OK, Anyone reading my last post knows that I thought my case was different and unique.. I know now I just had a WW who could not let go to the OM...
I told OM Monday that I needed NC, he said OK, if that is what you need then he will do it.. Then WW called and said we needed to talk.. I went home, she said I was trying to control her, keep her from the friends she needs.. etc, everything it said here that she would say... Because we have a 4MO that is nursing, I told her that either she has to agree to NC, or I was leaving till she agreed to it.. She said, then go... I know now that I should of never left, and people here told me to go back right away..

I emailed her Tue night and asked if I could take my daughter (3.5YO) to dinner and she spend the night with me and then I take her to school.. No response, so I emailed again, and said if taking her out of the house is a bad idea, I would see her at the house and spend the night and the WW and 4MO could leave. Still no reponse, finally I told her she needed to respond and she said that she needed space and that meant no emails, and that if I gave her space I would be back in the house soon enough..
So I decided that I had 3 days of clothes, so I emailed her Thursday and said I only had one day left, to see what she said, but I knew that I was going to move back in no matter her response.. But she said come by tomorrow(today) and we can talk...
So, she should be home at 3:30, I am here now.. I am going to hold my ground, I am not leaving, will only agree to a complete NC for us to work on us.... But man am I stressed, I know to keep it cool, and not to yell but she told her mother is was not even an affair, not sure how they think that, she is in deneil??

I tried to explain that the affair is like an addiction to her mother who told me I was messing up but she would not listen..

I am afraid the conversion will go badly for me and that she will not agree to NC..
But then what??? Do I tell her to leave till she does?? Leave the 3 1/2YO??? SHe can not leave the 4MO..
I tried to paint a Single working mother story to her to let her know how much it will change, but she figures she will walk away with over $200,000 plus Child and Spouse support so she thinks she will be better off then now...
UGGGGG, maybe she will agree to NC and counsling, those are my only 2 requirements for us to work on us, and maybe saying she did have an affair....

Well, wish me luck, I know I did not listen to everyone's great advise but I am trying too now... Hope it is not too late..

Good move, duggie.

Do not "demand" NC.

You can only state it as necessary to start rebuilding.

Don't demand anything.

Be a model citizen and loving father.

Practice this phrase: "I understand your concern" for when the venom starts.

WAT

Dug, you have to break this adultery up before progress can begin. Exposure is the biggest and best tool you have to do that. What's your plan, to do that, Dug? Tell us. We'll help.

Everyone knows now, all but OM's work.. Mothers, wives, friends, family, all know the entire story..
If my wife aggree's to complete NC, we will find a new church and move on, if she does not agree, then I will ask you all for advise on how to proceed..

Maybe start getting your finances in order? Your WW seems pretty fogbound...

I think you should expose to OM's work. Tell the pastor. That will probably be the end of OM. Maybe he'll move away.

I thought that too.. but that is really tricky, we own 4 properties, 5 vechiles and 2 companies together.. But I was thinking the same thing..

I couldn't agree with this more. This has been suggested several times. You can avoid leaving this church if OM does.

Bust him!!

Why are you protecting him? How do you know your wife isn't just his latest victim? Will your conscience allow more to follow?

Don't be naive, man. This could be the most important thing you do.

WAT

duglas, insist on nc, but if she won't, don't ask her to leave. And don't leave yourself. You can bust up the affair by EXPOSING it later. But don't tell her that.

Just tell her you are home to stay and work on your marriage. If she says she won't work on the marriage, then tell her you are sure sorry to hear that but here you are to STAY. And then SMILE.

I'll just share a little something here. I was at MC last night with WW. One of WWs comments to MC was that she was absolutely irritated that I was doing all this stuff to try to meet her ENs. Only problem was she couldn't say it with a straight face.

Get back in the house. Stay there. Plan A your buttocks off and in general be happy. Make it a safe place to be, capice?

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Duglas-I'm so sorry for you, and for all of us, that there isn't a less disruptive, less painful way to recover from an A. Many here have had friends, relatives, co-workers involved as the OP, and EACH and EVERY one has had to go the NC route. Before I was married, I "cheated" on my then boyfriend with another guy. He was my boss, and we had all three gotten along before the A. Naively, we thought we could just "put it behind us," and go on. Even if we didn't really believe it, we really WANTED to believe it. Trust me, it doesn't work. There's too much damage to the relationships, and it won't heal when you keep seeing each other socially. Expose to the church, hope the OM moves on, and you can have less disruption. Your wife will go through withdrawl, and that will cause disruption for several months as well. You just have to ride that part out. Do not abandon your children, though. This just makes it easier for her to run back to the OM. Sorry to just dump all that on you, but I'd hate to see you burn any bridges too soon. Good luck!

OK, I talked to her and it went pretty well, I told her I had 2 things I needed to move on, I needed complete 100% NC with OM and we had to go to MC.... She aggreed to both.. She said she was not ready for MC let, but that I could make an appointment on MOnday for the following week, it takes 1 week to get an APPT at the Christian MC near us..
She said she knew she had an A and that what she did was wrong and that if I gave her time and space and did not push her we could move forward..

Time will tell

Our chuch is a small plant church, it is about to fold anyways, it is loosing a few people a week, OM will not have a job much longer and I told WW that NC meant that we had to find anyother church..

Give her "time and space" to do WHAT exactly? And how can you give her that? If she needs "space" she can go in the garage or back yard; she doesn't need you to give it to her. What does this mean exactly?

Please tell me you DID move back home?

I am back in the house.. Space means to her, no cuddling, no affection from me....

She is asleep on the couch now, waiting for 1:30 feeding then she will come to bed.. I told her I wanted us to go to bed together, she said baby steps...
Hopefully NC with OM will bring her around.

Good man!

Way to go, Dug!

You can pull her out of the fog Dug, keep up the good work and keep listening to the advice on here. MBers will pull you through. So happy that you went back..You are on the right road. Now, plan A your bu** off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OK, I am in the house and trying to make it as happy as possible.. BUt her being so angry is normal right??? Not wanting to do anything with me or work on us.. This is part of the fog right... I try to by saying lets play cards, or Yatezze or talk instead of watching TV but I get a no... I try to say lets take the kids for a walk, go to bed together( not for SF, just to have her there)... Or hug, or hug and kiss.... I am not somthering her, but I am getting nothing out of her at all.. She just seems angry all the time and will only give one or 2 short answers to small talk questions..
Should I just do nothing till she is not angry anymore, if that ever happens.. I just get heartbroken everytime I ask for something, anything and do not get it.. I feel like if I try and get nothing, my love will turn to resentment and I will not try anymore, and not care too...

This has been going on now for 6 weeks, is that normal??

Again, I am not looking for holding hands, cuddling, or SF.. Just something from my wife that would show she was a wife, not just someone I am sharing a house with...

Dear Dug,

Did you move back for your integrity, your desire, or hers? Then please don't make this based on changing her at all...stick with the kids and play Yahtzee, go for walks, acknowledge her anger, listen and repeat...her anger is hers. No contact hasn't been for six weeks, has it? There was contact up until you took action, right?

Still fresh. Stop trying to get anything out of her and focus on you and the children. Make those O&H statements...break your pattern of choosing your actions based on possible or desired responses and base those choices on your code. Who you are. Stop choosing beliefs which will most harm you, hurt and give you the idea that hurt is coming from her...when it is coming from inside you.

God wants you to see his creation...you...in full light. This is your opportunity to examine what your motives are, expectations (premeditated resentments) and that YOU create resentments in yourself, not her.

Your power.

What you do and believe.

And you're there, a presence...you matter. What you want from WW is what you aren't giving to yourself. Use that as your guide and get your focus off of her.

LA

I will work on and follow your advise...

But what are O&H statements????

I made a MC appt next Wed because she said she would not be ready next week, when I told her about it, she said she was still not ready and might not be ready then, I told her I would keep it and go myself if she was not ready and she can go when she was ready...