Its been more than a year since D-day. After months of stalling...he finally left. I am relieved.

I'll post more after the kids go to bed.

I am ok.

I'm so glad to hear you are ok with this. I wish you peace and calm.

Is he planning something, or was is a sudden decision to just up and leave?

I just wrote a really long detailed post and its in cyberspace somewhere!!!

Confused42 - I am waiting for your update!

Are you ok? Your WH left? Did his A resume?

Waiting for your story!!!

Take Care...

Sorry to leave you guys hanging...I was beat last night.

Brief recap of whole situation:
WH had LTA (don't know how long) EA turned PA with family friend. After thinking I had lost my mind, I found MB. I did plan A gathered evidence, confronted WH/OW they denied, denied and denied. Exposed evidence to OWH. Exposed A to friends and family (who already suspected "friendship" was more).

WH left briefly last year, wanted to return the next day. He cried and admited EA had turned "somewhat physical", promised to do whatever I needed. Against the advice of many wise and experienced MBers I let him come home. Of course we were the exception. (NOT!!)

Once he was home...he refused to write NC letter (its silly...big red flag)...refuse counseling (big redflag) But he stopped going out at night...stopped being glued to his cell phone...was very moody. I hoped it was withdrawl. One month later OWH contacted me...he discovered IM contact. Confronted WH he lied. Then minimized saying they hadn't seen eachother.

I asked him to leave again...he refused. He said we needed to get away together. So we took a family trip cross country.

Sorry just got paged I have to go see a patient...I'll be back.

c42, I'm happy that you are finally free of the misery. This will help. YOu sound like you are doing well.

Your WH sounds so much like my WW.

Stay strong and keep us updated.

Thanks for stopping by HTW I feel much better not living in limbo. I posted on your thread.

Back to the story.
We went cross country Grand Canyon , San Francisco the works it was great. But he managed to ignore me cross country.

And the same treatment has continued. He refused to go anywhere alone with me. He would TELL me things but would not participate in any give and take conversation. He was open to SF but not intimacy.

We coexisted... he refused to leave...refused to work on M. I felt neglected and used. It was limboland. He would occassionally be kind and throw a few crumbs but no substance.

In February I had finally reached my limit I called my lawyer to start D proceedings. He was fine with that...cooperative even. It was great it let him off the hook I was the one getting the D.

A couple of weeks ago I told him D was a big step one that I was not willing to take unless we first tried other options. I told him I had a couple ideas. My choice would be to intensely work on our marriage for at least 3 months and if at the end of that time there was no progress I would then continue D proceedings. His response?... Whats the other option?

I told him he needed to leave for 3 months. He chose the 2nd option. When it came down to it I had to tell the kids he was leaving. And I facilitated his move to his Dad's.

It is amazing to me that the man I had always depended on for strength and courage has turned out to be a spineless coward.

So he left.

The kids have been great through all this, I guess limboland was no fun for them either. It breaks my heart that they have to go through this. The kids and I slept well and today it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Confused,

I really don't have any good advice for you but I wanted to say I will keep you in my prayers.

As I have not done such a good job in my sitch I don't feel qualified to give any advice.

Stay strong and focused on you and your children.....

Hurting

My H has been reading this book called "Should I Stay or Go?" by Lee Raffel. It's about a concept called "controlled separation." Our Family Counselor suggested it, after I told her I was planning a D. It does have some interesting thoughts; one of the most important things being that the separation be governed by a "contract" that you and H hammer out. One of the first things in the contract is setting a specific length of time to the separation (which you did). The next thing is agreeing that neither will file for D during the "controlled separation." There are a lot of other parts, and it might be worth reading, given your current situation. It seemed from the book that some marriages got better after the CS, others clearly knew that D was the way to go. Since we're in that kind of limbo right now, we thought it was worth reading. Most of it agrees with MB principles, but there is one aspect, where the H & W have the option of "dating others" during the CS, if they desire to. Sounds a bit like enabling an A, if you ask me. Other stuff was pretty useful, though. Good luck.

I TOTALLY DISAGREE!!!
You have been amazing...you can only control yourself not your stupid alien WH! You have handled every turn in the road with strength and honesty. You have had pitfalls (don't we all?) but you learned from them and became stronger for it! You have survived your WH's affair, I don't know that I could say the same for him!

Thanks for your support <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks I will check out that book.

We do have an agreement. It covers parenting time, support, discipline with the kids, bills, property maintainence. We have agreed to no dating until/or if we divorce. (although that didn't stop him when we were together.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

WH is taking the kids out to dinner tonight. He will pick them up before I get home from work. When he brings them back I will have more of his stuff packed and waiting for him. There are fresh baked cookies on the kitchen counter, the estimate I got for getting work done on the house and his mail. My sink is shinned ( www.flylady.net ).

I think I'm ready for this...why do I feel a knot in my stomach? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

WH picked up the kids before I got home from work. While he was here he fixed the driveway gate that has been apart for over a year. I busied myself with errands while they were gone the house seemed too quiet.

He brought them back a little while ago. The kids had a good time they went to dinner and a movie. After a couple minutes of awkward small talk he left. His eyes looked so dead. I cannot believe this man was my H.

I'm sitting here crying like an idiot...I don't know why. I don't want this man. I'm at peace when he is not here. And yet I cry. I guess I expected him to hate this as much as I do. I should know better. I expected him to hate the quiet being without us. I should know better. He seems like a stranger to me. I guess I'm grieving the loss of my H I don't think he is coming back.

{{{{{Confused}}}}}

My turn to give you hugs. I understand how you feel...but like was shared with me earlier today --- there are brighter roads ahead. We have to hold onto that.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Take Care!!

Kim

I feel better. I guess it was the 1st night he had the kids and I was on edge not knowing what to expect. Coming here and getting it out helps tremendously.

Then I found out about American Idol...WOW!

Thanks for the hugs and support Kim...right back at ya!

Where are the MIB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> (men in black) to zap these aliens when we need them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

"I'm sitting here crying like an idiot...I don't know why"

Because you're mourning the loss of your dream to have a great marriage with that man. I felt the same way at the end of my 1st marriage. I left him, yet I was grieving more than he was. Mourning the loss of something that was 'supposed' to be. Gentle hugs C42. You will find greener pastures and you will be happier and at peace.

{{confused42}}

Thanks for the support guys.
I feel better, a little tired but ok.

I forgot to thank WH for fixing the gate so I sent him a short email. He replied today saying he was sorry he had not kept up with the house. Could that be guilt????

Hi Confused42,

I haven't been following your story, but just read this post and wanted to give you some encouragement. I think you have done all that you can do to "rebuild" your M. A couple months after DDay, I had a revelation that if I felt that I had done everything I could to make our M work, that I would be able to leave the M with a clear conscience. I think you have done that.

Your H, on the other hand, does not have a clear conscience. Hence, the dead look in his eyes. I bet when he dropped the kids off and left, he felt some pain. Of course, he doesn't want you to see this.

Good luck "Unconfused42"...you are doing what is best for you and your kids! I wish you the best...

Confused - I haven't followed your threads much either. I am also sorry about where you are. Hang in there and take something from the Mamafish post - you did what you could. I am trying to do what I can too, but it may not work. I have to think that many WS's realize one day what they have lost. It's too bad they don't realize it sooner.