Well, I've been reading stories of people here who have moved on after the D and are excited by love again.

I am "over" the XWH, in part because his mistreatment drained the LBank and in part because I really believe he is incapable of having a good R and M and treating someone well.

However, I'm not over "it" -- the damage, the hurt, it's like a scar that will never go away and I carry a heaviness inside me. It's been far too long since the D for me to still feel this way. It's like a permanent heaviness that I carry around and I'll never be the same.

I've done everything I can think of, and now I'm even going back on ADs and still doing IC. I waited over a year to date, then 've dated (ended things or been dumped), not dated, spent more time with friends, worked on hobbies and things I've always wanted to do, etc, etc. The pain is still there. It's not about the X, it's the trauma he put me through. I'm not a weak person and always thought I could get through everything, but this is somehow different.

Any advice on how to get past this experience? Thanks

everyone's time table is different. I will tell you the book I tell everyone else about REBUILDING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS BY BRUCE FISHER. It helps you get through all of the steps, everything you are feeling. Getting over the damage, etc. Good book.

You go to IC, sounds to me like you are doing the right things. Maybe reading this book will just help you to be able to let the rest of it all go.

good luck, mlhb

That's a very good question, and I have not yet found the answer. I've been divorced for a bit over two years now, and I'm in a semi-serious dating relationship, and my ex-husband was an alcoholic/addict, and the divorce was the best thing I could have ever done for myself - removing myself from the toxic relationship/marriage and moving on with the rest of my life. BUT, I too still feel those scars to this day. Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself that I will never be the same after divorce - that I will always feel hurt and cheated, etc. I figure it this way - the relationship I had for almost two decades with my ex-husband is part of my history, both the good and the bad, and those memories will never go away. How I choose to deal with that history that is going to determine my future. I don't know if that helps you, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

[quote]I am "over" the XWH, in part because his mistreatment drained the LBank and in part because I really believe he is incapable of having a good R and M and treating someone well.
Any advice on how to get past this experience? Thanks [quote]
No advice, but you've put into words how I feel.
Sometimes I think it's about forgiveness. I should forgive him in my heart - for me - not for him and then perhaps I will get past this.
I don't feel the overwhelming sense of burden or negativity, but I don't feel I have the energy for a relationship, nor the trust in my own judgement about a person. (Not that anyone's knocking on the door).
I think seeing an IC is a great idea and will help you understand.
Good luck. We all move along at our own pace.
My friends mourn the loss of the "family unit". I never had that to mourn, and I miss giving that to my children. The family of 3 concept is getting old to them.

Hi (((((NTS)))))) I do like your name, I smiled & thought 'Never the Same' equals 'Even Better'.

I do understand your feelings.

I have started a newer way for myself, though I am still in the Marriage with my former offender.

Now rather than bury any feelings that come.
I allow them flow through me, the good & the negative.

They are my feelings, they are neither right nor wrong just are.

If I feel like it I cry, & I laugh too.

My hardest most difficult emotion was anger & still is at times. I was lucky in that I learnt anger was just a symptom of a core hurt or sense of injustice against me. So I looked deeper into my soul when I feel specific anger at what it is that is truly hurting or bothering me.

Lately I have come to realise, yes I am angry at the abuse my husband meeted me, I am more angry at my OWN inaction.

That I hurt myself in allowing myself be victim of my own situation, by not loving & respecting myself enough at different times to NOT tolerate cruelty.

I am 3years out from the deepest slashing of my life, when I discovered my husband's complete history. That our live's had been a complete fantasy bubble for 20 years.

Facing reality has been great & shattering.
It has given me a clean slate that I now know my options & am very free to chose how I am being.

What I am doing for myself now, is allowing those feelings come & go. When I experience them for the fullness of what the are I go through the anguish much more quickly. That is if which I have tried to do over the years bury them or ignore them they eventually erupt in much fuller force that does often overwhelm me, so now when I have any feelings at all I allow them flow as they are felt in the moment & I find sometimes that does require me to go my private place & let my tears flow freely or simply reach into my current life & enjoy the beauty of what I have & who I am.

I do find the feelings are not lessening in intensity, they are changing in cause & direction & length. The more I search myself for my own motivations the more I understand & accept who I am now & why I did as I did in my past. & hopefully how much better I will be tomorrow, next week, next year & in the next decade.

I don't know if it is truly possible to let go of our pasts. I am more in the mind frame as putting it into a huge learning curve that caused massive losses (that did not kill me) & opportunities to learn more about myself that I may have been afraid & unaware to look into prior.

I still would never have chosen this road purposefully, yet I am on it, so I must decide how to trek it in the most comfortable way possible while enjoying the route.

I am holding the beauty & innocence of my young daughter in my arms at the moment. While I look at her with absolute love I know that I will do everything in my power to protect her & in doing so I will overcome my own obstacles, so she will grow with a healthy attitude of her own worth & life.

Peace be with you.

Best wishes,
Ktulu

IC is good, AD... I'm sooo against...

What helped me... Acceptance - my past (with him), my new life (with my son and myself), and - my scars (once you accept them as your eternal 'followers' through the rest of your life, you'll see they are not so heavy anymore, they are just reminder what you should and should not do again, i.e. they can become nice friends too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pushing away the pain makes them hit you back even stronger.
Accept it, live it, love it, for that pain is part of you... so you HAVE to love them, as you have to love yourself first.

So, the first step in (any) healing is - love and respect yourself.

So nice... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(My son helped me a lot, I have to say... His needing the mom, his love, and me unconditionally loving him... He made me fighting to have a healthy mother, and once a healthy mother it was easier to be a healthy woman... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

We need to become emotionally healthy adults to model this behavior for our children.


(Regardless of what they see in the other home). Our children see the disconnects between what their fathers say and what they actually do. The children "get it" when we won't accept it.

Hi, new to this forum and still trying to get past the anger, mostly at myself, for staying in a situation with a women who never committed and lied constantly. Now the anger we're dealing with is hers about me walking away.

At some point, I know I need to just accept that she is just a self-absorbed person. How do you deal with someone who still wants to fight when the marriage is over and she is the one who wanted it to end?

Seems like she gets some pleasure out of beating me up for her poor decisions and I have a hard time not fighting back.

Any thoughts or advice? When does the abuse stop without me defending myself?

Welcome, lonebuck,

Does this mean your divorce has already taken place?

LA