Ending contact with a lover after an affair is absolutely essential to recovery. Recovery will not take place until that happens.

The reason I am starting this thread is that we seem to have many people here who think it is ok to go along with foolishness like "professional" contact or other somesuch nonsense. It is NOT. Calling an affair some new cute name does not change its nature. If I call a baloney sandwich a dog, it is not going to magically become a DOG. I PROMISE YOU IT WILL ALWAYS BE A BALONEY SANDWICH.

If you don't believe that ending all contact is absolutely essential, I would invite you read some of the threads on this forum of on-again, off-again affairs because the BS did not heed this warning. And it usually due to a desire to take the easier, softer way.

As patriot once said, "conflict avoidance always causes MORE conflict." That is the truth in this matter.

One cannot FORCE a WS to quit a job, but one CAN enforce his own boundaries and insist that no contact take place. Without it, recovery is impossible anyway.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Thank You Mel!

Thanks Mel, and I totally agree.

A personal story...
We are nearing 3 years d-day and no contact from a 2 1/2 mo PA with a rep in my H's industry, but not working at the same company. Another tidbit...he was not in love with her (not sure about her) but love or not, NC is still essential and my H knows and respects this and that makes me love and respect him...

Anyway, back to my little blurb...
The other day he comes home and says, "guess who showed up at the office today to hand deliver her resume?"

WHAAAAAAT?????

He was not in the office, but his two bosses were, who are aware of what happened and graciously supported him through this as they saw the massive effort we put forth to recover our marriage. (OW and H divorced) Aparantly she had lost her job and was "canvassing" all the companies in the industry with her resume. Whatever...hand delivering to my H office???

Okay, my point to this story is this...my H said, without any prompting from me: "They would never hire her in a million years, but I want you to know that if for some strange reason they did, I would quit the very same day."

And I know he means it and I love that about him and that he said that to me, even 3 years later! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NO CONTACT ever!!!!

Blessings,
Glad

Mel-

Question...but first I want to point out that I AGREE with you (and SH) on this COMPLETELY...NC is the ONLY hope for saving your marriage.

You said:

How does the BS actually implement and do this WITHOUT insisting that they quit the job? If you know contact will occur at work...then how do you enforce this boundary (or insist that they enforce it) without requiring that they leave the work place?

I totally agree that this needs to happen...but I'm asking for how should a BS practically apply this? What, exactly, should they say/do to make this happen?

Thanks!

Owl, I know of no way to enforce this boundary WITHOUT insisting the WS leave the job. One can't end contact unless they end contact. That would be impossible.

Ml, thanks for citing the article. And thanks for pointing to the seriousness of ending contact. Isn't it possible to do so without terms like the "foolishness of"? Is that an LB? Sounds like a mother talking to a blog of her children. The material alone points to the facts allowing the reader to understand it without an LB. Seems Dr Harley trust that the reader can comprehend it without such.

***How does the BS actually implement and do this WITHOUT insisting that they quit the job? If you know contact will occur at work...then how do you enforce this boundary (or insist that they enforce it) without requiring that they leave the work place?***

Hi, Owl.

You do have to set the boundary that you, the BS, will not remain in a marriage as long as the WS is willing to hurt you by remaining in the workplace with OP.

If they refuse to protect you, and place working with OP over the marriage, then the BS has no choice but to go to Plan B in order to remove themselves (at least temporarily) from the marriage.

That's how you enforce a boundary. It's not an ultimatum - WS can stay in the job if they want, because you can't stop them - but it is a boundary.

If WS will not remove themselves from the OP, the BS will remove themselves from the marriage by way of Plan B.

And unfortunately, that's usually what it takes.
Mulan

LLG, I am not giving a script but am outlining a general principle. The dialogue will be up to the BS to figure out on her own.

Ml,
The LB I meant to mention above is the DJ.

Thanks, Mel.

As you know, I'm one of those that was in the category of "people who think it is ok to go along with foolishness like "professional" contact or other somesuch nonsense."

Didn't take long for it to quickly turn back into non-professional contact.

It's not a fun lesson to learn.

Amen. Which is why I quit my job and am working for less money at the job I have now.

It was not worth the pain and strain on the marriage.

Oh, it never occurred to me you were accusing ME of lovebusting YOU. huh? I am not trying to fill your lovebank, LLG. I am sure it is possible to do it without terms like "foolishness" but since I think it is foolishness, I will say it that way. I like to say it how it is.

Is this a TEXAS whoopazz thread or WHAT !!!!!!!!

YEEEEEEEEEHaWWWWWWWWWW

Pep

No left coasters or silly foreigners on my thread!!!! GET OFF!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

In your opinion, how long can I wait for the WW to commit to the NC before I start calling/emailing everyone close to her and me.

*boo-hoo*

If she won't end contact, then I would expose the affair. I wouldn't wait for that to happen.

Melodylane - You have perfect timing on this post..

I was just going to pose this question - In order to recover your M - does all contact w/A partner(s) need to end???

Briefy - 3+ years after D-day, and a letter from my attorney, WH is seeing that D is a "real probablity" - even though in his words "he was never going to leave me". One of his MOW works for us - and due to his utter stupidity and lack of educating himself in the how, why, etc. of A's -I think he believes he can just walk back into my life and resume where we left off - and she's not going to be a constant pain in my heart.

From this site and books I've read - I know thru educating myself that ALL CONTACT MUST END...so, I refuse to even think about reconcilling without NC. Yet, I feel guilty that I am still shuting him out and refuse to bend on this issue.

An example of how not enforcing NC and how it leads back to A's.

WH was in an A w/a MW before I met him - 14 years ago. Her BS found out and they ended the A. Well, over 3 years ago my WH contacted her and again they started an A. Do I believe contact ever ended??? and 12 years later he has the power to pick-up the phone, call her and they just end up in bed again??? ****** - NO...I believe they stated in contact possibly sexual contact but they were more descrete and it was frequent for the fear of getting caught.

So this MOW poor BS had to relive this flippin nitemare all over again - with the same man...When my WH called her whether it was 3 years ago or right after they got caught the first time - had she have hung up or had he never called her again - many of us would have not suffered from their A again.

So I guess I've answered my own question - I MUST DEMAND NO CONTACT - no matter the consequences to her or him. If he cannot or will not adhere to this then I must continue to move forward and away from my WH's destructive and disrespectful actions.

Agree??

Agree! Nuf' said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />