Post deleted by stay0rgo

...doesn't matter.
No matter what problems you're having with your wife she doesn't deserve what you are doing to her.
Cheating on her makes things infinitely worse. Trust me. There will be no happy ending.
I'm not in any position to give advice but have no problem saying you've screwed things up royally.
Good luck.

Do you take this woman to be your....for better or worse.....forsaking all others......

I agree with valley no matter what the problems are she doesn't deserve this.

Remember what you said then and maybe that will be your answer to why you should stay

I bet you said this to your wife, about your wife, at some point in time.


Umm, how about take more than SOME? She didn't choose for you to have an affair. You did that all by yourself. 100% your decision. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I bet if I challenged you to sit down with a notebook and a pen that you could fill up the notebook and THEN some with things you could have done instead of having an affair. Unless it happens to you, and I hope you never have to experience it, you will never know the hurt that your wife will experience because of this.

Now that I've chastized you... What does your wife want? Does she want to work things out with you? I'm sure she wants to rip your arm off and beat you about the head and shoulders with it. Does she even know? Why didn't you suggest counseling or therapy before? Did you suggest counseling or therapy before? Did she? Give us more details and someone can dive into the depths of this for you.

StayOrgo,

Others will be along with better advice, but I thought I would address a couple things I've learned in the A-aftermath.

There are shocking statistics that show relationships that start as affairs are about 95%++ guaranteed to fail. It's extremely improbable that this is the "love of your life" no matter how special it feels to you.

Also, you seem like a decent person who turned the wrong way to address the things that were/are lacking in your marriage. I doubt that the "love of your life" is someone who is willing to have an affair with a married man, especially a married man with children.

There are many people on here who have been in your shoes, felt the same way you felt, and realized after much pain and destruction that the A & other person was not what they thought and they regretted the whole thing. The advice you get will probably include a lot of people who are trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes they made. They mean to help you, so I hope you open your heart & mind to their wisdom.

You can have a much better, fulfilling, happy marriage with your wife, and that relationship has a much better chance of lasting and giving you real happiness than an affair relationship. Dr. Harley or other experts can explain excatly why the statistics are so high. To have that great marriage, you have to take certain steps. Hope you do so.

Have you even told your wife?

Stayorgo;  it's not why should you stay it's why should you go. If you really want to compare this "relationship" to that of your marriage with your wife, then compare apples to apples. How long have you been involoved with this person? How much time have you spent with her? OK, now go way back in time, before kids, before financial headaches, before domestic chores, before the stress of work turned you into a couch potatoe... way back to when you were first dating the woman you could not wait to spend the rest of your life with, the woman who made your stomach flip when she entered the room, the woman who made a smile erupt on your face everytime you heard her voice on the phone, the woman who was the last thought in your mind at night and the first thought in your mind in the morning...is this sounding familiar? This woman is your wife.

The point is at some point, the chemicals mix and your brain goes numb and you think you can't breathe without this person in your life. Eventually, after many ups and downs, successes and failures you will loose the chemical reaction and all that will be left is the realtionship you've built.

Do you really think the relationship with the OW could stand the same tests as you've already completed with your wife? I doubt it.

Dear StayOrgo,

I'm on the other side of the fence. I'm the wife who doesn't want to be touched by her husband. He has always treated me right and never done anything wrong to me, but for some reason I no longer desire him or his touch. Maybe it's because I love him but am no longer in love with him. I often wonder if he's better off with someone who desires him the way he yearns to be loved. I also wonder if there's someone out there who can make me feel whole again. Like you, I'm normally a very intimate and sexual person, and I want so much to be able to share that side of me with him. It pains me to see him feel unwanted, but at the same time it doesn’t feel right to pretend to want him. I really don't know what to do. I'm so afraid to let go, and maybe he is too.

What I do know is that no matter how hard he tries, he won't be able to change the way I feel. Physical attraction isn't something that can be forced; it has to be felt. I don't feel it with him -- I haven't felt it in years. I guess my advice to you is at some point, you need to figure out how your wife really feels. If she happens to feel the way that I do, I don't think she can change. She can give in to your desires every now and then, but she won’t feel the urge to reach out to you the way you crave to be touched. It’s sad that my husband and I carry on as if the lack of intimacy doesn’t bother us when we both know that it does. I guess in the end, just like you, we’ll need to figure out if we can be happy without it for the next 30-40 years of our lives.

Empathizing with your StayOrgo dilemma...
Kayla