Yesterday the OW's boyfriend called my H and asked to meet with him so they could discuss the "situation". I then got the phone number for the boyfriend and called him to see where he stood. Well I found out that the OW has been telling him that my H has been pursuing her since day one. She has expressed a discomfort with the situation to her boyfriend but doesn't feel like it necessarily bothers her so she chose to leave it alone. They then became extremely close and it's now been a seven month battle. Anyway, this is all coming on the coattails of the OW finding out I have her basic info (i.e. her address, phone number, etc.) which if she's just my H "friend" shouldn't I have that info anyway. After my H then shows her the email that I was going to send to her she decided to have her boyfriend, which is a tern I use very loosely in this case, call my H and ask for a meeting with all 4 of us. Well I agree my H does not and they end up cancelling anyway. Somehow I am now this crazy mother of 3 with one on the way stalker. I'm not really sure how I became the villain here but oh well. My H supposedly finally sees her for the scandalous person she is. However, I spoke with the OW today and she claims no wrong doing even though she has made jokes about putting her calls under another name on his cell and has commented on being the OW. She is very attention seeking and plays the damsel in distress very well. My concern now is whether or not to trust my H again after this EA. She has more information about my marriage than I do at this point because my H goes to her as his crying shoulder and vice versa. He works side by side with this woman everyday adn says he'll transfer but he's said that before. Just as he was supposed to be making this a professional relationship but was still showing her my emails and telling her that he hopes she's comfortable with him. Obviously he is upset with her at the moment for playing him(his words) but will that last. She basically just laid into me this morning about how I was a bad wife and person. And giving me marriage advice. But in the midst of all that she also told me that my H collegues all sit around and laugh at me and how I feel about their relationship. Apparently I'm just petty. I am so torn as to what to do. Please Help!

Mellysue

Typical behavior from someone interfering in a marriage. I would request that your husband find another job. Also see if he will go to counseling, because apparently he doesn't know how to honor his marriage.

My H is fianlly agreeing to counseling and I'm glad but I feel so betrayed. It was bad enough when I just knew there was an EA but to find out he has told her as many details about our marriage as he did is earth shattering. Not only did he devulge our information but also my past. All the hurt that I felt before has now been magnified 100x over. I am a very private person and now a whole workplace knows everything about my past and is making jokes about it. To make matters worse I just sat there and took all the things she said. I hold her just as responsible as my H but I didn't say a word. I am so disappointed in myself for not standing up for myself while she judged me and tore me down as a human being. Obviously it was my husband who painted me in such a light but where does somebody who knows she's interfering in a marriage and family get off lecturing me. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I'm just not sure how to resolve my hurt or the disappointment I feel about how this played out with the OW.

Mellysue

mellysue, can I ask why you care about the opinion of an old who** who screws around with married men? Surely you jest. Shouldn't you, instead, value the opinion of people whom you RESPECT?

What is your opinion of some woman who screws around with married men?

This is a good reason why it usually does no good to speak to the OP.


As you can see, applying the term "professional" to an affair does not change the affair. It is really cute and all, but it changes nothing. Contact is contact and as long as contact takes place, the affair is on. Is he now willing to REALLY end contact? Or do we have a new cute name for the affair?

Will your husband end all contact with the OW by sending her a no contact letter?

I'm not sure whether or not my H would agree to a no contact letter. It is definately something I will ask for. How do I deal with the fact that they still work together? My h had to discuss it with his boss yesterday since the OW had already gone to her and told her she wants her and my H to continue to be close but I make her uncomfortable. Which makes me furious. I mean seriously I make HER uncomfortable-the girl pursues the affection of my H and this is her response. But anyway he had to explain to his boss that he was wrong in dispensing personal information to her and that he had painted me in an inaccurate light. The fact remains that he assured me things would be different before so how do I trust that now. He seems pretty determined now after finally seeing she isn't everything he thought she was but that's now what about after he calms down and she plays the feel bad for me card again and he starts to feel bad about not talking to her. When again my feelings will come after hers. What do you do with the knowledge that your H felt safer, more secure, and trusting of another woman after you've waited so long for him to open up to you?

Mellysue

Mellysue, you should never trust him as long as they continue to work together. He has to end contact completely even if that means finding another job or moving to another state. The affair will not end until contact ends.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

it is VERY IMPORTANT that you definitely have NC for life...

we moved seven hours away from the original ow....the defamed monkeyho...had false recovery off/on one year...and he simply took the affair way underground.

and we were seven hours away from her.

DRASTIC STEPS MUST BE TAKEN...and the WS must be COGNIZANT AND WILLING TO TAKE THE DRASTIC STEPS SO THAT CONTACT NEVER OCCURS FOR LIFE...or else, you will have happen what happened to me.

but even with dilligence, I never saw it coming. when his affair surfaced in the end, i found out it was not only ONE OW, BUT TWO OW.

if he's (WS) committed to recovery WITH YOU FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...he must be committed to doing all things...NC for LIFE and total transparency. My xh had business trips (which he had to do) and other things that allowed him to have even a teeny bit of alone time and he grabbed em' and used that little bit of a window time frame to dig a deep tunnell and put his affair waaaaay underground outta sight.