I am new here.

My story pretty simple.

Dated my X for four years, got married, was married for almost 16 years.

My X is an alcoholic, obsessive compulsive, and was abusive. He changed the day we got married, hard to explain. I stayed because I made a commitment to him and before God. I took my vows seriously. In turn, I filed for divorce because I had no choice. Chritian counselor finally told me there was "no hope" for our marriage.

What I am struggling with is this..........

I am four years out of my divorce and just beginning to date. My daughter is ten my son is fourteen.

My X remarried very quickly after our divorce. He was "dating" a woman who was still very married while going through the divorce process with me. The whole time he was with her, he kept telling me he would love me forever, never marry again, change, blah, blah. So he marries her thirty days after the divorce is final.

As much as I don't want it to hurt still, it does.

Even though they are having major problems, I still wish them no ill will for our kids. She had three children from three seperate men, but she doesn't have custody of any of them. They do visit the same weekends my children have to go. It's very hard on them, especially my daughter.

It's none of my business, their problems that is, but my problem is I just can't seem to gain enough confidence to move on. They tell the kids there is something wrong with their mom because she is not remarried, and maybe there is? I don't know really.

I do know that I will never settled for less than what I deserve, or my kids deserve. I really believe I am getting stronger, but why is it taking me so long to open the door on my feelings? Maybe I am still scared of being hurt. The mind games were so bad during my marriage.

Well, just wanted to say what was on my mind. I have been readin around here and wanted to comment on what my situation is..................

There are stats on how long it takes to recover from a marriage, and 16 years is a long marriage. You will recover on your own timeframe.

And given the above, you probably need to recover from your codependency too. Read any Melodie Beattie books lately?
It takes time and energy to divorce, and more time to grow emotionally. You will do it on your own time frame, not someone else's.
Many people mourned the loss of their marriage while they were in it, others after, so timing is different for everyone.

And I so know what you mean about changing the minute you got married. I see that as they stopped pretending to be who they weren't.

See a counselor if you need one, just move ahead at your own pace.

Thank you.

I have done the counseling, during the divorce and after for the kids and myself.

The thing is...........everyone tells me it's time to stop grieving, move on, even my kids want me to date. My son especially.

It's hard meeting people and even harder to open myself to any hurt.

Since the X harps to the kids about how dysfunctional their mom is because she can't even date, well, maybe there is something wrong with me. It sure was easy enough for him to "get over it", and heck I wanted the divorce.

Actually I do still mourn the loss of something I never had.

I still struggle with the hurt.

Now I struggle with why can't I move on?

I didn't want to be with him, don't want to be now, he was so evil to me. I also can't help but feel his actions in marrying so fast after the divorce was just to slap me in the face. He rarely sees his kids so it's easy for him trying to step parent with her's and his. The whole situation just makes me angry still. Even though I have let go with a lot of my issues, I just can't seem to let go of the this last milestone. Opening up my heart to someone else again, the posibility of hurt?????? I don't know, I am rambling now, lol. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well, looking at you X's situation, I guess dating/getting married after 30 day's was sure no answer. You take all the time in the world you need before dating. There is no set time or time limit.When your ready, you'll go. It's that simple.
You seem to have some pain, or regret over things in the past situation. That's natural. I'll tell you something I've told friends in a similar situation. Life is like driving a car. If you keep focused on the rear view mirror, looking behind you, You'll run head on into a tree.Just keep looking ahead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't spend a picosecond considering what your ex-husband says about you or your dating life.

It is a sad life he must live if he feels the need to put you down. Doesn't he have anything more fun to do?


Makes you wonder, doesn't it?