when you're Recovered?

Just wondering...

Well, I don't consider myself 'recovered' by a long shot..but my first thought was you know you're recovered when you don't have to ask that question...I long for a time when the betrayal isn't foremost in my thoughts and my life..when it's not and when I can go a day without checking my H's cell phone usage, well maybe then I'll believe it..

Is there a recovered status for the BS, the WS and the marriage, all independent of each other? Or is it a package deal.

Is a WS recovered when they have been able to forgive themselves? I like my shame, I earned through alot of pain and I hope I never forget it.

Is a BS recovered when they don't close their eyes and instantly see intimate images of the affair in their mind? Are they recovered when they longer feel compelled to check up on their spouse? Are they recovered when they couldn't fanthom that the WS could do that to them again? I don't ever want to assume that again. I never would have expected my WH to have an affair. I don't want to forget the symptoms, I don't want to assume it is all smooth sailing and I don't have to work at it anymore.

I don't know about recovery. I don't know anything about anything anymore. I am an alcoholic, I won't recover from that, but I'm sober today. I have a predisposition to depressive episodes, I would never assume I won't have a relapse and need to be medicated for that. Diabetics don't recover, they just manage it.

I think this adultery stuff stains your soul.

Not to say that you can't have a different, better, stronger marriage, but "recovered"... doesn't that mean back to original condition? Who would want that?

I am depressing myself now.

I think this adultery stuff stains your soul.


I think so too Jean...but hopefully like a stain on your favorite jeans, it will fade in time..I think I'm counting on that..I pray for that...

Hey This_hurts, I hope things are going well for you.

I hope I get to look at adultery like I do my c-section scars. That was not I how intended to deliver, but that is what happened. I am a really good mom raising unbelievable young women. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, I have the scars, I'll never give birth like I intended. But that is one small blip on the radar screen of my life.

Even if I don't get a chance to "recover" my marriage, I want to be able to honor the scar and who it helped me to grow into.

I think we are on the verge, is why I ask - making some very significant progress.

I just wondered when you can consider yourself Recovered...not because I think we are there quite yet, but because I want to know what it looks like when we are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I knew I was recovered when I started to make long-term plans for the two of us without any of the hairs on my neck standing up as a warning to me...

I think this was about year 3

Mr Pep recovered much earlier ... his AA meetings helped speed him up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ala-non slowed me down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LOL

Pep

Its hard to tangibly define...

Its a feeling I guess.

We will be hitting 3 years post d-day in July. I feel unaffected by the looming "anniversary" and won't be surprised if I all together forget its "the day" on that day.

I think my H is wonderful and I/we continue to consciously work on our marriage not to heal any longer from his A, but because we genuinely want each other to feel loved and we both want to continue to build upon and grow together in our M.

We have been together since we were 17 and I tell you, we are both virtually different people today than we were back then. It takes conscious effort to grow together, and I am glad to be doing it.

We also had another child at the 2 year mark. She is our "love child" and a wonderful reminder to me that life goes on and it can be good.

I'm not sure I even answered your question. Just wanted to chime in as someone who is "recovered" and give you encouragement that it is indeed possible.

TJ--Pep, you don't know me at all...I was a lurker for nearly 3 years and only recently signed on when I thought I might have something to offer others going through this maze of pain to recovery. Just wanted you to know I have always admired your wisdom in your posts.

Blessings,
Glad

[color:"blue"] Hi'ya GLAD

nice to meet'cha

Pep [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I've begun to dabble in that a teensy bit. I think about our future together with hairless neck.

Today I even spent just a little bit of time thinking about when we are old. I mean REALLY old!

Are there any other gauges? You know, as in a "You Know You're A Redneck if..." fashion?

You know you're Recovered if...

I'd like to be there, really, but I want to be sure it's real when I call it that.



That sounds like a long time.

Feeling really grateful tonight for all those of you who have urged us on, thwacked us good, comforted us...both actively and silently.

I think we're getting there. Not quite there yet, but getting there, nonetheless.

Glad,



Bless you for doing so.



That sounds like a nice gauge, actually.

Any more "You know you're Recovered if"'s?

We had an interesting experience last weekend...

We spent the evening with a couple who definitely had marital problems..arguing in front of us..disrespecting each other..not following any of the MB principals...we kept inconspicuously nudging and eyeing each other in response to their actions and comments....

We got in the car..looked at each other with relief..and gloated about how our marriage is on a higher level than theirs...

We won't be spending much time with them..what a downer...

I think this was a definite sign of Recovery..defining ourselves as having a HAPPY and FULFILLING MARRIAGE..treasuring FUN TIMES spent with each other...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi froz - even though you are referring to marital recovery,

I knew I was recovered the moment my XW informed me she married the guy she wasn't having an affair with - 5 months after our divorce. Prior to that I held out SOME hope she wasn't totally nuts. Knowing I was wrong made my personal recovery complete. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT
-------------------
Starve a mosquito, donate blood and platelets.

I think you're recovered when you realise you haven;t logged on to MB for five months and never noticed. When you don't silently consider yourself a FWS or BS any more.

When you can look at the naked welcoming body of your spouse and not think of OP.

Finally - I think you're recovered when you don't think about the A any differently than you think about a past serious illness, a past bereavement, or a past insult.

You are recovered when there is no FEAR.

IMO anyway.

Well, MB has and still does help me with Recovery.

I get challenged to learn new things and to stay on track.

Plus, I learn from my mentors who are ahead of me in this.


However, I definitely agree with the NO FEAR...

I ABSOLUTELY no longer live with a nagging SENSE OF PANIC...

And what about FEELING HAPPY and IN LOVE with your HUSBAND..feeling like you can't wait to see him...and him definitely showing that he is IN LOVE with you...

CHECK!!!

We have even counseled our friends somewhat on MB principles. We have definitely learned a lot here.



LOL, WAT!



I don't know that I want to do that. People have given so much to us. I'd like to return the favor, if I can.



That would be nice, Bob.



DOUBLE CHECK! (Gets a double because this one I particularly enjoy) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It only happens now once in a very great while.


I know just what you mean. That would be nice, too.



Hard to imagine this one...



TRIPLE CHECK!!!

The more I get of this, the more I want it.

Thanks for your responses, guys.

I want Recovery. I don't feel impatient - just eager. I am starting to see it on the horizon and I am excited about it.

Are we there yet?

froze,

You may not remember, but I am pretty sure you asked this some time ago.

Understandably, I am not an authority here because "mine" did not recover - BUT I can draw on other painful experiences and let you know how I knew I was "over" them.

Let me ask you this question: how do you know your marriage is in trouble?

You usually do know, but the key word here that you left out is WHEN.

I think you really want to know how you know WHEN you are recovered.

Sadly, like a marriage being in trouble, the recovery kind of creeps up.

The problems start with small shifts of boundaries. They end the same way.

Is there a point where you will "turn a corner" and say "WOW, Today I woke up and felt recovered!!" I doubt it. Because it is a game of inches and small habit changes. The "end zone" is not defined.

I expect, one day you will wake up and "know" that you are, but would be very hard pressed to pin down the DAY it happened, or the event. You just "will be." And it will creep in so subtley that it will probably be some time after you are recovered that you realize you are.

Which is why the converse - a marriage falling into trouble - is so dangerous. It CREEPS in.

An analogy - trouble in a marriage is like a heavy stone sliding down a gradual slope. Early on, it is off in the distance, so you pay it no mind. And it moves such a small amount, you don't even see it coming. But you dang sure realize it is there once it is on your doorstep. The recovery is pushing that stone back up the hill. You sweat, groan and struggle. It is so large and massive that it looms in your field of view and you can't see your surroundings. And it requires so much effort that you don't dare stop pushing, because getting it moving again requires even more effort. Then one day you stop pushing and realize that you pushed it way farther than it originally was. You didn't even realize it. But you know, it has been pushed back. That's when you are recovered.

NCW

Sure you are IN RECOVERY!!!

It's a PROCESS..that takes a long time....

NC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad to see you!



Thank you for that.

Thank you for everything else, too.