His current wife was not on the scene until several years after our divorce. She was NOT one of the women w/ whom he had his emotional affairs.

She does not want to take my place as their mother.

I sort of like her. We could possibly be friends except so many things would not be good to share w/ her.

However, Mother's Day is next weekend.

I do appreciate the fact that she loves my children. She supports x in having good relationship w/ his children. She does not stand in the way of that. She thinks I am a good mother - even if we don't always agree on things.

I think I need to express some appreciation for her willingness to love the children. (Granted they are currently 13 and 15 - she and x married about 5+ years ago.) Currently, money is a big issue for me.

What do you think is appropriate?

why not just a nice card that says thank you in it and maybe a handful of inexpensive yet pretty flowers? if i were her that would be thoughtful in my opinion. mlhb

I agree, a nice card or a small flower. A handwritten note of your appreciation for treating your children well would likely be well received.
Have you ever been to the comama website. You might get some good ideas for wording there.

I like the ideas. Or, maybe a pound of her favorite coffee - since x doesn't drink coffee.

I like that idea....add a simple hand written note, and I think you have a winner.

Very nice thought Cinderella <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This post totally impresses me. I think a nice card is so very sweet of you and she will think it's very thoughtful.

X does have children get her something so I will save the money. I will get a card and write her a nice note.

She doesn't want to be their mother. But she wants to be a good influence on them. She loves them.

What more could a mother ask?

Very nice she's like that, but more beautiful soul is you, cinderella...
Many (X)spouses could never feel that way for 'new' spouse of their X's, to respect and appreciate (if they deserve, of course)...
I could, I know I could too, but just if she won't be 'her' (ow)... I was working on that too, but gave up... simply cannot forgive her, as I've never forgotten him...
(Btw, it is possible not to forgive but let yourself free. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I do think it's great.
I can't imagine it for me though. I know X's GF treats my kids well. In my mind though, I keep thinking, when is she going to realize he can't keep up the pretense. It's too hard.

I am probably way on down the road in recovery from most people here. X moved out almost 11 years ago. We've been divorced, what, 8 years...they've been married 6 or so. Just guessing. The time doesn't matter any more.

We agreed, early on, that the divorce wasn't about the children. Well, I wouldn't swear on a stack of Bibles that it wasn't but that is my x's issue.....he said, before we started attempting to conceive the first time, that he thought we should have two daughters - so he wouldn't have to do the guy stuff......so, he has some issues. I think the precious little boy caused some of x's issues to rise to the surface. But, that doesn't enter into the discussion on where we are today.

So, if this woman loves my children, it is THE CHILDREN'S best interest for me to do all I can to like her, respect her, and get along with her. After all, if I don't treat her with respect, she is likely to be disrespectful to me in their presence.

I have issues with some of the choices she has made in raising her own children and with her children's choices being forced upon my children. However, there is comfort in knowing those children do live several hours away and my children don't see them often.

So, until I have reason not too, I will respect Mary. I think having her in my x's life may have made my relationship better....the happier he is, the better he treats me.

My actions are a reflection on me. And my children are watching those actions.

Whew, several years ago, I might not have said all that.

cinderella~

I think you show maturity/growth in your choice to give appreciation for x's w.

If my case were different, I "hope" I could do as you are.

I have wondered, if he hadn't married ow, [ended up w/someone else] if I would feel different towards the person he was with. I would like to think I would.

You're a good person C!

Karona

i know in my case i would probably feel as you do cind if ex was with anyone but ow. they are not married but if they do marry it will be very hard for me to be ok with my children being around her. after all, what kind of example are either one setting here? that if you decide you are not perfectly happy in your marriage it is ok to find that happiness with someone else even if that someone is married as well (since my ex and his ow were both married at the time) why would i want my kids around that. AND ow has said many times she does not want to have children! she wants none of her own so again why would i want her around mine? know why she wants no kids? because it will "ruin her figure". now that is self absorbed. yes, your body absolutely changes after kids, and i had twins! but i love my kids so much i wouldn't change a thing. yup, gained tons of weight when i was pregnant, but got it all off again. (part of that was because i was unhappy in marriage by that point too) but hey, pregnant with twins, i swear i was hungry all the time LOL but you work at it and get it off again. i would never be so self absorbed that i would give up the miracle of having children just because it would ruin my shape. great example to set for my daughter.

now, if ex ditches ow, meets someone nice and decent (which, no one who is like that in my town would give my ex the time of day knowing what a player he is) i would actually be happy for him. and would not mind my children being around that person. i have a long road ahead of me though until such time that ex ditches ow. not sure how much longer i can keep my kids away from her and her poor example.

so cind, even though i digressed terribly here (LOL) i could see myself being kind like you if ex were with someone who was not ow. and i feel ex can never say anything to me about who i may be with because it is after the fact, there was no om to break up our marriage, and i would never even think of having my kids around anyone that was not going to be a permanent fixture and i would not choose someone who was not a good father already, and who would set a good moral example for my kids. God knows they aren't getting that example from their own flesh and blood father. grrr...

mlhb

{{{cinderella}}}
A handwritten note would be better than anything you could buy. You don't have to be best friends, but building a relationship with X's new wife will be in your kids best interest. I'm glad he married someone who cares about your kids.

Life is not always easy but life is sweet....usually. I've been through enough.

This woman has been kind to me....we can talk honestly about some things - but not all things. In fact, one day we had coffee and talked for almost 2 hrs. A few hours after that, I got life changing bad news (I won't be getting my mom's house to renovate and live in - plans have changed and she is not in agreement w/ the change - and I was totally devastated.) Having no one to whom I could turn, no siblings, friends, anyone, I called x's house and asked her to meet me. I had to have someone tell me I would be ok and the children would too. (There is nothing [i]wrong [/]with my house but mom's would be better - she is living in apt right now.[/b] She was wonderfully kind.

And it would be worse if he were married to someone who broke up my marriage. However, he can't marry himself. You know, narcissists might like that idea.

Here is what I did....

Got a card for children and me to sign for former MIL - I let her son be in charge of whatever the children give her - she is his mother. Daughter gave her a scarf she had knitted for her. Doesn't matter that it is almost summer. Doesn't matter that they aren't colors that Nana would wear. I thought it was beautiful jesture from daughter.

Gave his wife a card - just a note card - thanking her for loving the children and for treating me with respect and dignity.

Spent over half an hour at former MIL/FIL's house - x and his wife were there. As we were leaving, fMIL told me that she prays for me every night. She had earlier said that she has been praying for peace and restoration for all people. It was a nice visit.

Then went to my mom's. Sister wasn't there. We really didn't do anything - just visited and took her a card. What I was going to get for her, my sister just got her. That is ok. I am going to take her to a knitting shop and help her pick out a nice, easy project just for herself.

I had a wonderful day - simply wonderful. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

yeah a nice card with some nice words written in it . this may help both of you to clear a bit of misunderstanding .
you might develop of friendship between you two at the same time also .
someone of you need to make the first step so why not you ??
try to be as sweet as you can !!!

Undertaker, this woman has, for years, treated me with dignity and respect. I believe she knows just how good a job I am trying to do. Her own children were largely raised by her x because she did not feel she was good at mothering. Granted, she has issues.

But, she has stood up for me to my x in front of the children.

I do like her. I do consider her my friend.

During our crisis w/ daughter last year, she was very supportive of me and of the child. Less supportive of her husband, my x.

I think she really appreciated the note.

I think there was a lot hard work and a lot of God-sent miraculous healing in the last year. It was wonderful to sit in the room w/ my x, his wife, his parents, and our children and feel at peace. That was the first time we had ever done that.

Life is sweet!