I've been posting over in Plan A and B. That's where my story starts.

I just found out for sure Saturday night that my husband is having an affair. His work takes him out of town for 2 to 3 months at a time. This time he's in CA. He was also there from Sept till Dec. of last year. That's when everything started falling apart.

When he came home in Dec. I could tell that he was very different. He had the same attitude that he's had every other time he was cheating (this makes the 4th that I know of in 17yrs). He said he wanted a divorce, I told him that if that was what he wanted I would go stay out at my parents place until he left going out of town again. I let him know that I wouldn't be abandoning our boys (15 and 7)but that I didn't want to up root them from their home. He then said he would like to work things out. So we talked and things were ok, but not the same. He left going back to CA the 1st of Mar. When he got out there he opened up his own bank acct, something he never has done before. I wasn't supposed to find out about it except the bank made a mistake and sent the papers here to our home. When I questioned him about it he at first denied it then said with things the way they were between us that he had to protect himself from me taking all the money out of the acct here at home. I told him I'd never done anything like that in the past and had never given him reason to think that I would so why now. He said it happens everyday.

Anyway, we had a few arguements and again he said he wanted a divorce and I told him this wasn't anything to discuss with him 2400 miles away. Then again he said he thought it could work if I would stop accusing him. I told him if he didn't want to be accused of anything don't give me reasons to accuse you. So we preceeded to work on it. He ask me if I wanted to meet him in Vegas when this job ended so we could spend a few days alone and then I could help him finish driving home. I thought this was great, hope at last. Then things started not adding up. Things like he didn't want to talk to me after 7pm CA time (2 hours earlier than here at home) and that his battery was dying on his phone alot and he was having to leave it in the truck on the charger but when I would call the room, no answer. So, I hired a P.I., and that's when Sat. night happened. The p.i. called and said I have bad news, she's in the room with him. I called and confronted him and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about until I was able to discribe exactly what she looked like and what they both were wearing. Then he goes to telling me that he's been trying to tell me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. I told him that you were also telling me that you wanted to try and work things out so why lead me to believe there was a chance when there was none? No comment.

The worse part of this is that I didn't know that my oldest son was getting up out of bed at night and coming and sitting at my bedroom door listening to my conversations. So, when everything happened Sat. night he was devastated. I didn't know that my h had told my son before leaving this last time that he'd never cheat on me again. So my son feels he's been betrayed. He says he hates his dad and that he never wants to see or talk to him again. I don't want him to feel this. I wish I could take all his pain and carry it myself, but I know that I can't. It's killing me to see him like this. He's an awesome child, I couldn't have picked one any better. He's 15, an honor student with advanced classes, has won the presidents award on top of science merit awards and is a very handsome young man. I just don't want him to throw it all away because of this. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I have managed to keep it from the 7 yr old.

I know some of you probably think I asked for this when I didn't divorce him the first time, but I was raised that divorce is wrong and you try and stick it out if there is a chance of working things out. This time there is no chance, he's told so many lies and done so many things this time, I'd never be able to trust him again. The only reason I have to forgive is God tells us to in order to be forgiven. That's something I got to work on though, I'm definetly not there yet.

Again, any advise would be taken to heart, but please don't criticize to harshly I don't think I could take it right now.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you had to find out by hiring a PI.

I suggest you get some counseling for yourself and boys. That will help you deal with this.

It sounds like your husband is a serial cheater, which usually means he will continue unless he gets counseling to deal with his issues.

I would also consult an attorney to protect the assets of your family.

I knew in the back of my mind it was going on but you just need that physical proof I guess. I am going to look into counseling for the boys and I've got an appt. with an attorney this afternoon at 3. I'm scared to death and don't know why. I'm taking a walk I've never taken before and I know that I'm only getting by on my faith in God, knowing that he's going to see me through this and take care of my boys.

Thank you so much for your advise and not criticizing me.

Stick with us, and we will help get you through this. Affairs never last. But his job is not good for your marriage. That much separation is a big strain, and gives him too much opportunity to be a cake-eater.

Let your attorney know that you wish to remain married, but need to be protected financially. These waywards have a tendency to blow all of the family money on the other person.

The only thing is I don't think I want to be married to him anymore. This is the 4th affair in 17 yrs and he's not one to wear protection so he's not only putting hisself at risk, he's putting me and the kids at risk also. Plus, he said he's not in love with me anymore and he definately wants a divorce. I think he thinks he's in love with her. He's 35 and started getting gray hairs a few months back (he is very vain) and it really bothered him. From what I understand from the pi she is pretty young.

He hasn't even called to check on the kids since everything happened Sat. The attorney says that things aren't going to be the way hubbie thinks. I don't want it to get ugle but I do want my boys taken care of and I have alot of health problems so it's going to be pretty tough.

You're right about the money. He's been going through a $1000 a week. To me that's alot.

Tmln,

This is a very difficult time for you. I was also raised to think that D is wrong, but there are exceptions to every rule and being M'd in this situation may be one of them.

If I could do it all over again, here's what I would do (anyone else, please help me add to the list):

(1) read the concepts on this website asap, if you haven't already, and schedule a phone counseling appt to get a good advice and a plan from the Harleys -- be sure to read about exposure -- the rest of this is subject to what the Harleys advise
(2) make your plan and stick to it, just check things off the list every day, even when you feel like crawling under a rock -- make sure the plan includes protecting your assets
(3) make an appt w/ a great lawyer (you've done this, so that's great) and be sure to mention how your H is spending $ and ask him about protecting your assets right away -- you may need to start gathering documents for this -- keep copies in a safe place outside the home or with your lawyer, or both
(4) make an IC appointment for you (I think you already made one for your boys)
(5) gather your support group - both local and long distance - and ask them for help getting through this
(6) expose, expose, expose! -- also, see if the PI can find out who the OW is and expose on her side as well, maybe phone records will show this
(7) if you end up having to proceed w/ the D, sign up for divorce care daily emails and join one of their support groups
(8) I don't know what Dr. Harley would tell you, but I would tempted to go to Plan B right away -- a sharp, fast, Plan B with legal and financial protections in place that keep you in the home and provided for -- and then I would stay extra dark
(9) document everything your H does & does not do, especially when it comes to the children -- this may be crucial information
(10) pray, then pray some more -- for strength, peace, healing, hope
(11) find at least one day when you can spend a couple of hours doing something for yourself - an art class, a bible study, whatever
(12) ask your friends and family to visit you, or if you have single female friends, to even stay at your house for a night -- keep yourself surrounded with support as much as possible
(13) even if you don't feel like it, force yourself to take care of your health & appearance as best you can
(14) consider starting a new habit/tradition, such as going for a short walk after dinner with your boys & just enjoying the day, or talking, or whatever -- something to give you consistency and comfort

Glad you are seeing an attorney. I made the mistake of trying to be the patient wife, and my WH blew over $100,000. in less than 6 months, and has NOTHING to show for it.

Things went well with the attorney, actually better than I thought they would. H had me convinced he could just give me what he wanted me to have and that was it. Well, that's not the way it happens at all.

Every other time I have set up and waited on doing anything hoping that we would work things out, but this time, there's more involved. He not only has hurt me again, but he's hurt my son terribly. I don't want to take the chance of putting either of them through this again. The look on my son's face Sat. night when we found out is a look I never want to see again.

Thanks so much for all your help, I'll keep you posted as to what happens next.

neverthesame gave you great advice. Glad things went well with the attorney. Now you can read about Plan A, and try that for awhile.

I hate to see a family broken up if it doesn't have to happen. Let's see what your husband does next.

That's what I want to see too!!!

I spoke with h yesterday. He's cutting the money in half as to what he's been sending and still expects me to pay all the bills, even his. I don't see how this is fair.

I guess the pi didn't get a good look at her cause h says she's older than I am and I'm 3 1/2 yrs older than h is. I thought that might have to do with all this because I hit the big 40 next April.

I did ask if there was any chance of us ever working things out and he said that he don't see it in the near future. How crazy was I to ask?

It's been a really rough weekend and I feel so drained. I really don't understand how anybody could do their family this way.

I don't know what else to do. Anybody with any answers? Please help!

I feel so lost right now! It seems nothing is going my way and all his. I'm at a stand still and don't know what else to do. I really don't know how much more I can take of this. How come he's the one that has chosen to break this marriage up and I'm the one paying for it? I don't think things could get any worse than they are right now.

Tmln, what are you doing about this? Your husband cut his support for you in half? You can't afford any higher priority than the children right now, ma'am. You must protect them and yourself. Get proactive! Don't just sit and take it, for Pete's sake. Get back to your attorney TODAY and file for a legal separation (if such a thing exists in your state) or a divorce. Your attorney will be able to get a temporary order for spousal and child support put in place. Once that is settled, you can reengage on saving the marriage if you want to.

Ok, you're all probably going to think I've lost my mind and I probably have, but I called my h this morning and explained to him that I know I was wrong to accuse him as I have done, but that doesn't make the affair right. I'm going to counceling and I would like to see if there is anything that can be savaged here. He said that when he gets home that we need to sit down and talk, because we have some major issues to discuss and we would see how things go from there. I told him I want him to go through counceling also, that he's got issues that need to be worked out. I also asked him to stop seeing the ow until we see if we can work this out. He said he would see.

Have I completely lost it in having a little faith that we maybe able to work this out? Do I try this or do I let it go? I really need help here, I've prayed and ask God to show me what to do, now I'm just waiting for the answer.

BTW Longhorn, thanks for your advise, I don't know what happened but he put the full amount in the checking account this morning. I don't know if that's a good sign or how to look at it, but I did go talk to the attorney this morning and he said to let's see what he does next. What do you think now?

I really need all the advise I can get on this guys, please help!

Saturday he said that there was no chance of us working it out in the near future and now he says we need to sitdown and talk...what's going on here?

He called and said he didn't mean to give me any false hope that he just wanted to sit down and talk to me when he gets home so he can be a man and tell me face to face how sorry he is for everything he's done and that if he could change anything he would go back and take it all away.

Guess who's the fool? That would be me, yet again.

Well, sit down and hear him out. Don't have any angry outbursts, and no disrespectful judgements. Just stay calm and listen. Then tell him you need to think about things.

He said he's just not ready to work it out yet, but he don't know how he'll feel in 6 months or so. I told him that in 6 months we'd be divorced and it'd be to late.

I don't know, I guess I just need to wait till he gets home in 2 wks and see what he's got to say, but I think this one is definetly over.

I was reading about someone else's situation today and he really brought up a good point. There aren't enough responses. I've gotten 320 people that have viewed this but only 17 responses.

The responses are what we need so much of, be it good or bad. We are all going through hard times and need the help of others. So, please give your responses!

Hi Tmln,
Sorry, I'm one of the ones who read your situation and did not post a reply. Your last post compelled me to log on and give you some feedback.

Let's see...WH is having an active affair across the country, and it sounds like he also controls all of the purse-strings. If I'm hearing you correctly, you have to wait for him to deposit living expense money into your checking account? Sounds like he has another account somewhere that he keeps his salary, and basically is treating you and the kids like he's paying child-support. You might consider securing your assets through legal separation documentation and make that part official. As Believer says, all the money can disspear in a flash.

Your H is deeply in the fog, and given that you don't see him for long periods of time, I don't envision Plan A working very well. Can you tell me what EN's you are meeting for him? Other than being the mother of his children, I'm guessing the OW is meeting all the EN's.

He's very unlikely to give up his job, even if you pressure him. Yet I think his long absences are probably the root of the problem. Most marriages need regular physical contact to survive. (Another reason military marriages struggle so often.)

Here's a suggestion....Go back and read your posts, and pretend that you're just an unbiased outsider reading them for the first time. Ask yourself what advice YOU'D give that poor woman? Maybe some of the MB veterans have more hope than I do, but it sounds like your husband is active in the affair, and is too cowardly to face up to his responsibilities. Seems like 99% of the time, the ones who suffer for that are the BS and the Betrayed Children.

So, that's my response. Hope you can see why I kept it to myself the first time I viewed your thread. And, let me say, I hope I'm wrong.