Hi there, i am new to the site but have read alot of the website before signing up to the forum. We have been together 12yr and married coming up 9 of them. i have 3 children from previous marriage and he has 1 from previous marriage. I found out a year ago my husband is having an affair. He proceeds to tell me she is 24yrs old (he is 42), i was floored, he has a daughter 1 yr younger. he says that it is flattering and she makes him feel young. I guess its hard for me to understand that feeling because all i can think is she is only 1 yr older then my step daughter. since this all came out he has pointed out all the things that have gone wrong, I worked to much and he always had to look after my kids, and now he hates my kids, his daughter lived with us for about 5yrs then moved away to be with her mom, which was very hard on me I took it personally and I know it was hard on him as well. We always said we would never let the kids come between us. Im sorry if im all over the place I can barely think straight these days. I know i went about things the wrong way from the time i found out..i got mad and have been very emotional for a year now. putting pressure on him to let her go and he just can't. i questioned him and he said he did then a couple weeks would go by and I could tell he was talking to her again. in February he opened his own account and changed the p/w to our banking and told me to get my own. that hurt me terribly since we ahve shared the same log on for 6yrs now. then at the end of february he told me he was leaving and took a job up north for 7 months. he was going to stay at his parents for a couple of weeks to get his head straight. the day he left i was devastated, well he called me that night and asked to come home. of course i said yes come home we can work it out. i did ask him if he contacted her he said yes i text messaged her and told her that i loved you and we are working it out. I was so happy. then we went to see the place he is renting for the 7mth job he took. It was a bad day for me know he was leaving and i would only see him on weekends, but the drive back was like we were dating again and he said we will get through this. I had been checking emails and the website where they met for a year now I was obsessed with checking all the time and trying to confirm in my mind it was over, but I knew deep down it wasnt. I have been telling him all along that I love him and we can get through this, it is probably a mid life crisis (which probably ticks him off) i know he is not listening to me. he left in april to his new job and was coming home for the next few weekends and i would find calling card numbers and found a house that he looked at up north. i confronted him and he lied and eventually tells me it was a test to see if i am still snooping. he always says I will never get past this, I feel he is not letting me get past this by doing this and not showing me the affection that I need from him to prove its over, but thats because i know its not over. i went up to where he was staying about 3 weekends ago and he had just got the internet hooked up, it wasnt working properly so i was trying to fix it and so i clicked on outlook express and found this was his work email that they had been corresponding back and forth, the first one i see is a house where she lives that they can buy. i was sick over it so i confrmonted him again, we start talking about what is going on i thought it was over, he did end it but it seems only a coupld of weeks go by then either she or him email each other again and it starts up. i think it is me pushing him toward her with all my own insecurites and not allowing him to get over her (she is married as well and only a couple of years). so that day he says he wants out, we drive back together from the cottage almost in silence, he came to the house to pick up his motorcycle and left. he said i will call u tomorrow i said u dont have too, so he didnt, i had to take monday off i was a wreck and had to go to the bank and get my own account and cancel credit cards, i called his mom on tuesday to tell her i cancelled our gym membership and she didnt know what had happened he never went there. so i called him at work i was worried where he was. i then talk to him again on thurs. and told all i had done at the bank and to come pick up the dog. when he came on saturday i asked if we could talk so we did. i told him that i was truly sorry for all the hurt in the past year that we caused each other, he proceeds to say he doesnt want to sell the house and we just need to go slow, and what did i think about him taking a job up there for the next 3 or 4yrs and we could see each other on weekends, i agreed (i have supported his career decsions always, i want him to be happy as well) i said it would be hard but i know we could do it. then we went for dinner and he left with the dog and all his clothes i packed. on sunday he came on msn and we talked for a bit, he was saying about us seeing each other the next weekend, then the long weekend what about going to the states to buy motorcycle parts...and going on about doing things together, i started to get excited thinking he is coming back to me. by tuesday I emailed him something about the bills and he replied and also said he wants to be alone this weekend that he needs to make some concrete decisions instead of flip flopping back and forth, now i am discouraged again, i get scared when he wants to think that his future plans aren't going to include me and I dont even want to imagine life without him. thursday i called him and we talked for almost an hour, we talked about us and her and i said i really wanted to see him this weekend but i understand he needs his space. im frightened to give him that space for fear of what is coming next, i want him to know how much i love him and i think he is just turning a deaf ear to me. a couple of our friends have called him to see how he is and they say he is quiet and confused. he emailed me and said he has thought alot about what we talked about and he needs this weekend to think things through and its not fair to either of us if I come home and confuse the issues of whether it is meant to be that we stay together. With work and the dog he really hasnt had a chance to sit and think about things until the weekend. he would like to take this weekend to try and break free from me feeling needy and make some concrete decisions rather than keep dragging us both along and not flip flopping back and forth. I emailed him back before i left work to say it scares me to death but I understand and told him the same things over again that I love him and want to work this out but that what i said on the phone is going to back fire on me. and told him that its not fair i have never gotten a second chance to make this work.
Im sorry this is so long i guess because it has been going on for a year I am trying to give all the detalils at once.
I have convinced myself that it is a mid life crisis with him and Im trying to make him see that, and that he is throwing our life away for another girl who doenst even live in the same state and that he will only regret it in the end when he realizes what he is throwing away to be with her (and he told me she is willing to move up north with him). Im not sure if she has even left her husband yet. I guess I have that little hope that deep down he does love me because he keeps coming back, but then i tell myself he is just putting off the inevitable because he has hurt me so much. and i think he is just trying to run away from everything because now he is embarrassed of what he has done, and now its easier to get out then repair the damage. maybe im crazy but through all of this i havent even hated him i have just tried to understand where we went wrong before the affair even started, but i cant fix it on my own iknow he has to want to as well...
can someone help me see the light at the end of the tunnel

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. You can start reading all about Plan A, which is showing him what a wonderful wife you can be.

It also includes exposure. It would be good if you could contact the other woman's husband, and let him know about the affair.

You might want to post on General Questions II, as weekends are slow, and there is much more traffic there.

thank you for the welcome, i was even scared to post on here feeling so alone.
I have read plan A and i thought I had already done to much damage to start A..maybe i should start a B which right now i feel is to late as well.
should i move the whole post to general questions II? and if so how do i do that.
I have thought long and hard about contacting her husband but im afraid that will just push them together, and why should i do their dirty work for them to be together if thats what is going to happen in the end, and I why do really want to be the one to hurt her husband. I did ask my husband a couple of times if he knows and he tells me he knows something is up but not the whole truth.

Just copy and paste your post on General Questions II. It is very important to expose the affair. Her husband needs to know, and often telling the other betrayed spouse ends the affair.

When you copy and paste, you might edit it with paragraphs as well- it will make it easier for us to read.

Ok I will copy and paste it, thanks for your help. as for letting her husband know im really not sure, i have an email address that they share and 1 i think is his for where he works...im frightened to death to do that...i might give it a week to see if i hear from my husband first.

Everyone is frightened at first. But that is the surest way to end the affair. Post over on General Questions, and everyone will tell you the same thing.

i copied it over, im sure your right i just dont want to lose him for doing that, he is still so protective of her and right now i feel like he isnt thinking straight at all, i know hes not...i think hes crazy...lol