I guess I will start with our general history. WE have been married 7 years, together 9. I was 21 and he was 24 when we married. We were married 5 years before we concieved our beutiful baby girl who will be 2 in a couple months. He LOVES her and talks about her ALL the time.

I am the first to admit that since we had her I have been in a state of overwhemation. Right when I had her my mom had major surgery for colon cancer. I had just had my first baby and I didn't have my mom to help. THen she had lots of trouble nursing and the first two months were a scream feast. I quit nursing and then it turns okay. Well at 3 months my husband comes home and says he is being transferred to another area and needs to start spending part ot he week there. We put our house up for sale and it took all winter from October to May to sale. We had only lived there 1 year and it was BRAND new. So here I am with a newborn tryong to keep a house up to par to sale without my husband there half the time. So it sales and we move.

Looking back, I think by this time I already devloped this pattern of using all my energy for everything but him. That is just the way it was. However, I didn't believe we were unhappy. We just had a baby and it was normal.

However in the last couple months, I had a husband who would snap at me one minute and want to cuddle the next. I had no idea what his deal was. WHen I asked he would say he was very unhappy at work. We had a cruise scheduled soon so I thought that would be the perfect opportunity to recoonect 100 percent.

Our cruise was a couple weeks ago. It was awful. He spent lots of time on the computer. Spent 240 dollars at 50 cents a minute. He was not at all romantic like you think he would be having his wifes full attention. Yet of course we had intercourse. He then told me on the ship that he wanted my daugther and I to go to my moms so he can "clear his head" and see if he misses me while away. I refused! I said if you want to seperate then you leave our home. I will not.

We get back from our cruise on Saturday and he leaves on Sunday for the hotel. On Sunday morning though he was so weird. He got mad at me for not inviting him to the store with us, then made me sit and eat lunch with him. Then when he told me he was leaving that night he just stared me down for what seemed like an eternity. WEll, I had to get out of there so I went with a friend for dessert. I come back and he says I am leaving check your e mail. He was so mad at me in the e mail over something so stupid. SO he left.

On Monday morning he calls and says whats up?? I am like what do you think!!! He then asks about our daughter and I say she has been saying bye bye dada since he left and he says don't use her!!! Keep in mind we had just been away from her for a week. SO I email him Tuesday and tell him I am a wreck. I can't be there for our daughter and I am ready to have a breakdown. He replies and says he can't come home tonight he just can't but will be home tomorrow. Well this sent me over the edge. He had told me where he was staying so it was time to go investigate.

My friend and I sat in the parking lot of the hotel and sure enough he came with the other woman. However, I didn't see for sure who she was and didn't catch up to them in time. So the clerk after seeing ID gave me a key to his room. I busted right in and caught him with his assistant. At first he said get out get out. Yeah right!!! I told her she is low. He has a two year old at home and besided isn't she engaged?? She says this isn't as bad as you think and this isn't about me and the three of us need to have a talk. I said okay so talk... Silence so I say will you pleace have te decency to leave and give me and my husband, the father of my child some time to talk. She left and my husband would not say anything. Finally I got him to talk. Yes he has been sleeping with her. It started on a business trip a couple months ago. They went away one weekend together. He loved her and this was his choice.

On Wed. (the next day) I get an email that his love for me has been fading for like 3 years. He isn't attracted to me anymore. THis is hard to do to our daugther but fighting in front of her is worse for her. I emailed back and said you didn't find too hard for us. You didn't make me aware that you were this down before taking the plunge and so on..

On THursday I get a call. What's going on?? OH I wanted to tell him off so bad.. Then he asked about our daughter. I said do you really want to know or am I going to be accused of using her?? He said I really want to know so I tell him. Then silence. He asks if I want to talk. I say sure. First thing I ask is if she is pregnant. No, of course not. Okay so my life for 3 years has been a lie?? Why didn't you insist we go to church? Get some counceling? Pray together? Anything? He says he didn't mean that he loves me and still a part of him does and of course he has some attraction for me. Then he says they have called it off for now and she is working on things with her fiance. I say so does she love you? He says she loves both of them. He goes on to say that I have suprised him with my actions. HE thought I would leave him right away. I tell him I will fight for my family. He agrees to come over later that night.

He comes over and answers all my questions. He literally never had a chance to whine and dine her. I control all the finances. The most they did was one weekend away together. OTher then that it was a half hour here and there after work. Also, she never asked him to leave us or got mad when he came home to me. Never was even mad that he was on a cruise with me. I don't think they every talked about their SO.

Before he left he said he was sorry and yes he still loved me. He agreed to meet me for counceling this week and said he would stay at our home while I went to visit my parents in Indiand for a few days.

I didn't hear from him all weekend and he avoided my calls. Finally yesterday morning I reached him at our house. He said he has been avoiding everyone and asked how I would feel if I did something so stupid. I told him we can both stay at home and he can move into the guest bedroom. He said maybe he could in a couple days but he just can't face me like that right now and he would still see me at counceling.

I got back to the house yesterday and it looks like he barely was here. No dishes used, never used the phone, never turned on our main t.v.. Did some laundry but that is it. Now he is in a hotel again and I may see him at our appt. Wed.

She must live with her fiance since they were choosing to roll around at the Super 8.. YUCK!! I told him if he wanted to leave he better make it cheap. I have control of all the finances and he still is not spending tons of money on her, if at all. I have no idea what to believe.

Wounded,

Very sorry you're here, but welcome to MB none the less.

You just described pretty typically how every wayward spouse acts and how every betrayed spouse responds.

Question 1 Do you want to save your marriage?

2 Does your husband?

The answer to these questions will help us give you better advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes.

Hi wounded, sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. I would read as much as you can as fast as you can so you understand the dynamics of an affair and know what you are dealing with. Get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. [a bookstore or on this website] You should be in Plan A and that can start today, though.

The single most potent weapon you have in your hand is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous to them. Affairs are fantasies and when they are exposed, it forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others.

Good exposure targets are spouses, bosses, parents, pastors, siblings. In your case, I would contact the OW's boyfriend TODAY. Another good target would be your husbands parents. You simply give them the facts, tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask for their help. Do NOT tell your H beforehand.

If this is a workplace affair, I would notify the head of Human Resources, your H's boss and the OW's boss.

You were absolutely correct in not leaving your home when your H asked you to leave. He should be the one to leave if he wants to leave.

In the meantime, do not lambast him, do not fight with him. He will try to bait you into fights and you can expect him to attempt to rewrite the history of your marriage ["I was unhappy for years," blah, blah, blah] This is all typical behavior of a fogged out wayward spouse. Don't listen to what he says, pay attention to what he DOES. Just don't make it worse by pushing him away with angry outbursts, etc.

I will post an outline of Plan A below, but in the meantime, read these links:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

How to Survive Infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Dr. Harley's radio show is on every day from 10-1 cst and you call into his show and ask questions. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

If she is his assistant you may get a sympathetic ear with his employer if they care about sexual harrassment. This is it. It doesn't matter that it they consider it consensual. "Third party" sexual harrassment is what another "assistant" might claim - "See, you have to sleep with the boss to get ahead in this outfit!!" A smart employer will nip this in the bud. That said, they're not all smart.

Congrats on the stakeout. Thta must have been gut wrenching. To pull that off you're a strong woman.

WAT is right, you are a strong woman and you can make it through this. I know it must be hard for you to deal with all this and care for your precious little one. Please reach out and get some help with her so you can do what you need to do.