.

But, with time and healing, it gets better.

My timetable may be lots longer than yours will be. It may be shorter. I can't say on that.

But, it does get better.

Remember, their actions are their actions. Not a reflection on you. Your actions are your actions. And they ARE a reflection on you.