I’m at the point where I really don’t want to put any more effort into luring back my F(?)WW. She has put so little effort into recovering. She still can’t even begin to tell me what was missing. Says she never knew she was unhappy until she met OM. She claims to be remorseful but rarely seems it. She refuses to leave her job where she sees OM everyday, supposedly as friends only now. The only reason I haven’t filed for divorce is the kids, there are two, 3 and 7 months (yes, she had the affair while pregnant, and yes, I have verified the baby is mine).

I started seeing an IC right after D-day, and I remember being so sad and telling the IC that I didn’t want the life of a divorced Dad. It seemed so awful to me. Nine months later, that life looks pretty damned attractive to me. Is divorced life really that bad? I would still have plenty of time with my DDs, just sans spouse. I would have my own place and start to move past this nightmare.

So I ask you, why bother chasing someone who clearly is no longer interested in you? It’s demeaning, depressing, and at this point, seems fruitless.

Mr_C, instead of just throwing in the towel, why don't you try and bust up this affair? If you can bust up the affair and get your wife out of there, your marriage has a chance.
You are giving up way too fast. You have excellent opportunities here to save your marriage if you will just use them.


This is because she WAS NOT unhappy with you until she met the OM. She is in the throes of an addictive affair, which is a fantasy. She is just doing what all fogged out WS's do by rewriting history. But after they get through withdrawal, they no longer believe this nonsense.

You need to view her just as you would a falling down drunk and dont take the things she says seriously. Just know that her affair is like alcohol and once she dries out, she will be back to normal. But you have to get to work here, MrC, and bust up this affair or she won't ever withdraw.

Your children's mother is in a flipped out state right now. She is risking their future family life and well being. You are the only one standing up for them.

Please try to hang in here longer.

"So I ask you, why bother chasing someone who clearly is no longer interested in you? It’s demeaning, depressing, and at this point, seems fruitless."

You aren't chasing when you choose your marriage. You're half the marriage. Listen to Mel...why bother? Because only you determine that you did everything possible to save your marriage, keep your family intact, so you can look back and know this, without regret.

So can your children.

LA

Just think about how silly that sounds. How can a person be unhappy and "never know it?" If that isn't the definition of the fog bound rewriting history, I don't know what is. Your W is extremely fogged out and confused, MrC.

Have you spoken to the OMW again?

I'm trying to bust it up. I exposed to OMW and we are starting MC with SH. I have been unsuccessful in getting her to leave, but maybe SH can do it. I did get her to see to my point about her working there with him being very disrespectful to me, so maybe I'm wearing her down. She says that she and OM don't have many personal conversations, and when they do, it's about family. I told her that's exactly how the A started, and I have no reason to believe it won't start again. As far as getting a new job, she just has no self-confidence, doesn't believe she can get an equivalent job. I said it wouldn't kill her to get some resumes out there and just see what happens, she agreed, but I doubt she'll do anything about it.

Which plan is it when you say leave the job or I'm filing? I don't see where that fits in MB.

No, I left OMW my phone # and email but she has not been in touch. Also, W is not upset with me anymore about exposing. Sort of makes me wonder if OM was somehow able to smooth things over, although it sure seemed like OMW believed me at the time. When I asked W about how it is going for them, she said they are working through it, but she doesn't know any of the details. Yeah, sure you don't...

MrC, the Plan is called "marital recovery," because as Dr. Harley says, recovery is IMPOSSIBLE unless contact ends.

You have lots of opportunies here you have not used. You have only taken a little stab at exposure and have many other opportunities that could possibly result in getting her out of there.

Great exposure targets are Human Resources, her boss, his boss, her parents, your parents and even HIS parents. The pressure of a workplace exposure often impels one of the infidels to leave their job. Sometimes the company will take it upon themselves to seperate or FIRE them. In my company, they are escorted to the parking lot by a security guard after being fired on the spot.

MrC, by not exposing this affair, you are enabling it by keeping their secret. Please get to work here. You started off well, but you can't just give up after one step.

Also, have you stayed in touch with the OMW?

The OM has successfully lied his way out of this, I assure you. He probably told her they were just "friends" and you are a jealous, abusive psycho who mistreats her.

So, that means the heat is off from that quarter and if she can shut you up, they can resume their affair with no interference. She knows you kept her secret before [helping the affair thrive]; she is counting on that again.

This is why it is important to not give up and not to just do a "little" exposure. Exposure should be like a TSUNAMI, not a big beach wave from which the affairees can easily recover.

LA,
You're right of course, but why does one half of the marriage get to go completely bonkers and it's totally up to the sane half to do EVERYTHING to save it. It's so unfair.

My W betrayed my kids far more than she betrayed me with her actions, and I simply can't believe I can't get her to see that.

Heck yes, it is unfair- but do you want to say I give up? Are you a quitter?

Get in there and fight.

Start that fight by doing a fullfledged exposre.

Without exposing the bosses at work you are ALLOWING it to continue.

Do you want to ALLOW it to keep going?

Her parents know. My parents know. I've talked to all of them. Should I get in touch with OMW again? Or is that a lost cause?

I guess the only place that doesn't know is work's HR, but I bet they suspect. I think most companys treat affairs as private matters. Her work friends know, and I've even talked to them about it. They share the same boss and I haven't talked to her about it. I think I would rather see if SH can talk her into leaving than risk talking to her boss. I really don't think she would forgive me for that.

Some companies have a huge problem with workplace affairs; mine sure does. And even if they don't, just the exposure creates great conflict in the affair. Exposure RUINS affairs.

I think one of the reasons this affair has gone on for so long is because you have helped them hide this secret at work and from his W.

And yes, she will forgive you for exposure. Your marriage CAN survive some temporary anger, it CAN'T survive her affair. So you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Without some more pressure put on the affair, it is unlikely it is going to end.

I would certainly try and stay in touch with the OMW, but I suspect that may be a lost cause because the OM has probably fooled her into thinking they are "friends."

What exactly do her parents know? Has she lied to her parents about being just "friends?"

In-laws are aware it was an affair, and they think it is over and she is just messed up from it now. I told them this week that I believe it is ongoing.

Apparently she told them in October that it was an affair but it was over and they told her to go fix her marriage, and forget her feelings for him. She hasn't gone to them for comfort since. In-laws told me that they wouldn't blame me a bit if I ended at this point. They are very disappointed in her and outraged. However, they have not told her this. They are looking to me to tell them what to do to help. They don't seem willing to help me convince her to leave her job though.

That is because it is YOUR JOB to do this. The buck stops WITH YOU and only you. I get the sense that you want someone else to do the heavy lifting on this. No one is going to do that, MrC. The responsibility for doing that ultimately falls to YOU.

We can help you, Steve Harley might help you, but the man in the mirror has the ultimate responsibility.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Wow, you make it sound like I haven't done anything. I've told everyone except her company. What if I do that and it gets me nothing except W's anger? I guess you're right though, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Could I do it anonymously? It probably wouldn't be very believable that way. I'd like to hear from others who have done this.

No, I know very well that you have done something. But you can't just give up now. Expose the affair where it counts, and KEEP doing it until it is ended.

There is a strong chance that workplace exposure might just be the impetus to get her out of there.

And you are right, you can't do it anonymously. That would not be credible.

Is the OM her peer at work?

So, let me make sure I have this straight. You're willing to let go of the marriage, lose your wife to a predator, become a weekend father, and just let the family be wrecked rather than expose to your wife's workplace and bust up this adultery because she may not forgive you? And then…oh, this is a good one…your adulterous wife says she has no confidence she can find another job and you accept that as a legitimate excuse to NOT end the adultery? WHAT???

C, marriages survive embarrassment every day. They do not survive adultery unless the betrayed spouse is willing to fight the obscenity in every way they can. Your wife won’t forgive you for exposing the adultery to her boss? Excuse me? Let’s accept that, purely for the purposes of discussion even if it is NOT true. Tell me. If you’re considering divorce, just what the h3ll do you lose by exposing, by making one more attempt? If she doesn’t “forgive” you, as you are afraid she won’t, and starts immediate divorce action, you’re no worse off than what you’re contemplating right now.

Look C, you need to re-expose and you need to do it as soon as humanely possible. Go see the OMW. Don’t call and leave your number. Go sit down with your in-laws and tell them your wife has not ended the adultery. Specifically ask them to intercede with your adulterous wife, not just disapprove privately. Write a calm, fact-filled letter to your adulterous wife’s boss (or Human Resources Director, as appropriate) and spell things out for him or her. Write that letter out tonight, C. Send it by registered mail or, better yet, take it to the applicable person on Monday morning. Don’t make any excuses to yourself or to your wife. Just do it. You’re in a fight to recover your marriage and you don’t owe any apologies to anyone.

Quite avoiding doing the tough things, C, or you’re going to lose everything. It’ll be easier now to just give up…at least you’ll think it is…and you’ll have a lifetime left over for the regret. I’ll be blunt. If you expose, you can separate the two adulterers and salvage your marriage. If you wimp out, you lose your marriage and you get to see your kids on a handful of holidays and some weekends. I've been THERE, mister. It's h3ll on earth. What are you going to choose, C?

Well said, LH. I do feel silly now about not being willing to expose at work and being willing to end the marriage.

I exposed the OMW in person, and I know she believed me at the time but most of my evidence was admission from my wife, I didn't have much concrete evidence. I think OM might have put a spin on it.
ML,
They are peers at work.

Mr C--this stuff is hard, but are you willing to be the hero here? As others have said, what do you have to lose, and in fact, you have a lot to gain! There are so many of us who have walked this road and you will get a lot of support here. Steve Harley is going to help more than you can imagine. His counseling was our life raft. He will be in your corner and will guide you in your fight. I know that you want to be able to say to yourself and your children that you did every possible thing you could to save the M. If it does not work, you can know that you fought the good fight, you were a hero in your own life and your children's. You CAN do it!