I agree with that one, too, believer. I know a lot can change in 6 months. And the day-to-day reality will kill the fantasy, right?

I'm sure that her continued unemployment and spending habits will drive STBX insane. Either that, or she will get tired of him having to fork over so much of his money for DD.

Funny.
WH just called (I have to answer when he calls my work number). He tells me that he wants me to know he is a good person and is better than all this. That he's enough. Lots of tears (which mean nothing now that I know he is capable of turning them on and off), etc.

I ask him if OW is breaking up with him. He says he never knows from minute to minute.

I quoted that statement because WH said the same thing to me--that I wasn't enough. Now, here is hearing the same think from (gasp!) OW.

See, minute to minute these things change.

But we only get stronger and get to have more and more time with our precious kids.

Someone very dear to me told me one day I would thank him for this. This is from a lady who stuck by me when most thought I was nuts for trying to save this marriage. I guess there's that point when we realize that life is gonna be great regardless.

Just look at Believer. She has amazing tenacity, is still helping others here, and is as strong as ever. And she is happy.

You'll be okay. And so will DD. Remember--she's God's DD, too. And HE will always be her Father.

When the wife is still in the picture, the affairees rally against her. When she is out of the picture, they start arguing.

I really don't see them marrying. If they do, it won't last. But my bet is that they don't get married.

So sorry to hear your latest development, SadMommy. It really sucks. Best payback you can get is to get yourself out there and start enjoying your life, like you did the other night!

Even if they stay together, it will be forever jinxed by the ugliness of the foundation. You will always know you've done what you can, and tried to salvage a marriage, but the WH was too spellbound to fix himself.

The other thing about this is that when it moves from fantasy to reality you start to see faults.

During the A everything seems exciting. Just because of the atmosphere involved in carrying out the A. Once it becomes reality it is no longer exciting to kiss somewhere because getting caught is no big deal now.

Once the excitment subsides you start seeing the faults in the other person. In most cases I would have to say they are worse then the BS's faults. Lets face it right out of the gate the WS is commiting their time to a person of questionable moral values. If they have the character flaw of being with a married person then there have to be other underlying problems. In addition to that the joy of being chosen over the BS eventually fades.

If that is the type of person someone wants to be with for the rest of their lives then more power too them.

I hope you guys are right! It's not that I don't want WH to be happy. I do. It's just that I don't want my DD to have OW as a wicked stepmother. (Plus, I want to be assured that WH will be able to pay child support w/out OW spending all his money first!)

Well there is nothing you can do about the wicked stepmother part. It is what it is.

As far as the support you can have your divorce orders state that the support is taken directly out of his slary.

I think in some states they do this automatically.

If he doesn't make his payments don't be nice go to the DA and have them garnish his wages as soon as it is permitted. Make sure he pays with dated checks and keep records of the payments.

You of course will be the bad person for doing this but you have to do what is best for your child.

They are pretty tough on support now because if they let the father fall too far behind they know he won't get caught up very easily.

Well, I screwed up tonight. I think it was due in part to all the stress I've been under today with my mom's hospitalization. When I went to get DD from his place, I asked him if he had figured out his living arrangements. Basically everything the OW's XH told me is true. His lease runs out 7/25 and he plans to live with OW. So then (big mistake) I ask, "Is it true you're planning to get married?" His response? "SM, I'm not a user. I don't stay with someone for a long time just for fun." Ha. Can you believe that?? If only he realized that SHE'S a user, or at least has been for every guy she's dated since I've known her.

And then I asked what his parents thought about it. He gave me a weird look and said his mom knows and she's OK with it. I was incredulous: "How can she be OK with it, knowing how it started?" He actually said, "How it started isn't as important as what it is." I told him that bad beginnings usually have bad endings.

Can you believe this mess, how deep in the fog he is?? I am just stunned. Not by the fact that he's planning this, but by his lame-o, fogged out answers. Absolutely insane. Too bad my mom isn't in any shape to hear this... she'd get a kick out of it.

The big dummy is making a HUGE mistake. Let him continue on. You can't save him from his choices.

I know I can't save him from his choices. I just wish I could protect DD from his choices.

As a mom, I know what you mean. We try to do our best for our children. You're a good mom. But your husband's actions are out of your control.

Now I'm really freaking out. Just got back from chatting with a coworker/friend. She said the marriage possibility might mean WH and OW are going to make a play for custody for DD, and that while it would be small, he would probably have a chance b/c of there being two parents there.

Surely that's not true, right? I'm calling my lawyer about another matter anyway, so I guess I've got more to talk to him about...

I'm no expert but I don't think there's any way in h3ll a court would give full custody of an infant daughter to a father unless you were some crack addict. At most, he would get 50/50.

I asked my lawyer once if WH could get custody and he snorted and said "of all the things you have to worry about, that's not one of them." You've been the primary caretaker, the child is an infant, and a girl, he had an affair, left the family, etc., etc. Don't worry about it.

Sad,

Highly unlikely to be honest.
It of course depends on where you live.
In most states it is biased in the mothers favor. Sometimes there is a presumption of a non biased system but in reality it is.

In the unbiased states the presumption is 50-50 at the beginning and then there are factors that will modify those percentages.

For example if you are and have been the primary caretaker for the child then you get a little more he gets a little less.

In my state getting remairred or cohabitating is certainly not taken as a positive for more custody. It can actually be a detriment in a custody hearing.

The fact that your DD is only 1 year old makes it nearly impossible for him to get even 50%.

There are a few factors that will definately hurt you. Substance abuse and spousal abuse are two real big no no's.

Sad- it's pretty much the same thing here in my state. Don't stress, WH's not going to rip your baby from you!

I know, I know. I'm just totally paranoid. I guess I've just got too much stuff going on right now... Mom, the divorce, the news of the wedding plans, work, and the real estate stuff. Ugh. I could SOOOO use a vacation!

Everyone, please keep your fingers crossed! The real estate auction is coming up in a couple hours. My stomach has been in knots, I am so nervous about it and Mom!!

Guess I need to go get DD up out of bed, since the auction guy will be here soon to set up...

Well, [email]cr@p.[/email] The auction was a bust. Big time. The highest bid was nearly $50K less than the pay-off. We're putting in a counter offer, but if that doesn't work, who knows what we'll have to do. If we go the traditional listing route, it could take several months and I could lose the contract I have on the other place. We won't make nearly as much money as we were counting on with the auction. I am feeling lousy right now!!! Trying very, very hard to remember that everything happens the way it's supposed to happen...

SM, I've never posted to you before, but I want to pass on the most sincerest of hugs. I have followed your thread, and just from the words you right....he is living in a different planet!!!!!

You are someone that DESERVES TO BE CHERISHED!! He is fogged out!!!

Isn't it funny how we can love someone so much.....but hate there actions and choices to the point of reacting to it??? It is the BS's battle that goes on until the Love Bank is empty........................

God Bless you!
MWIL

Thanks for posting to me, MWIL. Unfortunately, you are correct. The LB has been empty for a long time now... very, very sad.

When I told him how sick my mother is, he showed no sympathy whatsoever. No, "gee, I'm sorry. Are you OK?" Nothing.