I was told to post this here as I might get more "traffic" and advice - so to start out, any help will be greatly appreciated.

At any rate, for about three months, my husband has been distant, brings up trivial things as huge problems to our relationship, etc. Will not go into that here - if you are interested, please see my post at "Pre-Marriage and the Early Years". About a month ago, I noticed a strange number showing up numerous times on my husband's cell phone bill. I did some investigating and found several text messages to another woman - someone he works with, that were definitely of an inappropriate nature. I confronted him about it and he of course denied it. I wanted to believe him so I let it go. Then yesterday I got the cell phone bill again and same story.

Today he left on a week long business trip to Japan, I know he's actually going on a trip - I've got his itinerary. But because he was leaving today, he worked from home yesterday (we live almost two hours away from where the OW lives so I doubt he saw her). However, what did happen is that he left his work e-mail open on our home computer and forgot. I knew it was but stayed quiet about it. When he left this morning he asked me to shut down the computer for him - no problem, I thought. Once he was out the door I went to work looking through his work e-mail to see if I could gather evidence. In a way I feel horrible for being so sneaky, on the other hand, it gave me the amunition I need.

Then sure enough, I found e-mail after e-mail to him from her, to her from him. I even found proof that suggests he went away on a business trip and came home a few days early without my knowledge and then spent a few days with her. in the process, I printed these e-mails so I have my proof, there's no denying it this time.

Fortunately, I also had an appointment with our marriage counselor this morning so I went and talked to him about it. I'm angry and hurt, but at the same time, my husband and I had a wonderful relationship up until this. I believe the A is a pretty new relationship...2.5 to 3 months at the most. As angry and hurt as I am about this, not to mention that my trust in him is shattered, I know I still love him and that I'd be willing to try and work things out with him if we manage to make it to that point. I also went and talked to the pastor at the church I just started going to. He was very helpful and gave me a lot of support on how to try and cope.

For now, my husband get's back on Thursday and I want to confront him probably at our scheduled marriage counseling session on Friday morning. I had thought about doing it on Thursday evening when he gets home, but decided that as he will leave for work right after our MC session, I want it fresh in his mind when he sees her that they've been caught.

Any thoughts on the best way to handle this with him as well as how to cope myself? I know maybe it's naive of me to want so badly to work things out with him, but I do love him, I can't stop that so easily, even under the circumstances. I am, by no means, condoning what he's done, nor am I forgiving him for it at this point, but I just know that in time, I could forgive and move forward if he wanted to really make the effort and drop the OW like a bad habit.

In addition, I wonder if he's already trying to stop things. Last week we had a really good week, we actaully talked about our future, he called me by some pet names (he hadn't done this in close to 3 months), we spent all last weekend working on our yard work and hanging out. He'd also said that he wasn't happy at his job and that he was sending his resume to another company (where an old friend/co-worker currently works). He's also talked about getting a head hunter to find him a new job later this month. I'm wondering if this could mean anything?

At any rate, I'm confused and angry and hurt and just trying to figure out how to move forward in a way that will be helpful and not hurtful to my marriage. Can I have hope for a future with my husband??? My biggest fear when I confront him is that he'll say he wants to be with her. I know all be ok in time if he says that, but I'm really hoping for a different result. What should I realistically expect when I confront him?

Any and all advice is welcome!
STINA

Get a plan.

1st read the concepts section above, take the EN questionnaire, read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.

2nd: Call Steve Harley @ MB and setup phone counseling 4 u immediately.

The OW hasn't made her move yet but she will. If this is new and he is already in the clutches of an OW, you can bet she is out to not only be his mistress but replace u as well. So it w/b wise if you move swiftly but cautiously.

Get a plan and move forward. Start out with plan A, don't dwell too long there and if he is still a WS, execute plan B.

L.

Go to the just found out section of this forum and read The Carrott and the Stick of Plan A by Pep. Read the links included as well. You will get a lot of good information there.

Part of the stick- is exposure. Do not let that frighten you - there are several current threads where folks did not expose and now are paying for that with their spouse back in the affair.

Also, because they work together, one of them will have to change jobs- there must be no further contact for life. No, this is not easy. My FWS's dad is having heart cath on Monday. We can not even go because it is at the hospital where the OW works. It is what you have to do.

read as much as you can on the site- read Surviving an Affair by Dr, Harley. Make sure your MC is pro marriage even after an affair- some are not.

Stina, like the others said, you should read as much as you can in order to understand what you are dealing with. A good start would be: How To Deal with Infidelity http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

When you confront him, I would ask for the following very important things: [these are critical to your recovery of your marriage]

1. Absolute no contact for life. He should never ever see or speak with the OW again. Even if it means a new job or moving to a new state

2. Ask him to send her a no contact letter. This is a good will gesture to you. It should be written together, approved by you and mailed by you. [sample below]

3. He should open up his life to you in all aspects by staying in constant touch, giving you cell phone passwords, etc. You should have access to everything at all times

Here is a good article about what it will take: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I would also suggest installing a keylogger on his computer while you have the chance. This will give you an opportuntity to VERIFY that contact really has ended and will give you enormous peace of mind. A good one is www.actmon.com. If you want to email me at my link below I can help you install this.

Sample NO CONTACT letters


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Do you know who the OW is? Is she married? If so, you will also want to notify her H of the affair so he can watch things from that end and save his marriage too.

Stina -

Glad you made it over here. I hope you have not emailed him to confront him. You have till Thursday to get a plan ready.

If the office manager/OW is married, you can figure out how to expose this to her husband.

Melody and Believer,
Unfortunately, I do know who the OW is. It's amazing, at their company Christmas party, she was the one who drank to much and was throwing herself at all the men there without their spouses. I even remember thinking that I needed to keep an eye on her as she might be trouble. Silly me, I trusted my husband so much that I didn't keep an eye on things.

I don't believe she's married, in fact, I'm almost 100% sure of it. However, I'd love to just kick her, because she is fully aware that I exist. The night of the Christmas party, I was the one who insisted we drive her home so she wouldn't drive herself. I'm an idiot I guess.

I haven't confronted him, in fact, he sent me an e-mail this morning to let me know that he'd made it to Japan ok. I just deleted it and didn't send anything back to him. We'll see if he writes again later this week.

I don't intend to confront him until Friday morning at our MC session. I want to be able to see the look on his face when he knows he's been caught and how much he's hurt me.

I guess I'm curious the best way to tell him that he has to end all contact with the OW for life. While I definitely want it to end, I also want to make sure I do/say it in a way that it doesn't push him into her arms anymore than he already is.

Also, I was curious what you guys think...this last week before I found out, things between me and my husband were much different than they had been in past months. He and I talked more, had fun together, he even called me "sweetie", something he hadn't done in months. He also talked about how frustrated he was at work and that he was going to hire a head hunter to help him look for a new job. I also know that he sent his resume off to an old co-worker to give at that company to see if they were interested in my husband. Could he be trying on his own to end the relationship with the OW??? Wouldn’t it defeat the purpose of having a relationship with her if he is no longer working with her? I would think that changing jobs would just make having a relationship with the OW more difficult.

Any thoughts?
STINA

My FWS's A ended before I found out. The month between the A ending and me discovering it, you would have thought we were on our honeymoon. It was wonderful.

Maybe he did end it already BUT if they are still working together it is highly unlikely that it will not start up again.

Exposure should still be made at work.

STINA, one can never know, but it sounds like he may be trying to end his affair. But that really means very little, because affairs can be very volatile. They are often addictive and the WS has trouble ending it, which usually results in an on-again, off again affair. They are unstable relationships based on a fantasy.

The best way to tell him he has to end contact with the OW for life, is to tell him that your marriage cannot recover unless he ends all contact for life. Ask that he send her a no contact letter that you write together ending all contact.

I would go to MC fully armed with all the material I gave you above. Perhaps you could even speak to the MC beforehand and let her know your plans.

Print this up and take it with you:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

The OW may be blackmailing your H ... and so he's looking for another company to work for as he's trying to sneak out the back door of the affair, tail between his legs .... it's possible



Pep

All,
Interesting that you should mention that A’s are unstable relationships based on fantasy. When he first became distant with me (my guess is that’s when the affair started so mid February), one of the things he said to me (after our 6.5 year relationship) was that he was trying to figure out what the “reality” of our relationship was.

As for no contact – I know that is what has to happen, it’s what I want and need – I don’t think I can stomach him being anywhere near her, however, if this A is still “going strong” won’t his initial reaction be to run right to the OW when I “lay down the law”??

I believe that he’d quit his job, but unfortunately, we can’t leave the state. The reason we moved here 5 years ago was to be near his son, who is now 13 and lives with his mom. H could definitely find a new job, he’s really good at what he does, but he’d never leave the state and I don’t think I’d want to push him to do that…we’d have to leave his son behind. So I don’t know if NC to the point of moving out of state is possible.

However, on a similar note, last weekend, H expressed interest in selling our house and moving to another city about 20 miles from here. Our current home is already 1.5 hours from where OW lives and works, an extra 20 miles would then make her close to 2 hours away.

And as for the OW – I guess I don’t understand how any “love” he feels for her could be real. It took H over a year before he realized he loved me…how could he feel real love for her in only 3 months???

Wouldn’t surprise me if the OW was blackmailing him. She knows as well as he does that the knowledge of this affair would/has/did break my heart. This is also the woman who drank excessively at the company Christmas party and threw herself at the men there. Only reason she didn’t throw herself at my H was because I was right there. I'd love to just throttle her (and don't think I don't feel the same way about my husband), but I know I need to focus any and all energy on my husband and trying to save our marriage.

((( Stina )))

So very sorry this is happening to you.

Please listen to the wise people here. They will guide you through this.

I know it hurts like heck, hon. But, it will get better. Are you able to take any meds to help you ? These will help you alot.

Keep posting and keep listening to the experts here.

Bless you, carnation

Carnation,

Thank you so much for your comforting words - they mean the world to me.

I just figured this all out on Friday...I think I'm probably still in shock and of course, I'm consumed with trying to figure out how to make this right. In the few months prior to the A starting, I felt like WH and I were closer and more connected than ever before.

So no, I'm not taking anything right now, but I am thinking about talking to MC about whether or not I should. My heart is absolutely shattered. Love right now is not anything I feel, just something I know in my head and even that is on shaky ground right now.

Thanks...