My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. I was married before and had two children. We have one together so that makes three. After we were married I fell into a deep depression about 3 years into it. I stopped paying attention to him and to the kids and to myself. This has lasted for 5 years. About 3 years ago after his mom passed away he began a phone relationship with a girl he works with. I found out about it about 2 months after it started. He said they were just friends. That he could talk to her about things without any emotional involvement or stress. He used to talk to his mom, but after she died, he moved to this other woman. About a year ago it turned more intimate. I have found emails that were explicit and have taped phone conversations where he is telling her he loves her, making plans to meet her and talking about time they have spent together. I just confronted him with this last night.

A couple of months ago he had asked me to go to counselling. During this counselling is when I found some of these emails that I mentioned. The counsellor told him he had to decide who he wanted to be with and my husband told him it wasn't like that. That he wouldn't leave me to be with this other woman and didn't want to. But he became increasingly frustrated with the counsellor and we stopped going. I told him last night that the reason counselling didn't work was because he didn't want it to and he wasn't honest. I knew he was cheating, the counselor knew he was cheating, but he tried to lie to us and to himself.

He told me last night that he reallizes that he can no longer have anything to do with the OW while he is figuring out what is going to happen with us. He is at the point where he doesn't believe that I can change and he thinks that he has failed and is not good for me or I would have been happy before now.

For those of you that are wondering what I want is to fix this. I want to be the person that he needs...and not just for him. I want to be healthy and happy and do the things that we both enjoy, etc.... I want to be more attentive to him and the kids for me. Much of my depression has been because I felt like a failure as a mother and a wife. I want us to move into a very loving and enthusiastic relationship and be together for the next 50+ years.

That all being said, how exactly do I do plan A? I understand about most things, but what about sex? Physical intimacy? We have been intimate, but when I heard what I heard on the phone yesterday between him and the OW how do I do that? Am I supposed to? He said he's going to stop contact, but he's said that before. So how exactly does this work?

I really need some serious and specific guidance here. It will be difficult for me either way. I would miss being physcially intimate with him, but it has been and will be hard for me as well.

And if you do continue to find evidence that the affair is still going on I now you are supposed to confront them with it, but do you just say...." I know this happened or is going on, but I love you anyway " and then let it go? (Did I just answer my own question?)

Also, do you tell the WS about Plan A and Plan B? Do you tell them they have X amount of months or do you just start with the change in your behavior without laying it out?

One last piece of my puzzle, my husband is in the Navy Reserves and will be getting deployed some time this summer. While he is away I will have no idea if he is calling or emailing the OW. He will be gone for almost a year. How do I fit all of this in with my time frames? I don't want to wait a whole year to start re-building my relationship, but what I read in another location is true for me too:

I'd rather be married than right.

Thanks in advance....
RB

Hello,
I've started typing this several times and each time got interrupted. I'm going to try again.

I'm very sorry you have to be here at MB. However, it is the best place to be if you need it- and it sounds like you do.

Ok, here goes - you really probably want to copy your post to the general questions section of this forum. This section is not usually very busy and weekends are slower anyway.

Have you purchased and read Surviving an Affair? You so need to do that.

Read as much as you can here on the site. In the Just Found Out section of this forum, there is a good thread called the Carrott and the Stick of Plan A. Read all of it as well as the linked threads. Also, read the sticky threads on that forum.

It is good that your WH (Wayward Husband) says he needs to have no contact with her- however, it will have to be no contact for life.

You do not tell your husband about Plan A or Plan B. You just do it.

IS there a way you can call Steve Harley at Marriae Builders for a session? He can help you get a plan. If not, you can always email the radio show or give them a call. The radio show is abvailable from 10-1 central via straming audio here on the site.

Hang in there. Read, Read, Read. Keep posting and ask questions, but you will get more answers on the General Questions Section.