Hi there,
For most of you who don't recognize my name I will give a brief history of me.

I have been a lurker here for nearly 3 years. I only recently logged on for the first time when a couple posts really touched me, and I have been posting to CO and Iamsosorry since then.

In a nutshell, my H had a 2 1/2 mo PA (probable EA with FOW prior to the PA) and it was exposed to me 7/03 by the OWH after he discovered emails. Immediate NC (not for lack of her trying) and my H and I threw ourselves into a hardcore recovery and now about 3 years later I feel that we are fully recovered from the A and have a far happier, healthier and more fulfilling marriage than pre-A.

My reason for posting this thread is to just ponder some things going on with us right now and receive any insight you may have while reading.

Lately I have been feeling like we somewhere along the line stopped "working" on our marriage and have instead been on "cruise-controll" riding the wave of all the hard work we did during our recovery to get healthy.

The realization, which is not a new revelation, but always surprises me anyway, is that MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK, PERIOD! We cannot rest. Yes, in a healthy marriage we can ride in cruise-control for awhile, but if no acceleration is ever added then eventually we will find ourselves slowing down (I know nothing about cars, maybe that analogy doesn't really work, hopefully you get my meaning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

Another thing I am finding, and I'd like to hear from other "recovereds" on this, is that since I have been spending more time on MB forum lately, it almost seems to be bringing me down. How do you deal with this? Do I leave the boards? At the same time, I think it is helping to remind me that marriage always needs to be tended, EN's always need to be tended, Love Banks always need to be filled. So I am not sure what to do with my marital feelings with regards to being on here...stay or go?

Finally...and this IS a result of being a FBW. My H forwarded me a funny email today. Also in the addresses were 3 people: 2 of my BILS and a womans name. I email back "just out of curiosity, who is so and so?" He emails back right away that it is a rep in another state who handles his ordering and he has never met her, why do I ask?

Side note, after the A we had very defined rules to never again associate with females on any level whatsoever but purely professional and he has diligently kept to this thus far.

So I send back "I am not at all comfortable with you sending fun, forwarding type emails to a woman, I don't care if she is in NY. To send an email just for fun indicates a personal friendliness there, not a purely business contact, and I am not comfortable with that at all.

Even though pre-A I would not have even noticed that he sent it to a woman, I know he will understand my feelings about this now and be respectful of it. If not, I will not be to happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />.

But again, I ask myself, am I becoming overly sensitive to stuff like this again because I am on these boards and seeing people's fresh pain?

Again it seems to be a pro/con situation. Good for me to keep track of the health of my marriage and not become complacent, but at the same time, am I perpetuating bad feelings by being on here? How do other recovereds feel about this who read and post here often?

Thank you in advance for reading and taking the time to post any insights back to me. I know it can be hard for new posters to get responses, especially when I am not even sure what I am asking?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But thank you anyway for your time!

Blessings,
Glad

No, you're not being overly sensitive. I'm a year in and I monitor my FWW very carefully. I will not go through what I went through before.

A consequence of his actions is that he has to comply with your reasonable demands. From what you say he's being a stand-up guy about it.

I used to kind of like other guys noticing my FWW- until she had her fling- now I can't stand it.

You are asking if you are normal or not. Of course you are!
Coming here reminds us to work on things and stay viligant.

I will also comment on the emails to work-bud-woman in NY. No, you're not being overly sensitive. It would be another matter entirely if he were forwarding a work email, but personal? Nope. Hope he understood and responded back to you. Did he, by the way?

Thank you so much mflake and nbII for responding!

mflake, I guess I was asking the question "are my feelings normal?" Thanks for seeing that.

I agree that I am not being overly sensitive about the forwarded funny email. It is trust with eyes wide open, right?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have not yet heard back from him, but I am anxious to see what he has to say. There was more than just that blurb I shared in my email to him. He had come home for lunch and I shared my feelings about seeing us not being proactive in our M lately and he took a bit of a defensive stance.

Later he did email me and then I emailed back and have not yet heard from him again. It was not a nasty fight, more like a "discussion" with a level of intensity.

I am trying to keep my ears open to really "hear" how he is feeling and learning from that and responding to him appropriately instead of just selfishly trying to make myself heard without regard to what he might need or be feeling like I used to do.

But, I say again, MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK to keep it humming along smoothly!

Thanks again for responding to me, I really appreciate it. If anyone can also address how they feel when on the MB boards, whether they feel like it keeps them down emotionally, or whether the reminders keep them vigilant and successful in their own M's I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Blessings,
Glad

OH Glad, I have come and go on this site for almost 7 years, no kidding. It **can be** very disheartening... and I have to leave for awhile.

I've stopped writing goodbye messages, at least. No kidding, I must've written about six of them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LOL NBII
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I understand. I also haven't lurked solid for 3 years. It ebbs and flows.

I guess that is what I am wondering right now. Am I evaluating the state of my M right now more microscopically because I am on these boards with a lot of pain? And is that good or bad for me and my M? Not sure how to weigh the impact of being on the boards to my M as a bigger positive or a bigger negative.

Still pondering. I actually have a feeling that my H would think that it is negative. When I'd get into my MB reading modes he always told me I seemed more down and cranky than when I wasn't on here regularly.

I am a very compassionate and feeling person. And I feel for and care about others circumstances. I'd make a terrible counselor though, because I would take all my work home with me! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Glad

You know what? You probably *are* evaluating it more closely... and honestly, if your H sees a problem with your being here, I would weigh the pros and cons and make a decision together if you should stay or go, or lurk occasionally (if that's possible - I'm a black-n-whiter myself, it's either stay or go, no in-between)...

I understand about compassion. I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay sensitive and I would also make a terrible counselor. Lately, though, I'm trying to find some middle ground in my overly-sensitive nature... that allows me to reach out when needed, and PULL BACK other times... or... and this is hardest... know when to GET OUT all together (like of a thread that harms ME)... know what I mean?

WOW..that brings tears to my eyes to know how much you care!


I get so caught up in my own thread to take the time to look at others. I admire all the work you and your husband have put into recovery. I can only pray that my marriage remains intact. Thank You so much for stepping up and taking the time to help "CO" and me. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring. I was lead to a verse on Sunday night. I was in the garage and just starting crying to God to help me and my wife make it thru this difficult time. He responded with giving me the feeling that we are gonna make it thru this. He then responded with "James"! I was sitting in my garage thinking "James". I thought at first God was telling me to be a follower and a disciple like James. But then I started thinking bible...so I got my bible out and was lead to a verse that totally open my heart to God knowing he was still here with me during these difficult times and I wasn't just wishful thinking . The verse was James 1:5-8. If you have a chance read it . It was amazing the way God worked thru me and lead me to this verse. It could have been possible that I was wishful thinking when I thought God told me my wife and I would make it thru this but to open the bible to a chapter and find a confirmation of how I was feeling was amazing!!!

I am sorry if our troubled times are causing you to have an affect on your personal life. I think you are very supportive and have given your heart toward helping us. It is not your life that is hurting your heart, I think it is my wife and I because you love and care for us and it hurts you to see us going thru this. Stay strong and keep the faith. God can do miracles above and beyond anything we could ever imagine!

Dear Glad,
I am way off recovery and already am worried about this hard work. In my naievity I thought that if you needed to "work" on a marriage then something was wrong. My WH thought this too. His A has knocked us both sideways and turned all our beliefs and behaviours upside down.
I guess what I'm asking is, Is the hard work worth it?
I hope in your answer (if you do answer)you show yourself and me that it is.)
Kate xxx

Thanks again for your thoughts NBII! I think you are right about finding the middle ground and also right that that can be hard to define!

I am finding myself very surprised at my somewhat obsessive reaction to my H including this NY woman on the funny email forward. Not at all that I think something is going on there, but wondering, Hey! what happened to our agreement 3 years ago that there is no personal contact with other females?--which he has been so good at thus far.

So I sent him an email, here is what it said:

"Just so I don't continue to obsess...
What is the nature of your contact with her that has gotten to this level of
personal friendliness?

I ask because you sent that funny forward to four people: J, M, me
and her.

How often are you two corresponding in a friendly way with funny emails and
such? How old is she? Is she married?

I ask these things not in a nasty or attacking way, but in a way that
promotes communication and accountability between us.

I DO NOT think any kind of line has been crossed (other than personal
contact with another female), so please do not get defensive, please just
answer my questions.

I think it is one of those things that in the past I would not even have
noticed that you sent it to her. But now I think the awareness is important
and healthy to keep us accountable and strong.

We have had an agreement for nearly 3 years that there would be no personal
conversations/contact with the opposite sex, so I am just interested in
hearing from you how you got to a level of contact with her that would
include forwarding funny emails to her.

Again, I am NOT mad at all. I would very much appreciate you showing me
that you value my feelings and please answer these questions for me.
Thanks, and I love you,"

I was thinking to myself that how he responded to this would be a good indication to how we are really doing right now. If he is angry and defensive and just brushes off my concerns, we really are in a backslide. If he openly and gently responds then we are where I think we are...

He did not disappoint. He just called me. Discussed it very calmly and openly with me and finished with agreeing that that agreement 3 yrs ago is important to put back in the forefront of his mind.

So I am feeling better and won't need to obsess on this thing any longer today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So I go back to my circle about being on here. In this case, being on MB more frequently lately was a positive because it is making me evaluate how we are doing and acknowledging that we are slipping back into some bad habits instead of intentionally MBing every day. I may not have had the heart to calmly communicate this little obsession to him if I had not been on here regularly lately, but where would that have gotten me? Baggage of resentment and obsession and distrust. I have worked very hard for 3 years now to keep my "bag" empty.

Thanks for "listening" to my musings.
Blessings,
Glad

Hi Sorry and Bay Window! Thanks for stopping by. While I was posting above, you two snuck in here.

Sorry....I just read that verse. God is SO faithful it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing how He tangibly spoke to you through His Word during this very difficult time for you and Sarah. Leaning on God right now is THE KEY to helping you persevere through this phase of healing.

Bay Window...Yes it is worth it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
The simple "work" I shared above with regards to releasing my obsession to him about the forwarded email and his loving response back to me makes me feel light as air right now with regards to this situation instead of heavy hearted, and also encourages me to stay on MB as I see how it will help my marriage continue to thrive even as I see the pain of others here.

I, too, believed you shouldn't have to "work hard" at marriage. It either is good or it isn't. WHAT A FALLICY!!!! The best marriages are not by chance. No way! It takes effort every day. Initially, after d-day it felt very forced and unnatural to "work" so hard. But after a consistent 6 months of recovery (in which we did all kinds of recovery type actions) it started to feel more natural.

Now the daily "work" doesn't necessarily always feel conscious, it just feels good to feel good in the marriage. But, here we are, after several months on cruise-control with the "work" not being conscious, that I feel like there is a subtle back-slide.

Again, I may have more readily noticed this by being on here more. But now that my H and I have cleared the air regarding my perceived backslide (other issues we discussed yesterday-not this email thing) I feel excited to jump back in to the conscious work of reevaluating the EN's and doing things that will make my H feel loved. And I know I will receive it in return. A win-win! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I am glad we muddled through this conversation at the start of this week, since our 11th anniversary is on Saturday and we have had way too many anniversarys in the past that just were not worth celebrating!

I hope that sounded like the encouragement I feel in my mind, that working hard at your M is not a sign of it being bad, but a sign of it being good!

There is no place that I'd rather be than here with my H and my 4 girls living this life. Ups and downs, I'll take it all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there Bay...I wasn't clear from your sig line what the letter contact in April was about....is the A back on?

Blessings to you all!
Glad

Like Glad - I too find it brings back a lot of the "four years ago" things I had forgotten. I too have only just posted after two years - just touched by you two and two other people on the forum recently. I didn't even join for two years - lol. Nearly everyone touches someone ...

So I agree with that - I am relieved that it has not affected our current status .. I guess I have made some progress *smile* - my husband - well, he is a bit affected but not toward me - he is only just really completely out of the fog, so he can see bits of himself in all the WHs and it spurs him on to eradicate that which still lingers.

Interestingly enough - I had a lot of biblical help from God during my hard times.

Verse eight of your text in James, is about an indecisive man - the Greek word used in the original manuscript, for "indecisive" means literally "two souled". "Dipseuwkos" or "Dipseuwkohs" (My best phonetic interpretation of the pronounciation) Did you feel two souled when you were in the A? The one you should have honored but pushed down and the one that allowed the affair as if it was an entitlement? In the fog is surely a "two souled" experience - and the soul that is in control is not the one that responds to God. Now you feel put upon it is time to use the soul that following God strengthens. The other will eventually dissipate and cease to be an influence from the past.

SP

Hey Glad,

Just wanted to come on your thread to say hi! I know this is tough for you to bring yourself back to where you once were. I would feel the same way. I just want to say thank you so much for all of your advice! Your posts mean so much to me and I appreciate you coming on this forum even though it is tough for you.

You are a great asset to this forum <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />! I know this is selfish, but I don't want to lose you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

That being said, do what you feel you need to do to be at peace with yourself. That is what matters most!!

--Sarah

Awww, thanks for stopping by Sarah!

I actually am feeling good today. I realize that I did need to have a discussion with my H about some things and it turned out good, which further encourages me that we really are where I think we are and where I want to be in our M.

So being here is positive in a lot of ways. Thank you for making me feel valued here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There are a lot of great people that post regularly and I always wonder....when do they get the laundry and dishes done, because mine is piling up while I sit here!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings!
Glad