I've read some great letters regarding Plan B. Does anyone have any letters so I can gather my thoughts about presenting Plan A to my WS? She's been having an affair for about a year, all her co-workers know it (the affair is with a co-worker), her best friend, brother, and mother know it. She wants me to keep it secret but she moved out into her own apartment 3 weeks ago after I confronted her 4 weeks ago. She couldn't take the pressure and said "I need my space". She still sees him at work but I have no idea if there is other communication. I do not think she's still having a PA with him at this time. We have 2 girls, 14 & 12, who are angry and confused as to what their mom is going to do. I need advice!

First off, you do not present Plan A to your WW. Please read the Book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley as well as the info here on the site. In the just found out section of this forum there is great info in the post called The Carrott and the Stick of Plan A.

I would also repost in General Questions as it is much busier and has probably the largest number of posters.

I'm really sorry you have to be here, but you will get the support you need to make it through this.

I should be receiving the book early this week. Doesn't Plan A tell the WW to not contact him any longer as well as exposure? Again, I'm new and have scrambled eggs for brains. Since she moved out, would the chance of exposure to his wife and their co-workers increase the chance that my wife and he could be thrown together?

You really need to expose to his wife and their bosses- not necessacerily with co-workers.

Affairs thrive in the dark- bringing them to the light helps break them up.

His wife really needs to know as she deserves the right to fight for her marriage as well.



The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!

Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage

do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse

Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!

Pep