First off, I'd like to say thanks for the opportunity to share my feelings with others out there whose life experience and knowledge I can learn from. I'm new to Marriage Builders (a coworker told me about it) so I apologize for my ignorance about the culture...now my story.

This is a very long story of resentment and hostility that originates before my wife and I were married.

Essentially, she and I had a very physical relationship that resulted in pregnancy. We considered adoption, but we decided to go ahead and have the baby. However, our parents, especially her's, insisted on marriage. So we accommodated them despite our better judgement. We didn't really know if what we felt was driven by the love we felt for our unborn child, for ourselves, or worse, by moral conditioning.

We lived with her conservative parents for the first year, which was extremely difficult for me as a 19 year old boy, brought up as an only child by liberal parents. By the time we got our own apartment, I was very resentful and hostile towards the whole idea of marriage. Yet, I loved my son and was driven to "do the right thing" and remain married.

One of the things I was most resentful about was my wife's previous sexual partners. By the age of 19, she had already been with 10 other guys, while she was my first. Her promiscuity was driven by abuse she experienced as a child, but this was not something my emotionally immature phsyche could appreciate. I was angry at missed opportunities to be with other women, and she regretted that she had been so casual with her sexuality.

I became increasingly distant and withdrawn. I was never physically unfaithful, but I had a very close female freind with whom I worked and spent a lot of time alone. Until very recently, when she confessed her own infidelity to me, she was convinced I had cheated with this other woman. She became very depressed at this time, and for two years her incompetent psychiatrist had her on effexor.

In 2000, I finished college and she went back. I had a couple of decent jobs in the technology sector, and we bought a house (also against my better judgement). However, I experienced a couple of rounds of unemployment, which led to considerable debt issues.

I made a huge mistake here and did not tell my wife about the worst of it. Since the beginning of our marriage she and I disagreed about finances, mostly because I was very careless about spending. Anyway, when she found out she was devistated, but she did not want a divorce on the grounds that she had supported me (not financially) while I finished school and I owed her the same.

The financial situation did not improve, and about that time (late 2003) she hit some kind of sexual, hormonal plateau. She wanted sex all the time, and became extremely interested in BDSM. This in itself did not bother me. I don't consider myself to be vanilla by any means, but I found it hard to play the role of "master" in a fantasy world, when I couldn't even pay the bills.

While I sank into depression, she began forming online relationships with other men. This culminated in a 6 week affair with a married man who is most likely a sex addict. At the end of this affair (which she did not disclose for another year) she became pregnant. Again I suspected nothing, but she was enraged at me because the state of relationship was such that we couldn't have a second child.

She planned on having an abortion, but ultimately she miscarried. Our relationship didn't improve and neither did our finiancial situation. She excelled at school, but became increasingly withdrawn from our home life. During her final year of college, we hardly ever saw her. Any time she didn't spend studying, she spent partying with friends.

In the spring of 2005, we hit a breaking point. Our finances were still in ruins, and I was still hiding this fact from her. When I told her, she was again devestated and we agreed that a temporary separation was necessary. We spent about 3 weeks apart. We looked into counciling, but that didn't pan out -- we didn't really have the money for it anyway. We tried dating, but with little success -- again money was an issue.

In a moment of anger, she told my about her affair. She said she did it to make me hate her, because I didn't satisfy her needs, because of being molested as a child, because it helped her stop loving me and hurting so much. In moments of sobriety she swears that her playmate did not cause her pregnancy, but once when she was really intoxicated she told me his condom broke. I don't know what to believe. She's really good at letting herself off the hook.

Another year later we are still limping along. I'm obsessed with her affair. I know where the guy lives, where his parents live, where he works...I know way more than I need to, and I keep torturing myself with the intimate details that I insisted she tell me. I've been as close as 6 inches away from the guy, and he had no idea who I was. I'm not a violent person, so no worries there, but I do feel an extreme need to humiliate the man.

At least our financial situation has improved. I have a very good job right now, but a mountain of debt to deal with. My wife graduated from college, but she's not doing much with her degree. She feels very depressed and feels a lot of hostility towards me. Basically, she blames me for all our problems.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for ADD, depression, Tpye 2 bipolar disoder, but aside from the ADD I think my situation is the root cause of my erratic behavior.

Worst of all is the effect this is having on our son. The constant fighting is taking its toll. Because of our inability to control ourselves, he now knows about my wife's affair. One of the major challenges of having a child so young is that it's easy for him or her to feel more like a friend or sibling than a child.

At this point, I really don't know what to do. I'm a cynical person, and I don't even know if I believe in love. Did I ever love my wife or was I confused by sex? Maybe all we really shared was love for our son. What should I do? Will they be better off if I leave? Will I be better off? How do I know it's worth saving?

My wife expects me to jump through a bunch of hoops to win her trust and affection back. She expects me to have perfect behavior. I know I make mistakes, too often the same ones over and over again. WHAT DO I DO?

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have reason to be here. You two have created a bit of a mess in your M, but it is not too late to fix it. Familiarize yourself with the basic concepts by Harley at the top of the forum. Click on the link in my signature line for some great steps to begin. I think right now for YOU personally the Policy of Radical Honesty needs to be implemented. Hiding your financial problems from you W is definitely a problem spot. That being said, her choosing to have an A is not your doing. Yes, you added to the problems of the M but you did not force her to have an A. Keep posting and reading.

I would also recommend you get the book by Harley "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs"

Thanks for your response Faithful.

It felt good just getting all of that off my chest. I know I put adulthood off for a loooong time, and no one can take responsibility for that but me. As for the A, it comes down to me letting myself heal. I know she doesn't talk or see the OM any longer. She never loved him, she just loved the attention he gave her. Again, although she made the decision, I have to take responsibility for not meeting her EN.

As for the finances, I've hired a lawyer to help me deal with creditors and my W and I are planning to sit down this weekend while our DS (see I'm catching on) is camping and come up with a plan for coming up with a plan, if that makes any sense.

I will definitely keep reading and posting, and I'll also check out those books you recommended. As for the message thread you recommended, you'll be pleased to know that I read through it prior to posting, and once again on your recommendation. It is a very useful guide for managing feelings related infidelity.

Thanks again,
qm

Awesome, you are on the right track!

You're spending a lot of wasted energy worrying about the money. Yes, it needs to be solved, but fretting over it will get you nowhere.

To get it off your back, try writing out your debtors and getting on a plan and budget to repay these things. Do you still own the house? Have you looked into refinancing?

It's only money. That's what my father used to say. "It's not going with you when you leave this life", but your family and memories will.

Get over your past and please have your wife see a good counselor/therapist for her childhood abuse.

The OM's wife should be told of his affair. Doesn't matter if you want to humiliate him or not. Enjoy telling her if you want, but it's still the right thing to do regardless.

So many times I hear people say this or that happened because they didn't get enough time in their teens to be 'free' or 'experience the single life'. This infuriates me. The majority of people in the rest of the world are working and trying to survive by the time they are 15. They don't get to party. They don't get to date person after person while sipping on lattes and wondering what color to highlight their bangs.

You were both lucky. You grew up in an environment where you could even be a 'teen'. Now you both need to be a mother and father and take care of each other and your child.

Sundog,

I agree I was acting like a big baby in regards to my so-called lost freedom. And in regards to money and things, you're right -- you can't take it with you. Take pride in yourself, your family, your accomplishments, etc, but don't take pride in your things. Take care of them, but don't take pride.

As for the OM's W...I have no interest in telling her. The A happened over two years ago, and while yes, the OM is a chronic cheater, this is marriage number 3 for him, and guess how they met? Through the "scene" as it's called. For all I know, she's not faithful to him either. Doesn't really matter to me. All I care about is my W and our relationship.

The best thing for me here is to let it go. Even as I say that, I find myself driving by the OM's house, which is not conveniently located to my office or my house.

Do you want to hear something amusing? Yesterday, even after I told myself I was finally ready to let go of my animosity towards OM, I found myself driving by his house. There, standing on the front porch is his wife, and she's pregnant! How bizarre is that? Keep in mind this is the first time I'd ever seen her (and my W is way more attractive).

I got an odd sense of closure from that. Life goes on for everyone. We're all human; we all have our own demons to wrestle with. It comes down to accepting in your heart of hearts that the only person we you have control over is yourself. If you don't set the healthy expectations for yourself, how can you expect the same from those around you?

My only hope is that the OM's child is a girl so maybe he can learn a little respect for women.

qm