And be prepared for the fact that he may not agree to NC. Or he may walk out of the counseling session.

I'd kind of thought about that. If he won't agree to NC then I guess I start exposing them and then sit back and see what happens? I guess the same if he walks out?

yep and yep

WAT

Ok, so I've been reading "Surviving an Affair".Since I don't need to worry about Plan B right at this moment, let's see if I get Plan A (if I'm missing something, anything, please let me know) - I want to make sure I'm really getting this. Also, if you can give me any additional head's up's as to things he might say and how I should react? I would love to try the babble, but just knowing myself, I don't think I'll do it right, so maybe I should avoid that:

1. I confront WH and tell him that he needs to end all contact with OW.

2. On the rare chance that he falls down on the floor begging forgiveness telling me how wrong he is and that A and OW are over and that he totally agrees to NC (this is not likely) then exposure is possibly not necessary??? If he agrees to NC then we:
a. Put together a total separation plan, we write the OW a NC letter, I approve and then I drop in the mail.
b. Need to ask WH to resign position at current job and look for new job. Can't leave state due to WH's son living here. Different job is doable.
c. Account for time, give each other daily schedule of activities and list of phone numbers where spouse can be reached.
d. Account for money – we should both have full access to all bank and financial accounts. Complete lists of all money spent should be exchanged.
e. Spend leisure time together. If H has to travel can I go with him occasionally? Do more fun things together in free time.

3. Depending on his reaction, exposing is the most likely outcome, because WH will most likely not know what he wants or will say he wants to stay with OW. Expose to:
a. WH/OW's workplace
b. SIL (maybe ask if she believes other family members will be helpful or not)
c. WH's best friend (has no idea this is going on, he would have already said something to WH).
d. Expose and then sit back and wait for all heck to break loose. WH will blow a gasket over being exposed. Stay calm and breathe – take nothing he says personally. He can't stay furious forever. One day WH will hopefully realize that it was done out of love.

4. Move into Plan A
a. Basically "play nice" and do what I can to show WH why I'm such a great spouse.
b. Avoid emotional outbursts and anything that would seem upsetting to WH.
c. Do best to be caring and meet emotional needs, no matter how he acts. I can easily meet most needs, but how do I cope mentally to meet sexual fulfillment for WH?
d. Continue questioning WH about compliance with NC with OW.
e. Give Plan A six months - Keep in mind that the fantasy bubble of the A will start breaking, reality of life, exposure, etc. will most likely start to kill the A. Fantasy cannot really handle the regular doses of reality that the A will now be getting.

f. Hope for total NC – then WH can begin going through withdrawal. Only after going through withdrawal can marriage start to recover.

Am I anywhere close to being right on understanding this???

Sounds like you are learning quickly. I wouldn't worry about anything, but working toward being calm when you confront him. All the rest will depend on his actions.

The SF thing is difficult. Even though it is a huge EN for many men, I think it is dangerous to have sex with someone who is cheating. They usually use no protection. So you it would be like having sex with everyone that the OW has ever been with.

While condoms protect against HIV, they don't always protect against herpes and HPV.

Believer,
WOW! I'm glad I'm catching on.

Staying calm - well, I'm practicing right now, I guess. I've got a lot of emotions that I'm trying to deal with. So when I've felt like I'm about to erupt, I've practiced trying to calm myself down - lots of deep breaths <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know it will be totally different on Friday, but I feel like I can really keep it together.

On the SF, I feel the same way - I've always been very careful about that sort of thing. I know that has always been a big need for him, one I thought I was fulfilling, but I'm not so sure now. The idea of "being with" him right now both scares and is almost mentally impossible - I have a big problem with the idea of being with him when I know they've been together. I believe I can get over it in time, but right now, I just don't know. So trying to fulfill that need to the best of my abilities may be interesting...

The sex thing usually comes back fine when there is no contact. Your husband may be willing to do that. We will have to see.

The most important thing is being calm. It is very easy to get furious at them.

It might help by thinking that he is like a person that got abducted by aliens. Don't know if you ever heard of the movie "The Body Snatchers", but that is what this stuff is like. Your husband still looks and talks like your husband, but he is not the man you married.

Yep - I know the movie. I was actually just talking about that to a close gal pal today. This man is not the man I married, he's not even the man I knew back in January! It's amazing how quick something like this can make them cloud over...I've got e-mails from only 1 week before he "changed". In those e-mails, my H was the man I married. Then there is this point in time where he just disappeared...

If I have to stay calm as part of this process, then that's what I'll do. I know it's easier said than done, and granted this will all change once I see him - I haven't seen him since I figured it out. Hopefully I'll be able to supress the urge to get furious.

So I'm confused...maybe I'm reading into this too much or maybe I'm thrown off guard...

For you MB's that have been keping track of me, you know that WH is currently in Japan, left on Friday right before I figured out about his A.

For a little background...in that last 2 to 3 months, when he has gone on a trip I had not been able to get itinerary from him, I'd ask, but it would end up that I never got it. All of a sudden on this trip, he e-mailed me his itinerary (which I verified with the travel agent just to make sure it was legit - it was). Then this morning I get to work and there is another e-mail letting me know that everything is on schedule and he should be coming home on time.

Keep in mind that he hasn't really bothered to let me know his travel information or that he was on schedule and would be home on time in months...I don't want to read into this, but I find it hard to not be thrown off by this and wonder why the sudden change on his part to let me know where and when he will be places - I'm not complaining, but I just don't know what to make of it!

Tina, like you, I'm suspicious of people who exhibit sudden behavioral changes. Has he ever done this before--given you itineraries, schedules, etc?

If not, it's doubly suspicious. Is there a chance he knows you are posting here? There are ways to remotely access computers from half-way around the world.

Stina - with the support and strategies you get from the loving people on this forum, WS and OP don't stand a chance. They've only got each other, their deluded thinking and a fantasy world to prop themselves up. You've got SO much more to fight back with.

It's a long, painful, painful road - I'm still on it - but know that if you WANT your M back you CAN have it. As someone on my thread put it - you're fighting a way. Battles will be won and lost. Keep the ulimate goal in mind and keep moving forward.

All the best you.

Longhorn,
I don't think he could know I am posting here, I just found it myself a day or so before I found out about his A. I just don't think he is in the mind frame to be coming to a site like MB right at this moment, so I really doubt he knows I'm here. Especially since the last few months since the A started, he hasn't really cared much about what was going on with me.

Before the A he used to very diligently and willingly give me his itinerary and schedule - he's been in heavy travel jobs for about 3 years now and I always had his schedule and knew where he was staying, etc (alot like they say in "Surviving an Affair" about providing each other with the daily schedule - we did that).

Then all of a sudden he stopped and I would ask but he'd never provide it - at the time I assumed he just forgot to forward it to me, now I know it was because he was coming home early to spend time with her.

Now that I know aboutt the A, I realize that I stopped getting that information around the same time I believe the A to have begun, it all matches up with the evidence I have and the timeline I've built for this A. I hadn't received itineraries or updates on his work progress in the last 2.5 months or so.

Then last week when he had to go on this trip, he sent me his itinerary. After I learned about the A, I confirmed it with the travel agent to ensure it was real. Then today he sends me the e-mail letting me know things are on schedule and he should be home on time. Like I said, he hadn't willingly provided me that info in awhile so I guess that's why I'm confused. Why would he suddenly be back to giving me that information again and WILLINGLY??? I never asked for it this time as I was used to not receiving it from him.

So I guess it's the sudden behavior change back to something that resembles semi-normal that I find perplexing.

STINA

MDC,
Would you mind telling me how long you and your spouse have been "in progress" so to speak and how things are going for you wherever you are in the process?

Stories of a positive nature are relaly helping me to keep my mind and heart on the ultimate goal - getting my H and my M out of this foggy place with the OW and back with me where they belong.

Thanks!

Okay, I withdraw my suspicious question, Tina. It's not a sudden change in behavior. It's a return to normal behavior for whatever reason there might be. There are some wayward spouses, btw, who lurk here on MB because they want to see what their betrayed spouses are saying, doing, and what advice they are getting.

Good luck with your confrontation when your WH returns. It's not going to be easy, but it's the first step in salvaging your marriage. Have you studied (not just read) Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley? You really need to. You will be amazed at the wealth of information contained in that volume. Hang in there, lady.

I totally understand the suspicion - I can see where this site could be used against the BS. However, I seriously doubt that my WH would know about this site.

I have been doing my best to study "Surviving an Affair". I'm so limited on time though before WH gets home. Tonight is really the last time I have to freely study - can't do it tomorrow, he'll be home and I don't want him to get suspicious himself. I'm really hoping I can get the most out of it in the limited time I have left.

Stina-

It's been about 6 weeks since d-day. I found this site pretty quickly after. Thought I was doing a plan A for 4 weeks and really only started doing it right about a week and a half ago. WW has agreed to NC - including leaving her job, which is a big deal - and working on the M.

Now we're in limbo. See my post on the "False recovery" thread. Clearly there's a long way to go and I fully see the danger of relapse into contact given her reaction to me today. In fact if she had been in her normal routine - we're at her mothers now - I'm 99% sure there would have been a call to OM on the way home from work.

So, like I said. We're at the VERY beginning. Not even really in recovery yet. But I can tell you that the guidance I got here on how to end the affair was great. I did not expose though - and I may be a MB board outcast because of it, not sure. By the time I really understood my personal reasons for exposure she was agreeing to NC. And apparently the purpose of expsosing is to end the A.

If I had to do it again I would have exposed earlier. Because we're now at the point where I'm the ONLY one - other than her mother who will take her on soon - that is challenging her choices. If I had exposed broadly then there would have been a lot of other people that would have done the work for me that I am now going to have to do myself. Ofcourse a MC will help too. But I think no exposure set us back in terms of beginning a proper recovery.

Just listen to what these people say, get a session with Steve Harley. If you don't understand why you're doing something, ask. And don't do it in your M until you fully understand why you're doing it. Becuase you have to do what's right for you and know exactly why you're doing it. When I was told to expose I was still thinking the A was my fault so I could't understand why I should have done it. I only wish I was further along with respect to my own blame to time the exposure correctly.

All the best to you.

MDC,
Thank you for sharing your story with me and I'll definitely go read your other post.

I don't know much about this process yet since I haven't confronted WH, but it sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to.

Wouldn't worry about exposing either - I asked the MB's when exposing should and should not be used and it sounds to me like you didn't need to (according to what I was told).

Hang in there and I'll see you around!