Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

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I know this post is old, but hopefully Tatertot is still around and will read the only reply to her thus far.

YES, I don't think it's ever too late to ask for more!

The reason I say this is that I wish my wife would have communicated to me the doubts she harbored about my past infidelity. I had a PA before we were married, and after we were married, I hit on other women including some close friends of hers. This was all purely sexual, I was just a monster of a husband looking to get off.

I then came to my senses when I couldn't bear the shame after one of her friends rejected my advances (good for her!) I returned back to Christ for His forgiveness and cleansing, then confessed everything to my wife, fully expecting her to divorce me, ready to accept the consequences. We had our first son then who was only 2 1/2, and I think now the main reason she stayed w/ me was b/c of our child.

This all happened 9 years ago, and I'm now here on MB b/c I recently discovered my wife had a long term A w/ some jacka** she met over the net. Her initial response when I confronted her was that "you cheated on me, so I wanted to do it too". She then said how she was still very hurt from my past A and behavior, but that she still to this day doesn't believe I did not have an A/PA after we were married. She said she will never believe that I truly confessed everything to her.

All this of course was news to me, as I had been under the false impression that we recovered from my infidelity. Now, I wish I wouldn't have been so naive and would have taken more seriously the signs of my wife's unhappiness.

I really wish she would have just TALKED to me about what I confessed to her, and let me know that she still had all these doubts. I was always more than willing to share every detail that she would have wanted, I became as transparent and open as possible.

Now, I'm learning that one of the reasons for her A is the resentment she harbored against me over all these years, withdrawing from the marriage, and never willing to work through my past infidelity. So Tatertot, don't let your doubts go unanswered! They will lead you to further doubts and resentment! I love Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty, and you should be honest with your H that you still do not believe him, and ask him to help you deal with it.

I'll save my story for some other post when I'm ready to spill my guts here.

Punk

come on over to the "big pool" on GQII and spill your guts!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> pep

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upsie

A bump for other readers.

JL

Pepperband,

The letter was utterly fantastic. That is so where I find myself. 9 months on from D-day, and my husband is full of remorse, but one of the things we argue most about is his inability to share the details with me. He thinks I'm wanting them to either (a) use them to attack him or (b) because I love being miserable. I don't think I even really knew myself exactly why I wanted the details until I read this.

So, I took this letter and made some mods and have just sent it to him at work. I hope you don't mind me using it, but sometimes it's really hard to find the words when you're so damned angry and upset. Your words pretty much summed it up for me.

Thanks again.

P.S. I've been lurking on this board for a bit, but this is my first post. We celebrate our 8th anniversary next week - have 2 boys - one 4, the other only 6 months old. The affair occurred while I was pregnant with our baby.

That is one awesome letter. I am actually debating on a little cut and paste, it is exactly how I feel and how I see our situation.

bump

When u can't get the other pieces of the puzzle which my H is so not willing to share, maybe the Serenity Prayer could apply?

God, grant me the courage to change the things i can...
the serenity to accept the things i cannot change...
and the wisdom to know the difference...

Often than not..we just have to leave it up all to God to keep our sanity intact...

Up for sanity's sake

hi Pep

helping you bump the thread

it may help save someone's sanity today

regards
denise

bump

Bump For LynnLee

I just sent this to my husband, hoping he can grasp my need for knowing every last detail - details he claims never even took place. Thanks for posting that.

And another Bump for another Pepperband Grand Slam!

Wow. I could read this over about five more times. Every time I have asked for details, I get the "I don't remember, it doesn't matter, it didn't mean anything anyway" response. You have so eloquently expressed "WHY" I need the details... how painful and frustrating it is, and why the answer of "it didn't mean anything" just isn't cutting it. I have pictures in my mind of the details I've been given, and everything I know of their time together makes it seem like a fairytale. He tells me it was meaningless, but has given me so little of how he saw it all, that I am completely and utterly messed up with the pieces of the puzzle I have been given. I dream EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that he is still lying to me. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I toss and turn feeling that there are things that I don't know, and things that are lies.

I don't know how my WH would respond to a copy of your post, but I'm thinking I'm giving it to him anyway.

THANK YOU!!