Is there any hope of recovery if the issues that caused my WW A can never be resolved?

Long story short.

My FWW and I moved to the west coast 11 years ago. About six years ago she decided she wanted to move back to the east coast.

At that time we could not afford to move back to the east coast. I told her we needed money in the bank to move back because we had responsibilities to our children.

She has always idealized where she grew up.

Since the day she asked to move back and I didn't our marriage changed.

I realized yesterday on another thread that the only thing I did not give her in regards to her needs was moving back east.

Now that issue is still present in our marriage. I can never fill that need. She had her A while visiting her family and friends on an extended vacation back east. Of course now I am dead set on moving back.

The other day when we were discussing her A. She said she did not think it was fair that I made the decesion on my own that we would not move back. That was the farthest thing from the truth. I asked for 2 job transfers back east but didn't get them. She spent over 20k on her self since she decided to move back and I said we needed 10k to move back. So as you can see we would have had enough money to move back if she did not spend the money.

I am never moving back east especially now because that is where the OM lives. She wanted to move back before the A so it is not to be with him so please no advice on that issue. I know this is the main reason she had the A. She has basically admitted she resented me because I wouldn't.

So the question is Why bother if I can never fill that need. No matter what I do I will never have a postive in the LB. This is a huge love buster for her.

We have gone to a MC about this issue and he told her moving back is not as great as it sounds.

She refuses to give up on moving back. I think this is the death of our marriage.

Years - I'm starting to think your a glass is half empty kind of person.

FWIW, I'd advise that you first decide do you want to save your M. If so, then take a break from looking for the obstacles.

Get a clear picture in your mind of what you want your M to be. Take stock of where your M is now. What are the actions that you have to take to move from where you are to where you want to be. What is the first thing you you should do?

From your other posts, it doesn't sound like its resolving where you will live and work.

Now, I can hear the arguement, but why do all the other things if I know where we live is the be all end all. It will all be a waste of time. My counterpoint is 1)What's the big hurry? I understand if your impatient and what to get back to some normalcy, but some things can't be rushed. You won't be wasting your time. At a minimum you will gain something from the process, the journey. 2) If all of your other M issues were magically resolved, don't you think both you and your FWW's positions on where to live would be very different than they are now. Don't you think you could POJA a solution. For all you really know, if you and FWW were living a blissful romantic M, her desire to move may completely go away.

If she brings up moving, say, you know maybe thats something we can look into in the future. I'm more than willing to talk about it, but I think there are other more pressing matters that need to be resolved first. (LIke her desire to have you just get over the A).

As an example, not that I'm advising this, but could you not say, I'd be happy to move, but I need to heal from this A first. Dear, what is the minimum you are willing to do to help with that. I ask, because, I've learned now that I can move on and get over it all by myself, if that's what you want. But it would probably go a lot faster, and be a lot more productive, if I had your help. I really think once I move past that, we will be able to seriously consider a move back east, and I'd be happy to talk to you about how we can put together a plan to do that.

What I'm saying there is not to be dishonest. I'm saying, do you really have to decide that now? If not, tell your FWW you think you would be willing to consider that later, but you need to fix some other things first before you know for sure.

Yes you are right about my glass being half empty right now regarding my M.

I was and am in every other aspect of my life a glass half full.

After coming here I decided what I want my marriage to be. I want it to be great.

We got rid of the kids this weekend and had a great weekend. I treated her like a queen with NO EXPECTATIONS. I think she was suprised to say the least. She even threw out some negative comments and I let them roll off my back.

My other posts made me come to this conclusion. Over the last two and a half years I could not understand what was going on. Someone pointed out me that maybe I wasn't filling her needs. Thats when I went through all of the needs her and I have discussed and I do meet them, always have.(not to sound perfect because I know I am not)

I do have a need to move rather quickly at this point. My FWW has not been very cooperative when it comes to radical honesty regarding the A. At ten years of marriage in my state we become a long term marriage. What this means is that I could be stuck paying alimony for the rest of my life. I have asked for a post nup stating that whatever she would get now she would get in a year or two years if this just doesn't work out. She has refused. I even said to her that it doesn't make sense to me that she wouldn't because she isn't losing anything. This could cost me between $55,000 and $100,000. She said if she is staying she is getting whatever is coming to her based on how long we are married. She has even stated that if things don't work out she is not getting married again because as soon as the kids are old enough she will move back east.

As far as moving back east I cannot. I have arthritis, bad knees, and a bad back and all of these conditions get worse in cold weather.

What I am saying now is that I have realized pre A and post A there has been resentment about not moving back. It is DEFINATELY a love buster for her. I have no doubt about that. I have always felt and she has confirmed that she feels as she gives enough because she lives here and not there.

What I am trying to say is that I have come to the realization that maybe my wife has not done most of what I have asked, including being radically honest, because I am not building up in her love bank. I told my MC one time that if you put a video camera in our home and watched our dynamic most people would have thought I had the affair.

I am not going to lie to her or mislead her. I am in no way, shape, or form ever moving back east. I would not be the same physically.

I just can't figure out a way to fill up a love bank that has a hole in it. Or if I make a deposit it doesn't build up it offsets the not moving back east.