My story is one I’m sure you’ve heard before. I am the 36 years old FWW and my husband is the 35 year old BH. We’ve been married for just over 5 years and we’ve been together for 8 ½ years. This is my third marriage and his second. When we were both married to our exes, we had an affair with each other that ended those relationships and we moved in with each other within a year and have been together since.

Five years ago, 6 weeks after we married, my husband cheated on me. It was a PA with no EA involved (from what I was told) with a girl he worked with. Long story short…I kicked him out and filed for divorce, but we went to marriage counseling and got back together.

Shortly after we reconciled, I decided to make some major changes in my life, so I went to nursing school. He was a wonderful support during this time – he cooked, he cleaned, he took care of my children (his step kids). He basically did everything he always did and picked up my share of the household duties as well. We didn’t have much time together because I was still working mostly full time and in school and hospital rotations the rest of the time – and studying during any waking moments. Four years later, we found ourselves living almost completely separate lives – mostly because of me, I’m sure. I graduated about 17 months ago, but it has been very hard for me to bridge the gap again, even after school was out. I started working as a nurse and my first year was very tough, but manageable.

Early this year, I started a friendship with someone else that quickly turned into a very fast, very intense affair (EA/PA). This OM is my son’s best friend’s father and their family lives across the street from us. My husband discovered the relationship through cell phone records and I admitted (at that point) to a friendship. After more snooping, he was able to recover about 200 deleted emails between myself and the OM, which exposed the truth of the affair to him. I did finally admit the sexual affair and have told him the details he asked for (which I did NOT want to do!).

When this all first came out (March 16), I was hesitant to give up the other relationship. The OM and I were no longer “seeing” each other, but we were still talking (mostly damage control). I was still “in love” with OM. OM did not want his wife to know about the affair, presumably because he has 3 young children and did not want to lose them. I was not ready to commit to fixing my relationship at home. I was definitely in the “fog” (though, at the time I didn’t know it, it is very apparent now). I asked my husband not to leave and told him I did want to see if our marriage was salvageable. I made a commitment to him (and me) to work on our relationship. Several weeks later (April 4) my husband exposed the relationship to the OMW. She was devastated and kicked OM out immediately. I spoke to the OM twice after that, to find out what was happening across the street. He told me both times that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. The second time, I told him I was not ever going to call him again (that was April 6). I have had no contact with OM since.

Finally, several weeks of no contact and my head (the fog) is starting to clear and I can see the absurdity of the whole situation. My feelings for my husband are returning (much faster than I thought they would, actually) and I am trying to do everything I can to prove to my husband that I am committed to fix this relationship. He is having trouble accepting this. We have good days and bad days. We are sleeping together, we are doing things together, we are spending time together. But, even when we have good days I know (because he has told me) that all he can think about is me in bed with the guy across the street.

I try to tell him I understand how he feels because I felt the same way when he cheated on me. He tells me I’m only trying to spin the situation and use that against him – but I’m not, I truly do understand how he feels…but I don’t think he wants me to understand how he feels.

I’m at a total loss as to what to do next. My questions:
1. I feel like I am trying to Plan A my husband – is it unusual for it to work this way? (most of what I’ve read on MB has been the BS trying to Plan A the WS, not the other way around)
2. What do I do? We are in counseling together and I am in individual counseling as well. I have suggested my husband get IC also, but so far he hasn’t.
3. He said this morning he is ready to leave because he does not believe he will ever be able to get over this.

I have known my husband for over 15 years. He has been my best friend in life for most of that. We have been through ****** and back together and I truly can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I know our relationship will be forever changed (as it was after his affair), but I think if we both truly work on this then we can have a happy marriage again…and hopefully an affair-proof marriage.

Any thoughts? Any more info needed for advice?

Cathy

Your Husband having an affair 6 weeks after your wedding is incomprehensible to me. You both seem to have a lot of baggage to sort out from the way your relationship started. I would say he should be more understanding and try to have some hope in a future with you. Counseling is probably really needed.

Cathy - welcome to MB, though I'm sure there will be much anyone here can do for you. Neither your nor your husband seems to have a monogamous bone your body, and you can't have a successful marriage if you're not willing to be monogamous.

Both of you seem more than willing to drop everything the first time you get that zing of attention from an OP, and then hope to pick up the pieces *later.*

Maybe you honestly don't realize that *everyone* is attracted to other people. Maybe you think it's just you, and that other married people just don't feel that attraction when they meet someone else who's good-looking and fun to be with and gives you lots of good strokes and attention.

Guess what? *Every* married person is attracted to other people. Every one of us. BUT - and that's a big butt - people in successful marriages learn NOT to act on those feelings. They don't drop everything in a fog of hormonal attraction and let their feelings run the show. They *choose* to protect their marriages and *choose* not to put themselves in situations where feelings and hormones can run rampant.

I'd suggest looking at the very top of this website, going to "Basic Concepts", and reading up on things like The Rule of Protection. It's clear that neither you nor your husband has ever lifted a finger to protect a current relationship and just felt free to let your feelings run the show, no matter how destructive and selfish those feelings ended up being.

Sure, you can live like that if you're single and get away with it. But as you may have noticed, you sure can't have any kind of decent marriage by going through life letting your feelings control you instead of your intelligence.

Read the rules here, and let us know what you think.
Good luck.
Mulan

""Every one of us. BUT - and that's a big butt -"" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

AWESOME!!

Cathy as you have already experienced. You are going to receive some tough but truthful advise. You both have numerous strikes against you, and the biggest reality. It's almost easier to win the lottery, than make a M born out of adultery survive.

You will BOTH need to work to survive this. You BOTH know the feeling, and damage of having an A. You BOTH need to learn your lessons before you have any chance at a successful M.

I wish you BOTH success, for the sake of the kids if nothing else.

Time to get to work

-JKT

Krusht, I saw that, Butt it was too easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am not optimistic that your marriage can be salvaged.

It started dishonorably, and more dishonor has been heaped on to it.

Please start thinking about others before your self - primarily the children caught up in this involuntarily.

Mulan, I'm assuming your first line should have read: though I'm sure there will "not" be much anyone here can do for me?

Thanks...yeah, makes me feel real welcomed.

I actually started reading MB about 2 years ago when I felt like we were starting to drift apart. But it seemed so geared toward infidelity that it didn't seem like anything applied to us because we were not - at that time - in the middle of a crisis. (stupid of me, I know)

I'm sorry, I thought this board was for people who were honestly trying to repair their marriages. I didn't realize that it wasn't here for people who had cheated on each other or who had started their R the wrong way. Perhaps I read your post wrong...but I doubt it.


Anybody else that could possibly give me some actual advice? Do I keep doing what I'm doing in trying to convince my husband not to leave?

You must be together to work on your M. Yes he has to feel you want, and need him.

He need to be reassured you honestly feel you made a huge mistake, and have learned from it.

Start by putting others before your own selfish needs. Harley recommends that couples spend 15 hours per week together. Working, studying and going to school does not create much time for your marriage. Get the book His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley and I would recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janice Abrams as well. She does a good job of getting into the head of both the WS and the BS. Spend the 15 hours per week with your H. Put some personal boundaries into place in your life. Working in a hospital will just open you up to more opportunities for affairs since you meet and work closely with both genders. You will find most people here don't have a lot of hope for your M as you both decided to leave destruction in your path to be together. I would also suggest you get a good counselor for your children as this is far too much upheaval in their little lives.

Cathy, on my first post I was advised to nuke my family.

However I refused and just continued reading everyone else's messed up lives and read everything about Plan A.

I am now able to plug leaks faster than they can form and my ship is no longer foundering.

My wife just celebrated our 10th anniversary last week and it was the best ever. I surprised her with a 20 year old bottle of Dom that I had been keeping since our wedding day.

Read everything and don't give up.

Cathy - if you post here looking for advice, you will get it, but it will be very honest and not sugar-coated in any way. Nobody here is going to pussyfoot around the truth. Like some guy on teevee says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."

***I'd suggest looking at the very top of this website, going to "Basic Concepts", and reading up on things like The Rule of Protection.***

That was from my first post. Have you tried this yet?

Someone else also advised you to get *After The Affair*. *Surviving An Affair* will also help you. Do you have either of these books?

You can't fix something when you don't want to look at why it broke in the first place. It sure looks to me like your marriage "broke" because neither your nor your husband was following the Rule of Protection. That's why, when you asked, "What do I do?" I suggested first reading up on the Rule of Protection. It's right here on this site, under "Basic Concepts" at the top of this page.
Mulan

I have read the Basic Concepts and have been working on putting them into practice. I cannot find the Rule of Protection...help me out?

I do not yet have any of the books, but am ordering them.

Yes, we are trying to identify what was broken...and we are in marriage counseling, but I think I'm the only one that wants to do it. Right now, he just wants to throw in the towel.

Found the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage...reading them now.

your story is sad indeed

the person I most identify with and have compassion for is ...



I wish OMW and her broken heart healing grace.

Pep

Kathy,

Well, you have been reading here for 2 years. You have been married 3 times and your h has been married 2 times...so far.

How many more times do either of you want to be married?

This is not a question out of anger, or to make you feel bad. It is a question YOU need to ask yourself, and your H needs to decide as well.

For your information you can "plan A" your H, up to a point. It is a good thing to do. The point is this, plan A means putting your taker on the shelf. It is meant to see if an end of the affair can be negotiated. Obviously, you were the one in the affair, so that part of plan A won't work. One of the reasons plan A is NOT recommended as a life style is that it does require you Taker to be on the shelf, and that is not healthy after a period of time.

My recommendation is to read and understand plan A, but not put your Taker on the shelf but balance your taker with your Giver portion. By your own words you have been the Taker in this relationship for most of it. Your H's affair does NOT and did NOT give you the right to do this.

It seems to me that IF you truely want to save your marriage you need to understand why you would accept all that your H has done while you went to school, started your job, and allowed him to take care of YOUR children, AND then have an affair with the neighbor across the street.

What you don't seem to have figured out, is that each time your H goes out the door of his home, he is triggered by seeing the house across the street IF not the OM himself. His nose is being rubbed in it multiple times a day. Now if you wanted revenge for his affair you could NOT have selected a better way. YOu have fouled your own nest with this one.

You need to figure out why you had this affair, you need to be able to tell your H why you had this affair, and then you need to offer a plan for you to address your issues. He will needs some serious introspection as well.

If you don't do these things, your NEXT marriage will meet the same fate as will his. I think it is time you stopped your this and address your methods of handling stress, pressure, and life in general. It is clearly not well founded and to use Dr. Phil's statement, it is not working for you.

So do the reading, post here, but begin to really really understand why you have made the decisions you have. Your H really should not stay unless there are some changes in you, and honestly he has some to make as well.

So read here, post and ask questions, but most of all start to address WHY? and then develop a plan to change how you make decisions about your marriage and life.

There is so much more to say, but start with the WHY?

God Bless,

JL