Well, I thought things were going well. We went on a weekend trip to Vegas - our first in a long time. I thought it went well, we were there with his sister and her husband. Came back on Sunday. Picked up the children and came home. I honestly thought it went OK since we are still in the early stages of reconciling.

Then comes Monday - he came to my house from work and immediately got a glass of wine and seemed a little distracted - did this last week - said it was because he talked to his attorney. My feeling he talked to OW. Later, he says he went to the DR and had some medical issues and his blood pressure was really high. They told him it was due to stress. I listened and at the end said well let me know if there is anything I can help you with and that was about all.

He continued to drink and finished off a bottle of wine himself. He talked to a couple of people. I put the children to bed and then we started talking about his conversations no big deal. Then we started talking about money - always an issue. He feels he earns it he should be able to spend it as he wants. I am a stay at home mom and I feel he does not value the job I do at all - one of our issues. He feels you are not contributing financially you are not contributing. So I said this and some other things - not really heated - just a discussion about differences, etc. Then we talked about our relationship and not really being in all the way. I said I would like to make things work out, but I am holding back a little to protect myself and the children in case he walks out again . I was devestated and I cannot do that again.

Then he told me he does not know what he wants - wow this again - I have been waiting to see if this happens. He feels we are just going through the motions of being married and he does not feel appreciated - I said what can I do to make you feel appreciated - his answer he does not know. About not knowing what he wants I said you have had almost 2 years to figure it out. We have been separated for almost a year and a half. He has been living on his own. Of course I am in the house and he has an apartment and feels that is beneath him and I am just living off of him (another issue). So he goes at the end I can never talk to you without you getting upset. The only time I got upset was when he brought up the not knowing what he wants - I have heard this on and off for the past year and have been waiting. How can he not know. Then he said maybe we should just get divorced and see what happens. I said if that is what you want just let me know. I am a big girl I will be OK down the line. I just want a decision so I can move to repair my relationship or move on with my life.

I said - probably a bad thing - well you have her to talk to. I truly feel she called him yesterday and they have been talking all week and that is why he is this way. Could be wrong, but it is just a feeling.

He went to his apt. last night and took everything out of the house. He called this morning to talk to my son and nothing to me at all.

Why do they do this? I am just so ready to throw in the towel and say maybe he needs to be alone.

I truly think he has this unrealistic view of marriage and nothing makes him happy. I have been trying to do everything to please him and it seems like it is never the right thing or not enough. BUT he cannot tell me what he wants or needs. I hate this and I really hate feeling this way again.

I am tired of crying I just want to be happy and move on to a better place in life. Is this a bump in the road or a sign that this is the end and it is time to get out of here.

We do have a therapy session tomorrow - not sure if he will go.

I mean - what does he want? -

Sorry so long I am just so upset - again - I thought we would really make it. Maybe it is just not meant to be.

Thanks for all the support.

Hve you thought about Plan B?

Why does he get to decide all by himself? This is your life too. Why don't you get to have any say in all this?

What do YOU want for your life? Besides being married, besides trying to figure him out. What sort of activities would you like to be doing?

Because here is the thing - whether you or married to him or not, you still get to have a life. If you were to D him tomorrow, what would you be doing with yourself? Your life is not just about being someone’s wife. If he finally "decides" to get a D, what does it mean for you to be moving on with your life? I hope it doesn't just mean looking for another H. Because you can truly build a nice life for yourself that you can continue with - even if your H chooses not to.

For instance, I remember for myself, finally reaching the point where I decided to quit waiting for him, and instead start doing stuff that I wanted to do, and if he wanted to be part of that, then all the better. But I was tired of feeling like my life was on hold – like I had to sit around and wait for him to make some grad decisions about what I could do, or be. Frankly, he had all ready made enough bad decisions for me.

I new restaurant had opened in the area, that I really wanted to try. So one day, for lunch, I went there! By myself! I wanted to try it – and decided that I did not need a man to sit with me. I was nervous at first, but it turned out just fine. That gave me the confidence to join the church choir, have a “party lite” candle party at my house, and a pampered chef party. I invited friends over for dinner. And when my WH would stop by without calling, he would see that indeed I had a life, and was not sitting around waiting for him to make another bad decision for me.

What do YOU like to do for fun?
What sort of life would you like?

Of course I am not suggesting that you alienate your H. I am just suggesting to you that you do not need to tread water forever, waiting for him to tell you that you can, or can not, have a life.

Thanks for the input what I want to do with my life is move on - you are right I can be something other than a wife and I know I can do it all alone. The problem is I want to start over in another area if I get D. If this is going to work out then I will stay where I am. So I feel a little stuck right now. I do things to keep me busy exercise help the kids, see friends. The problem is I really want to get a job and start a life. But until I know where I am going to be I cannot do this. I have legal issues that are preventing me from doing it.

Part of me just wants to get divorced and get situated and basically he knows where I am - if I am still willing.

Talked to him today and figured something out. SHE is back in the picture in some way - not sure how, but I know it now. Things felt werid last week so in therapy I brought up that when he starts distancing himself she has called or something. He denied it, but I knew for sure. So today we were talking and he brought up that he feels like he is constantly looking over his shoulder and I am checking up on him. He said he even searched his car for a tape recorder (I admit I did it in the past to see what the relationship was) and he found nothing. Well, all I brought up in counseling was I thought he talked to her and then he searches his car. Well, I was correct because why else would be think I was listening unless he talked to her. He gave himself up and lied - again. This is one of our problems how can I trust a person who cannot be honest. It is hard to rebuild trust when you are beind lied to - again and again.