WAT, please don't take this the wrong way, but Dr. Harley has said specifically children need to know what is going on. I'm only applying what he's said directly to posters here on MB.

Rman, if your wife doesn't commit to NC during the confrontation, you expose to everyone on your list.

If she DOES commit, you only expose to the other man's wife (OMW).

If your wife commits to NC and working on the marriage...like tonight...I'm inclined to say you wouldn't expose to your son. She has to know though, she's got a lot to make up to the little guy.

I started...
I asked if she is willing to make the committment to NC with OM. She said she is not sure and she cannot do it right now. I said, if you cannot commit then how can we make this work. And I told her that we should tell our son now. She said I dont know where to go why tell him now. I just it is best if he knows why you have been sleeping on the couch, staying up late and not sleeping on the same bed with dad.

Ok rman, I'd like to put this gently, but...

Get off your [censored]. Your WW is wrong, wrong, wrong. You are right, right, right. Everything you do to preserve your family is right. Do you get it? We all get confused in this phase of the game, so I'll make it simple:

You don't say "We should tell our son."

You do say "Tell our son right now or I am going to, right now."

She said she couldn't tell OM "no more" now, so you tell everyone that, right now. Start burning up the phone line.
Make sure you gather your evidence so it is safe.

This is no time for [censored]-footing around. If you need motivation, think of her spreading her legs for another man, that did the trick for me. The longer you delay, the more that is going to happen.

Just go do it! I speak from experience.

You told her you know about the June date, Rman? Okay, she didn't commit to NC. That means you have to expose the sordid adultery to those on your list.

LISTEN TO LONGHORN! He's right even though he's a Texas fan (we Razorbacks are just jealous). And, he's nicer than me and probably more intelligent.

I'm turning into a raving lunatic from spending too much time here today.

We just got done telling our son. I'm going to wait a little bit and get some info on the OMW, I'll call her coworkers tonight (she used to work night shift) and see if anyone would be willing to relay a message, or give me a home number.

Okay, Rman. I'm so sorry it's necessary. Hang in there.

MFlake. Don't hate us just cause we play great football, okay? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ahem...we've taken 2 out of the last 3, as I recall.

It's not a hate thing, I like Texas (my home state!) but not when they're playing us. I was rooting for you in the Rose Bowl.

Good work rman. Stay aggressive.

This is just really hard guys. Trying to do all this nice things but deep inside you it's just pulling you down. It's all true what's on the different articles in this site. At the height of the A, and during the time you're trying to fix it, it seems like you're the only one trying to work on the relationship.

Anyways... I still have no clear answer on the OMW's contact info. If I'm not able to get it I'll just go ahead and tell the WW's family (the ones that care). Her family is a mess too so it probably won't help at all.

Another question that's in my head is should I do the outting after I find out we get anywhere on the counseling. I still didn't get a committed NC.

Rman, we know it's hard. Most of us out here have already gone through what you are now. Many of us only wish we'd gotten to the point where you are now but we never did because we didn't find MB until it was too late. We know the pain you're going through, Rman. Believe me. We know.

As far as the OM and OMW goes, if you have a phone number, an address, sometimes just a name will give you a starting point. What DO you know right now? Don't tell us the names or phone numbers (etc.), but describe what you do know and we might be able to suggest a way to discover more information.

Delaying exposure never seems to do any good, and certainly delaying it and hoping counseling will be the magic elixir isn’t going to work. Marital counseling while the adultery is still ongoing isn’t going to do anything for the marriage. Think of it. Your WW will be going into the counseling designed to improve the marriage between the two of you, and her mind is still full of this other man. She will lie to the counselor whenever the subject at hand gets too close to something sensitive or something that threatens her fantasy land addiction.

The hard facts are that if she hasn’t agreed to NC, she’s still in the affair, period. Your best tool to do some affair busting is to expose and make other people your allies in stopping the infidelity. You’ve had some time to think about people to expose to. Your wife’s family isn’t the only option. Who else is on your list?

Longhorn,
What I know now is the OM cell number. I know the city he lives in and there are only two people showing in the county tax records with that first and last name.
I know the department he works in (right next to my WW's old department).
I know her employer doesn't seem to have anything regarding adultery in their handbook.

I have a list of her friends that she talks to and those are the ones I will let know. I will also tell my family side. I know her old boss's contact number and email...
That's it for now... I'll add more when I remember.

Okay, that's a lot more than many people have had in their search for the OP. You can use a search website such as Zabasearch.com or peoplefinders.com or even a reverse directory to put in the cell phone number to see what more information you can develop. However, if I read your earliest posts correctly, you live in the same city (or close by) as the OM and OMW, right?

Man, if you have two possible addresses (from the tax records), how about doing the low-tech solution? Just go knock on those doors and talk to whoever answers. You'll find the right person with a knock on either the first or second door, right?

If they're not at home, talk a neighbor into having OMW get in contact with you. You can hire a private investigator to do this, but it's easier (and cheaper) for you to do it yourself. If you have the resources to hire a PI though, heck, go ahead and do that instead. Just don't delay.

Alternately, have you considered dropping by the office to take your wife to lunch and dallying by some co-worker's desk and asking questions...like the OMW's name and where she lives? Maybe you owe her an RSVP for (whatever), or she lent you $20 from the last company picnic when you left your wallet at home, or her birthday is right around the corner, or…you get the idea.

Don't be discouraged if the employer doesn't have a formal policy in the handbook. To protect themselves from sexual harassment cases, they have a policy somewhere. Go ahead and leave the Human Resources Director on your list. If they don't have a HR division, use the Personnel Director or the big boss, if it's that small a company.

I suggest you go ahead and expose to her family. One disapproving glance in your wife's direction from her mom (or whoever) caught in the right (wrong?) mood might be the final thing that tips the scales.

Your family is good, her co-workers also, and the friends whose opinion she values is too. Sounds good. Get the list together, right it down, and check names off as you expose. It doesn't have to be perfect, btw. You've got a good one right now.

When will you expose?

The OM lives about 45-60 minutes away. I know the time is crucial but I'm still gathering the courage to do this.

Why? You are dependent on his good will for something important to you? He's a hulking brute who will beat you to a pulp? Maybe WW has relayed the info that he's a militant survivalist and will use a machine gun on you as you walk up the sidewalk? All of that has been said by wayward spouses to their betrayed spouses, btw. I've read the threads they posted here on MB. Not one turned out to be true.

Pardner, doing this is like that first day of class in high school. My God, that was intimidating, wasn't it? Everything was moving so fast; everyone seemed to know exactly what to do and where to go...except you. You, of course, were totally lost and all alone. The week after, you thought nothing about it. Heck, it was part of the background.

The last guy I know of on this board who did the door knock thing was filled with trepidation for a long time. Finally (a couple of weeks ago), he did it. He walked up to the OM's door and demanded to see OMW. Our guy watched as the OM shielded himself behind OMW's skirts while one betrayed spouse talked to the other.

Our guy came away feeling fantastic. Turns out the OM wasn't a fearsome beast. He was just another nasty little cockroach who needed some bug spray applied generously. Our guy marveled that he hadn’t done this earlier. It would have cut off the anguish that much sooner.

Rman, you can do it too. I have no doubts about that. You’ve already confronted your wife and made her tell your son. Those weren’t easy either, were they? Never doubt you can do this too.

Don't put it off, man. It's a piece of cake in retrospect, but it's not going to get easier in your mind beforehand. Suck it up…and just do it.

rman - I just exposed to the OMW in my case about 2 weeks ago after Longhorn and several others goaded me into doing it. It took them a couple of weeks to get me to do it and I wish I had done it sooner.

Drive over there and knock on the doors like they suggested. You need to go ASAP - from what I have read, this is not a PA, right? Don't you want to stop this before it goes to a PA? It will go there if you don't stop it now.

P.S. I am not the one who did it with the OM standing there like mentioned in Longhorn's post - I only wish he had been there.

Yep rman, we've all been through it. Reading the emails. Recording phone conversations. Dreading coming home everyday to check the spy network.

I could never really expose to the OMW, my MIL beat me to it! She just grabbed our phone bill and went to town on D-day!

You can make it if I did. My FWW had a violent criminal for an OM, so I tried my best not to aggravate him too much (for obvious reasons!).

Keep going strong.

I did one outting today. I called my BIL and told him about what's going on. He's about the only straightest one in the family. My WW was out for "errands" after work and he left her a message. I got a call from WW saying "so you called the cavalry"? That's the first one.

And you calmly let her know that you will do what it takes to save your marriage.

Good, rman. What believer said is absolutely correct. Stay with it, pardner.