I believe there were a lot of things that let me to having an affair, for one i didnt FEEL the love my husband had for me anymore. He told me all the time, but he worked in a different town most of the time and was only home on the weekends, and i felt very lonely, when he was home, he spent most of his time on the computer, playing games and i didnt feel important anymore, mind you he told me he loved every day at least once, and we held hands everywhere we went, when he had to go somewhere, no matter if it was the store, the docs or DMV.. we always went together, we were very close in that regard, but i felt like work and that damn computer was more important then me... does that make sense? I guess i felt a lot of resentments over that, and i withdrew big time. I didnt go online literally looking for someone else, it "just" happened when i was talking to people, i was so starving to FEEL wanted and special and important, that i actually "developed" feelings for 3 guys. The first 2 retreated after a couple weeks, and there were no "i love yous" or anything like going on with them, but i felt a really close "bond" with them, because we had spent so many hours together online just talking having fun. The 3rd, well after a couple months he told me that he loved me, and thats when i realized... omg i feel the same. It had never even acorred (spelling ?) to me that i was falling in love with someone else. Once realized though, since i had felt so empty for some time before, i fell into it pretty hard... i NEEDED that feeling that i got when i was with him. I guess you could say i was addicted to it.

I saw how it affected my Husband once i told him that i "loved" the other guy, and i felt bad... but i didnt want to give up that other relationship, my husband made me break off all contact, and i was going through some horrible times, i missed that other guy and kept wondering... what if. I was also mad at the other guy, how could he be such a coward and "let" my Husband do this to us. But i was the one letting my Husband doing it to me, if i would have truly been committed to the other guy, i would have just left.. i know that today. But i was in a confused state of mind, all i knew was that i wanted that other guy and the feelings that came with it, basically at any cost. At least thats how i felt then. After 3 months of NC with the other guy, i blackmailed my husband, said i would leave him if he wouldnt let me stay "friends" with him. And because my Husband loved me, he said yes.. the whole time during the 3 months i had no contact, my Husband was very very supportive, he held me as i sat there crying over some other guy... during the week my husband was still working out of town and he was only home during the weekends, so during the weeks i was completely alone again... no Husband... no other man... my Husband had installed some spyware on my computer and he was monitoring what i was doing, so i wasnt able to contact the other guy. Well in truth, if i truly wanted it, i could have... but i didnt want to face the consequences of it, so i blamed my husband for not letting me have my "friend".

Now knowing what i know, i know that my Husband did the right thing back then, and if i hadnt blackmailed him, and most likely if my Husband would have gotten a job where he would have been home every day, i do believe we would have made it. But like this it was doomed from that point on. My Husband endured the EA including the 3 months of NC, for a year, then he left for kuwait. I was glad that he was gone at first, we have had some ugly scenes in the past, and i felt that now i could finally have some peace and be with the other guy whenever i wanted. Up to this point i never considered divorce, and my Husband had never mentioned it either, he always told me he would always love me and he would wait for me. So i had nothing at all to loose. I had the best of both worlds, as i needed it... without loosing anything, i was very very selfish to say the least, i pushed the pain that i caused so much aside... i didnt even see it. Then my Husband, once in kuwait started bombarding me with emails and messages, he had hoped that i would miss him and that i would want him to come home, but that didnt happen, at least not fast enough. So i shoved him further and further from me, hanging up on him on the phone, blocking him temporarily on my messengers, avoiding his emails, until i had like 2 or 3 from him. He felt very rejected, the more he was hurt and talked to me, the more i pushed him away, the more i pushed him away the more he felt rejected and hurt. It was a vicious cycle. It never entered my mind that i might be depressed or that i have a MLC, so i never thought about going to counseling or anything. I never went online to look for help, i felt that i didnt need any help.

I didnt realize it was me, that let my love for him "die" (well it never died, it just got pushed so far behind a wall i didnt feel it anymore) I always felt that he should have a right to be on the computer after the hard week at work, i wished with all my heart that he would spend more time with me, and it hurt that he chose the computer over me. During my EA, he started changing... he spent less time on the computer and he wasnt so angry all the time anymore, even though at times when his hurt got a hold of him pretty badly, he did have angry outbursts. Looking back at it, i saw those as... he will never change, i was right in choosing to have the other guy, which i never looked as as an affair... i wonder why that is like that?? I didnt feel bad for having it, i felt like i had a right to feel good again, as i havent felt good in a while. It was all about me and what made me feel good. In germany we have a saying... its goes something like this: "you walk over dead bodies". basically you do anything to get what you want. And i WANTED those good feelings, i felt like i deserved to feel those good feelings. Had someone told me, ok this is what it is... you CANNOT be married and do this. You have to choose, i would have been in a terrible spot. But i do believe i would have chosen my Husband, even though i didnt have any feelings of the loving kind during that time. I dont think i would have had it in my to divorce him. But noone ever made me look at the situation, at times i felt like i wanted a divorce, and then at other times, i was really unhappy in the "relationship" that i was in with the other guy.

I started having thoughts of suicide back then, thought i was never supposed to be happy in life. That my life was just meant to be this miserable state that i felt i was in. My emotions had gone overboard and had taking over everything in my life. I wasnt thinking with my head anymore, i was only led by feelings. I have always been a very emotional person, and i have always tended to close off when something hurt me. Sit there and take it.. thats how i was. And i know this is what contributed to how my marriage was the past years, when i did talk to my husband about how i felt, which was very very rare... i didnt say... honey i miss you.. i said, you are never there! and an argument would follow, which would leave me so emotionally raw, that i felt like i didnt want to live anymore afterwards. I dont know if the men that are in MLC, your husbands.. are feelings some of the things that i felt back then. The pull of the other person is just immense, the feeling you have when you are with them, is intense. It makes you feel alive, wanted, loved, special. When something goes wrong though, and an argument or whatever arises with the other person, you are very down again. This was not a healthy relationship, i went into it for all the wrong reasons, for all the wrong emotions, i was vulnerable, starving for attention and for the feeling to FEEL loved and wanted. I was truly addicted, and when the other person didnt have time for me, i felt rejected and horrible, i didnt feel good knowing that he loved me, as it should be in any healthy relationship, i felt like if he loved me he should be with me as much as he could. And i felt let down by him lots of times, just like i had felt let down by my husband... seeing a pattern here? lol But of course back then this was all not clear to me, i had not run from my Husband, i had run from myself... i ran from myself, and i found the same me, just with another man, feeling the same feelings inside of myself that i felt with my husband. And it still made no sense to me. I had no clue who i was... or why i was feeling the way i did. I figured my Husband and the other guy made me feel this way, but this wasnt the case, I made myself feel that way. I knew something wasnt right... thats all i knew in the end of my EA. And i broke contact, of course i felt lonely, so i figured i could go back to my Husband.

I knew that i had messed up big time, and i felt guilty, but i had NO CLUE what i actually did to him. I always saw him as this superhuman... the rock...nothing could phase him, and he would be ok. Wake up call!!! He is human just like me and everyone else on this planet, and YES it hurt him beyond description. The first time i saw some of the pain he had to endure... i mean REALLY saw it, with my heart and my mind open, was when i told him i loved him 2 months after ending contact with other man. I expected him to be happy, take me in his arms, and we would have lived happily ever after. This is what i REALLY expected, can you believe this???

Maybe it gives you an insight to the minds of your husbands... i dont know... i can only write how i felt and how things were for me. He couldnt tell me that he loves me back... his face was filled with disbelieve, hurt...
it was just so empty and sad. I thought he would be happy. I knew i had hurt him, but the extent became really visible to me then. So i thought, he dont want me anymore, and i started withdrawing again. He still held my hand when we went somewhere, kissed me etc. But i felt that he didnt love me like he did before, i felt like he didnt want me, but this time these feelings were real, before they were imagined, now i finally knew what those feelings really felt like, it was aweful. I was more lost than ever before. I just wanted to give up, i just wanted to die, because inside i felt dead already. Now i had noone, i had lost everyone, but i didnt think about resuming contact with the other guy, i didnt want him, i knew that then, i had wanted the feelings that i had when i was with him, but i didnt want him. I dont think i ever wanted him, it was always about the feelings that he gave me. (which explains the other two men that i thought i felt something for.. all those men were very different.. 1. guy in his late 30's overweight 2. guy in his 50's married with sick wife 3. guy that just turned 20 living with mom) I wasnt in love with any of these men, i was in love with the feeling that they gave me..OMG!!!!! i never said that before, this just hit me like a brick wall!!!!! I was NEVER in love with any of these men!!!!!!!!! I was in love with a feeling... i risked all for some feeling that i felt i needed to have????? Sorry... this just hit me, and its like a revelation to me... now i understand why i dont feel anything for that other guy anymore, nothing at all... because i was never in love with him!!!!!!!!!

Everytime something becomes clear to me, especially when its something so important... i get emotional... i dont know what else is there waiting to come out. And that is why i have always felt i still cared for my Husband, that was the real love that i had for him. I dont care for the other guy anymore, he was never important to me. This is so sad... I put my Husband through all this pain, my kids through all of this... over some feeling. This is just horrible. I mean if it would have been genuine, and had i truly loved that guy, than it might have even meant something in the end. But like this? It all seems so pointless... all this hurt for nothing. I fell in love with a feeling, that i could have had from my Husband, had i just talked to him about everything instead of going out finding that feeling. I used that other guy, probably just as much as he used me, i believe we were both out for some feel-good feelings. This is the reason i never stopped caring for my husband, why i couldnt get a divorce, why it was so hard to let him go. Now i know what it all means. My Husband was the truth, the rest was a lie i kept telling myself for far too long. I know now, even if that other man and me had gotten together, this facade would have not held forever, and i believe this is why most affairs never make it, especially if the person in the affair has been married for a long time. The marriage is the truth, but you dont see or feel it when you are in the affair, you just know you feel good, you feel loved, and you love in return... but its not the person, anyone could have came, talked to you, made you feel good and you would have fallen in love, no matter what the other person looks like, if they are married themselves or not. I was vulnerable and starving.... the other guy fed me, that was all there was to it.

Most people years after the affair tell their spouses, if the marriage survives... i never stopped loving you, i never really cared for the other person, and when they say this, they mean it. They must have had the same light come on as it just did for me. I know its hard to the betrayed spouse to believe that the husband or wife that had the affair still loved them and not the other person, i could never understand it before either. But now i can, it is so true. If i were to meet that other guy on the street right now, i wouldnt even acknowledge his existance. If i was truly in love with him, then i would still have some feelings for him, i would still care for him at least, hope that he is happy or whatever, but there is just nothing, i cant even look back and say, i had nice memories with him, because i dont... I enjoyed being with him when i was with him, but it was the feelings that i enjoyed... not that particular person. I believe that you truly love only once in your life. I am not saying your first love has to be the one, it might be your first or second marriage.

But when you truly love, you give your whole heart, there are no more feelings or caring for a prior relationship. You would move to any country in the world to be with that person, you would die for that person. You get divorced in a heartbeat, because you know in your heart and in your mind that this is the right one, if you are married. Now i couldnt give my whole heart to the other guy, i still cared for my husband, even though i kept hurting the one that i claimed to care about. It is a very strange situation, but i always felt like he deserved to be happy, that i would always care for him no matter what, and that he would always be in my life, and whomever i would be with, would have to accept that i have contact with my husband for the rest of my life. Now, why would you want to do that if you dont love that person? Why would you put your new "partner" in the situation of having your ex in your life, you must know that it bothers them, that it hurts them, if you truly love them, you would break off all contact to them for all times. And it wouldnt bother you either, because you both would need to do whats good for the both of you. You both would WANT to do that, because you love that other person with all of your heart, and you would feel very right doing it. Your heart would be 100% behind it.

To any betrayed wife reading this, i know it doesnt ease your pain over your suffering, this pain is very real. And i know this as well, as i live through it as well, but i feel like i have been blessed. I would have NEVER understood what i put my Husband through, had i not experienced it myself. My eyes would have never opened, i would have never thought much about it anymore. And i believe our recovery would have been shortlived, i think i would have fallen into the same pattern again. I had a chance to learn many many things about myself and about my marriage that i had never known. This is a lesson i had to learn, to appreciate marriage, to know what committment really means, what my vows really mean, and most of all to never ever stop appreciating your spouse.

~takes a deep breath~ sorry it got so long... but i just realized while writing this how it really was. And i finally know the difference between real love and why i truly believed that i was in love back then. Before i couldnt explain this piece of the puzzle myself. I did it, i think i finally understand it all. I finally know how it came to all of this, why i felt the way i did about my Husband and that other guy. And why i was able to disconnect from the other guy without feeling anything for him anymore. Because the feeling that i was in love with, wasnt there anymore. It was never the guy.. ok i stop now... or i will never stop.

Forgive me for rambling on and on, i hope it gives some insight... it sure gave it to me...

Good post. U feel better for writing it? It will help others who are wondering....why?!?!?!?

Thanks,
L.

its feels like a revelation, it felt very good writing it, and when it "happened" it was like the whole truth was finally laid naked in front of me. I have finally found the very last puzzle piece. And now it all makes sense, i couldnt understand how i could feel so intensly for the OM and then be completely indifferent about him months later. I didnt know if i could trust my own feelings anymore. I was so thrilled about it, i had to post it here as well. The revelation actually happened on a MLC board, but i felt like it i should post it here as well. I know its long, but it shows my thought process as i was writing, so i didnt edit it.

eoth

Do you think that men whose jobs require long hours or travel are selfish ?

hi bOb,

not really sure what you mean by that question, i dont think i stated anywhere that a man that works long hours or has to travel is selfish.

I dont think men that work a lot or have to travel because of work are selfish, not at all...quite the opposite actually, in my husbands case, he has always done his best to provide for the family, and i know that it wasnt easy for him either being away from us that much.

eotr, my post appears more challenging than I intended it I am sorry.

It sjust that my own dear Squid also stated that my job that was demanding in time and travel was a reason she felt lonely and led to her affair. She treats my work even now with a sort of barely tolerated contempt.

Its as though my work is something I am doing selfishly.

To begin with I took a demotion at work so i could spend more time with my family and meet her EN for conversation and domestic support. Squid loves that !

But she complains every time I work past five or check email at the weekend.

Now this is the way I have put grease on the table these many years, its ALSO something I am very good at and am invigorated by. Yet I am made to feel almost GUILTY that I have a senior, well paid, demanding job.

I wondered what your attitide was as you also cite your his job as an affecting factor. but i think this is more about MY marrige than any general point.

Thanks !

well.. when my husband had jobs where he was home every day, it didnt bother me when he had to work late hours at times or whatever. What really hit me hard were the times when he was a truck driver (gone for 4 weeks, home for 4 days.. gone for 4 weeks again) or how it was before i had my EA, he had worked in a job where he was gone all week and only home on the weekends. After bout a year of this, the kids and me finally moved to where his job was, we lived there for about 6-9 months or so, then the firm he worked for put him in the town where we had just moved from!!! And i was left behind again, with only seeing my Husband on the weekends. This was one major blow to me, i felt like i got slapped in the face by fate, we didnt have the kind of money that it would have taken to move back (was a different state).

So, a "normal" job, only with long hours, i dont think i would feel that way about it all.

You have already taken a demotion for her at work, unfortunately ppl have to work to live. I am not sure how to read your wife.. i personally dont see checking email on the weekend as something that would bother me. But maybe its your attitude towards your job.. maybe your enthusiasm you have for your job that she is "jealous" of.. maybe she wished you were as enthuastic about her as you are about the job... i dont know. Do you talk a lot about the job? Maybe she feels like the job is your life, and she wishes she was your life? I am not saying that this is the fact, i am saying she might perceive it that way.

eotr

Well my job is certainly not my life now. i hate this demoted job. I am a leader, an innovator, not a bag-carrier.

I get no chance for that now.

STill, thats not your problem ! Thanks for yor reponse !

You're welcome bOb,

it wasnt a problem with my husband either, but my perception of it was like that. It was in my head, nowhere else.

eotr,

Thankyou for your post. It gives me hope that my WH will 'wake up' and de-fog soon.

Although our sitchs are v different I can see a definate pattern.

I was very involved in my career, he knew that when we got together 15 years ago, but I didnt see just how much it was affecting him in the recent years. What with the stress of 3 children, mortgage, etc.

He has said to me similar things that you posted about your OM, and it hurts beyond belief.

But again, he wrote to me about how we would always be friends and we would always have time for each other. Just as you posted that you could never see a time without your BS even when u had left him.

I have literally JUST gone to plan b - yesterday. It is killing me already but it is something I must do, for my own sanity.

Thankyou for your post I will bookmark it to refer back to when I am low.

zuj

hi zuj,

I know it is very very hard, as i have been on the other side of all of this for a year now. I do believe there are only two ways out of an affair, having been in one myself.
One, to either wait it out, or two just letting go, basically a plan B. Either way its up to the WS to find their way back or not, more times than not are they not ready to loose the wife or the marriage. I know i would have not wanted a divorce, had he been faced with it.

the strange thing is, the BS feels so powerless, so out of control, when in truth, most the time they do have the power over it all. They are afraid to use that power though, because they are afraid of loosing their husband or wife. My Husband held the cards in his hands, but i was able to talk him into believing that i held them. So i was able to control what was going on, and i got to keep the OM.

I am thinking of you, i know Plan B is very hard, especially at first, but i do believe that is the only way the WS can start to see what he/she really wants.

BS's are always afraid to loose the WS, but truth of the matter is, they have already lost the WS. They can only win in this, they cant loose the relationship anymore. And that has taken me a long time to realize.

Wishing you all the best, and all the strength for your Plan B.