bout a month ago my wife cofessed she had been seeing some one. But as a friend only. My wife is a nurse and Dan was a patient of hers. I felt like I was kicked in the teeth. She insisted that he is only a friend. So being the great guy that I am, I agreed to accept the friendship and see what happens.

So I let it go. To tell you truth I really didn't have any choice.

I need to tell you about our marriage. We have been married for 24 years, 3 perfect kids. I was in the Air Force for 20 years and I spent alot of time away from home. For the last 15 years of our marriage, we haven't been happy. Kids, work, my wife's school took time away from us. I fully admit I should have pay more attention to her, but I didn't know or I did not care. Our sex life has been boring and predictable at best. Does this all sound familiar?

When she told me about Dan, she told he fills a part of her I could and will never reach. (Great ego booster) He's kind, generous, passionate, everything that I am not. She says I need to improve myself before she could consider getting close to me. I think about it and I was never like Dan. I try to discuss it with her and she gets mad. She doesn't have time for us. She doing this for her. She keeps telling me to wait after the school semester, then she will deal with it. So I got a week before she will attempt to deal with it.

Over the last 2 weeks, thier relationship has flourish. And ours get worse and worse. I have started reading her emails that she thought were private. Guess what, nothing is ever private on the computer. I don't get all the emails, but I get enough to know that this isn't a friendship anymore. This is a full fledged affair with sex and everything. I've tried to discuss it with her and she won't admit to the affair and she still doesn't know I can read her email. I feel like a peeping Tom. But this is the only way I can learn the truth.

This my wife's solution. She can have her cake and eat it too. She goes to work, meets Dan after work for a couple hours in the parking lot, and then comes home to me and expects me to ignore it and be a loving husband. Am I crazy? Should this bother me as much as it does?

Another thing about Dan you should know. He is an alcoholic. And runs to the bottle frequently. My wife has already found him passed out on the floor drunk. But she still runs to him every chance. Then she'll come home and talk about him like he's one of the family. And then gets pissed off when I get upset she's talking about him.

Enough! I can go on all day. Should I be mad? Should I agree with my wife and accept him as part of her life and ultimately part of mine?

All opinions are welcome. I need some sort guidance. If you need more info just ask.

Thanks in advance.

Larry...

Welcome, Larry. Sorry for what you're going through.

You will get good expert advice here, but while you're waiting, read up on Dr. Harley's infidelity articles, Plan A/Plan B, and here is the link to WAT's Guide For The Newly Betrayed Spouse.

That should keep you busy for a little while.

Let me encourage you to check with this thread. The original poster talks about how she confronted and it was awesome.


How I Confronted

Larry,


If you have any love for your WW at all you WILL be mad, hurt, and expect to run the complete spectrum of feelings on a second by second basis.

You know the answer to the acceptance question. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Now for the what to do?

First off get your game face on. It's going to be a long rough road. But if you want to save your M (marriage) stick around here. You will get play by play advise. From those expierencing the same trials at different stages, and those who have successfully completed the toughest course ever.

First off, and a big but commom mistake. DO NOT GIVE AWAY YOUR SOURCE OF INTEL. If you give away your methods, they will just find new methods. They will go more covert.


Remain calm, and think everything thru before taking action. Start by reading EVERYTHING you can here.

Plan A, Plan B, Exposure. Then the Books SAA, HNHN.

When you do confront (D-Day) We need to find away for you to PROVE your knowledge without giving way to your methods of gathering. Once you provide solid proof, your WW will have little chance to try to cover.

Someone posted there exposure here recently, it was brilliant, and I will look for the post.

Others with much more wisdom than myself will be along to assist you soon.

JKT

Thanks JCat,

We are certianly on the same page. You posted that while I was typing it. Save me from searching

Larry,

Sorry you are here Bro', but you are in the best place for what you are going through.

Your W is totally in the fog of addiction to the pheromes and endorphins saturating her brain with pleasure from the A. Like a crack head sucking on his pipe.

Do not believe anything she says. She will say and do anything to keep the high going.

Keep snooping. YOU ARE NOT A PEEPING TOM!! You are working to save your marriage. Don't confront her until you have solid proof that she cannot refute.

Plan A your butt off, being the best you you can be.

Is this drunken wimp married? If so expose the A to his wife. Expose to anyone that your W values...when you decide you have all the proof you need. Do not give up your source!

Doesn't the hospital have a rule about fraternizing with the patients?

Exposing is the best way to stop the A, which is priority one right now.

YES you should be mad!!

Maybe you should take some pictures or videos at the parking lot....or confront them there, banging on the roof and screaming like a crazy man!! Just don't go armed.

Or maybe not. It is such a sh!%%y deal!

k

Larry, you need an operational plan and you need to set it up quickly. An outline might go like this:

Step 1. Gather enough evidence to convince yourself your wife is committing adultery. (Done. The emails are all you need. You're not going to trial with rules of evidence; that doesn't apply.) If you want to surprise her in that parking lot some afternoon for dramatic effect, that's okay but don't expect it to make the adultery any clearer to your WW. There are threads out here recounting betrayed spouses who have caught their wayward spouse in bed with the other person and the wayward one stridently denied anything was going on. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER SURPRISING YOUR WW IN THAT PARKING LOT IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN IRON GRIP ON YOUR TEMPER!

If you need more information, consider reviewing cell phone records, IM history, place a digital recorder in her car and/or near home phones, etc. If you feel you need more and you can afford it, it sounds like a private investigator could gather a lot of irrefutable proof in a short period. Your WW isn't being very discrete.

Step 1b. Confront your WW with the knowledge you have she's engaged in sexual and emotional adultery with that man and ask her to stop. She will deny it out of hand. Generally, you don't tell her HOW you know. If you know of dates and times where they've met, confront her with that information. If you can imply you know that because she was seen, rather than reveal you read it in her emails, that's better. If you show her the emails, you've just educated her on one breach in her adultery's security. She'll learn and be able to hide it that much better.

Homework. Get Dr. Willard Harley's book Surviving An Affair and study it from cover to cover.

Step 2. Make a list of people and organizations who can influence your WW to end her adultery. This may include the hospital administrator, WW's parents, your family, your children (yes, Dr. Harley recommends the truth not be hidden from them), the various professional organizations your WW belongs to, your pastor or priest, friends, HIS family (wife, parents, etc.) and anyone else who can reasonably be expected to exert pressure on the adulterous affair. The hospital administrators may be enormously helpful in your situation. There are surely ethical guidelines prohibiting this obscenity.

Step 3. Take a deep breath and EXPOSE the obscenity of this adultery to everyone on the list. Don't tell your WW what you're going to do in advance; just do it.

Note: She will be absolutely furious. She will shriek imprecations at you, swear she was going to work on the marriage but now...oh, boy...now she wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last male on the face of the planet, etc., etc. It's all bluster, noise, and theatrics. It means nothing except that she’s pissed off you’ve wrecked her little fantasy world.

Step 4. Implement Plan A (from links here on the website and the book, SAA). Understand everything you can about Plan A. Know about the carrot and stick application of the Plan, read up on Love Busters, study how you don’t become a doormat while in the plan, and learn how you work on yourself in the plan. Determine how long you will work on Plan A. Typically, Dr. Harley recommends six months for a man to work on this Plan.

Step 5. If Plan A doesn’t bring your WW out of the fog, be ready to implement Plan B. Plan B, may require a legal separation or the equivalent in your state. By this point, if you have not already, you need to separate your finances from your WW’s. Protect your checking and savings accounts, get credit cards in your name only, make sure your assets cannot be looted by a wayward spouse still in the fog. Plan B may last as long as another eighteen months.

Note: There are no guarantees. Dr. Harley’s plan works if applied in that narrow window of opportunity you have to break up the affair and win your wife back but some wayward spouses never come out of the fog. If, by the end of the second year after exposure and confrontation, your WW hasn’t come home and agreed to work on the marriage, you may have to implement Plan D. Sometimes, regretfully, you have to cut your losses, protect yourself and your children, and file for divorce. All of us out here sincerely hope it won’t come to this, but it does happen. If it does though, you will have the comfort of knowing you did everything humanly possible to salvage your marriage. You will be able to hold your head high.

Okay, Larry. You CAN recoup your marriage. It has been done before. It takes work and sacrifice but it is possible. Are you strong enough to do it? Then get to work. The pros here on MB are here for no other reason than to help you through this. They’ve gone through what you are just starting and come out the other side whole and better than they were before. You’ll have their help as a support group and I advise you to take advantage of their expertise. Hang in there, pardner. The road’s going to get bumpy.

Larry, first off I'm sorry that you find yourself here. You will get excellent advice her that will improve your chances at recovering your M. It will take hard work, TIME and PATIENCE.

Yes you should be mad...that is normal. What you don't want to do is turn that anger into a Love Buster (i.e. Angry Outburst, Disrespectful Judgement or Selfish Demand). Do NOT accept the A or OM...NEVER! That is also called the "Stick" of Plan A where you do not accept the A and expose it to the light of day.

Listen to those who advice you here...they know of what they speak.

good luck

LH,

Very AWESOME post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bump ^^

Where are ya, Larry? Tell us what's happening.

(Thanks K; appreciate it.)

I could go into all the details of what happen the last day, but let's just say it wasn't pleasant. My wife came home last night stinking of the OM. Rather than exploding, I ignored it and went on like I didn't notice. I can't understand why she doesn't feel guilty. I know I would.

Anyway, I confronted her this morning. Surprisingly, I was able to get everything out that I wanted to say without crying like a baby. (She's told me that hates the way I have became a baby when I found out about the "friendship") I left her in the room to think about what her choices were, him or me. After about 20 minutes, she came out and asked me for a favor.

For the last year we have been planning a cruise with the entire family. This will probably be the last time for a family vacation. I have 2 kids in their 20s and its not cool to vacation with mom and dad. Her favor was to wait on decisions as far as our marriage is concerned till after the cruise. And I agreed. By the way, the cruise is the last week in May. The upside is that OM can not contact my wife while we're gone. This could be a chance to patch things up. Or at least decide if the marriage can be salvaged.

But as it stands she says she cannot leave either one of us. My reponse is I will end the marriage if OM is still in her life. That is the only thing I can live with for me. She is with him now "discussing" the future.

I did get one consession. OM is not allowed around the kids. No meetings. Nothing. Can you believe she took my youngest daughter(15 years old) to meet mom's new friend a week ago? OM was going to teach her to drive!

I'm still collecting evidence. It hurts me to do it, but I know it's necessary. The hardest part is I'm still living with this drunk in my life. I'll just have to deal with it for now. I know you all will just moan your disapproval of my decision, but it seems like the right thing for now.

Thank you for all support and understanding you have given me and will give me in the future. I know I'm not alone. But it sure feels like it at times.

Larry...

The thing is I still love her with all my heart and we still are very good friends. But she wanted a lover and wasn't willing to make me that lover.

Larry, were you interested in saving your marriage? If so, I would read Longhorn's very detailed post on just how to do that.

If you do, it would be helpful to expose this affair to any key people NOW. Especially your family members who will be on the cruise.

Also, I would suggest telling your kids about the affair so they are not unwittingly dragged into the affair. Affairees often drag their children into their affairs in an attempt to "normalize" it. It gives the affair a false air of respectibility. Telling the kids the truth will prevent her from using them in this way.

Exposure is RUINOUS to affairs and is simply the most lethal weapon you have in your arsenal. It forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others, which is a huge wake up call. It is like turning on the light in a crack house; its no fun to smoke crack when your whole family, friends, boss are all standing there watching!

Larry, why are you bargaining with your wife? The chips you're using are awfully damned important, sir…your marriage, your self-respect, and your children's future. Are you sure you want to risk all that in a game you won't win? Look, man. Your wife is in no position to bargain with you. Why in the h3ll are you doing that? You've busted her in her adulterous relationship and you think you won a concession from her that she can't contact the OM while you're on vacation? WHAT?

Larry, her never having any contact with him ever again is a right guaranteed you by your wedding vows. You didn't gain anything with this concession. You LOST...big-time. Apparently you tell her you won't allow OM in her life and then you turn right around accept the fact she is entitled to go straight to him and you think you've won? Darn it. You TELL her this OM won’t be around your family. If she won’t agree, you get a Protection Order or a Restraining Order. Your daughter has a God-given right to expect you will protect her from this predator, Larry. Do it.

Where do you live, Mister? I want you in my next no-limit poker game. I’ll take every dime you have and everything you ever will have. It looks to me like I’ll be able to bluff you into just handing over everything you hold dear without bothering to go through the formality of dealing a single hand. I’m telling you I’d love to have a conflict-avoider like you in my poker game. I’ll get rich at your expense and laugh at you while you walk penniless out the door.

Exactly what the h3ll value does that cruise have in store for you, Larry? You’re willing to perpetuate a lie for the sake of a few days with your grown children? Do you really think you will cherish the time you spend on that cruise, knowing every second of it your smiling wife is living a lie? Come on! Look, Larry, I’ve got grown children myself. Memories are there for the making any time. You can get more, and better, memories by taking a trip to wherever they live and you have all the rest of your life to do it.

All right. I sincerely hope you see you’ve made a bad tactical error, Larry. You say you’re retired military. I’m a retired E-9, Larry. I’m telling you from that vantage point, you can’t afford too many more concessions to your wife. You’re about to give up the farm and your children still at home deserve a heck of a lot better from you.

Look, the only thing worse than making an agreement like you did with your wife is going through with it. If you value your marriage and your family, you had better ignore whatever you think you promised her. You’ve got enough ammunition to start exposing right now.

As Melody said, exposure is your best weapon to break up this obscenity. But Larry, a weapon left unused is less than nothing. There’s a narrow window of opportunity left open to you, Larry. If you don’t take it, it will close forever and your family will be wrecked.

Larry, compile that list of people to expose to. Do NOT exclude your children. Dr. Harley has stated unequivocally children need to know what is going on. You’re not “using” them. I’m sure your wayward wife will think that because they are going to disapprove. That’s tough. She’s the one who is indulging herself with a cruel, selfish adulterous relationship.

Larry, do not shield your wife from the consequences of her adultery. Don’t do it! You might think you are saving her feelings of embarrassment. You can say you’re showing her some respect or something else of noble intent. It’s none of that. This woman has shown you, the marriage, and your children enormous disrespect. That is where she’s coming from right now. If you let her off light, you are doing yourself and your whole family an enormous disservice.

Tell us who you’re going to expose to Larry. You need to get that list ready and start processing it. Bust this obscene, sordid adultery into little pieces, Larry. Don’t delay and don’t make deals with the alien creature your wife has become. Larry, the folks here on MB are here for only one reason. They’ve gone through what you’re facing now and come out the other side. They're here to help you. Pardner, you need to use their expertise. We’re your support group and we’ll be here for you but YOU have to be proactive. YOU have to take action, sir. Tell us what you’re going to do, Larry. Then do it.

Ouch! That was a little rough. I knew this would be unpopular. And probably the wrong thing to do. I've made my bed and will sleep in it.

Unfortunately, I feel my marriage is over. She knows it and I know it. We will stay together until after the cruise and then the war starts. I don't have the stomach or the balls to start a conflict at this time. I don't understand the situation any more than you do.

In fact she's emailing a response the his last love email right now. Of course, I will get a copy of that later. This guy is entrenched in her heart and soul. And I know I cannot drag him out.

I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting. But I don't think I have strength or the desire for what it will take to fix my marriage.

Once Again, thanks for your advice. I do hear it. Loud and clear.

Larry...

Then why are you here, Larry? You're just going to give up?

"Made your bed and will sleep in it?" Mister, you're making that bed for your daughter too. Are you SURE that's what you want? If you want to protect her and regain your marriage, man it CAN be done. Others here on MB have done it with fewer advantages than you have at your disposal. Do you have the cajones to do it, Larry?

Hey Larry, I understand completely. Some folks do decide to move on and they are fully within their rights to do so.

Just know that despite the "love" they feel for each other, your marriage is probably very salvagable. This affair is absolutely NO DIFFERENT from any others we see here, and there are many recovered marriages from such affairs. Affairs do not last because they are based on deceit. They always crumble.

So, if you do decide to save your marriage, just know that there is a good chance it can be saved and we will be here to help you. Take care, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Larry, there are many reasons to be here. You have sought out help. That is good. I ask you.. are you prepared to live the rest of your life with the decision to leave your M? If the answer is "yes" do not let anyone here goad you into trying to hold on to something that you feel is not worth fighting for. Having the "cajones" to do it has NOTHING to do with it. Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away than to stay... not always just sometimes. If your M is worth salvaging in your eyes... then fight... hard... no holds barred. YOU set the rules. Know that you will be in for a MAJOR roller coaster ride. Accept that upfront. There is no escaping the battle that you will fight for several years at a minimum. But if this woman is your love and your family can be salvaged... fight.
If you feel that too much damage has been done to have a healthy M... that you no longer can feel the same way for your WW... then let go.... skip the cruise.. you do not owe her any favors at this point. Imagine the slap in the face when you get back from the cruise and she seeks out her "friend." Her involving your child in her filth is something I can relate to and it is beyond disgusting.
Larry, I speak from experience here.. I dealt with the lies and heart ache for almost 5 years. My ex did nothing to help our recovery and I finally found the cajones to walk away... and my son and I could not be happier as a result. The XWW is in a totally different place. She NOW realizes what she lost... but she was too late. We've moved on.
I wish you luck in this fight brother... no matter what route you decide to take. Remember, you did not deserve this and will recover. There was a time when i thought I couldn't possibly live without her... now I look back and wonder how did I live with her??!! I wish you every blessing on this broken road.

Larry, you need to make a decision and stick with it. Worse thing is to be undecided. Lots of good folks here to help you either way.
SW

Larry, what you are feeling is NORMAL for just about everyone who has been a Betrayed Spouse. My wife was involved with an alcoholic who was "the smartest man in the whole world," and SHE is a very intelligent, very smart former Critical Care Nurse. Affairs ARE that blinding to the Wayward Spouse.

Just ask yourself this question, in her "normal state of mind," would your caring, loving, wife think abusing alcohol was a DESIREABLE trait in someone, let alone one's SPOUSE? This is the FOG, Larry. There is no "rationality" to an Affair, just "rationalization" for what they already KNOW is wrong behavior.

You CAN recover your marriage from this mess, if you want to. Despite all the pain and anger that you are feeling right now, you CAN recover your marriage.

BUT....the CHOICE to remain married and attempt recovery OR to divorce and split up the family (at least as a husband/wife/children unit)....is YOURS.

By way of her affair your wife as already CHOSEN divorce, despite her rationalizations and want you "both." You and I, and most of the others here on MB, know that MARRIAGE is between ONE man and ONE woman, period.

So, if you choose the Divorce route, gather all the evidence of an affair that you can get, contact an attorney immediately regarding the laws in your State for divorce, plan a divorce for "cause," separate all funds immediately so she does not have access to them, and be prepared to inform everyone who will have a "need to know" why you are divorcing.

IF you choose to "stand and fight" for the woman you love IN SPITE OF the "alien" that currently has taken control of her mind, then this site, and many posters on this site, will stand ready to help you with support and advice. If this is the CHOICE that you wish to make, then it is time for you to realize that, as in the Military, not ALL orders given you to be carried out are explained in detail at the moment the order is given. It is assumed that the "leaders" have the broader perspective, know the options and what are the "best" options to accomplish the objective AT THIS TIME. Your response is NOT to question the orders, but to carry them out.

Now it's not quite so "draconian" here. You can ask the WHY questions, but ultimately NO "orders" can be given to you. YOU must choose to ACT. You will choose to ACT. The ONLY question will be what will be your OBJECTIVE.....Recovery of your marriage or Divorce.

Neither choice will be easy, but you don't have an "option" now. Your wife has chosen a path leading to destruction, and you know it. The family WILL be destroyed. Her life, with and alcoholic will be in continual danger. NOW you are "forced" to have to make a decision.

So in "choosing," let me ask you a fundamental question, Larry. "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." Do YOU, Larry, in spite of all the pain, do YOU, still believe in your wedding VOW to the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with?

If you do, "surrender(divorce) is not an option." You have not "fired one shot" and you are ready to "Punch Out" and "Eject" from your marriage. Your plane may be shot up, some systems may be damaged, but she's still flying and you still have ordinance available and unused. The "Battle" is NOT over until YOU say it is. Fight or flight.

Is the OM worthy of your wife? Does the "terrorist" get to destroy your marriage and family without a fight? Doing nothing is not an option, you HAVE been attacked. Now the choice is yours...fight for all YOU believe in and hold dear....or whimper and moan about how "unfair" it is and surrender the Moral, Legal, and Ethical "high ground" without a fight. One more "casualty" on the alter of "no fault divorce" and the attempts by some in society to change the MEANING of Marriage.

Larry, consider making "I have not yet begun to fight!" YOUR stance in THIS battle over your wife. Do NOT let anything she says while trapped in this fog of rationalization of the affair "bother you." She will SAY all sorts of things she would never say in her "right mind." ASK any of the FORMER Wayward Wives here on the system.

(((((Larry)))))

It hurts beyond description. We know that. There IS hope if you choose to "stand and fight."

LAST THOUGHT: There should be NO Cruise under the current circumstances. "All is NOT normal" and you should NOT be "aiding and abetting" your wife's deception and sin. Make it clear to her that SHE is going to have to make a choice and YOU will respond accordly to HER CHOICE. End all contact with the OM immediately and agree to Joint Marital Counseling to try to save your marriage (because despite all that she has done you STILL love her), OR there is no point to the Cruise and YOU are not going...period. The money spent can rot, because the Cruise would be a rotten hoax of a "happily married family" if she has no intentions of ending the affair.

The CHOICE is yours. Make it, then go to war either way.

God bless.

I really don't expect anyone here to understand and maybe you all do and I'm just a dumb [censored].

I'm spiraling down into a depression that I don't know how to fix. This is not time for what I honestly know will come in the future. Right now the only thing I can get a grip on is this cruise. This will be a make or break for this marriage. I know it and my wife knows it. It sucks either way...so I will continue on my present course. Is it the right course? For me, I think it is.

Thank you for you concern. I will be ok.

Larry...