Post deleted by insyder

Your W's statements are very confusing. How can one join the navy and be a single parent? Why would a person need to go to a hotel because they are going t/b a single parent. Does any of this make sense to you?

Please clarify Who is the WS (wayward spouse) vs the BS (betrayed spouse).

L.

Sorry, no WS or BS. I've just seen MANY recommendations throughout this forum that GQII was the most active and I could get the most help here.

However, if I were pressed to label... I would have to define myself as the WS. My past behavior involved spousal neglect, emotional abuse, which has led to current (her statement) respect issues.

I do respect the person she is. She gave birth to my two children, and is the woman I have spent the last 10 years of my life with.

However, I do admit that I many times disregard her feelings or opinion.


For example, the argument today stemmed from her telling me to let our 2 month old "cry it out" and from me NOT doing so. He was crying, so I attempted to soothe him(against her wishes). It was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. And now she's gone with my kids.


She said she would consider temporarily leaving the kids with me to pursue the military career. Her current career as a self employed person is probably not enough for her to live away from her parents.

And no, the hotel thing is serously wierd to me. Her parents are great, and would have no problem taking her and the kids in. The hotel is a waste of time and money to me. But in effort to consider her EN, I'd say she's using it as a transitional process.

I hate to say this but something's brewing in your W's head. Her heart may have already left the building.

You may actually have a Ws on your hands.

Either way.....go read His Needs/Her Needs. Read the concepts section above and take the EN questionnaire. Once as yourself and 2nd as her. Ansewer as best as you can. Then compare. Let her know you did this since you thought she wouldn't want to participate. Just by your saying this, she may take the questionnaire just out of spite (another WS sign). If so, let her take it. She will try to fudge it, that's ok.

The book His Needs/Her Needs will help you see how to generally communicate with the female gender. That won't answer or fix all your W's issues but it w/b a start.

Now don't fret with her. Sounds like she wants to yank your strings and cause you pain. I hope you don't want to be in pain. If not, let's get you a plan.

U game?

L.

Thanks for the responses, Orchid.

I have the His/Her needs book (for parents) and have been working through it. I understand the Love Bank, Love Buster and EN concepts quite well. I haven't taken the time to fill out the EN questionaire even for myself. But I have the feeling I will be having a lot more time on my hands really soon.

I would be EXTREMELY surprised to find she is a WS. This is simply because there has been no time for either of us to be a WS. We are both very involved parents and have each individually devoted our entire lives to our kids. This I believe may even be part of the problem.

Our relationship has taken a back seat to the kids and killed any sort of intimacy we ever had. Once the intimacy is gone, small things like annoying behavior suddenly become major problems and issues that could at one time be called minor problems become major love busters. The problems have become intensly magnified.

You may be right about her wanting to inflict pain. It just seems like it would be even that much LESS painful for her to simply move in with her parents without the week in the hotel.

My plan so far is to see an MC tomorrow afternoon. I will print information about the appointment up for my wife and hope that she decides to try.

I am also scheduled to be assessed and put on a treatment plan by my HMO's psych department. I (as we all) have issues that I must deal with to make myself a better person than I am today. I find this incredibly ironic, as I feel I was a much better person years ago and it's if my maturity has slipped away from me during my married years.


Last night was our final night in the marital house as a family. My 2yo daughter crawled into our bed in the middle of the night like she usually does. But this morning, she was very clingy to me and was even concerned when I left the bed to shower this morning. She made me cry almost hysterically with this behavior. We held each other all morning.

I hate this.

Insyder,



3 months ago I also would have said an A for my WW would have not have been possible. I hope this is not the case with you!



Ditto in our situation. The fact is it doesn't take much for a spouse in this type of marriage to get their EN's met by someone else.

Qbert

Thanks for the input, Qbert. I'll keep the WW issue in the back of my mind.

I've been reflecting and talking with others about my impending separation, and I find I am labeling myself as "arrogant" in my self assessment. I've acted in all the ways an arrogant person acts toward my wife.

This includes not valuing her opinion, not trusting her decisions, questioning her at every turn, and believing my opinion/decision/solution is the better one.

I am seeking counseling to try and find a way to change this mindset and attitude, but does anyone have any input as to what and why I am this way? Does our age difference contribute to this (me 34, her 26)?

Am I beating myself up too much and trying to shoulder all of the blame?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sounds like you found this site before one of you went out and had an affair, and that, at least, is the good news.
I find myself in a similar situation to your wife's. My H does not have much value for my opinion, doesn't like my decisions, etc. We also have funneled all of our energy into our two wonderful children, at the severe detriment to our adult marriage.
One of the most interesting things we uncovered was our very different emotional needs. We both took the EN questionaire in His Needs/Her Needs, and we also took the questionaire by pretending to be the other spouse. Really interesting results. One thing we uncovered...EN's change over time. You might value Good Looks, or Joint Athletic Pursuits early in your marriage, but things like Family Connection and Mutual Respect rose to the top. Also, Sexual Fulfillment isn't at the top when you're dead-tired from young children, but guess what? When months, or in my case YEARS go by without any SF, you start to really miss it.
My advice: find out what her highest EN's are, and MEET THEM. Don't think you're helping the situation if you suppose her ENs are the same as yours, and start addressing those things. For example, if a clean house is important to you, don't automatically assume it's important to her. She might prefer that the house stay dirty, but that you sit down with her in the evening, and ask her how her day was. Also, if you think you've been arrogant, I can pretty well assure you that you've probably been even more arrogant than you think you've been, in her mind. Just remember you've got to break this cycle if your marriage is to mend. Good luck, keep reading and posting here. There are some very smart people on this blog, and they can really help a lot. Even though most folks find their way here AFTER an affair, the underlying issues leading to the affairs are the same as yours. You just caught it sooner.

Well, I am at work and she is still at home with the kids. She will be checking in to the hotel this afternoon.

She called and asked about scheduling an appointment with a paralegal to establish financial arrangements, child support, etc that goes along with a divorce. But the conversation turned to talking about the relationship..because I brought it there.

The only thing I can say is that at least she seems to be in a bit of the conflict state rather than the withdrawal state of mind. I guess she's kid of mixed, as she chosen withdrawal from the relationship, but is still more than happy to try and talk and almost spill over into arugment.


One question I have is....

She is still delaying on telling her parents of our impending separation and her moving in. She refuses to clue me in on when she plans to break the news. Would it be disrespectful of me to give them a call and break the news now? Should I let go and give her space to be angry and hurt?

It's hard to think of that solution as I am feeling very sad and hurt and feel that the only solution is action.

Please help.

imanotherone,

Do you really think it's possible she would entertain filling out the EN questionaire?

I have two copies of it sitting here on my desk and I almost fear giving them to her. She called asking about setting up arrangements for a paralegal to establish the terms of divorce already! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm going crazy here. It's like she's another person now, absent, cold... She spoke the infamous statement to me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and haven't been in love with you for some time."

Although some on here may feel I've caught this early, I'm not optimistic that I feel this.

insyder-
Typically, it's not too much trouble to get wives to look at the emotional needs questionaire. It's all about delivery. Don't say, "Well, honey, I've got this all figured out...you don't have to worry your pretty little head anymore. Just fill out this EN questionaire that "I" found on the internet." You'll just see the backside of a slammed door.
Try to use what you know about her to encourage her to check it out. Maybe, "Honey, I know I've been pretty aloof lately, and I've really neglected our relationship. I'd really like a chance to try to meet your needs. I understand that you really don't have much left to give me right now, and I respect that. I've found this very interesting survey, which is supposed to make it easier for us to understand what is important to each other. It won't take much time, and maybe if we both fill it out, it will give us something to use to try to build something."
I'm not above throwing the kids into the equation, either, if she doesn't respond. Say, "Look, we've basically sacrificed our entire adult relationship to raise these beautiful kids. The experts say divorce is one of the most traumatic things we can do to them. Even if we try for a few months, and still decide to call it quits, we can assure the children that we have done EVERYTHING possible to stay together, but it just didn't work out. At this point in time, however, we really can't say that, can we?"
The hotel thing does sound a little wierd to me, though. You said she has family that would gladly take her in for free? I know I said I didn't think there was an A yet, but is it possible that she's got someone on the internet? In my case, my folks don't really know about the problems my H and I are having, but if I were to move out, that would be the first place I'd go. Financially, a hotel is not a good idea...unless she has something to hide. Did she take a laptop with her? You said she's at home all day, so she does have "access" to alone time to start at least an EA. One more thing--who are her "confidantes?" Who does she call when she needs help, or when she has good news? Talk to those people, to see if you can get any more information. Maybe she has met someone, but can't bring herself to "cheat," so in her mind she's leaving you, and that will justify the new relationship? Maybe not, but worth investigating, given the "hotel" thing. Had she gone to Mom and Dad's, I wouldn't have been so concerned.

I will try, but based on our lunch time talk, I'll have to give that a few days. She is very angry and hurt by the fact that my behavior (arrogance) has put our family in the place. Her words, verbatim.

I'm refreshed to hear a woman say this. This is how I feel exactly. I know I am the big time love buster in this relationship, which is why the EN burden is heavily placed on me. It's hard to face up to the fact that she is "done" working on this.

What makes it more frustrating is knowing that we are forced to have at least an accquaintance with one another due to the children. Why wouldn't she want to try and work with me? At least it could bring positive energy to the "new" relationship we would have.

And I know, her pain stands in the way of this...I have to give it time. But rambling like this to you wonderful folks makes it easier for this day to tick by...


Impossible. I'm an IT guy and all traffic on our home's network is monitored and emailed to me throughout the day and night. She doesn't access the internet elsewhere to my knowledge. Besides, she's said multiple times that my behavior has left her emotionally drained to pursue other men. Her words again.

She told me today that she views the hotel as a "safe haven" for her and the kids. Going to her parents house would require immediately talking about this problem with them(and potentially befencial to the situation IMHO) which is something she does NOT want to do. She wants to hold tight to her anger/grudge... it's part of her personality to hold a grudge. She said she wants to protect me, as her parents have become better parents than my own. She doesn't want them to think badly of me.

But like I said, she is currently adamant about the divorce and is not looking to people like her parents (married 30years) talking her out of it.

She doesn't have any yet that I know of. She takes great pride in this fact and it angers her that I speak with my best friend about this for support and counsel. She would flip her lid if she knew I was posting here.