Can you see how insidiously this contact for full blown out fix occurred..

first the date question email....
that's a NO brainer...

NO reply
NO nothing....

then he's at the house....

she should have left...cause not only is he at the house....

he ends up spending the night!!! in the bed while she's on the FLOOR!!!!!

what is that ???

she tries to engage him with no contact ..
he changes the subject and line of thought completely in to nebulous pipe dreams of buying a house for ALL of them...

when he hasn't even DEALT with the affair...

oh good conversation stopper...
good avoidance...

and he gets rewarded the whole way along..
stay the night...

then he's told not to come down this weekend and he agrees...

why ??

because his conscience is alleviated that she really didnt' meant the plan B letter....and now that he has had his fix...he can have good time this weekend...

uggghhhhhhh

one of these is bad...
contacting etc...

a whole night of playing sleep over is really bad...

and here we are no real declaration of cutting contact
no plan from him...
etc...


am I really the only one who sees it this way...and that everyone else thinks he did good ????
ARK

I AGREE!! But she didn't...



I didn't really get this either...



I missed this part about trying to engage him about NC and THEN he follows by talking about buying the house.

GUILTY AS COULD BE CHARGED!! Reading my situation into hers...I know, I know..her H is not my H but we actually did just that...buy the house..

And I did suggest that if he does not do the NC LETTER today..back into DARKNESS...



I did worse during one of my PLAN B slipups..let's just put it this way..I'm the BAD GIRL who would have slept in the bed with him..at least, Cha-Cha wasn't as bad as me..nothing to be proud of I know..

BUT..I MADE A COMEBACK...here to tell the story...wiping my brow...WHEW...



We'll see. I think it's coming. She may have prolonged things, you're absolutely right, Ark...

Like I said before, we all fall down but we get up...

CC, I have to agree with ark here on this one. I hate to see the same thing happen to you as did with Shattered. You know how the WS work and how they will try to break NC with the BS.

It must be so tempting after so long...I understand how you must feel. I just don't want to see you get hurt again so please be careful.

Your Plan B letter clearly spells out what you need from your WH. He needs to show you he is serious.

You know him better than all of us so use your judgement and trust your gut feeling.

ark^^ and mimi...Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I leave the computer to do some work and I missed all that. This is the conflict I have going on in my head. I'm picturing you both on my shoulders.

ark^^you are right when I saw his car I should have kept driving. But now in hindsight, I'm glad I went in and was able to help him. I don't regret letting him spend the night with the amount of bleeding he had he would have ended up in the hospital. (maybe that would've been better I don't know) but since I'm a nurse I couldn't send him away bleeding. I chose to give him the bed because it was easier on my back taking care of the wound. I wanted to be close in case there was a problem during the night but I didn't want to sleep in the bed with him.

mimi...I didn't contact him today. The last contact he will have is the email I sent yesterday he will get that today...it refers him back to my plan B letter.

So I showed compassion to my H and I restated my boundaries w/WH. I plan to stay dark and let my plan B letter speak for me. I don't want to get distracted by crumbs and empty promises. I would be open to seeing him if he complies with pbl requests. That just starts a conversation.

I really do appreciate your support and guidance

Just for a little clarification..I wrote this in a previous post and may have misrepresented actual events.


When I told him that what I wrote in the letter still holds true his response was "ok" so he got that part.

Later he told me he had been looking for realestate during a different dialog. (at the time I thought this is a crumb to shut me up...)

Since he has not done what I requested in plan B letter. Conversation was limited. We did not talk about R. I treated him like a patient.

HTW thanks for stopping by and I sure could use all the support I can get. I do not want to cave on plan B. I know this was a set back...but under the circumstance me being who I am, I couldn't turn him away. At least I know he is thinking...I don't think plan B is over by a long shot...way too soon. He will have the kids this weekend and will not be able to drive the distance, so at least I will have control over pick up and drop off.

YOU'RE WELCOME..HANG IN THERE!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I got a call on my cell from WH...I ignored it. He left a message the bleeding started again. I didn't call him...I feel terrible. My 1st instinct is to drop what I'm doing and go to him. But if we were D... would he still expect me to care for him? If he doesn't want me as a wife...part of me is a nurse...he doesn't get the nurse without the wife. I guess he should learn how to care for himself without me, if he can't get the bleeding stopped he'll have to go to the hospital.

THIS IS HARD>>>>IS THIS WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING??? I am really conflicted and fighting myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now I see what ark is talking about!

He's playing you for a fool now.

You don't want to be his nurse. You are his wife.

He needs to go to an Urgent Care Center or the Emergency Room...call 911..PLEEZE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Yes..indeedy....

He's being a big baby...

Not only are NOT his nurse..you are NOT his mother...

((( Cha Cha )))

I have been meaning to tell you this --

I LOVE your new name !!!

You are receiving great advice here from some of the best. I think your WH is coming around, just may take a little more time.

Just wanted to send a hug and let you know I love your name.

Carnation

Hi ChaCha,
I'm sure it was a big dilemna on what to do in the situation
with WH, and know how easy it is to think of the H and want
to help, or deal with them like we've been used to for such
a long time.
In my case, WH is really pushing on the house sale and D
and I'm really feeling like things are going from bad to
worse. Just seems like every bad thing that could happen
to me is happening all at once and it's really sapping my
strength and optomism right now.
I'm going to walk the dog when I get home, then "baby"
myself with a good dinner, bath, and early to bed.
Hang in there partner !
Slammed

I haven't contact him and I haven't heard any from again. I'm having a glass of wine with a good friend of mine that agrees with ark^^. I guess we'll wait this out.

Thanks for the support guys!

Once Plan B is broken, you allow him to get his fix, it is harder to make him believe you are serious about Plan B again...

WS will be incredibly manipulative to remain in contact with the BS for many different reasons...to relieve their guilt, to get that fix of home and marriage, because the OP is temporary and they want the BS to wait till after their fling, etc.

And they will maintain this contact in many different ways...getting angry, creating crisis, ignoring boundaries, etc.

Your WH has found a way to pull you out of Plan B, his health, his NEED for you to help him...you are a helper, he knows he can appeal to that side of you.

He is being disrespectful of you. He is ignoring your boundaries and wants to have the OW and YOU at the same time.

He had a cut/treatment and did not follow the surgical order to not strain himself...why? because he KNEW you would take care of him. If you weren't around? He would go back to the Dr. or to the hospital. OK, so he's bleeding. He created it, he should deal...

Please, please, PLEASE be diligent about keeping no contact in Plan B. I have seen BS after BS that went to long, or kept a half-hearted Plan B, and they ended up D. Why? Because Plan B is for YOU. Plan B is remove yourself from the lovebank hemorrhaging (no pun intended) that occurs hourly with being faced with a disrespectful spouse. Plan B removes you form this situation so you can preserve what love you have left and allows the A to die of natural causes. Let HER fix his bleeding...Let HER fulfill all H's EN's...see how well she does...

You have to put your love remaining on a shelf, preserve it, and REMOVE yourself from this situation. Every time you see him, think of him, hear from him, a little more love is removed.

DON'T be like so many posters and allow that love to deplete completely. Be vigilant about preserving your love for him...NO CONTACT!!!!

amen stillhere...

it's very very important for BS during plan A and B to choose their words carefully..

say what they mean
and
mean what they say..

active WS are champions at twisting words both to their OP and spouses...

BS in good plans...something hugely lacking in a WS life...

not fog speak
not meaningless changable definitions...

no contact means no contact..
inspite of blood loss even....

no grown man is going to bleed to death from an office procedure...unless he is dumb as dirt..and I assume this WS is NOT dumb as dirt...

the office doc needs to know about the complication to fix and address...AND be more diligent with others...

for the plan B to MEAN anything..it MUST be backed by meaningful actions....

ARK

ARK!!!

I want to acknowledge that I was WRONG and you were SOOO RIGHT!!

This PLAN B FAILURE CHAMPION..needs to be CAREFUL where she sticks her nose...

Sorry, Cha-Cha...

I can only empathize on this one...

The good thing that I can say is that you can certainly REGROUP and GET RIGHT BACK IN THE SADDLE...learning from your mistakes...BEEN THERE DONE THAT...

mimi...

I didn't think you were WRONG...
just sniffing glue or mixing bleach with ammonia ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I was surprised with the amount of advised contact..only five days in to plan B....

I was just surprised it was from you...my little plan A and plan B champion..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

cha-cha will be fine....
this is a small blip....

ARK

DANG IT! How did you know? I was trying to be secretive about my addictions. That smell must be emanating from the computer screen. GEEZ...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You guys are SO RIGHT!!!! The more I think about him manipulating me the madder I get. It is disrespectful and totally selfish on HIS part!

First of all if after the procedure if he followed DR orders and went back to his place to rest NONE of this would have happened at all.

I haven't heard anything more from him other then the message he left last night. He thinks I will call and check on him to see how he is. NOT GONNA HAPPEN

What big sacrifice did I ask of him?...let me see...no contact w/ a woman he had an affair with....and....make a commitment to me and our M.

I do mean what I say...its about time he learns that. Even if its the hard way.

ark^^, stillmakingit and mimi...I know that I can do this...I will follow the advice given. I've been on here long enough to see what works and what doesn't. Doing it is hard. Last night was hard but I did it.He is NOT an unique WS...he is following the script. I do need reminders and I will ask for guidance frequently...because I do have a soft spot.

I am taking the kids up to be with him for the weekend. I am dropping them off w/my SIL.

My horoscope for today...sounds like plan B advice.

All your preparation is done -- the pieces are put together and now you just have to let it go and see how it runs. Response may be slow in coming, so don't freak out if there isn't a thunderous round of applause right away. While you wait, distract yourself with fun adventures with friends. Do some mindless activities and soak up the latest news about what other people are doing. Step outside of yourself and then check back in on results later.

DARK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />DARK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> DARK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I had to smile when you said this. This has often been said about me. Our loved ones know this and "PLAY" us. Right?

Along with being DARK, I also learned to be TOUGH..as you many have noticed...My YS even said: "Mommy, you've changed, you didn't used to be like this..I used to be able to talk you... out of/or into... things..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

However, sometimes the SOFTNESS slips out like it did yesterday.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I learned a lesson early on....I needed to learn it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

cc, your horoscope sounds like it is describing Plan B...scary!

You've been on here a long time and read many stories so you know how the WS tries to break NC in Plan B. He is testing you...he needs to know you are serious.

You are doing well so so don't let me have to kick your butt if you fall off the Plan B wagon again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HTW