My wife has been in an affair for little over 2.5 months, though the relationship/friendship started probably the end of December. Felt something funny 3/4/06 asked if there was someone else, guess what - she lied. Finally 4/1/06 after she really was trenched into this affair she said it was over after 15 yrs, and one 8 yr old child. Said she never really loved me, and now "she really understands what she always wanted", very similair to what Surviving describes.

I was a mess with the whole situation, begging her to give me a chance, she said after 15 years I get no more chances. I said "just three months to see if we can get past this", her answer a solid NO. She was certain of her decision, and said she really wants to marry this guy who is a single divorced parent she met where my son goes to school.

This was all a little over a month ago, and I found out where he lived, watched my wife go to his pathetic 2 bedroom apt. everyday for the next week after school, even taking my son there to play video games while they did "other things". This guy can't even get his rusted out car fixed because he can't afford it, so now she is chaufering him and his daughter to school, work and anywhere else. I see him at school with her acting like a couple, like everything is fine. Tthen she allowed him to take our $50,000 dollar car and use it like his own. Now he picks her up and drops her off, spending every moment they can together. He also knows she recently received a large inheritance,(over 400k) and they started looking to buy thier dream home for "thier new family". Incidentally the Lover is 35, my Wife 45.

After 2 weeks I went nuts, locked her car in the garage after she strolled in with my son on a school night 20 minutes after his bedtime. My son wanted to talk and by the time I got downstairs she was already back out the door leaving me a little note saying "be back in a little while". I realized she would not have the car and so ran outside to see her taking the only available car - an old beater and driving out of the driveway with it. I called her cell phone and said we needed to talk, but she refused to do so since she now "didn't feel safe ". She was on the phone with her lover for 30 minutes in front of my house when I walked out there again asking to talk.

She would only do so if she could sit in the car and me stand outside. Found out later she had Lover on the cell phone the whole time, who then could be a witness to the situation. I made some dumb comments about possibly locking her out, and packing her up her things if she didn't stop the affair, these things would be used against me. That night she came home at 3am with the police to get her things. Next morning he took her down to file for DV, and put a restraining order on me so I couldn't even live in my own house. Good news is got restraining order overturned the next day, but it required me to cut my house in half, it was already like a duplex, now I live on one side, and she on the other, and we get each get our son every other week. Sorry for all the background, but I think its needed to understand my delema. Two days later I found "Surving" on the web and went out and bought it and realized I had been blowing holes in my feet with my insane behavior.

After two weeks of controling the big three, Anger/Disrespect/Judgments I don't really know where I am. Am I still looking at Plan A, or is this Plan B? I can't really cut off my son now because he would see me walking away, not to mention if she does go through I don't want her with full custody. I do want to save this but if I am in Plan A still, what do I put in my correspondence to her. I have told her I'm reading "Surviving", I'm willing to do anything to get a chance to reconcile, but don't want to make it any worse. I believe her conscience is really working her over, and the week I just had with my son was pretty hard on her, but she still sees him outside playing since were almost in the same house. Any suggestions about what to write, or if I should wait a little while first? Surviving" only mentioned that Jon wrote letters with Dr Harley's direction but no details of content.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It's a good place to be. Start in Plan A which includes showing her what a great husband you could be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.

The one thing I see that is going to be a problem is the money your wife inherited. In my state that is sole property. She will probably blow it all on the other man, and then he will dump her.

Alleni, I'm sorry to see you here. You've come to the right place though. Get a grip on yourself. Everything is not lost and you can recover your marriage if you want it. It will take a lot of work, no little sacrifice, and much patience but it can be done.

Here's a link to another newly betrayed spouse's story. I made a post to that man suggesting he needed a strategic plan for recovery. It's general enough for you to benefit from reading it. Up to now, you've not done much that will have any effect on the adultery but it's not too late. Read through that post, if you have a moment, and think of how you can apply it to your situation.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all


To help you, we need to know more about this. Take advantage of your anonymity out here to give a full description of how your wayward wife meet this guy, whether your wife works with him, if he's married, etc., etc. When in doubt, give more detail rather than less.

Hang in there pardner. This is tough, but others have worked their way through it and so can you.

Sweet Jesus alleni!

Another one! My FWW found solace in the arms of an ex-con who spent 5 years in the pen for beating a man nearly to death. I'm with you man.

Mine came back to me, maybe you can make it too.

Well Longhorn if you want the gory details I'll try to fill in some blanks. Two years ago I was at a school field day helping out with the activities. This guy walks up to my wife and has a brief talk with her. I immediately questioned who it was, she said he was just one of the parents who had a daughter in the school. She never said he was divorced though. Frankly though I saw a click in thier personalities and that is why I questioned it and after her reply I dropped it, because I did trust her and rightly so because nothing ever happened after that. He did work on some school projects with her and I'm sure some of the foundation of friendship was built over the next 19 months. I think it was a innocent GOOD friendship, he is in to photography, and so was my wife, and they worked on the yearbook as part of a group. No doubt this is why when she confessed she said "Shes seeing someone", I said "who" her reply was "someone at the school". My next comment was "the photographer?", to which she said yes.

She admitted that it was only a few months old, and it all started with emails late at night back in February. She did have some communication over the cell with him in December, but I don't think either of them had an affair in mind, it was only after 2/1/06 that his number was no longer showing up on her phone, and mysteriously a number with caller ID unavailable began to appear. Her emails she became very protective of as would be obvious then it was like there was none, I did some digging after she confessed and found Lover boy taught her how to set up a gmail account that would be private. I cracked into it to find out that she had been emailing extensively for about 6 weeks and kept all of them. Needless to say I had a pretty nasty bit of reading to do. Later she found out I got in there and she was smoking.

THe day after admittion I told her we needed to spend the day together and she obliged. She told me her first one on one time with him was having coffee with him once. I might also mention her Mom passed away last summer, and I couldn't really get her to grieve about it ot talk to me about it. Apparently she felt comfortable to talk with him about it though and he comforted her. We have never been great at communicating, I also viewed my caring for her needs as my part of the marriage, jusy like Jon in "Surviving", I just always knew I would be faithful, I mean I have gotten several opportunities to meet women who wanted more than a business relationship but it was never even a thought. I just wish I had read that book about six months earlier. I would have found a way to get her to open up to me but instead I was too busy. In December I was busy with a new business that I had not told her about, and she did not agree with it when she found out, it was an Multi Level Marketing business that was consuming an additional 15 or so hours a week. Little did I know at the same time she was starting to find comfort in talking to him. She told me the first physical contact was simply a hug. Then the next time he was under her shirt, and by the next visit the juices started flowing.

I really believe she told me all this so I would divorce her, then she would marry him. Thats when she got her first surprise and said I wanted to work it out. Unfortunately I see the frieght train of divorce coming down the tracks by late July and don't know if I can get it to stop. Once she DV me and remarries I don't think I can keep on believing. As I mentioned in my first listing, the letters that Jon wrote what type of things would I try to focus on. Frankly she doesn't even want to talk to me about anything, even told me being her friend wasn't a concern of mine any more. Is this mean behavior something I just have to forge through, do I appologize for not being there for her. Let me know how Plan A might best be applied.

Well, it's not the gory details, exactly. What we look for is whether you have children, and if so, how many are still at home, whether your wife works and where. Where he works, whether he's married, etc.

So reading between the lines, it appears your wife works for the school...a teacher? Okay, that's good information.

So she met a photographer who does contract work for the school or something like that? Do you belong to a church? Have you retained an attorney? Things like that are the things folks need to help you devise a plan.

Did you read that thread I gave you a link to? If so, you should be able to start organizing a way to break this adultery up and recoup your marriage.

You confronted your wife and she's refused to stop the adultery. I don't know what kind of evidence you have. Do you have photos of her with the other man? Emails? If so, secure them somewhere (outside the house) where she has no access to them.

Since she declined to stop the adultery, your next step is to begin exposing this obscenity to everyone on a list of people who can put pressure on the affair. If your wife works for the school district, or even if she just does volunteer work for them, the school superintendent is an excellent person to add to your list. A photo of your wife kissing bozo will work wonders in the superintendent's office. If he works for the school or school district, the same thing goes for him. They will put enormous pressure on him.

Okay, you know the next step, exposure. It's the beginning of Plan A. While you wait for SAA to be delivered, take a look at the "Most Popular Links" in the upper right of every MB page.

Here is a link to a discussion of Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

And here is a discussion of the "Carrot and Stick" approach of Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

Okay, pardner. That's enough for a while. If you like, folks out here will help you evaluate candidates for exposing the adultery to. There's no need for a long delay, btw. Things aren't going to get better if they're allowed to fester. Hang in there. Rough road ahead.

My son is in the third grade and I did read the link, but not quite sure how to apply it. Wife doesn't deney afair, matter of fact it is all over the school already. When it was my week with my son to pick him up, these two love birds were waiting on his daughter like a perfect couple, laughing with other parents who were well aware of the situation. They have been picking up both the kids for several weeks without me knowing it. They both play with the kids on the playground , basicly brainwashing my son that everything is alright. Also I have been told by severeal of the staff how sorry they were for me, so they don't even seem to care. My wife isn't a teacher but her classification is a Parent Helper who works only about 2-3 hours in the school during the day. He doesn't work for the school he is a computer tech who does photography on the side. His activity with the yearbook was voulunteer work.

As far as exposing she has already been excomunicated from the church, I've contacted every friend we have ever had, and though they have tried to talk to her she isn't budging one little bit. Is it pretty common at some point I will even get a chance to reconcile? Also because of the original Restraining order I can't get too agressive or she may call the police again. I will try the superintendent and see if that has any affect.

Your wayward wife is deep in the fog.

You can't do a proper Plan A until this obscenity is smashed. Your wife is already ignoring her church’s teachings, she’s been excommunicated, all of her close friends disapprove…and it means nothing to her. It's not likely the school superintendent will have enough influence to stop this.

Friend, I think your wife is in a special category of WS who are cold and cruel enough to flaunt their adultery in their spouse's (and everyone else's) face. They are thoroughly unrepentant and do not care about the consequences of their adultery. That last characteristic is a tough nut to crack.

Alleni, I think you should get a counseling session from Steve Harley. The appointments can be made from links here on MB. I will be honest. I do not know how you can apply MB principles in your situation. I hope SH does.

Pardner do you have a good attorney? I talking about a mean, vicious, bulldog who loves the fight? If not, you need to get one and I think the sooner you do, the better. Further, I think you need to file for a legal separation, get custody of your children, and get a protection order ASAP to keep the other man away from your child. Freeze your wife's assets and keep her from spending any money on that "dream house." I don’t know where you live. If you are in a state such as North Carolina, where there is still a way to sue the other man for damages under the concept of “alienation of affection,” DO IT.

Hire a private investigator and get documentation of her adultery.

All this can have a two-fold effect. First, you and your son are protected legally. His future is assured and you get to hang on to your sanity. Second, she's going to come smack up against some cold, hard facts of life when you quit supporting her. It CAN have a sobering effect and bring her back to reality. We'll hope it does.

Alleni, your story isn't unknown. Others out here are going through the same thing. For right now, I see your best bet to be working to protect you and your children first. Hang in there, okay?

Hi Alleni, Longhorn is right, Steve Harley could probably be an enormous help to your situation. He could assess your situation and give you a plan.

Some other opportunities I see here are exposure to the superintendent, the OM's boss, his parents. What about your wife's parents? Do they know? Do her siblings know?

I would also suggest that you get a legal protection from allowing the OM to be around your son. Affairees often try and drag innocent children into their affairs in order to give them a false sense of respectibility. They use the children to "normalize" their sleazy affair. It is a huge wake up call to be prevented LEGALLY from dragging the children into the sewer with them.

Longhorn is giving you excellent advice. Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I would like to feel good about the last two posts....but it isn't leaving me feeling too positive. First I do have an attorney already, but is he a bull dog? Not sure, I picked him for his 30 years of experience and his similair personality to WS brother. Her brother is also an attorney in another state and if I provided a person who was similair to him I thought she might not get one, and she hasn't yet. Originally she wanted to go down the divorce path without using one, she did use the legal system to get a restraining order on me though with some shallow threats I made, so she can get mean. OM is the one who took her to the court house to direct her though each piece of paper work, both of them are procrastinators and so I am relying on the passage of time that the divorce will not go so smoothly.

As far as protecting my son this is frusterated me, when I had the restaining order overturned I had to give her shared custody week on/week off and if anything I'm the one on the ropes. I can't stop her from taking him anywhere she wants with this guy. He drives her to school with my son, picks them up, plays with him and drives them back to his apartment in our car. When I first found this out I went nuts, so I locked up the car one night, and thats what was used against me to get a restaining order, disabling a car that we both had our names on.

One last thought I would like some input on though. If this does proceed down the present disaster path, I still believe these two love birds can't last. If she divorces me, marries him and they blow all the money I don't see how a relationship that started with lies, selfish desire, and two people who don't respect marriage can last on lust. Am I wrong here, do these things ever work out to "happily ever after" for the WS. This girl likes things and the only way she'll have them if she uses all her money, then when gone, it's going to get ugly. Do I hang on for that?

Lastly how do you use Steve Harley where on the site do I find his input?

Sorry we can't be more optimistic right now, pardner. I think you are in a bind and there is a steel trap about to snap shut around you. I've seen it happen with men who have wives similar to the one you describe. Please, please, please...do NOT sit still and WAIT for things to happen to you.

That's very nice of you to pick an attorney who might remind your adulterous wife of her brother. That gives her a nice, warm feeling inside I'm sure. Wake up, Mister! You're in a war and you want mean, hard fighters on your side, not nice fellows who project a calming influence to your wife.

Okay, find out if this guy will be your bull dog. Sit down and explain what has been going on and what you see coming down the pike. Ask him what he can do immediately to go to war with the alien who's taken over your wife. If you get a good feeling, and he's willing to move very fast, stay with him. If you get the feeling life moves slowly in his world and there's a time for everything, find a fast-moving go-getter, who WILL represent you aggressively, repeat, aggressively.

I don't understand why you say you can't do anything about the shared custody agreement. Is your attorney telling you that thing is set in granite and can never be changed? If he is, find another attorney ASAP and get a second opinion.

You are entirely correct. Your alien and her partner in adultry are a mismatched pair and there's almost no chance they will make a go of this. I used to have some stats at my fingertips but I've misplaced them. Working from memory, only a tiny percentage of affair partners actually make it to the alter. Of these, something around 5% are still married at the end of 2 years, almost all have split up by the 5-year point, and the number who make it to the 10-year point is statistically insignificant. It happens, and you'll hear of it, but you're hearing of the exceptions, not the rule.

Dr. Harley, in Surviving An Affair, notes that almost all affairs die within two years. I assume you're getting a copy of that book, right? You really need to get it and study it from cover to cover.

As for contacting Steve Harley, at the top of every MB webpage and right under the MB logo, click on the menu button "Counseling Center." That's the portal into setting up an appointment.

Hang in there, man. You've got a slim window of opportunity to start working on this. Use it, okay?