I have been feeling very very miserable and blue the past two weeks...

My bible study group has broken up as half of its members are migrating to another church...

My best friend has gone on vacation in Europe...

I have no one to talk to except the cat...

I am even starting to miss my stbxh... uggh! he is probably out with some young chick getting some uggh ughh
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Not only have I lost my stbxh, I have lost my dear MIL and stbxh's cousins, who are all very dear to me.

I told my bible study group that I am divorcing... and it all came out wrong... I realise that there is a lot of hurt buried inside me, and I don't know what to do about it... I feel very ashamed.

Generally I avoid men who may seem available, because I am so afraid my hurt will show... I have very little trust in men in general... I am so afraid, I am not myself pre DDay... I feel I have no control over how the D has affected me.

When will I really get through this and how? Some days I feel happy and am moving on... some days I feel I have fallen apart again and picking up the pieces is begining to feel tiresome.

I am begining to wonder how stbxh is doing... any regrets about the marriage/divorce.. does he feel the loss that I feel... or is he happily moving on? Misery loves company. I would definitely feel better if he is feeling just as lonely and sad, and regrets his As, regrets the way he has neglected me all throughout our marriage. I have a feeling I will never know...

Are you seeing an IC? If not, it may be something you should try.
Also, can you find a local Separated/Divorce Support Group? Mine was invaluable to me in surviving and progressing through the pain.

I would say just about every emotion you described is about right on.....normal for divorce. You are going to have good days and not so good days, just like when you were married.

Eventually you will come to see that being alone is sometimes a really good thing. If you can be happy with yourself than you can eventually find happiness with someone else.

You are not even divorced yet, so I wouldn't even think about dating for awhile. Do the things you like to do, plan treats for yourself........

There are really good divorce care groups in the churches to attend. I went to mine twice, once in the fall and then in the spring. It really helped me more than I can say.

I am four years out of a twenty year relationship, 16 married to him, and I am just now feeling healed enough to think about dating. It's far to easy to just start with someone new because you are feeling so vunerable and down. Take the time to find you again. Things will get better in time.,

Hope I was some help!

I have a few ideas, RuffledNOT.
1. Find two new groups to join. A Bible study and another one.
2. Consider joining a gym. This is a great way to get used to being around men without actually committing yourself to interacting with them. Men look lots less scary when you see them wilting on the treadmill.
3. Go out and get that song “She Let Herself Go” I don’t know who sings it. But the lyrics are great. “How was he to know/she’d let her self go… to Vegas… buy a car/drive to the beach he always said was too far… to New York city/come back knock-out pretty.”
4. Follow the song and go do something you always wanted to do, but couldn’t when you were with stbx. It’s empowering. I remember buying some earrings with teeny tiny diamonds. They were discounted, but brand new. I was in charge!

Get outside! The sunlight, flowers and fresh air will do you well. Walk or garden to exhaustion - you won't have time to worry.
Life is a blessing every day. Enjoy each little blessing you can find.
Put your hand out in front of you and immediately think of 5 blessing you have - then when you get sad, look at your hand and think of others.
To start:
Family, friends, children, a home, health

Thank you all, for your responses.
Sometimes I don't get responded to at all and it becomes even more depressing.

I have tried IC, but it is really costly and counsellors are few. The ones that I have been to basically subscribe to what I presume is the 'older' school of thought, that is to uncover the past (and sometimes, it is really the PAST ie OVER and I do not need to keep digging at old wounds).

The last IC I went to was about a year ago-- tears just keep coming non stop at his office, he sent me home with ADs. I was more depressed when I stepped out of the office than before! The ADs are still in the fridge. I would much prefer someone who will guide me in taking positive steps towards my own recovery.

I've looked for Divorce Care around my area and the nearest church, believe it or not, is in the neighbouring country and they do not hold DC courses anymore. So I copied the entire workbook and am doing it on my own.

There is a divorced/widow support group-- the only one in town. It is more of a social group than support group, so I don't attend very often. Most of the members are way outside my age group... much, much older. Less open.

Yes, I am going to try a new bible study group. And the 'other' group-- err, Scrabble is on every Saturday downtown, so maybe that.

I've signed up for a short class this weekend-- island photography. So maybe I'll have a good break-- don't need to go back to the office till Wednesday. I'll try to leave my troubles at home and bring back some good pictures.

I read something useful by Pitman last night:

"Between marriages, people should get experience in guilt, blame, self-loathing, loneliness, desperation, independence, and enough reality to appreciate whoever is willing to give a little love. And they shouldn't marry anybody who hasn't gone through the same."

And much of what you say is true-- this is just a rough patch. I'll wait it out.

Thank you again, I love you all for listening and lending support.
Ruffled

Greengables~

1) I'd really like to bum around in Europe... eat pizza in Italy, visit vineyards in France, drive around in a small car with windows down (and my hair stay perfect of course).

2) I'd really like to do children's books illustration. I'm not trained in that area, but it's a long time dream.

3) What's that song? She let herself go? Okay! I must say I am always guarded, rarely 'let myself go'!

4) I bought the most beautiful laced bag yesterday. Can't wait to show it off!!

... and when how do i know if this is a mid-life crisis or just being plain miserable for a while?

I remember crying in the IC's office and she kept saying that this was good. I was releasing the feelings, mourning the marriage, and I could only get better by actually feeling and not hiding my emotions.

You will get through this. Keep taking all the right steps. Nothing ever happens on our timeline - God controls the timeline.

I’m thinking about the widows/divorcee club. It’s a social club mostly. This is good. It sounds like you need friends as much as anything else. Older ladies may be less open, but they know a thing or two. And, since the club has turned into a social club, my guess is these ladies are survivors—just the kind of people you want to surround yourself with right now.

Therapy is nasty hard work, and depression stinks. I know. I’ve suffered from it off and on since I was very young. I remember the first time I didn’t “feel good”: I was eight or nine. Sometimes I’ve been on ADs in conjunction with therapy. That worked well for me. The ADs can help you through the pain so you can do the therapy. They are a temporary crutch that enables you to do the hard work of getting whole.

I love the Italy idea, especially with the perfect hair. Roman Holiday, huh? But, if money is tight, illustrating a children’s book may be the place to start. The great thing is, you can do the illustrations and then, write the story. Or write the story and then illustrate.

ADs can be used for situational depression. Don't discount their benefit. They may be just what you need right now. (if the sunlight, exercise and drawing don't help).

Owww... this is hard work. Greengables, newly, I cried a lot during our three-year separation. But there were also good days and laughter. What I need to know is, will one heal without a counselor?

As for ADs, I will take them if supervised by someone I trust, ie counselor/psychiarist.

Greengables, newly,

I have happy news!

I went on a long weekend with the photo group of the local nature society. It was a group of twenty nine people, quite a good mix of men and women, and I took 160 photos-- the most I have taken in one outing!

I enjoyed the group's company, especially the head of the group, a seventy-one year old man who had lots of stories and jokes. He had a lot of ghost stories to tell and spooked all the girls, including me till we yelled stop! stop! else we couldn't sleep. He was quite a charmer, and on the last day, we had a birthday bash-- for MOI!

I turned forty two days ago. We had a big scumptious lunch and a huge birthday cake for me... and more photos. I was really touched as this is my first outing with the group. It felt good to be liked, not judged. It felt good when members of the group asked for my phone number and email addy to maintain contact. It felt good that the coordinator told me I was good company and wanted me on the next trip. It felt good when everyone took turns to wish me happy birthday and hugged me or shook my hands. I was really, really happy that day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It felt good to sleep in a room with four other girls. I have been alone for what feels like the longest time, and it felt so good to be amongst people... without the stress of work, of course! It felt good to be tired every night, and knocked out once the lights go off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Only thing is... my photos didn't turn out well. Gotta read the manual now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

***

What I realise from this trip.. I have to make the EFFORT to meet people and socialize. Once I am with company, I do okay. I've been a loner since I was a child. Socializing doesn't come naturally to me. STBXH is the opposite. He knows everyone who lives on the block... me, I only know those who live on my floor.

I must make it a point to do some group activity every two weeks or so. I think I'd be okay then.

Oh btw, stbxh called last week. He said he has been angry and regretful the last few months, about the breakdown of the marriage. I couldn't feel anything because he wouldn't elaborate. I yearned to hear something like that in the first two years that we separated. But I want to move on now.

Yes, I believe many people heal on their own. I also believe others keep ignoring the core problems because they are so painful to address. So, should you see a counselor? That's up to you. I do think an IC can help speed up the healing process and help where people are blocked.

I haven't seen an IC in a while. However, I have an appt. tonight with DD's IC to help ME better deal with X and his demands. I figure the IC knows the family sitch already, and will likely cut to the chase quickly. I haven't been reading as much as I did in the beginning, but I bought a ton of books at the discount book store. I just recently found a Forgiveness Workbook which I really need to begin.

I bumped into stbxh's cousin while picking up my cat.

He offered to take care of my cat the next time I go away. I was too afraid of my own emotions... I am not sure about keeping contact with my x's family.

My plan is to cut all ties.

It's easy for me as we don't have children. But emotionally, I am still far from being okay as I still hurt.

"Only thing is... my photos didn't turn out well. "
Now, you have a group of friends who will share their photos with you.

I did use a DSG (Separated/Divorce Support Group)after X left. It was the best thing for me. I met a great friend there too. Just having a place to go once a week and get a hug, and be able to cry openly was helpful. That was only one of the gifts sent from God to help me through the rough time. This group planned dinners out. Went out for Birthdays, went to comedy clubs, etc. No dating, just getting out with friends. It was great for me as I have no family in my area and felt very alone. I no longer can attend, but I keep in touch with the people who helped me most. And saw everyone at a friend's mother's funeral. Sometimes we just need to be around people. I have that in church now too.

Counselor/therapist is $180 an hour.

It's okay if I know how the counselor/therapist work. Most time, when I make an appointment, there's no opportunity for a look-see to see if we are suited for each other without a $180 down.

I am sure different therapists have different styles. How do I 'shop around' without having to spend hundreds before I find the right one?

Oh hey.. you're reading my post right now... hellooooo

thanks for holding my hand while I was down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />