I've read some great letters regarding Plan B. Does anyone have any letters so I can gather my thoughts about presenting Plan A to my WS? She's been having an affair for about a year, all her co-workers know it (the affair is with a co-worker), her best friend, brother, and mother know it. She wants me to keep it secret but she moved out into her own apartment 3 weeks ago after I confronted her 4 weeks ago. She couldn't take the pressure and said "I need my space". She still sees him at work but I have no idea if there is other communication. I do not think she's still having a PA with him at this time. We have 2 girls, 14 & 12, who are angry and confused as to what their mom is going to do. I need advice!

She told the girls she loves me and still wants to be married. How do I tell her "no contact" in a loving, gentle way so that she wants to come home? If I contact his wife or employer, would that force them together since she has her own apartment? She's not speaking to me (out of shame and embarrasement, I think) so I don't want to do anyhthing worse! Please help!

She moved out so she could carry on her affair unimpeded. She is hoping you will keep this a secret because she understands that exposure is ruinous to affairs. By accommodating her wishes, you are enabling the affair.

Plan A, just as with Plan B, is something that you execute on a SOLO basis. The WS should NEVER hear the term Plan A. Plan A is a plan designed to bust up the affair - versus accomodating it as you are now - through a 2 part strategy. One part is to bust up the affair through exposure and making the WS face the consequences of her affair. [not keeping her secrets, in other words]

The second part is to attract her back by avoiding lovebusters and making sure she understands the door is left open.

I am going to link you to a few articles, but the best thing you can do is get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley TODAY and read it as fast as you can so you can bring yourself up to speed.

Here is an article about Plan A and Plan B and below is a good outline written by Pepperband:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Is the OM married? If so, expose to his wife.

Have you exposed them at work?

Who has told these people? Has SHE told them? If so, I assure you it was a highly spun version with you starring as SATAN. This is why exposure needs be done BY YOU. That way the CORRECT, TRUE story gets out there.

Has the affair been exposed to Human Resources? Her boss? His boss? Is this OM married? If so, has his wife been told?


It is very probable that the affair has advanced to a physcial affair. This is why she moved out. If you have her apt watched, you will likely find he is seeing her there.


Yes, they are confused and need to be told the truth. Children can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They are in desperate need of moral guidance and this can only be done if you tell them the truth. They are entitled to know what is happening in their own lives.


They already ARE together. And will stay that way as long as you continue to drive the get-away car for them. You are ENABLING their affair and contributing to the demise of TWO families by doing so. You will never get you wife back by trying to APPEASE her.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?? It seems you are not on your own side by your actions, but on the side of the AFFAIR!

Get to work, my friend! Before you lose your marriage. You are all that your girls have; do something!

Oh wait, I see that he was already given all this same advice by others a few weeks ago. Did you take ANY of that advice, seperated?

I wasn't given this advice a few weeks ago; it's been less than a week. I took everyone's advice and ordered SAA. It should be in tomorrow. I'll study and read it thoroughly before I start Plan A. I'm lining up my contacts (hospital admin and his wife) and will contact them after I read the book.

seperated, you can start exposing before you read the book. I would make a list of all key exposure targets and plan to do them as close together as you possibly can. The reason for this is because a) you want your exposure to have the maximum impact and b) you don't want to give the affairees a chance to pre-empt you.

Good targets would be:

1. the hospital board
2. hospital Human Resources
3. OM's wife
4. your wife's family
5. her friends
6. your family

Before you do any of this, I would suggest telling your daughters the truth. They deserve to know what is going on in their lives.

When you expose to her family and friends, be sure and let them know she has moved into an apartment to pursue her affair.

In fact, I bet you could get pictures of his car at the apartment if you staked it out. That might be very helpful information for you to have when you expose and in any potential divorce action.

I would write to the hospital board, telling them about the affair and asking them to what they plan on doing about it. The same letter should go to Human Resources and to the OM's boss and your W's boss.

sep, please start working on your strategy TODAY. You have not done anything so far to save your marriage and you have much lost time to make up for. That puts you at a disadvantage but does not mean its a lost cause.

p.s. Please start Plan A TODAY. You don't need SAA to start Plan A. SAA will help you understand the dynamics of an affair, but you will get your STRATEGY right here from us. Reading SAA will help you understand why this strategy makes sense, but it won't necessarily give you the plan.

Separated, you need to develop a whole list of people to expose to and as Melody said, start this recovery today. Everyone on your exposure list needs to be someone who can reasonably be expected to be able to put pressure on the adultery. The hospital administrator should be right at the top of the list. Do it in person or by way of a fact-filled formal letter that you send by registered mail. Don't wait until you get SAA. Start writing out your list and work on it tomorrow. Time spent not doing that is wasted.

Here are some more exposure targets:

1. The other man's wife. She needs to know so she can work on her own marriage and she can be a valuable ally in breaking this obscenity up.

2. Your children. Dr. Harley is adamant children need to know a wayward spouse is doing something inappropriate. If they don't know, they may very well blame themselves for the strife in the home.

3. Re-expose to your WW workplace. It's quite true they may not know or may have been fed a sanitized version.

4. Re-expose to your family and to your WW’s family.

5. Your pastor or priest. They have tremendous influence in your WW’s life and can exert a lot of pressure.

6. Officers and members of any professional association your WW belongs to as well as any social organizations she is a member of.

7. Any other person who can reasonably be expected to be able to put pressure on the adultery to end.

Separated, let me reiterate something already said. Exposure is THE strongest weapon you have at your disposal to smash the adultery. Adultery is part disrespect, part deceit, and part fantasy. It exists in the darkness under rocks. Turn the rock over, shine a brilliant spotlight on the seamy underside, and the roaches begin to scurry away. The lies that are a part of every adultery are revealed for what they are and the fantasy world that includes just the two adultery partners begins to shatter. USE exposure.

When you have your list ready, go to each person and sit down with him or her if you can. It’s good for them to see you distressed, but very calm and steady. Take a deep breath and launch into a description of what has intruded into your marriage. Don’t wait for the perfect time and place, or for the magic words to use. They’ll never come. Don’t tell your spouse you’re going to do expose the obscene adultery to your prospective allies. Just do it.

Oh, she will be absolutely furious, Separated, old boy. She will shriek imprecations at you and swear she was going to work on the marriage but now...oh, boy...now she wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last man alive on the face of the planet, etc. It's all bluster, noise, and drama, Separated. She’s pissed off because you’ve wrecked the perfect little fantasy world she’s been indulging herself with. Let her rant and rave. It means nothing because you know where it’s coming from.

Look, Separated, the purpose of this step is to bust up the adultery. You are not doing this out of spite; you are not vengeful. Your spouse will see it as such, but it is not. Do not decline to expose because of the embarrassment you may feel about the adultery, and certainly don’t refuse to expose because it might embarrass your spouse.

Important Note: Do NOT shield your spouse from the consequences of her adultery, Separated. If you do, you give your spouse time and space to reignite the adultery and continue it better hidden than before. If you skip exposure, based on a misplaced “respect” for her feelings or something that sounds equally noble, you will be condoning the disrespect she has shown the marriage, your children, and you. Remember, adulteries thrive in the soft darkness. They are fed by lies and deceit. By shining the blinding light of exposure on the adultery, you force everything into sharp focus. The relationship begins to whither with exposure.

Hang in there, guy. You’ve taken the first steps to recover your marriage. It will take hard work, some sacrifice, and lots of patience, but you can do it.

Edited to add: Oh, and thanks for spelling "separated" correctly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks for all the helpful info. The book actually came yesterday, but I didn't check the mail until today. Her best friend knows the truth; I talked to her 2 days after D-day, and that's what sent my WW off pissed. On D-day, I told my wife it had to end with him, but she loves her job. I'm going to see the hospital admin this week and fill her in. My WW's nephew who is like a brother to her, knows the truth (he's like a son to me as his parents died 17 yrs ago). All of my family and friends know the truth.

My wife hasn't spoken to me since she left, except by text message. I haven't seen her either, except from a distance when she picks up the girls. My oldest has a band concert Tuesday, and my WW says she may sit with me. It's really going to be uncomfortable and my stress & anxiety is already up.

I get so much conflicting info, even from this site. I think she's still in a fog, and aliens have siezed her brain. She says she's not sleeping with him, but she'll see him at work. Maybe the administrator will deliver the knockout blow

sep, I would expose the affair at the hospital by sending a letter to the board and to Human Resources in addition to talking to the administrator. That way it has to be addressed and can't be swept under the rug. You have enormous power in your hands right now with this information.

Additionally, I would speak to her parents, her nephew and close family members and make sure they know the correct story and know WHY she has moved out.

But, the FIRST and most IMPORTANT exposure has to be to the OMW. She must be the first so that he doesn't have time to get to her and spin the story. I would do this all on the same day.

it is VERY IMPORTANT to expose to all of your targets at the same time in order to get the MAXIMUM EFFECT. Otherwise, if you do a little drab here and a little drab there it will be very ineffective. You need SHOCK AND AWE in order to kill this affair. If you bring a pea shooter to a gun fight, you are going to get killed on the field of battle.

She very likely is sleeping with him. Just expect everything she tells you to be a lie. If you don't believe me, just go stake out her apartment.

Thanks, Mel! The hospital admin is a friend of the family, and a nun at that. She'll take care of it. I'll also get to the OMW this week. Thanks for the care and attention. I love you all!

My wife did tell the girls this week that she still loves me, and wants to be married. I hope it all works out, and I think I could puke ;-)

Mel & friends,
Would you suggest a PI to watch and bug the apt for a couple of weeks? I have a very good family friend in the business

seperated, that would be a GREAT IDEA. You would be able to see for yourself what is going on here. It could be very useful evidence. I bet you could have concrete evidence within a few days.

Plan A starts today. Say a prayer for me and for my WW

well, the **** has already hit the fan. I sent her an email this morning (she won't see me) and told her she needed to stop all contact for life. She told me I couldn't tell her who to see & who she couldn't see for life. She says she loves her job and will not be leaving it. She is still holding a grudge from a selfish mistake I made two years ago and she told me that's when she started drifting away from me. I have repeatedly told her I'm sorry and I did correct my behavior immediately, but she says it was too late.

As for her moving out, she's blaming me because I asked her "when are YOU leaving" after she told me she was leaving. It's like she's blaming me for throwing her out. She says still still has a LOT of pent up anger towards me, and needs more time. I told her she can have all the time she wants, and I will not be contacting her until I hear from her (Plan B?).

Her email hurt, but was not unexpected. This is the tough part, just sitting and waiting. The OMW and hospital admin will be contacted this week, but I'm terrified of her response. I DO NOT want to lose this woman and my family. I'm so scared!

ok, sep, stop talking to her and stop fighting with her. That was completely unneccesary. You cannot expect her to be rational nor can you expect her to just up and dump the OM. This has gone on for a long time WITH YOUR HELP.

It is time to change tactics and start quietly exposing this affair.


You already HAVE LOST HER. You have lost her to an affair. And this loss is going to be permanent if you continue to do nothing to bust up this affair. Your only hope of getting your wife back is the end of this affair. This affair will NEVER END until you get up and start working on busting it up. Exposure will ruin the affair by hastening it's death.

And yes, she will be FURIOUS when you expose. But your marriage can survive her anger, it CANNOT survive her affair.

So, get to work, sep, and start making phone calls and exposing this affair. Type up an exposure letter and deliver [or email] to Human Resources, the hospital board, the hospital administrator. But before you do that, CALL the OMW and tell her.

Do you have EVIDENCE of the affair? Have you called that PI yet? Can you get him over there today to start watching?

I thought getting her to end the affair was step 1 of Plan A. Exposure is step 2. I tried negotiating with her in the email, but it didn't work. The OMW will be notified, as well as HR at the hospital.

sep, sorry for the misunderstanding, but it is the EXPOSURE that is likely to end her affair. She won't end her affair just because you asked.

Are you ready to move forward now?

Exposure is the big gun to use in ending the affair. It's not incorrect to think of it as the beginning of Plan A, but it's not step 2. Finding out about the infidelity is probably step 1, doing some intelligence is step 2, and then confronting her with your knowledge of her adultery would be step 3. Step 4 is exposure, assuming she doesn't agree in the confrontation to NC, and then you start Plan A.

I outlined a sample strategic plan to organize all of a BS’s work to recover a marriage on Larry_Daniels thread. You might take a look at it for informational purposes. You can find it here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

So far, no one has blasted me for that strategy so maybe it’s useful. Time will tell.

Good job with the exposure to OMW and HR. Those two can exert enormous pressure on this adultery. How’s the idea of hiring that private investigator coming? That can be a great way to gather more evidence AND to check to see if NC really is in place.

Stay with it, Sep. You're doing good.