I accidentally posted part of this over in "Just Found Out"...oops...

So I'm doing everything I can to learn how best to deal with WH's A. Lot's of research, studying, reading, etc. Talked with my parent's tonight, good stuff. All part of getting ready to confront WH on Friday. Feel like I'm really getting a good plan of action started.

Right after I get off the phone with my parent's, WH's sister called. She and I have grown very close in the past years, she was one of my bride's maids and we continue to be close friends. It's like she was my big sister, not WH's.

So we're talking, she know's he's out of town and has been traveling alot, but is in the dark to his A. She asked how I was since he's been gone so much, said she couldn't imagine the stress on our M. Also mentioned that H had expressed finding a new job to her. I totally lied to her (I guess maybe it was only a little lie) and said that things are stressed between us but would be doing so much better if he found a new job. Not a total lie, but I had to fight myself not to expose him to her. I haven't even confronted him yet.

Did I do the right thing? I feel like a total jerk considering next Friday after D-Day, I may very well be calling her up to tell her that her brother is having an A.

Not really a big deal, but I jsut felt bad since she is not only my sister in law but a close friend. I felt torn. I so badly wanted to expose him to her, but as he is still unaware that I know, I felt it was better to confront him first, then expose later.
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On a different note, when I confront WH, one of e-mails I found shows that when I thought he was gone on business for a week, he came home early from the trip and spent 3 days at a hotel with her. What makes that even worse is that his son's (my step-son's) birthday was that same weekend. WH was too wrapped up in OW to remember his son's birthday. WH mentioned that he was upset he'd missed son's b-day and at the time, I justified it thinking how busy he'd been with work...he was really with OW. When I confront him is this something I should bring up to WH? Affair is not only effecting M but attention and time spent with son...will bring that up help or hurt?

Do you think your SIL can hold the info until you expose? If so, tell her. If not, wait. It w/b better if she knew you were going to expose so she could support you but r u sure she would? Blood c/b thicker than friendship.

What you could say is something like:

SIL: Things going ok? Stressful 4 u since H is gone?

BS: Yes it is stressful. Many things to wonder about.

SIL: Oh? Such as?

BS: I hear girls try to come onto business men on those trips. You think, maybe?

SIL: Nah, my bro' wouldn't do that.

BS: What if he did? What would you do or say?

NOTE: Now this w/b telling if she really knew of the A.

SIL: Ummmm well.... I certainly wouldn't approve.

BS: How would you show it?

SIL: I'd give him a piece of my mind and tell him to go and tell you the truth ASAP, then yell at him for hurting you. I hope that never happens.

BS: Me too. Thanks.

Now to the WS:

BS: So tell me again, how come you missed your son's birthday?

WS: I was on a business trip.

BS: Oh yea and on that day, you were where?

WS: Umhmmm.... in Tokyo.

BS: Really?!?!?! (don't say more).

Let him wonder why u r asking.

WS: Why r u asking?

BS: 'cuz you never even called to wish him happy birthday.

WS: I meant to.

BS: Yea....uh huh.....Hm....

WS: I did.

BS: ok.

WS: Really.

BS: Yea.

WS: You don't believe me.

BS: I don't?

Ws: You don't.

BS: Why not?

WS: Uhhhh.... not sure. I gotta go.

BS: Ok.

WS walks away all baffled and there you have just messed with the WS' mind. From then on each encounter with the OW will be filled with doubt. Can't have a happy A with all that doubt hanging around. LOL!!! Empowering isn't it?

L.

Absolutely bring it up! Factor it into your confrontation plan - unless you want to try out Orchid's reverse babble.

I say hold on other exposure until you expose to your H. BUT! Depending on his reaction, expose to others like your SIL immediately. Concentric circles of exposure start in the center - the WS.

For background, can you describe how/why your H's prior marriage ended? How long ago, how custody of his child is set up, etc.

WAT

I say don't tell anyone until you have told your husband Friday. Family usually sticks with the infidel.

You can write her a letter and explain what has happened, and that you love your husband and need her support in fighting for your marriage. You could time it so she gets it Friday.

Did you read imanotherone's post about how she confronted her husband?

Hi all,
I will definitely factor in missing of son's birthday in confrontation, I believe H is already feeling very guilty and he needs to know that he's not only betrayed me, but his son (even though I would NEVER tell son).

I think I'm glad I didn't tell SIL right now. MC session is at 8:30. Depending on reaction of H to confrontation, then I will call her and others immediately after MC. There are other family members of his that I don't think I could rely on, but this SIL, I think would be on my side. I just have a feeling deep down that she could be one of my greatest allies. I'd first expose at work, then expose to SIL, then expose to H's best buddy who was also our best man. I need to think of others, but I believe those two individuals could possibly be my biggest allies.

Question - others seem to be saying to me that I expose when "based on his reaction". What reaction from him am I looking for where I might or might not expose?

Copy of Surviving an Affair should arrive any time now - will read, stufy and memorize if I have to. I'm definitely angry and hurt by H and A he is having, but I also know that right up until this started that we had a great realtionship and marriage. I'm stickin' angry at him, but I know our marriage is worth the battle I've got ahead of me.

Please keep writing me guys - you folks on MB are keeping me sane right now!
STINA

Yes, you may have to.


If he bellys up.

You expose until exposure does its job. No need to expose further and it minimizes his "exposure."

If he curls up in a fetal position and promises you the moon - agreeing immediately to a NC letter and overall, convincing you he's been a stupid liar - you may have exposed all you need to, stopping with him.

This would be rare, but not unheard of. In NO CASE give him the impression that further exposure is off the table - even if he kobes up that $4M diamond ring.

WAT

"In NO CASE give him the impression that further exposure is off the table - even if he kobes up that $4M diamond ring."

OMG Wat, you are getting funnier and funnier.

.....and better looking? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

stina - Please don't forget to describe the circumstances of the end of your H's prior marriage, your relationship with his former wife, etc.

WAT
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Starve a mosquito, donate blood and platelets.

Believer and WAT,
Thanks for continuing to post to me - I find your encouragment and advice invaluable - I know I keep saying that, but I really do.

Believer, before I forget again, I meant to tell you that yes, I believe that I did read imanotherone's post, but I need to go back and read it again. I'm getting so much info here that things are starting to run into each other.

WAT, H's past M ended out of selfishness on both parties as well as too much time apart. They were both very young (he was 21 and she was 22), he was in the Navy and out to see alot, she was left alone with a new baby. Not much either of them could do about that, government was in control of where H was and was not during that time. His Ex was tired of being alone and moved back to be near her family for support until he was back on shore duty. When he got back and asked her to come home with their son, she refused. He was unwilling to try and get a transfer. Finally they just got divorced. So a lot of selfishness, but I believe partly due to how young both were. They should never have gotten married in the first place.

Flip to 7 years later when he meets me, he always told me he would never marry again until he was sure it was what he really wanted in his life. When we did get married, I have no doubts that it is what he wanted. I even looked at some e-mails and little notes he sent me in the few weeks prior to when I think the A began and I believe even then, he was completely commited to me and the M. I don't know the circumstances of this A and I don't want to make excuses for him, but I can't deny that I feel right before it happened, he was truly 100% committed to me. Maybe that's naive, but it's just something I feel in my gut.

I'm still against ever letting my stepson know this happened and that his dad basically chose OW over him. On our wedding day, before the ceremony, I had my SIL bring my stepson (SS?) into the room I was getting ready in and we talked for a few minutes. I told him that I didn't want to take the place of his mom, but I wasn'ted to be a second mom for him who would love and protect him no matter what. I won't tell him what his dad has done and I'll do everything to protect him, because no matter what, I made SS a promise and I won't break that. If I do expose in that area, I would contact H's ex and let her know what was happening and that she needs to do everything to protect SS from the A. She and I aren't the best of friends, but we've always respected each other for our mutual desire to take care of SS.

I understand your hesitation regarding the "missed" birthday episode. But please be open to exposing the truth of the affair at some point in the future. In this regard, have you put your H's former wife on your exposure list? This seems appropriate to me given her assumed concern over anything that goes on in the life of her son. Disruption of his life with Dad ought to be of concern to her.

On another topic, is your H still in the Navy? If so, your exposure plans just changed.

WAT

WAT,
No H is no longer in the navy, however you'd think he was the way his job has made him travel in the last 6 months.

Yes, WH's former wife is on my list - I would plan to call her and let her know so she could try and protect her son from this as best she can. Given how rocky her relationship is with WH though, I am really scared that will just drive him to think even less of me than he does now. I know its necessar and I won't chicken out, but it still scares me to death.

On another topic, I was re-reading how imanotherone confronted her WH. Just curious, where can I find "Patriot's Toolkit for WS's"? I did a search but I can't seem to find it.

WAT, Nevermind - I just found that link I was looking for.

I do have another question though, believer, I notice in the post on how ianotherone confronted her WH that you said that it may be better not to immediately confront, but to allow them to get messy and hang themselves. Do you think I have enough proof of this affair? I just don't know if I can stomach waiting past Friday, but I don't want to do it if I really don't have enough proof.

Here's what I've got: Cell phone bills with numerous calls and text messages to and from OW's cell phone, purchased a phone number search report to see that the phone# really belongs to OW (so I've got a copy of the report confirming owner of #), e-mail showing OW took a personal day from work and forwarded info to WH and his response, confirmation e-mail of car rental (convertible) for that day (I of course thought he was in Japan on that date) that WH forwarded to OW, bank statement showing car rental and hotel charges in excess of $1200 from WH's personal account, other e-mails where he calls her sweetie, an e-mail OW forwarded him saying they should move to Austria then a link below from a Yahoo! news clip with the words "sexual fulfillment" (link no longer worked), little "love Poems" from WH to OW, and a few additional e-mails where he calls her sweetie or other such nonsense. Also know that more information on the rental car is in his briefcase - didn't realize what it was until now. If it's still in there when he gets home, I'm making copies of that as well - I'm betting if I look a little further in his briefcase, I may find invoice from hotel as well.

Think this is enough???

Thanks!

Bust his butt!

Not to answer for believer, but I bet the "let them hang themselves" is when you need more solid evidence. These WSs need to be nailed solid. Anything less than slam dunk evidence is like nailing jello to the wall.

A quick story: Before finding MB, conspiring with OM's wife on a hot tip, I left work and went to the airport to catch my wife secretly welcoming OM home from an out of town business trip. I knew the flight number and arrival time. (This was pre-9/11 when you could still go to the gates.) I didn't have time to go home first and get my video camera. Keep in mind that both OM and my wife adamantly denied an affair.

I waited behind a newspaper a few gates away and sure enough, I soon saw them walking towards the baggage claim together. I followed about 50 feet behind and just about bumped into them when they stopped to smooch at the bottom of an escalator. I chose not to simply tap him on the shoulder - in hind sight I should have. They got his luggage and left, never seeing me.

Later, back at home, I asked my wife how her work day was. She gave a good story, complaining about how busy she was.

To the best of my recollection:

Me: But you had time to go to the airport, right?

Her: Huh?

Me: Yea, you had time to go pick up OM at the airport, right?

Her: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????

Me: You know what I'm talking about.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????

Me: You didn't go to work, you went to BWI to pick up OM.

HER: I DID NOT!!!!

Me: Sure you did. I was there.

HER: NO YOU WEREN'T!!!

Me: I certainly was.

HER: YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS!!

Me: Wanna see the video? (Of course, I was bluffing this.)

HER: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!! YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS!!

Me: OK, I'm imaging OM arrived on USAir flight #XXX from Pittsburgh at BWI gate 24 at 9:30 and you met him there and walked to the baggage claim, stopping to kiss at the bottom of the escalator. Pretty good imagination, huh?

HER: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!

Me: Sure it happened. I saw you with my own eyes.

HER: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!

The next day I found the tape missing from my video camera. She denied taking it. I searched the house looking for where she might have hidden it and amazingly found it laying right on top of the trash in the kitchen trash bin. Idiot. Too bad there wasn't any proof on it.

Moral of the story: hard evidence is vital when busting a WS. They will deny the sky is blue unless you have pictures. To this day my XW denies an affair even though she married OM 5 months after our divorce.

A 100% true rendition: "I'm NOT having an affair with OM!!! I'M IN LOVE with OM!!! What part of that don't you understand???"

Do not underestimate their delusions.

WAT

So I guess your saying I've got enough - I think I do, I'm just scared, I guess. Realistically, I know I've got the proof I need to nail him to the wall. I think the most damning evidence is probably the fact that he was supposed to be in Japan but was really renting convertibles and checking in to hotels. Sure he can make excuses, but if it was all so innocent, the H I knew before this would have told me, NO he wouldn't have gone to a hotel in the first place. So he'll have a hard time explaining that to me - I'm sure he'll try, but married men don't tell their wives they're in Japan, come back early and not tell their wives, rent convertibles, go to a hotel for three days, and let their Office Managers know they are doing it if its all innocent.

On a totally off topic thing - you mentioned BWI. I guess you are either from that area or still there. I grew up over there in VA, now on the West Coast, but it's just neat to connect with some one from home.

Surviving an Affair just arrived - guess it's time to study - WH and OW hopefully won't know what hit them!

Can you get your hands on his passport? The visa stamps for Japan say you left early - how'd THAT happen? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I live in northern Va. Born and raised in Va. Was living in Maryland during the affair. It just happened to be BWI. In this area as you know, BWI, DCA, and Dulles are interchangable from a practical standpoint. There's talk of running Metro out to Dulles. Probably not in my lifetime!

WAT

WAT,
Yes, I've been hearing about the Dulles, Reagan, BWI bit for as long as I can remmeber - I don't believe them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You know - I hadn't thought about the passport, but yep - I can definitely get my hands on it and will when I get my first chance. GOOD IDEA! WH has gotten into the bad habit of locking himself in the bathroom for hours in the past few months - no doubt talking to OW on his laptop. That's what gave me the first opportunity to snoop on his cell phone. I know when he gets home on Thursday he'll probably be there for awhile trying to "connect" with her, instead of spending some much needed time with me as he should be.

First chance I get when he gets home on Thursday I'll grab the passport and run copies for my file! The infidels are on a slowly sinking ship - Titanic II here we come.

Got a question for you - I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well and WH will go for NC. If he does and is willing to write the NC Letter, are there any instances where BS's hand delivered to OP? Is this advised against? I just think that would be good medicine for me to look her in the eyes and hand her that letter, but if it is LB Behavior or advised against, then I will certainly deny myself that satisfaction.

You have all the proof you need. Just present it and if he tries to lie and explain it, follow iamanotherone's lead and tell him just to skip all the denial and figure out what happens next.

My confrontation with WH went on months and months, as I kept finding things. He continued to deny and tell me I was crazy. All it does is make you more furious.

I would not give the NC letter to the OW in person. Some here have gotten into fights with the OP. You don't want to end up in jail.

Believer,
You are probably right - I don't think I'd ever fight her, but boy, would it feel good to hand that NC letter to her.

ditto believer

The 4.0 NC letter delivery is that the BS mails it or clicks the send button after approving what it says.

This would be the perfect scenario for you. Please understand that it rarely happens that way. I don't mean to discourage you, just that we've seen too many of these stories to discount reality.

Truth is, OW doesn't deserve your attention for a hand delivery.

Very important: IF your H agress to NC, DO NOT agree to allow him to deliver it in person. Bad juju. NC is NC. This final goodbye ploy is a ruse for jumping in the sack.

WAT

WAT and believer,

Point taken - will not do it myself if we get to that point.

And definitely - NC is NC, he won't be allowed to hand deliver it to her.

This affair has to end.