Here is my short story folks

Me BS, 36yr
WH, 40yr
DS, 5yr
D-Day : Dec 31st, 2003
WH : multiple EA/PA
Married for 10yr
don't know why but still together

Dec 31st, 2003 WH's office party. I have seen them kissing! Him and a co-worker. I was hurt, mad, depressed, hopeful, happy, stupid... I wanted him back so bad! When we decided to get back for our DS sake, I was stupid enough to believe we can make it work. Now after 2+ years I learned that although he claims EA/PA is over and they don't work in the same office anymore, they still see each other, the EA/PA is on and off to their liking. He is now quite open about it and sees it as a normal thing : "Of course we are together for our son and of course I am having my A as I told you I love her!"
I don't know if I was coherent enough. I am tired and lost. I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore!!!!!!
I would appreciate anybody taking time to give me some sort of advice as I have read many interesting threads here. I will try to share my experience with people on this forum hoping they will learn something from my mistakes. Because I know I did a lot!

SW

list your mistakes

list what you learned

let's see 'em !

WELCOME

sorry you need to be here

Pep

I'm sorry to use the reply space to post but I cant figure out where I post my own message.
My husband of 26 years told me 3 days befoe our 26th that he was leaving me and has a girlfriend. It's his highschool GF and she's not a christian and never has been. WE sold our home and each have an apartment. This all happened between March 19 and May 1! I feel like I'm dying the pain is so intense....sometimes I cant even function. HE calls me still and is very tender toward me but then he'll go spend the night with her. Last week he called me twice for lunch...I kept it upbeat and made chitchat....the next day he was with her. She's setting up house at his new apt and wants to live with him. HE says he knows it will work with her. I thought it was working with us! I'm panicked at the thought of her moving in with him. He's not he kind of man who can take care of himself and he hates being alone. I've shared my heart every way I know how and have been very honest which he says touched him deeply yet he returns to her over and over.He doesnt want to make a decisionabout a leagal seperation and he says "its not over with us..he'll tell me if its over", and he doesnt want to risk losing me forever". Is he trying to let me down easy out of guilt or is he really torn?. When i talk to him about the Lord he gets very thoughtful and sometimes teary eyed. This whole thing is so out of character for him....I was calling him several times a day crying and begging him to come back and telling him how sad I am but decided two days ago not to call him...let him call me. I'm willing to see him or just talk but I dont want him to have us both. On the other hand, I fear if I ignore him he'll just be drawn more to her and forget about me. My friend called him with a word from God for him and he cried. Another factor here is that he is an alcoholic who hasnt drank a drop for 26 years and is now drinking. He is a hard core alcohlic when he drinks and I feel his addiction is calling him. Also, he has Hep C and has been is chirrois of the liver for 15 years. His health is really poor...the first of March his Dr talked wiht him about going on a transplant list and he refused. I feel the drinking (he went on a 3 week binge and ended up in the hospital for 5 days) was a suicide mission and this whole thing is a mid life crisis/panick at the thought of dying. He said he has to go figure out what really matteres in his life. He also says he's in love with both of us. What do I do? I cant find plan A plan B here on the site..where is it??? I am so open to reconcile ..Please advise!

Teresa, you will get responses if you start your own thread. People won't be able to see you buried down at the bottom of soul's thread.

To start your own thread, click on the "post" button at the top and past this post into it.

You will get some responses that way. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

First of all thank you for taking your time to answer me!
I don't know if I am aware of all my mistakes but here is what I believe I did wrong:
- I closed my eyes to what happened and rushed into taking him back
- I closed my eyes to the EA and PA trusting that everything can be the way it was before; fatal mistake because I only created a precedent
- I let him be in charge; I wasn't suspicious but only happy when he hat a sudden change of hart and accepted my conditions like nothing happened (I am talking the very first time); I wasn't suspicious when for a while everything turned back to normal, it was just like before; stupid me
- I judged with my heart rather then judging with my head, the signs were all there

SW

OK

good start!


- I closed my eyes to what happened and rushed into taking him back

1. What made closing your eyes the better choice for you?

2. How do you problem-solve with your eyes closed?




let's start there....

Pep

Obviously it didn't help me at all. Or maybe it helped me on the spot, it helped me hear what I wanted to hear at the time, but it did so much damage on the long run

Closing my eyes "helped me" go over all the crying and begging and suffering he was displaying. At one point I even felt I am a bad person for not taking him back. After all he is my H and the father of our son. Wright? Wrong. Now I realize I was just trying to justify my decision to take him back, I overlooked all the facts like they were insignificant I fooled myself into a new lie, into a decision I made before considering the immediate reality. NEVER OVERLOOK FACTS, THINGS THAT HAPPENED! I said to myself I'll give him a chance and I'll make it work. I know it is possible!. And I paid for it!

SW

little girls close their eyes

what do grown adult women do?

Pep

If I would know the right answer I wouldn’t be here probably. I would think face the situation, make rational decisions, don't be afraid of new beginnings, have a plan and stick with it.

awwww come'on

you know the right answer

you just did not impliment the correct decision because of fear

what would you do if you were not afraid?

Pep

It looks like we know things but we don't realize it unless we talk about it. I would file for separation! This is what I would do. But I am afraid. I am afraid I will be alone and I am afraid I am in for an insecure financial future. I am afraid, it is true.

We will talk tonight. I will tell him I am filing for separation.

SW

Just a quick update:
No talk yet. He is out of town for a few days. I am alone now for 2 days and you know what, I feel very peaceful. Alone with my son... This frightening perspective doesn't feel too bad!

SW

... and yes we did talk. The separation agreement is processing as we speak. Somehow I hoped I would be able to get our marriage back on track. I feel guilty because I wasn't able to do it. Feels so bad!
SW

reserve guilt for when you have earned it by deliberately doing something you knew beforehand was wrong

Pep

He will move out at the end of this month. Now that we now what is next it feels like we are normal peoples again!!! We have normal conversations and it feels good. Accepting the situation I believe gave us some sort of direction. It is not what I wanted but there is nothing I can do about it. At least for now! I feel like he is uncomfortable with this decision as well.

So do you have a legal agreement that will protect you and your child financially?

Hi B,
I do have one now. I know that is very important but right now it feels secondary. I know I did this mistake before judjing with my heart instead of my head and I am trying not to do it again.

SW

What are you going to do between now and the end of the month?