I've only posted a few times. My husband and I have been having problems for the past year. He started a friendly relationship with an older women from his work. He said they were just friends, someone he could talk to, that nothing sexual had happend. I couldn't trust him, so he moved out and came back after a month. He said that he didn't like her in a sexual way and that he would stop talking to her. Everything was fine for a while after he moved back. I still had problems with my trust. Constantly snooping, making accusations. Major LBing. Fast forward to a couple months ago. We still having some problems, arguing alot. He stopped telling me that he loved me, even during casual conversations, he would tell me that he don't feel the same about me, which hurts alot. He told me that it is because of all the accusing and not trusting him, it was basically wearing him down.
About three weeks ago out of nowhere, I get a phone call from a stranger telling me that my husband is having an afair with this women from work. That his vehicle has been seen at her house, and that she went with him to the city when he had to go for training. I was very angry and confronted him about it. There was alot of yelling. He told me that it was probably just someone trying to cause trouble. He said he didn't want to lose me. He told me he loved me that night. He also made me call the other women and question her which I did. She denied. She said that he hasn't been there since I caught him there last year. A couple of day's later I decided to call an old client of mine who happens to be this other womens neighbor. She knew both me and my husband. I know this person wouldn't lie to me, she had no reason to. I asked her if she has seen my husbands vehicle their any time recently, like within the last few months. She said that she seen him there in March. He was just sitting in his truck, and she came out to talk to him. And that she has seen his truck there several times before that. I immediately went in and confronted him in front of one of his family member. I'm sure I went about it all wrong. I was so angry. I didn't care who knew. I do regret that now. He denied everything. The next day he came home from work and started packing. He told me that he was at her house, but he was just doing some work for her. He does side work alot, and he said it was just like doing a job for anybody else. He said he didn't tell because he knew I would be upset about it. I don't know if he is telling me the truth or not. I said he should have never have gone to her house, even for a job, knowing how I felt about it, and all the problems that we have had in the past over her. He said it might have been wrong, but he didn't see anything wrong with it at the time. He thought that as long as I didn't know about it, it would be o.k.
He is now staying with his boss from work, say's he cares about me, but he can't live with me and all the accusations all the time. He is talking of divorce. He continues to blame me for everything. I do know that I have alot of fault in the marriage. I am torn between whether he is telling me the truth, or if he did have a PA. If he did, I don't think he will ever tell me. I told him that all I needed was reassurance. That him telling me that he don't love me, absolutely makes me think that he did have an affair. But I know that the night I confronted him in front of a family member, he did cry, and told is cousin that he loves me and didn't want to lose me. But the next day he moved out like it was nothing. How can he tell me that he don't love me and tell someone else that he does love me. I want our marriage to work so bad it hurts. I am so torn apart, our girls are feeling the effects too. Me and him still talk everyday. He is taking the girls overnight tonight. I am trying to be strong, but had a bad day yesterday, and ended up calling him and crying to him. He would not talk to me while I was crying. He said that if we get a divorce, he would always be there for me and take care of me and the girls. I don't want him to care about me, I want him to love me and be my husband. He said he just can't be with me because of the accusation of affairs.
I don't know, maybe I am crazy, maybe I was wrong about everything. Maybe it is my fault.
What can I do about this? What do I need to start doing? What can I do to save my marriage?

My opinion: sounds like the mindset of the typical cheater. He is justifying to himself the abuse of your trust by resorting to that type of thinking.

If your H is TRULY interested in restoring your M and earning your trust again, then he needs to understand that anything that he does that he would not otherwise do if you were standing right next to him constitutes cheating.

In other words, he should act at all times as if you are right there with him, looking at what he's doing.

Mandy, you need more information. You have the phone call and his lies, but you haven’t nailed it down very well because you flew off the handle and didn’t do a little military style intelligence operation. Get your temper under control. Right now, it’s your worst enemy in this. I suspect you would benefit from some professional counseling from a good, pro-marriage counselor. It’s a forum where you can talk and not be judged.

Okay. Typically, adulterers reveal themselves by extensive cell phone calls, emails, Instant Messaging, “working late,” unexplained absences, etc., etc. Have you seen any of these signs or even looked for them? Here’s a link entitled “Spying 101.” It should be useful to you in your intelligence operation.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


How about ordering the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley? Even if your husband is NOT in an affair, it’s good reading for any couple.

Hang in there, Mandy. If you find out he’s indulging himself with an adultery, you can still salvage your marriage. The pros out here will help you do just that.

I know, I am guilty of jumping the gun to quick with my temper. Every little thing I immediately question him about it. The only time in a very long time that he told me that he loved me, is after the phone call I got. He tells me now, that if I want to start seeing anybody, that it would be o.k. with him, because we are separately. We have only been separated two weeks. I have no way of really knowing what he is doing now that he is gone. He does call me a couple of times a day though.

He does receive phone calls on his cell, that I do question. He said that it is probably someone he is doing a job for. But this is someone who is calling him 3-4 times daily for up to an hour sometimes. He saids I am crazy.
The number don't show up, just what town it is comming from. He called her number 2 months ago, it does show up if he makes the call, and he contacted her twice back in Feb.

Since he is gone now, I don't know what to do. Do I continue to try and talk to him? Or do I stop? Where do I go from here? How can I save this marriage, even on my own, if he is not willing?

Thanks for your help

(((((Mandy))))

Calling all veterans, can you please help Mandy?

U r at the beginning of this mess but stuck at the beginning for quite a while. R U ready for a plan?

If so, please consider doing the following:

1. Read the concepts section, take the EN questionnaire, read Surviving an Affair - His needs/Her needs (both by Dr Harley) & Love must be tough (Dobson). Read them well.

2. After you have done reading, call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling and a plan.

Why?

Because your H is a WS and has been all along. WS' can 'fake' it for a while but the A is going strong and right now they are using your anger to fuel their A. So let's get you on a plan so squish their A and help you move forward.

Remember he is a WS and she is a OW. That makes both of them pathogoical liars. Her denial and his was planned. You didn't have a chance until now.

L.