[color:"purple"]BFs close friend is getting married. ExW and ExGF are in wedding party. No one but exGF and he are living in the area - everyone else is flying in. No one except ExGF was worrying about showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties.

ExW suggested that BF have the party before his regularly scheduled Memorial Day party - start the day a little early. Rather than do that and not knowing how to segregate the two, I just suggested that we change the MD party into a wedding couple party.

ExGF was complaining of no cash. I told BF that he and I would just throw the party.

Now ExGF wants to meet up with BF and I to discuss party plans. I have no time and don't want to give up time with BF for this so I offer to email ExGF. BF didn't want to hurt her feelings and when he offered to host the party he said that he was sure that her input would be necessary for the planning.[/color]




[color:"purple"]Is it just me or is she taking credit for the party and we are just supposed to throw cash at her????

V.[/color]

Sounds to me like she is appreciative of you and BF paying for the event, and is trying to do her share by helping with the planning and preparations.

At least that is how I read it.

If you feel that you are "throwing cash at her", why did you suggest to throw the party?

AGG

[color:"purple"]OK I consulted with other folks I work with and they were shocked at her email - the first one and the following one. [/color]



[color:"purple"]She started off saying "we the bridesmaids" now it is just her. She is manipulating the situation to make it seem as if she has authority. [/color]



[color:"purple"]My friends took this as the woman trying to tell me what to put on the menu and be able to give me a list of things to make - they were highly offended. [/color]



[color:"purple"]She suggests that I can pay for a stripper? Now I have to set up games in addition to the food - really it's not my responsibility as a non-wedding party person to do any of this. [/color]



[color:"purple"]I'm going to email her back with the suggestion that anything they want to bring over to decorate with would be fine. I can't afford to provide $200 worth of food for someone who is only an acquaintence of mine and then to spend more money decorating????

Everyone that saw these series of emails was outraged at the way this woman tried to manipulate me into buying all the stuff for a party that I wouldn't even get credit for.

V.[/color]

I disagree with your friends. You offered to throw the party, as I understand, not just to "provide a place for the party".

I think the exGF has taken your offer to heart, has shown appreciation, and is trying to be helpful. I don't think she is manipulative or is trying to take credit. She is simply planning, as a good bridesmaid should. You are the one who apparently offered to pay for the party, at least that is how she perceived it. If that perception is incorrect, you should make it clear to her that you are only willing to provide a place, but that she should arrange for, and pay for, the food, clowns, strippers, etc etc.

Why do you feel that you wouldn't get any credit for the party? Why did you offer to throw the party? Did you make it clear to the bridesmaid that you only want to host the party, but not deal with or pay for the supplies and entertainment?

I see this primarily as a misunderstanding about who is paying, not an issue of manipulation.

AGG

[color:"purple"]Maybe this is a Mars/Venus thing because BF certainly doesn't "get" it.

They wanted to tack on their bachelorette party to the Memorial Day party already planned. The exGF complained that she couldn't afford this and I kept thinking - what are they going to show up and not have food or have it catered. Plus they then wanted to start the thing at 3pm. Then I was wondering what to do - put food out at 3? Put food out again at 6? They would put food out?

It was crazy. Plus if you start a party at 3pm you have folks (including yourself) that poop out by 8 or 9 while the new crowd arrives around 8 or 9 and stay until morning. Too long for me to not get tired.

So I told boyfriend to just announce since they can't afford it etc., why don't we be generous and just throw the party ourselves.

ExGF started off by saying that we were "sponsors". Look it up. A sponsor is someone who pays for something and doesn't have anything to do with the planning or performing of a task. That is why I said to BF that it seemed like we were just supposed to throw money at her (exGF).

We didn't offer to pay for the party - although maybe BF gave her that impression by approaching her in a "I know you're having financial strain paying for all this - maybe we could host the party and you could help plan it" kind of way.

I didn't feel I would get any credit for the party because everyone would assume that the bridesmaids paid for it because it would be so prominently centered around them rather than the bride and groom according to the exGFs plan. I was picturing people leaving and thanking them for all their hard work...

V.[/color]

All other stuff notwitshanding, this is the key point:


If that is the case, I don't understand this:


How does that follow from the original suggestion?

AGG

[color:"purple"]Sorry. What I meant was that I was not offering to pay for a stripper, a big cake, a lot of decorations, party favors, etc.

I did offer to throw a party. I didn't offer to make the party that she was suggesting we make. She wants strippers, cakes, decorations, party favors, etc. I say let her pay for all that. I'm going to be sinking $200 at least into food and BF will be spending that kind of money on beer etc. Parties are not cheap.

Of course I could throw out a couple of bags of chips and afford decorations and favors...

My friends are horrified that I would spend that kind of money when the woman isn't even a close friend. She is BFs close friend.

V. [/color]

[color:"purple"]Also AGG there is a difference between throwing a party and sponsoring or paying for a party.

Throwing a party means you are the host and you put time and effort into the preparations.

Sponsoring a party means you threw cash at someone and they used your cash to throw a party.

The thing that got me started was exGF saying that BF and I were "sponsors". She even put the word in quotes showing some deliberation over her choice.

Then she started offering to send me a list of food and recipes. That seems to me like she is designing the menus and I am supposed to do the shopping and prepare.

V. [/color]

Peace. Say no more. But, did you tell her that you did not want to pay more than X amount of dollars, or are you letting her go on misguidedly with her mistaken assumptions, while you stew over this to all your friends behind her back? That wouldn't be fair, would it?

AGG

[color:"purple"]In the nicest way possible I reminded her that the couple did not want strippers. I suggested that whatever decorations she and the gals wanted to pick up was fine by me.

I'm venting here - not stewing. Meanwhile I've been calmly writing nice emails to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

See - she suggested I pay for something and I just suggested right back at her that if she wanted that then she should get it - with my blessing.

All the gals here agreed that she was pushing to test the waters - if I would pay I'm sure she'd be happy to give me a list of stuff to get.

I guess I didn't give enough thought to what exactly I wanted her to help with.

V. [/color]

Oh, V, you know that is unfair <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. You are being dishonest with her here - the issue is not whether the couple wants strippers (it's best for the bridesmaid to decide this anyway), but that you didn't want to pay for it. Which is fine - but why not tell her the truth?


And continuing to beat around the bush? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Maybe there is more to the story, I dunno. But based on what you are posting, this seems to be a tit for tat exercise.


Fair enough. Why not give it some thought and give her a list of what you will provide and what you want her to get?

AGG

Communication. You and BF could have told her what you were and were not willing to provide. Seems easy enough to me.
Is this the wedding where the XW wanted to stay at BF's house for 2 weeks? If so, could there be some residual feelings from that dilemma in this current sitch? Yet another female who may feel BF's house is theirs?

Bridesmaids are likely thrilled that you and BF are willing to host this party, but make your part known to them. We will provide place, drinks, food etc. but anything else is on you. Did you let them know you are doing this in lieu of your annual MD party (and if they've been to that - they will know what to expect). Or not to expect.

It sounds like a misunderstanding to me.

My understanding of your expectation is that you are allowing them to supply their own party favors and entertainment in addition to what you had already planned on supplying for the MD party.

Her expectation seems to be that you are throwing a wedding party instead of the MD party, and she wants to be involved in the planning (or plan it all).

I think you should tell her what your expectations are as soon as possible to clear up the misunderstanding. She did ask if it was ok with the two of you if she is involved in the planning - if it isn't, just say so.

Adding on AFS's post:
And she did want to get to get together to discuss this, which may have cleared up all misconceptions.
Start fresh so everyone can enjoy the party.

[color:"purple"]Umm AGG - it is going to be both the bride and the groom's party. Strippers are $200-300 and you would have to get two. So, no I didn't want to pay for that, and I shouldn't be expected to.

She said if I wanted a stripper she would send me a contact. I didn't want a stripper. Also the couple didn't want strippers. And I think the couple's desires are also important here. It IS their party after all.

It is not a traditional b/b party - more like a BBQ that celebrates the couple before the wedding.

And I don't think I'm beating around anything. I very nicely told her in a non-offensive way what I would or would not do.

V.

PS sent her some links for garlands and leis. I asked her what she liked.

Honestly AGG - what would you do if someone suggested you serve sirloin to 50 folks? I mean you can say Hey I can't afford that! But wouldn't you also be taken aback that someone would suggest an expensive menu to you when they weren't paying???

V. [/color]

[color:"purple"]I think all BF told her was that she could help plan it. [/color]



[color:"purple"]Yes. Latest is that XW is NOT staying at the house except for this party night. I dunno. BF attributes it to the house, but really it is his lack of boundaries when it comes to letting people take advantage of him. He is so afraid to hurt anyone's feelings that he bends over backwards to be nice.[/color]



[color:"purple"]See - BF throws out a bag of chips and taps a keg. That is his party. That is what the bridesmaids should expect from the past. And they were told that this was in place of that party.

I dunno newly. It is for the guys and the gals so some of that raunchy stuff needs to go away in mixed company...

V.[/color]

It's not what but how she is saying it that is annoying. Sounds like she's afraid that she will look pitiful up against you. Doesn't want all the old friends to see that BF traded up after their breakup. It helps to try and intimidate you a little by giving you instructions. Don't you want to just slap her? Well, you can't!

You don't have to let her walk all over you. Set limits (cost, type of entertainment, timing). However, you are going to have to suck it up on this one and be nice. It will only get worse if she sees it getting to you. What difference does it make if she takes credit anyway? You said that most live out of town. Your goal s/b to win points with BF. That said, feel free to vent because you're going to need it.

Just be honest. Know what you're willing to do & know what you're willing to spend & tell the exgf. Don't be coy, don't beat around the bush, be very specific. You & bf both present the same information in a united front then there won't be any questions about what's what.

Venting is fine, and so is having limits on what you will and won't do. Peace.

But I do not see anything manipulative or selfish in her e-mails. I find them to be upbeat and helpful. Perhaps there are some hidden agendas, but you are only making this worse by not wanting to get together with her and discussing all this.

I never said you should pay for strippers or serve steaks for 50 people - I simply said that you should communicate your thoughts with the exGF.

AGG

AGG,

are you always this slow and pedantic?

wiftty