So I'm doing everything I can to learn how best to deal with WH's A. Lot's of research, studying, reading, etc. Talked with my parent's tonight, good stuff. All part of getting ready to confront WH on Friday. Feel like I'm really getting a good plan of action started.

Right after I get off the phone with my parent's, WH's sister called. She and I have grown very close in the past years, she was one of my bride's maids and we continued to be close friends. It's like she was my big sister, not WH's.

So we're talking, she know's he's out of town and has been traveling alot, but is in the dark to his A. She asked how I was since he's been gone so much, said she couldn't imagine the stress on our M. Also mentioned that H had expressed finding a new job to her. I totally lied to her (I guess maybe it was only a little lie) and said that things are stressed between us but would be doing so much better if he found a new job. Not a total lie, but I had to fight myself not to expose him to her. I haven't even confronted him yet.

Did I do the right thing? I feel like a total jerk considering next Friday after D-Day, I may very well be calling her up to tell her that her brother is having an A.

Not really a big deal, but I jsut felt bad since she is not only my sister in law but a close friend. I felt torn. I so badly wanted to expose him to her, but as he is still unaware that I know, I felt it was better to confront him first, then expose later.

stina,

if you have done abit of reading here in MBers, you will read that Steve Harley says that bringing the affair out in the open is a very important step!!!
I too find that exposing the affair to people that are important in my life is very helpfull.

It's not about "putting your WH down" it's about making the situation clear and bringing in reality.

Most WH don't like the idea because the affair was never meant to be out in the open. It was a secret built up upon lies.
If your SIL is a close friend and you feel the need to share this with her.............DO IT! Stop the lies and don't put yourself into that "uncomfortable" situation.

But as I said, it is NOT about putting your WH down and bad-mouthing him. You don't have to share the details, just make it short so that she gets the picture and she then might understand your whole situation, shich again will let you feel more comfortable.

bb

*Blondblossom*,
Thanks so much - I think I just kind of panicked. SIL let me in her life with open arms the first time she met me, gosh probably 6 years ago. I so badly wanted to tell her what was going on, but felt like I first needed to confront WH before moving on to exposure to anyone.

I certainly don't want to badmouth or bash WH. Yes, I am hurt and angry, but ultimately I want to fix this marriage and badmouthing him will do no good.

SIL is a good friend and I feel like I can tell her what is going on, but will wait until I confront WH on Friday. Then the exposure will start in a big way.
Thanks!

stina,

I just wanted to mention the following. It's ok to tell your SIL and yet I'd warn you to talk too much about the situation with her.

If she has never been touched by "Infidelity" it will more than likely be too much for her and the advise you might get will be far from what really helps.

Rather than that, I'd seek help and advise from someone that really "Knows and Understands" what Infidelity really is about and what the BS is going to expect.

Maybe you can find a counselour and get personal + professional help from him/her.

This way, you can let off pressure and pain without "exhausting" your SIL.

I hope you understand what I am trying to get over to you.

Friends are great to talk to..............BUT....you can talk to them about a problem, once, twice maybe even 3 times.......then it slowly gets to be too much for them. Mostly if they have never been in the shoes of an BS. And always remember, she is your SIL.

Therefore, I'd try to keep the info short and I surely would not discuss details.

Marriage Builders was a great help for me when I had the need to get things out of my system. There was always someone around to help me. The best thing for me was that I didn't feel crazy about myself coming here to vent because everyone knew what I was talking about and they could relate with my feelings.

I wish you the best and take good care of yourself!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

hugs
bb

bb,
I don't think I'll do much more than tell SIL it's happening, that I want to make the marriage work and can she support me in this. May also ask if she thinks any other family members would support me.

I actually don't know anyone who has been touched by infidelity - it's really foreign to me. That's kind of why I'm coming to MB for help...I've been talking with one really good friend who is trying to help me through this.

WH and I were already in counseling when I found out about the A. I hope we will both keep seeing the counselor together after I confront him, but if not, I will keep going by myself to help and deal with this.

I'm now reading "Surviving an Affair". Read about half of it last night. I'm just hoping SO much that WH and I can reconcile.

Thanks for thinking of me!