My WH (who btw is trying to be very open and transparent)
has told me about a big anniversaty at his work (school) that he would like me to attend. Spouses are invited.
OW will be there. He is avoiding OW until she leaves (end of July) Even turning around and walking the long way round if he sees her at the end of a corridor, and then emailing me to tell me. (Hurrah)
He really wants me to go to support him, and to show her that we are together and she has not split us up.
Is this him teasing her? Is he getting a sick thrill out of parading me in front of her? Any ideas please.
Also I am more than a litle curious to see this faceless delight.
Pep? Just learning? Loving anyway? Star*fish? Anyone? gimme some ideas.
Kate from Cloudy London.

Kate,

Have you asked him why he wants you to go, or why it's important that the OW see you together? There are plenty of possibilities for "why". He may be wanting to make a show of solidarity. He may want to take his rightful place at your side as further discouragement against any illusions she may have about reconnecting. He may be trying to hurt her or rub this in her face. He might want to show her that her presence will keep him from going. He could even be using this as an excuse to see her.....though somehow....I don't think so. He's the only one who can know his motivation....but don't be surprised if he doesn't consciously understand why he wants this.

What do you want to do? You probably have mixed feelings....can you talk about them?

((((((((((((((((kate)))))))))))))))))

I think your H just really wants to see OW. He is very fresh FW. Best thing for your marriage is to have nothing to do with an utterly dark OP for ever.

Noo good comes from a BS meeting an OP IME.

Kate,

in my situation, it's a fact that my xWS and OW got a thrill when they saw each other and I was with my xWS.

We even met OW and OWH and went out for dinner and this really had a great "phycological" affact on my XWS and OW. (I was NOT aware at that time that they were having an affair)

When the affair was out in the open and my xWS broke off all contact with OW and said he wanted to work on our marriage, there were still strange situations.

I'll try to explain and I hope it will make sence.

We had always attended special events with our horses. OW was aware of this.
When the affair ended, OW attended these "Special Events" together with OWH. She was expecting to see my husband and me. We had always attended these events and never before had we seen OW or OWH at these kinda events.

OW and OWH would come to the stable where "our" horses were and met with the other people at our stable, only to find out that we were NOT there.

This went on for 2 years...............

My husband reacted a little strange when it came to attending. He told me that he didn't have a problem and that he didn't believe that xOW was there because she wanted to see him. He sorta put me into the situation that I was "exagerating" and that my "imagination" was "off track".

I just had a very "uncomfortable" feeling about this and my gut told me that me going along with my xWS would not change the situation in any way.

Just the fact that OW and my XWS would see each other had a "Psycological affect"....................as for what I think and believe.

It would take a simple "glimpse" that would of set us back in our process of recovery.

This is why I made the decision NOT to attend these "Special Events" at all anymore and after 2 years............No OW and NO OWH were around anymore. They are getting divorced.

XOW tried to intiate contact in other ways after this didn't work out the way OW had planned for.............

XOW drove by the place where my xWS works and waited until he came out, just to talk with him. This happened 2-3 times until I found out about that because my xWS choose not to tell me about this.

These incidents happened approx. 2 years ago and after alot of discussions, my xWS told me that just seeing her, did indeed have an affect on him. He can't explain what it was but there was a portion of "curiousity".

I personally believe that it doesn't make a big difference whether your WS sees OW with you by his side or not. Something "deep inside" of him will react somewhow. It will have an affect whether he wants it or not and this is where I begin to think............can the WS honestly express "those" feelings that come up???

This is why I choose to avoid these situations until xOW was gone!!!!! I'm positive that she'd still be around if we would of attended because she would of gotten what she needed at that time and I'm more than sure that my husband and I wouldn't of been able to concentrate on "ourselves" the way we did.

Our "set-backs" occured only when xOW was in the picture. It upset both of us..............

bb

Bob,
H sees OW every day.
He has every and any oppurtunity to continue or re-ignite the A. After Dday 1 in May of last year he agreed readily to NC, but through working together that was diluted into smiling in corridors, waving, sitting together as part of a group.
Then finally in March of this year she approached him with some manufactured professional etiquette question about leaving and starting a new job.
He was "shocked" by her leaving and relieved, but the conversation and realisation that she was going sparked him to write the letter,
"If Kate had left me last year, would you have given things a go with me?"
She responded verbally, "yes probably".
He stewed, realised he didn't want her, just confirmation that she wanted him (sounds like fog?)
And then her BF 'phoned me to tell my WH to back off and to rub my nose in my WH's behaviour. Also adding some lies about what WH had apparently said about me to OW.
So no, Bob, after all this, he doesn't need an "excuse" to see her, it's there all day every day and he really is trying to avoid her.

Star*fish,
He really hates that she lied to her boyfriend about the contents of his letter. He can see now how she completely manipulated him, by approaching him to ask this spurious question. (He had sent a NC letter 10 months previously)He takes full responsibility for the stupidness of the letter writing. Our MC tried to say last night that it was about "closure" as he still had unresolved feelings for OW at that time. Oh Purleeease! Get over the fantasy already.
Anyways, he says that he really wants to show his friends at school, me, her, that he is committed to me.
I have always had this thing that she must see me/think of me as the grey woman at home. "The wife". In truth (and not wanting to make myself sound like Pamela Anderson) that is very far from the mark. My WH loves the fact that I am attractive and get attention from men (no I don't wear low cut tops or short skirts) and he says partly he wants to show her that she is nothing compared to me, and she is the diversion and I am the main event.
I now feel totally embarassed and self concious writing that stuff about myself. Yuck.
The thing that niggles me is that it smacks a little of "he doth protest too much".
After the A he had 2 very discreet tattoos done, one with my initials and those of our kids, and one saying "Kate forever" (groin arra)
Is he trying to convince HIMSELF that we should be together?
Thanks Star*fish,
kate xxx P.S what does (((((((((((((kate))))))))))))) mean?

Blondblossom,
Thank you very much for replying.
Yes my H also admits to these "curious" feelings having magnified throughout the year, building to converstaion between them and then the letter writing point.

I can understand it, I have had crushes I know that whole thing of poking yourself to see if it still hurts. Testing yourself.
But he says since the 'phone call disclosure he feels nothing except extreme guilt when he sees her. Fog or truth?
Hope you and xWH are getting back on track.
I can't bear this stuff.
Kate xxx

star*fish,
I do want to go, to be with WH, NOT to check on him but because it is a big night for him and his school.
AND yup a big portion of me is desperate to see the competition and show her that I am icy cold and discreet.
There is no way I'll be having a slanging match with her.
I just want to stare and make her squirm.
I teach inner city kids, I do a very good line in stares.
Oh, I am so vindictive I know.
Kate xxx

Personally I think you and your H should avoid the OW at all costs and not attend this function at all. Even if spouses are not invited, your H should not attend such functions where OW will be present. This is part of the consequences of his A. IMO your H shouldn’t have offered to put you in this position in the first place (by suggesting to attend the function). Your H don’t need to “prove” ANYTHING to the OW. Your lives are non of her bussiness. She is out of your lives and should stay out of it.

Edited to add:
If your H really needs to attend this function (if it's compulsory to attend and there is no way he can get out of it) then yes, I think you should attend it with him.

Yup Suzet*,
Like your style. Unfortunately he "has" to go. He is deputy principal and is giving a speech to parents, staff and children. Short of calling in sick he will be there.

Kate

Actually I was editing my post while you were responding to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Please check out my edited post. I understand your H need to go to this function.

Thanks Suzet*.
I think I will.
All likelihood is that I'll break out in spots and put on 10 stone before the big day. But hey! At least I'll get a laugh.
I've also been planning a comment to say to WH after the event as he's bound to be itching to know what I think of OW in the flesh.
I was thinking something along the lines of,
"Hmmm, she's nice from far, but far from nice".
Kate xxx

((((((((((((((kate))))))))))))) is me hugging you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I thought you needed one.

Okay.....so the situation is he must go. So you have decide whether you should go or not. I can't decide that for you....but for myself....I would go. Let me restress that's ME....and my reasons are personal not necessarily MB based. I just would NOT allow an OW to chase me from my rightful place....and yes....I'd have a hard time containing my desire to show her who I am and why my husband is still with me. I would want to show my fearlessness. Those are not necessarily good reasons....which is why I'm revealing them. They are about ego....but since infidelity is such an ego destroyer....I'd probably indulge myself....good or bad.

The problem of course is what is unpredictable. Nothing may go as planned. You may see/hear things you don't want to. It could have the opposite effect of deflating your self esteem even further if gossip or sparks fly. So please be careful that you are prepared for the unexpected and that your plan of intimidating her might not go as planned. This is a violatile situation with all kinds of undercurrent.

For balance, let me present the other side of this. Examine your husband's motivation for having you there. What does he gain? Is NOT having that....ego, prestige, revenge, power (whatever he gains from this).....the natural consequence of having an A at his workplace?

Do you gain more by going....or my by staying home???? What's in it for you? That's how negotiation should work when you use your taker. I'm not that interested in what would make your husband feel better at this point. And if you're not free to say "no"....that's a problem.

Thanks (((((((((((Star*fish))))))))))
Hugs to you too. I do need 'em, luckily my 2 boys (2 and 7) are very cuddly.
Yes, it is about rebuilding my ego. But you're right it could go horribly wrong.
No, I don't HAVE to go, my WH is not that type.
Yes, I think he will enjoy "showing me off" and kicking the OW in the teeth.
I hope that will be all he gets form it. Not some sicko "look at me 2 ladies on the go, now let me just eat some cake".
What was your angle on the tattoos?
Kate xxx

Kate,

The tatoos, the desire to parade you around....might very well be efforts to convince himself...or remind himself of what's important. I actually don't have a problem with that. I think the tatoos may be part of his "accountability" program....things that make it impossibly difficult to fall off the wagon. I'm very okay with that too because he seems to have created his own extra-ordinary precautions...very creative actually. I mean....yikes....it's going to be pretty embarrassing if he ever cheats again...with your name printed on his "dilly". hehehehehehe

I have often started giggling in inappropriate places, thinking just that thought.
Just imagine....
In the heat of the moment, "Excuse me honey? Who's Kate?"
Kind of kills the moment.
Love the idea of "accountability", and tryingno tfall off the wagon. I do know that he ise really trying and despeartely trying also to convince ,me that he is committed to me and me only. He loves the tattoos and is very proud of them. The groin one is private between him and me, and the other (on the inside of his wrist) is discreet but when people notice it he loves telling them what it means (It is done in Ancient Greek lettering -he's Greek)
Thanks star*fish.
Kate xxx

So he's gotta be there but does she? She works in the area....can't she be given something more fitting like latrine duty? LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There are ways u know. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid LOL
Oh how I wish it could be. Little Miss OW mopping up behind me in the loo.
But no, unfortunately she is the music teacher and so will be leading the evening's entertainments wirth the boys' choir.
I will be burning holes in her back with my eyes.
And WH will be sweating in the seat next to me.