Grr. Yet another case of STBX choosing OW over DD. I asked him a couple weeks ago if he'd switch days this weekend so she could go to a b-day party for one of her little friends. He said OK. Last night, he says he can't see her tomorrow b/c "he has plans." I said, "you said you'd switch. What's more important than spending time with DD?" He said, "It's not more important than DD." Me: Then get out of it so you can see DD. WH: I can't.

Today, I called him b/c DD was sick and I had to pick her up early. Found out his plans are taking OW away for the weekend. I'm so pi$$ed. Not that I mind having DD all to myself this weekend... I love it. We'll have a fun time. However, he's shirking his responsibility as a parent. I don't know HOW many plans I've had to cancel b/c of being a parent. I know I can't MAKE him be a good parent, but it's still very frustrating.

That and it must be nice to be able to afford a vacation, when I'm contemplating selling my wedding rings so I can pay the lawyer. Grrr. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So my question is, when he is going to wake up and realize that he's traded his family for white trash, or will he ever?

Hi SadMommy -

HUGS!!!! It is so frustrating, I'm sure. I wish you could just say, well "WH, you have no choice." but you can't. I would never turn over DS to WH for full time care. But, it would be good if they knew what it was like to take care of a child full-time. They have no understanding.

Perhaps if you approached the scheduling issue another way? For instance instead of asking, telling? I guess your visitation schedule is court ordered now? For me, when I have a change I TELL WH. I don't give him a choice of whether or not he can do it......

Take care......

Kim

You're right, Kim. I need to be more assertive. When I talked to him on the phone this morning on my way to pick up DD (sick at the babysitter's, but she's better now), I told him that if he wanted to make up his time w/her, it would have to be tomorrow or bust. He said he wanted to do it during the week, and I countered with, "That would be bad for her schedule during the week, and you won't be able to do it next weekend b/c of Mother's Day. This is part of being a parent. It isn't about WH, it's what's best for DD."

No more asking if it's OK. From now on, I TELL him. It's time to take control of the situation.

Hey SM. Again, we have twin WH's. I cannot tell you how many times he hasn't shown up, changed his plans, etc. to accomodate his coaching job, his plans with OW, or his emotional whims. You might have seen me post about this on my last post. WH seems to think he should have a comes as he pleases approach to the boys.

I need to be assertive also, so hoping here that I can see you follow through and gain some strength that way!!

I tend to think thet won't be good parent material until thay face their actions. And who knows how long that will be.

i just sent WH an e-mail last night (which he did not reply to) that said basically to stop thinking of himself and think of the boys when he is by to visit them. I must have really ticked him off badly--because we had a bad storm hit where I live and he did not call or anything. Not that he usually does, but still it was really bad. (I actually had to call out the fire dept. and they were here till 2am trying to get the system reset (I live in charity's house and run it in the evenings). It was a LoooooNG night.

Let me know how the telling goes. I'll be praying for you.

intexas

Hey, BSes, how on earth do you deal with the bad thoughts when you KNOW your WS is on a trip doing who knows what with you know who?

I've had an awful time of it this weekend, as STBX has taken OW out of town for the weekend. How he can afford it or where they went, I have no idea. But I can't stop thinking about all the romantic weekends away we've had. And I can't stop picturing them together, because I KNOW what WH likes to do on vacation. Heck, they probably didn't leave the room all weekend. And then I get really ticked off thinking about him whisking her away to a $200/night hotel back in October, when the place we stayed for our HONEYMOON wasn't that expensive and I was selling stuff on ebay in October to buy DIAPERS. It makes me really sick to my stomach and very, very angry.

How do I make these bad feelings go away?

(((Sadmommy)))

How do you make the bad feelings go away? You look yourself in the mirror and know that you are a person with character, morals and integrity. You are a person your DD is lucky to have has a role model.

Hugs. I agree regarding stupid WH not thinking of kids. Im very early in the sitch - only 5 weeks since D-Day and he's moved in with OW.

He said at the start he'd be there for the kids (3 of them) whenever I need it. Well, Monday nights I need it and Tues mornings I need it - and he's just texted me to say 'can't do tonight or tomorrow morning'

GRRRRR - HUTAS is so big with him atm.

How can they look at their children and still think about THEMSELVES first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Goodluck

zuj

well, my friend, I again am at aplace you are at. I was feeling so down today thinking of all they do together--and really wondered how they do it? How do they go to church together? How does he buy her expensive things when we are truly struggling financially since we are maintainung three households? How? How? How?

And when I get like this, SM, I don;t like how it makes me feel. I feel rejected, unchosen, dumped, at-fault, etc.

But that's not coming from God. And I know that.

So when you're having those moments of how can they do this? What are they doing? Or even just the reminiscing moments that make you sad, I try my darndest to remember that I have not done anything wrong to make this happen. THat I have stayed faithful. I have fought a good fight. And that I will have the respect of my kids.

Also, remember who God is--He is good. Say it again--God is good and wants good for you, Sadmommy. He will be the lifter of your head and your strongtower. I cling to such truths right now.

I also have started to think of what this period in my life is gonna look like in 5-10 years. I know I will look back at it and see all the ways and times God carried me through. He promised He would hold me through this.

I know exactly how you feel, SM. I had the same weekend myself. But I also know we're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.

Praying for you.

intexas

(((Sadmommy)))

They all seem to do it. I too went through what you are going through with my STBX. It is hard to believe that they put OW before their own child...but they do...unfortuately their children aren't their number 1 priority which is sad. I think they will realise one day, but whether they admit it or not is another story.

I know how frustrating it is, but you can't control him and what he chooses to do, it is wasted energy. I took me a while to accept this and to realise that I should stop factoring STBX into things and relying in him. Life is much more peaceful now because I know I can rely on me to be there or organise other options which do not involve STBX.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They were exactly what I needed to hear. I left him a message last night about the house b/c we've got a realtor coming to do a listing contract tomorrow and take photos for the flyer/web, and the outside still looks awful. He's had three weeks to do the outside stuff, and he's not done yet. I've been doing a little weeding here and there, but I don't have the time, equipment, know-how or money to hire someone else to do everything that needs done.

Maybe he's too ashamed to call me back?

Well, we signed the contract to sell the house last night. WH showed up before I got home to finish the yardwork before the guy got there.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel particularly upset about the contract. As much as I love my home, it's OUR home. Everything in that house was chosen by H and me, back when he was H and not WH. So you would think I'd be super upset about losing that, but I'm not. Weird.

On a side note, before WH left last night, I asked him if he wanted to give DD a bath. From the time he picked her up out of my arms until the time he handed her back to me in her jammies, she was screaming bloody murder. Made me feel awful. The whole time he was here and the realtor was going over the contract with us, every five minutes she was saying, "mama" and running up to me. She pretty much ignored him. I wonder if HE felt awful.

((SM))

I can empathize with not being devestated about the house thing. I don't want to move, because I don't want to pack. But there is almost an excitement about having a home that has no WH energy in it.

Every spot in this house has H memories, chosing the paint, curtains, etc, where we did this and that. I can rearrange, repaint, purge and replace. But this house symbolizes so much falseness (is that a word?).

The house is just another thing I am not afraid of losing. That is a nice spot to be in. It sounds like that is where you are too. You and DD will have a lovely place that showcases all that you are.

Yep, Jean. You're right. The house is just a big symbol of what's gone. I agree about the falseness... it's like a house of cards, built on promises that weren't true.

Just like my wedding ring set. Absolutely beautiful set, but I want to sell it. When someone asked me, "Don't you want to save it for DD?" My response was, "Why? It's tainted now."

On a side note, I was annoyed last night when the realtor guy asked if we had a blue pen, b/c he likes doing stuff with blue. WH says, there's one in the coffee table (not) and then he started rummaging through all the drawers in the house looking for one, like he still lived there.

I said, "WH, I don't go to your apartment and go through your drawers. Please don't go through mine." He apologized.

I am glad that WH did apologize for going through your drawers, and I am proud of you for calling him on it.
We have had a similar issue with WH's refusal to call before he comes over to get the kids, just give me a ring and let me know what time you are picking up the kids.

Since he thought his apartment location should be in the witness protection program, I am sure he would be livid if I just popped in. So everytime he does call when he is on the road, I give him lots of positive reinforcement for the desired behavior - it is like dealing with a toddler!

There is a scene in the COLOR PURPLE... that I adore...

It's whoopie sitting at the dinner table with her "husband" who is an adulteruous abuser...

I even believe that they are at dinner with even the OW...

the main character in the middle of dinner looks at her husband...
as says calmly...

till you done right by me...
nothing
nothing you touch will ever be good....

words to that effect...(I am sure the quote is off)

it is perfection....
offered with calm dead clarity....
and I believe in the world of checks of balances...

there is the right way..
and there is the wrong...

those that CHOOSE the wrong way...
and leave in their path a wake of destruction..

will never know true peace
will never know serenity...

for no matter where they lay their heads.....it is those moments between awake and sleep...their soul sings to them...
and the song brings them no rest...

till WS do right by you...
nothing good comes from all they touch...

and yep they will surround themselves with people and stuff that can't ever call them on it....
for birds of a feather do flock together....

they are sick in their souls...
and till they do right....

they will remain sick...

that's not offered in triumph...

it's a sad lonely dark place...
of their choice...

pity them....

I do...
ARK^^

WH will have to live the REST of their life with the guilt over the pain they have caused...not just you...but that sweet little girl. No vacation, or late mornings, or ANYTHING is going to take that away for long. He is trying to make himself feel better.

The more money he spends=the rottoner he feels

Thanks, you guys. Ark, I don't remember the movie much, but I loved the book.

You guys won't believe what happened yesterday. Two very startling discoveries.

In counseling, I was talking about how I felt about WH/OW's little trip and how upset I was over the weekend. In talking about that, what I THOUGHT was WH's sexomnia came up. Apparently, though, the counselor believes perhaps WH had been sexually assaulting me. !!!!! OMG. Sure, there is such a thing as sexomnia, where you do sexual things in your sleep, and that's what I THOUGHT was going on. I've posted about this before in another forum on here. However, he took PHOTOS of me one night while I was asleep, when I was pregnant. That, and the way he acted whenever I confronted him about what happened the night before whenever it happened (and it happened a lot) led my counselor to say his actions were those of a perpetrator. I would feel so violated whenever it happened. So now I'm dealing with this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And startling revelation number two: WH quit his job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> His last day was yesterday. Ran into his boss at a government meeting yesterday. Apparently he's going back to his old field. Gosh, seven years of school, and he's going back to law enforcement. Surely he knew this was going to happen going into mediation a couple weeks ago. So here I was, thinking everything was just about over. But now we may have to renegotiate support, and the fact that he lied about this could be very, very bad for him.

Which means the whole divorce thing may be held up, which will be really, really bad for me b/c we have the real estate auction next month, and I have to have the final decree to be qualified for a mortgage. I cannot believe this [email]cr@p!![/email] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Good grief, that is a lot to have dumped on you. Does his career change affect his pay scale, do you think he'll want to modify CS?

It very well could. I can't imagine him leaving for less money, or agreeing to paying what he agreed to if he knew he'd be taking a pay cut. In all likelihood, it'll be ME wanting to renegotiate CS, depending on what my lawyer finds out in the next couple days.

Well, apparently he DID leave for less money. He's going back to his old job, a college cop. How weird is that?!

It came out tonight. I asked him how work was today, and he said busy. His apartment is on my way back to the office from another work site, and I noticed his vehicle there at lunchtime... "You were able to come home for lunch?" he said yes. From across town? Yes, he said. Then he asked me about the county meeting I went to (it was a planning board meeting, b/c a developer is getting ready to do something with the property next door), so I told him about running into his boss and what the boss said.

I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he said he was planning to after the divorce went through. He said he was going back to his old job. I asked him why he had just lied (twice) to me, and he said it was b/c he thought I would freak out about him working at the PD again. "You always hated me working there." I replied, "WH, I didn't like the job b/c I wanted to spend more time with you. You've pretty much thrown that out the window." He'd been planning this move for a month, since before mediation.

He showed me his acceptance letter, which showed his salary. It is a little less than what he made at the other place, but with OT, it'll even out.

I think it's kind of humorous... well, sad, really. To think he spent 7 years in school to become a landscape architect, griping the whole time about the politics at the PD. And then he gets out, lands a great job with a great firm, and then goes BACK to the other job?? I guess it just goes to show that a lot more really WAS going on besides him being unhappily married to me. Weird, huh?