I posted this in negoiating in marriage, but they told me to post this here.

This is my story... I have been married for 14 years with three boys, 13,11 and 9. I have known my husband for 5 years before we got married. It was love at first site. We were happy and all was good. People were seeing us for marriage advise. Now I am going to see what your advise is. About three years ago, I was going out with some "so called" friends to bars, dancing every other weekend. My husband was encouraging me to go because he had to do work at home and felt sorry to have to leave me alone on Saturday nights. One of these nights I drank a lot and ended up in the back of someones car and unfortunately things went too far. From that point on, I have not been the same. My husband noticed right away and I of course denied that anything was wrong. For three years, he has always brought it up and I tried to get off the subject real fast because it was my stupid mistake and I wanted to never ever mention it to anyone.

About three weeks ago, he asked for a separation because he was not happy with me because I have changed. I still denied it then.. Well, my concience got to me and I told him the whole horrid story. He was not shocked, he knew something was wrong with me from that day, and was happy that I had the guts to tell him. That was two weeks ago and we have been talking a lot. I hate it when he brings it up. He told me that he has to talk about it to get over it or understand why I did it. I told him that is was not something I would ever phathom doing, but I cannot change the past.

The question I am asking is, how can I make him trust me again, if at all possible, and how can I move on?

Thanks for reading

Sad Again

Kudos to you, Sad, for finally coming forward and telling your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My advice and thoughts, as well as many others who will post I'm sure, are this. If you want your H to start trusting you again, you've got to be absolutely transparent. Radical honesty. If he asks a question about you, your past, your present or your future, you answer with as much information as you've got.

As it relates to the incident 3 years ago, when (not if) he asks again, because he will, answer him honestly. If you want your marriage to work, the time for deception is over.

You don't say in your post, but what does your H want to do about your marriage now that he knows about the affair? What do you want to do now that your husband knows?

It's good that you're talking. It shows that he's not shut down the communication freeway yet.

I think you're going to want at least one of Dr. Harley's books and possibly more. Surviving an Affair csn be ordered through this website or from virtually any website that sells books.

Don't make the mistake that many have made and think you can fix things by yourself. Get into marriage counseling. If he won't go, then go by yourself. If you have the $$ and the desire, schedule an appointment with Steve Harley.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sad, what was your husband's reaction to this revelation? How is he handling this blow? Is the seperation still on? Will he go to counseling?

Sad, welcome to these boards - you’ve found the right place for help and advice. I’m glad you’ve finally decided to inform your H. Good for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That itself was a step in the right direction and the first step towards recovery for both you and your H.

Sad, it’s possible to regain your H’s trust and help him recover, but you need to be patient and keep in mind that it will take much time for your H to recover and regain trust in you again. However, you can help restore your H’s trust and help your marriage successfully survive by doing the following:

1. Be totally honest with your H about everything.
2. Answer every question that he asks truthfully and fully.
3. Do everything in your power to prove to your H that he is the one that you want to be with.
4. Prove your love to him...be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. Feel his pain.
6. Fully understand the devastation that you have caused him (read all the books and material you can get your hands on).
7. Accept full responsibility for your past actions.
8. Reassure your H that it is OK to ask questions.
10. Reassure your H that he will not drive you away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. Try to recognize when your H is struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort him.
12. Tell your H how sorry you are and show him.
13. Have NO CONTACT with the OP and don't try to protect him.
14. Re-enforce and reassure your H regularly that he was and is not responsible for your wrong choices and actions of the past.
15. Try to put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help him heal first. As your H start to heal and regain his trust in you, you will start feeling better about yourself again and restore your self-respect.
16. Reconnect with him emotionally, mentally, and physically and stay connected. That includes sharing all your feelings and thoughts of shame, guilt etc.
17. Work on rebuilding his trust. No secrets. No privacy. Be totally honest and open about everything in your life.
18. Be willing to seek counseling.
19. Learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating and interacting with the opposite sex... establish boundaries and not cross them again.

The above steps is from the article: What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile (just click on the link).

Also read the following thread: When "Sorry" is Not Enough

Sad, you need to know it is very normal and important for your H to ask questions and speak about what happened – without that he can’t start the healing process. There are a common tendency among many (if not most) BS’s to know ALL details (including specific and finer details). BS’s differ in how much information they want to know about the A and it depends from person to person. Some BS’s wants to know all and everything in the finest detail, and others just want to know the main details without any specifics. It’s up to the BS to decide how much information they can handle and how much information they need and the FWS must respect that. Therefore you must continue to answer your H’s questions honestly and openly and not prevent him from talking about it.

Joseph’s letter (click on the link) will help you understand WHY your H asks questions, why he have the need to know everything about your past betrayal and talk about it.

Suzet,
This weekend my WW asked about what she can do to make me feel safe. Your post sums it up very well. I would print or email it, but she doesn't like it when I do that. So I guess I'll have to ask her to read it this evening.

Thank you for this post. It might help my sitch and I hope it will help others.

Eagle, you're welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and I hope things will get better for you and your W.

sad

I don't know how to do the quote thing like others. My advice comes from doing everything wrong. I am a BS and my
D- day was over two and a half years ago. I wish I would have started in the forum long ago.

Don't know how to do the quote thing so I cut and pasted.

"I told him that is was not something I would ever phathom doing, but I cannot change the past."

This is also something he could never phathom you doing and that is one of the things that hurts the most. It is great that you have admitted the truth but now it is part of your past that cannot be changed. That doesn't mean that you cannot have a better today or future. It is what it is part of your experiance in your marriage. People say that you learn from your experience's.

As a BS I find hope that one day our marriage will actually be better then it was before the A. Try to make that happen.

I have read the "Sorry" post many times and what my FWS has missed is the amends part. My FWS doesn't seem to understand is that all the words she said before the A seem like a lie. I need to see actions not hear words. I think we all do. Make sure your actions speak of remorse not just your words.

"The question I am asking is, how can I make him trust me again, if at all possible, and how can I move on?"

Not to be harsh but what really stands out here is the use of the word "I". How can you make him trust you. Be trustworthy! By all means make sure that any question he asks you about the A you answer completely honest. No white lies, no big lies and no lies by ommission. Be honest every day in everything you do. Do not hide things from him. If you walk out the door and tell him you are spending $40 and you spend $60 tell him.

How can you move on is up to you really. How do you want to move on? If you to move on in a positive way read the posts here and take the advice you get. Show your BS your love and commitment. Show him you regret your decesion. Make amends.

Believe it or not BS's don't hate their FWS. We do not want to punish our FWS. We love you and want to see you happy. But we need to be happy and we need for you to try as hard as you can to restore the trust you have broken.

Every time my FWS makes some type of amends she is rewarded 10 fold because when I see she has tried I want to try harder. I want to show her I love her.

If too much time goes by though without amends it may cause more resentment.