What do you do when after your M has hit ground zero, you completely change your impression of how important your M is, you find this site, you get excited about the potential your M could have if only your S agreed to attempt implementing the changes also. Instead you get shut down or rejected you over and over.

What do you do when S offers NO solution toward recovery.

What do you do when S would rather not communicate true feelings, until she gets to breaking point, then you hear how terrible everything is, in what could be called anything but a productive conversation.

What do you do when the term "faking it till you make it" turns in to "Just fake it"

What do you do when you feel your sole purpose in life is to make a living and keep your family comfortable.

What do you do when your S has the ability to tell you "I wish you were dead" 2 years into "recovery".

What do you do when you would rather be dead than to hear those words spoken by person you love/loved.

What do you do when your only remaining reason to stay M is for the kids, but that is no longer enough.

What do you do when you feel you are only a shell of the person you are capable of being.

What do you do when the emotional pain you S is causing exceeds the pain you felt when the father you loved died.

What do you do when you no longer feel you have the capablity to Justkeeptrying.

Sorry folks, just having a little pity party...

justkeeptrying...

you have to step back and find YOURSELF again...

you have chosen to place all your self worth in to your spouse...

her words of cruelity....I wish you were dead etc...should reflect only on to HER own self loathing turned outwards....
remove yourself from her chaos
humm and sing under your breath all the time...

put no weight on to her words...except to reflect their ugliness back on to her..

do not power struggle....


you stand as a soveriegn child of God alone...
worthy of great love and existance...

she can't touch that
she can't change that....

and you are giving up in believing in YOU

don't you dare....

you are not worthy or lovable or capable or strong or admirable or anything else based on her giving or taking...

you stand alone
greatly unique
greatly valuable
greatly needed on this earth...

don't succumb to her sickness and vileness...

pray
seek a group of men to validate and empower you

you want to get her attention
or
you want to get her attention without even 'wanting' her attention...

believe in YOURSELF

people that truly believe in themselves as a child of God...

are attractive happy people....powerful....in Grace...


I know this sounds like psycho-babble schlock 101...but it's not...

every line in your post screams...

I don't believe in me
I don't love me
I give unto the power to destroy me as if she has the OK to do it...

DON'T DO IT.

All her vitriol hate and childish behavior has NOTHING to do with you ...
don't give it that power...

it is her own unhappiness, unrest, and unease on herself turned out to you....
because lashing out is easier than facing the true self...

do not be her shock absorber.
do not give credence...


offer blank non reactions when she speaks such chaos and leave the stupidness of her own words to echo in her head....and stick back unto her....

you gotta dig deep justkeep..
and not go belly up under this

marriagebuilders is most often about saving YOU the one that posts here...saving of a marriage can be second or third....

but you can't save anything feeling the way you do....

time for you to change once again...
different focus...
ARK

JKT,

I feel like you do, Ark is giving you great advice, please listen.

My WW still doesn't want affection or SF, would probably rather I dropped off the face of the earth. Too bad I'm here, for me, and for the kids, she is free to go at any time if she so chooses. I'm OK with that, I would rather she stayed, but if she leaves I will be OK and so will my kids, we will survive and thrive. You will too!

ARK, Great post "as usual". THANK YOU.

Having a 6 yo DD, and playing chutes and ladders. You know that one ladder near the end of the game if you hit it, you return to just a few paces above GO?

The same ladder if I am playing with DD and I am winning, I make sure to land on so she gets excited, and takes the lead.

Well I hit that sucker this week and wiped out 2 years, and question my ability to continue back up. At least my ability to do it for the sake of my M.

What really blows me away... A few days pass, and she acts as if nothing occured like it was all a bad dream. No comments, no apologizes, no regrets. While I lay beat down on the floor.

In the past, for the majority of our M, if someone was verbally abusive 9 outta 10 times it was me. In the past 2 years, since getting hit by the "I want a D" train, and realized what was really important to me. I began making the required corrections toward being the H she deserved, and was denied for so many years. For every step I'd take backward to avoid conflict, I see her stepping up to fill the gap. It doesn't occur frequently, by when it does...

I know the response I will get for this next comment, along with the 2x4's...

Keeping in mind there is no A.

I often feel a period of separation might help us appreciate each other again, or prove we are better off apart.

Ok who are you and how did you jump into my life? I really don't appreciate the fact that you are posting exactly what I feel even the father part. Do you have a webcam on my marriage and my life.

Stand Tall is the answer to all of your questions. People only have the power over you that you let them have.

Take away the power. If she says she want a D or she wishes you were dead it is not because you are a bad person or worthless. My FWW has said it to me in the past. I accept the fact that sometimes I am a horrible reminder to her about the things she did. If I were dead or gone guess what the reminder wouldn't be there. Kinda like a scar. You may forget you have a scar on your leg because you wear pants alot but wear some shorts and you will notice it. Sometimes we are that scar.

I do not believe the BS is the only one haunted by the past. Maybe she heard a song that made her think about it and it made her feel bad about herself. Just like certain songs make us feel that way.

Just to let you know I wasn't kidding when I said you are telling my story. Everyword of what you said I could say too. Kids, dad everything.

My D Day was 2 and a half years ago and we have barely started recovery. She decided a few nights ago to be radically honest so now I am finding out details I never knew.

Focus on yourself. If and when she lashes out just walk away and say I know that you will regret saying that later but I don't want to hear it now. Good luck

YOH,

And your steeling my lines here. One I repeat often when posting to the new folks about recovery...

"Recovery is just like a physical wound. It will heal with time, but you will always be left with the scar"

Congrats on getting your W to open up. I have no desire to have any further A info. I just wish I could get her to open up about "US", today and tomorrow. I've done enough of that yesterday stuff.

Your all correct, and I knew the answer. It's just been such a long time since my rollercoaster has been this close to the ground.

Thanks Again, I really does help

-JTK

I also suggest change you language...

change your words....

you know what you haven't been trying isn't working...not your fault...so try something new...

what would she say to things like...

wife...life is precious...and i watch you hold on to actions that define you....
angry words
hateful things...

and I find myself no longer hurt by your words...
but hurt by the damage they bring to you...

you hurt inside...and you hold on to it..
and lash out with it...

justkeeping...also know that when a spouse changes for a good...
or a parent changes for the good
or a teenager sees the path towards change...
or the substance abuser quits using....

that is a very very scary time for them...they have to let go of the known...which in all it's horror is comforting and known...

she knows when she lashes out hard enough it pushes you away...even when her actions horrify her deep down...

it's safer than being vulnerable...

also realize that often the changes we illicit at first cause an escalation of really bad behaviors from the other..

I will push and test you very very far...just to prove you haven't changed....

and when I prove YOU haven't changed...well glory be says your wife...I surely don't have to change...because it is still all your fault....

detach from the bad and reach for the good deep deep inside of her....

confuse her
nurture her...

change your language...

what do ya think...cause I can be way way off...
cause it always sounds so easy to type it out...and doing it is a whole other ballgame...

ARK

ARK, I think this is a great appoach. I will have to put some thought into this one. Thanks Again

-JKT

Just an update for you.

My FWW has been the same way.

So on tuesday she decided to give me details that she would never discuss before.

On Wednesday she was sick so we didn't talk.

On Thursday I called on my way home and said. I want to tell you how much your honesty means to me. I know with honesty we can grow together this is a great first step.

She said oh so you have more questions. I said yes I will have more questions we discussed this. She became a bit hostile toward me. "I can't believe you are dwelling on this still it happened over two years ago."

My first reaction was to get mad. I stopped and corrected her. I am not dwelling on the A, I am not dwelling on what you have told me. If you want to say I am dwelling on something that is fine. I am "dwelling on knowing the truth" nothing more nothing less. I do not bring up or throw in your face your A or any of the details you have told me.

When I got home I walked over to her and put my arms around her. I told her how much I loved her and how much she means to me. I told her I cannot imagine a day of my life without her. I told her I Know we can get through this. I need this from you so we can put it in the past.

I refused to let her escalate the situation into a fight. That is not healthy for me or her

I continue to tell her that we will never be the same again. I want us to be better, stronger and in love more then we ever were in the past.

Justkeeptrying to make it better and stronger. Then maybe we can all be in love more then we ever were in the past.

YOH, I hope to get back to that vision of having a great M that you now have. I envy you.

Hopefully your FWW will have the same goal.



better, stronger, faster, nananananaaa "6 Million Dollar Man"

Sorry, had to do it!

I don't have a great M actually. It is on the verge of ending if things don't change.

I have the power of how I act and thats all.

I have hope for the future. Hope is not a strategy though.

I feel everything you are saying in your posts.

I want my marriage to work so I am trying to do the work.

Today is a bad day for me but I am still committed and maybe I need to be committed.

I was commenting on your "vision" of a great M. Something I have lost site of. I "was" truly a motivating factor for recovery, and something I hope/need to regain.

LOL thanks.

I know. Vision was a little blurred at the time of the response.

As long as we know it can get better it probably will. When we think it can't it won't.

Thats why I come here to give me hope that it can.