Hi,

I'm fairly new, posted a message yesterday and got some great advice on it, thanks!

That thread got a question going in my head ... what is the general consensus about warning other wives about a predatory OW?

My H had an affair with someone who he indirectly works with. She and another woman in the same position regularly have affairs with the other married men that work with my H, or in similar positions as my H.

I am feeling particularly vindictive and hateful towards both of these women right now, (obviously more specifically the OW) and my instincts are to 1) warn all of the other wives and let them know that this has been going on for a very long time and 2) notify these women's supervisors and the men's supervisor's that this has been going on. I don't know that it would cost them their jobs, but it sure would not help either of them. It could also be very detrimental th H's career, though.

I also have horrible thoughts about getting the other BW's together and running these women out of town, but that's just the super hateful part of me.

In general, though, does "exposure" include warning other women, who are not involved, about the potential for problems? Or is this one of those evil thoughts that I need to get over? I'm not sure that I would have ever believed that this could have been a problem with my H, so I don't know that any of the other wives would believe it, either.

Thanks for any input.

Nope,

Even if your intentions were as pure as the driven snow..it still looks catty. Sorry. Either people know what traits and behaviors to watch for or they don't [and occasionally they learn the hard way] they will not accept your word for it.

The reason these women get away with it is because everyone protects their dirty little secret. This leaves them free to carry on another day. You know the old saying, evil thrives when good men stand silent...

You will have to decide the best course of action for you, but were it me, I would sure strongly consider it. It would cause embarrassment for your H, but that is the consequence of having an affair and a risk that he TOOK when he got into the affair. More importantly, it might stop these women and if you know they have had other affairs, might rally other wives to support you. You are probably not the lone ranger.

Ami, here is something else you need to realize. These married men are not innocent victims of Cruella DeVille. They full well know right from wrong and fully participated in the affair. They are equally culpable.

Exposure at work would make it harder for him to stay there and much harder for him to carry on his affair until he does leave.

If this happened at my company, BOTH employees would be FIRED and escorted off the premises by a security guard.

I wouldn't send out a "general" warning to all wives....but anyone who I was certain had been directly affected....I would feel an ethical obligation to inform. I don't believe it's cattiness to give someone real information that has the potential to harm them. They have a right to protect themselves against STDs or a faithless spouse. And if contact resumed between my H and this OW....I'd definitely expose on the company level.

That's kind of what I was thinking, but then I thought I was just being vindictive and hateful.


This is a good point, and one that I thought about a lot, too. In my mind, when it comes right down to it, OW did not break any marriage vows ... she is single, she can do what she wants. So I think my H, and the other married men, are much more culpable and responsible. I do, though, think these women are sleazy little tramps and it's sick that they are so willing to pursue married men and break up marraiges and families.

I know my motives are purely hateful and spiteful. I have awful visions of hanging a banner on her house or keying it into the side of her car or taking an ad out in the newspaper. Guess that's why I'm hesitant to actually call any of the other wives -- I'm not sure if it's just for revenge or if it would really do any good.

Ami, why wouldn't your "motives" be to be stop an injustice when you see it? Isn't that your real motive? Why do you feel its WRONG to hate injustice? Aren't you SUPPOSED to hate injustice?

Honestly, it doesn't mean a damn if it is for "revenge" or not, if someone needs to know, they need to know. If you know of another wife whose H has been involved in an affair, you should tell her.

I do think that both your H and the OW are EQUALLY culpable for the affair. They are both guilty, both wrong. She hurt you just as much as he did. His crime is worse, IMO, as you have pointed out, because he made a vow to you and vowed to be faithful. You trusted him and he broke that trust.


And there is nothing wrong with having those "visions." It only becomes wrong when you act on them.

If you saw a bank robbery in progress across the street, you'd call 911 even if you didn't have any money in that bank, right? If I (that's just me, myself) knew the wives whose marriages have been damaged by these predators and I knew the supervisors in those offices, yes, I'd expose the cesspool these women were creating in a heartbeat. What kind of a workplace environment is being fostered there if it's allowed to go on? The Human Resources Director there would probably be thankful for the warning.

What is wrong with doing it for revenge? I think that is a good reason. Sounds to me like there are other good reasons too.

Of course, I am in a vindictive bad mood right now. If I could think of an easy, legal way to get even with OM in my case, I would do it just for the fun of it.

Just be sure whatever you say is true - otherwise you could wind up liable for defamation.

Coming into contact with women who have been affected is entirely a different can of worms. People who have experienced infidelity, probably have already gotten the memo..but hey solidarity [winks]

Exposing to people who are affected but do not know yet...well..I'd have to. I'd feel obligated..but I wouldn't expect them to believe me. My part is done if I just bite the bullet and expose. They can make their own choices from there.

Exposing to wives in general..that's where my "no" would come into play. It is asking them to take your word that another woman is a predator..when they have no experience with predators in general and her in particular. It looks like a smear campaign. I suppose that it would depend on how important it was to you to be taken seriously by them at that time. How emotionally invested you were in it. If your intent is vindictive..that suggests a great deal of emotional investment..not merely sharing information. You want a negative impact..you want revenge. I don't blame you but it probably won't work.

I want to work where ML does. Sexually inapopropriate behavior is common in the workplace, usually blind eyed by management. Not always..there are some gems out there. They are the exception, not the rule though in my experience. Again, it would depend on how much the result matters to you. If you expose and they don't care or brush you off or even mock you..will you just shrug and say..well I did my part....or will you be devestated to an even greater degree?

If you think your hatefullness is shocking 'cause you wanted to key her car or expose her in public...well you can come sit by me..your relative mildness is probably an improvement on the environment.

noodle, this has happened at the LAST TWO companies I have worked for and is quite common in my industry. In my work environment, affairs are rare. But when they are discovered, there is always swift, severe, highly visible action.

I have worked at two companies since 1989 and in both incidents, the employees were summarily dismissed. Both involved high level VP's. The first one was exposed at work by HIS WIFE, who called the office.

In the second, most recent incident, a lady in our finance department became suspicious and did her own investigation. She exposed to HR and the affairees were immediately fired.

Scarlett [color:"red"] A [/color] Anyone? Wow, when I read that in the 7th grade I never thought it would have any relevance to my life!

ML,

Is a persons personal integrity something that is of import to the company in the industry where you work?

Or have you made selections TO work in an environment that is hostile to As? [not a BAD plan I might add]

How does a person get where you are going?

Noodle, personal integrity is important, but I don't think it is any more important here than in other companies. I work in the consumer packaged goods industry [manufacturer], ie: soft drinks and previously cigarettes.

I did not purposely seek out companies that are hostile to adultery. Honestly, I just thought all companies were like this, because workplace fraternization is so damaging. It makes no sense to tolerate it. Even our competitors are like this.

However, I have several girlfriends in the medical industry and adultery is RAMPANT there.

That's funny, as I was reading, I to thought of the Scarlet letter. There is nothing really that you can do, except make your self feel better. These men at work are adults with a choice. They made the choice to be unfauthful. These woman are probably taking bets on who's marriage they can wreck next. The strong men who value their vows,wife and family will not be swayed by them.

At the last place I worked at, they didn't care who was sleeping with who. They did not like to get involved and it was a big company. There was one incedent where two supervisors had an A and the guy left his W for OW. Everyone new including management, but no one did a thing.

I've thought about this so many times since the OW in my situation IS a predator. How could I warn her next victim, whomever that may be?

I realized that I was still focusing on the pain that she caused me and my hope of warning her next victim was actually my desire for revenge/justice. I tried to exposer her motives using the legal system, but as the BS, they saw me as the person wanting revenge, and her the victim. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If her next victim may somehow contact me (our attorney contacted her previous victim for us) then I will do everything in my power to help them, whether it be emotionally support, or legal support.

I actually pray for the OW that she may repent of her "way of life" and seek a relationship with Jesus. With God, all things are possible, right?

If she doesn't get the message, it was her choice. I did what I could.